Hollywood seems incapable of making anything original and all the sequels and reboots they make suck mightily.\u00a0 So, I have decided to step into the breach and provide the ultimate in sequel mashup awfulness.<\/p>\n
Movie Treatment: Cosmic-Horror-Palooza<\/p>\n
Rick Deckard is at home with his wife Rachael having breakfast before he heads off to work as head school crossing guard at the Philip K Dick Elementary School in Portland Oregon.\u00a0 Rachael is pregnant with their first child and asks Rick to bring her some sweet gherkin pickles on his way home.\u00a0 She chastises him briefly because this is the third time he\u2019s forgotten.\u00a0 He absorbs the abuse kisses her on the forehead and heads out the door while absently loading .45 shells into his revolver.<\/p>\n
When he reaches the security office, he notices on the various video surveillance screens that a protest has set up shop in the intersection adjacent to the northwest corner of the school.\u00a0 A mostly crossdressing mob of activists with signs that say REPLICANT-PHOBIA IS HATE were chanting and marching in one of the crosswalks.\u00a0 This would not be an easy day.<\/p>\n
Suddenly an energy bolt blazed across the screen and struck one of the extremely plus-sized blonds-wigged transwomen in spandex and left a visibly gaping hole through his body before collapsing onto the asphalt.\u00a0 Several other energy bolts followed in quick succession wreaking havoc with the chant as deep bellows and hoarse screams erupted from the targeted activists.<\/p>\n
Deckard bolted for the door and sprinted toward the crime scene.\u00a0 As he approached, he could see that the attack was coming from a tree located fifty yards from the corner.\u00a0 He approached warily, shielding himself from view with the side of the building and ending up very close to the base of the tree.\u00a0 Peering carefully around the corner of the building he could see a shimmering patch of foliage that was the source of the deadly beams.\u00a0 As he watched he could make out what looked like a humanoid form and aiming for the head he unloaded with his .45.<\/p>\n
The shimmering patch fell to the ground and Deckard ran over to it.\u00a0 What he saw there startled him.\u00a0 A man shaped creature lay on the ground but the inhuman head had insectoid mandibles.\u00a0 The .45 slugs hadn\u2019t done the head any good but Deckard added a couple more through the cranium just to be sure.\u00a0 Looking around on the ground he found a long rod with a blinking light at one end and what probably was a trigger near the other end.\u00a0 Picking it up and sighting through the blinking light device he aimed at the tree and pushed the trigger.\u00a0 A bright red bolt drilled a two-inch round hole precisely through the 36 inches of the tree trunk and elicited a respectful whistle from the impressed former blade runner.<\/p>\n
Looking into the foreground he could see a shimmering area about twenty feet down the sidewalk.\u00a0 Suddenly four of the humanoid creatures approached with their right arms raised in the universal sign of respect for a successful warrior\u2019s victory.\u00a0 They came bearing a large blue lawn dart which one of their comrades had claimed as his trophy over a human in a 1968 Cincinnati Ohio suburb.<\/p>\n
But before they could bestow this trophy on Deckard, other creatures poured out of the dimensional portal that the four earlier beings had opened.\u00a0 These creatures were decidedly unlike the first ones.\u00a0 They were about eight feet tall with extremely elongated heads with two sets of jaws, one inside of the other.\u00a0 They had long claws on the feet and hands and a long, pointed tail.\u00a0 Deckard instinctively knew that the saliva dripping from the creatures\u2019 jaws was molecular acid and that this wouldn\u2019t end well.<\/p>\n
About twenty of the creatures attacked the four earlier visitors and an enormous battle ensued.\u00a0 The bug-jawed warriors put up a hell of a fight with their energy weapons and the lawn dart but there were just too many of the xenomorphs (Deckard somehow sensed this was what these other creatures should be called).\u00a0 Seeing that the battle would soon be over Deckard called his office and ordered his team to lock down the school and call the authorities.\u00a0 Then he sprinted over to the protest site to warn them away.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, the activists had repurposed the event into a day of rage against transphobic energy-beam wielding haters and they had begun turning over cars and torching them.\u00a0 They had formed a kind of funeral pyre for their fallen comrades but it hadn\u2019t really done a thorough job of consuming their bodies so a very questionable pile of remains remained.\u00a0 Seeing Deckard running toward them carrying the energy weapon they assumed he was the killer and they charged toward him.\u00a0 He stopped and looked around.\u00a0 Behind him the remaining ten or so xenomorphs were coming up quickly in his direction.\u00a0 With the two groups converging on his position imminently, he did what any clear-thinking individual would do.\u00a0 He ran sideways and hoped for the best.<\/p>\n
And that worked extraordinarily well for him.\u00a0 But much less well for the angry mob that suddenly intersected with the xenomorphs.\u00a0 It turns out xenomorphs are not transphobic.\u00a0 In fact, it turns out they\u2019re transphilic.\u00a0 In fact, I think they even enjoyed eating the wigs.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t pretty.<\/p>\n
