\u201cHello my name is Anderson Cooper and you are tuned into the first presidential debate between our beloved President Joe Biden and \u201cconvicted felon\u201d and cartoon super-villain Donald Trump.\u00a0 Jake Tapper and Dana Bash will be presiding over this incredible spectacle.<\/p>\n
CNN has gone to great lengths to be both totally impartial but also relentlessly opposed to misinformation.\u00a0 To that end Mr. Trump\u2019s microphone is programmed to shut off whenever the moderators decide he is guilty of misinformation.\u00a0 There was a debate about also attaching electrodes to Mr. Trump that would apply a punishing electric current in the event of multiple attempts at misinformation but it was decided that wouldn\u2019t be legal, so you know.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll come back after the debate with reactions from a test audience but right now let\u2019s go to the debate as it begins.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dana: Good evening gentlemen, and you too Mr. Trump.\u00a0 Our first question is for President Joe Biden.\u00a0 Mr. President, out of all the amazing successes that you\u2019ve had as president; conquering COVID, restoring the economy to incredible vibrance, fixing climate change, destroying racism and transphobia and curing cancer, what do you think is your greatest accomplishment?<\/p>\n
Biden:\u00a0 That\u2019s a great question Dana.\u00a0 I remember that time I was at Potsdam with Churchill, Truman and Stalin.\u00a0 I had just beaten Stalin in an arm-wrestling contest and he had agreed to dismantle the Soviet Union in 1991 and I was feeling kind of good.\u00a0 But I think all of that pales in comparison to that time I taught my son Hunter how to run a Ukrainian energy conglomerate.\u00a0 He had been having some slight troubles with crack cocaine and I knew that learning the ropes of drilling and extracting oil and gas in Easten Europe would clear his head.\u00a0 It\u2019s like my Uncle Bosie always used to say, before he was eaten by New Guinean cannibals, \u201cAlways tell the truth and don\u2019t take any guff from dog-faced pony soldiers.<\/p>\n
Dana: Inspiring words to live by Mr. President.\u00a0 Well, Donald Trump, you don\u2019t have any accomplishments to name so instead let\u2019s hear what you have to say about your high crimes and misdemeanors.\u00a0 Are you most ashamed of your hush money conviction, your January 6th<\/sup> insurrection or your attempts to steal classified documents?<\/p>\n Trump: I\u2019m most ashamed of having agreed to this charade.\u00a0 You nitwits are going to try to sell the American people on the fantasy of Joe Biden being in his right mind.\u00a0 That\u2019s not going to work.\u00a0 He\u2019s delusional and barely able to speak coherent English for more than two minutes at a time.<\/p>\n Biden: Now hold on you dog-faced pony oldier, I\u2019ll ake you hind