Deckard took the opportunity to sneak over to an entrance to the school and punch in the entry code and head for the security office.\u00a0 When he arrived, his crew updated him on the current state of the \u201cbattle.\u201d\u00a0 The xenomorphs were somewhat leisurely feasting on the four warriors and the fifty some-odd rioters.\u00a0 Deckard tried in his mind to come up with a strategy to hold off the xenomorphs until Space Marine troops could be summoned.\u00a0 But nothing occurred to him.\u00a0 He did remember that he had to get those gherkins for Rachael but that didn\u2019t really seem to improve the situation.<\/p>\n
But then a very odd thing happened on the screen.\u00a0 One of the corpses of the warriors suddenly stood up and metamorphosed into something that was a combination of the xenomorph and a rioter.\u00a0 It looked like a xenomorph wearing a yellow wig.\u00a0 But it grew to five times the size of one of the xenomorphs and began eating the other xenomorphs.\u00a0 And each time it ate one of them it got bigger.\u00a0 The xenomorphs never ran away and kept fighting but one by one they were swallowed by the shape-shifting creature.\u00a0 At one point a xenomorph managed to rip an arm off the shapeshifter and throw it to the ground.\u00a0 The arm sprouted six spider like legs, a mouth full of teeth at the shoulder and proceeded to attack the xenomorph.\u00a0 Within half an hour the battle was over and the shapeshifter and the walking biting arm coalesced into an amorphous mass of protoplasm.\u00a0 After a short time, the blob flowed over to the school and covered it in a layer of pulsing goo.<\/p>\n
Deckard watched in horror as all the doors began to slowly ooze rivulets of the creature.\u00a0 He sent his crew to the doors and they used CO2 fire extinguishers to freeze the jelly as it attempted to enter the building.\u00a0 Things were looking quite bleak as the extinguishers one by one were emptied of their frozen contents.\u00a0 But suddenly the ooze retreated from the doors and the creature flowed off onto the nearby street and reformed into the shape of a yellow wigged transwoman complete with alarmingly overstretched spandex body suit.\u00a0 The creature was apparently asleep.\u00a0 As Deckard watched the sleeping form evaporated completely.\u00a0 At that point he saw that there was a similarly sized shape on the ground about ten feet from where the sleeping creature had been.<\/p>\n
Gathering his courage Deckard walked out of the building and approached the shape on the ground.\u00a0 When he got near it, he saw that it was what looked like a giant seed pod.\u00a0 And as he watched it burst open and slowly a living being pushed its way out.\u00a0 When it had exited the pod, it was seen to be an identical blond wigged transwoman; spandex and all.\u00a0 Deckard stood his ground, pointed the energy weapon at the creature and asked it to explain what had just happened.<\/p>\n
The creature adjusted its costume, scratched at its beard and explained that its species sent spores throughout space that land on planets and produce seed pods that mimic other life forms and then replace them with their own individuals.\u00a0 And slowly they replace all individuals of the local dominant species and thus take over that world.\u00a0 However, because of all the various different cell types that were present in this individual\u2019s new body, life on Earth was just too painful for it to continue and it begged Deckard to finish it off as a mercy killing.\u00a0 And Deckard promptly obliged it using the alien energy rod.\u00a0 At that point the creature evaporated into the air (except for the spandex suit and wig).<\/p>\n
When the police finally showed up, they wanted to know what the hell was going on.\u00a0 All that remained of the battle were the few burned out cars and the spandex suite and wig.\u00a0 Deckard started to tell the whole story then thought better of it and just said there had been a protest that sort of got out of control and left it at that.\u00a0 One of the officers asked him about the energy rod and he said it was a prop for a school play.\u00a0 The police did a walk around and cited the school for a safety violation because of the empty fire extinguishers and Deckard had to fill out a lot of paperwork and give some of his staff a mental health week off to keep them from quitting.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t get home that night until ten thirty and when he walked in the door Rachael asked him how his day was.\u00a0 He said it was okay.\u00a0 But then she looked at him and said, \u201cYou forgot the gherkins!\u201d<\/p>\n
So, he turned around and headed off to the grocery store with his walking stick blinking along.\u00a0 She said after him, \u201cMen are so easily distracted.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hollywood seems incapable of making anything original and all the sequels and reboots they make suck mightily.\u00a0 So, I have decided to step into the<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[241,5,239,1289,237,4,242,243],"tags":[2405,4567,43,4566,44,265,162],"class_list":["post-28964","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-book-reviews","category-current-events","category-movie-reviews","category-fiction-by-me","category-reviews","category-sff","category-sff-book-reviews","category-sff-movie-reviews","tag-alien","tag-invasion-of-the-body-snatchers","tag-movie-review","tag-predator","tag-sci-fi","tag-science-fiction","tag-the-thing-from-another-world"],"yoast_head":"\n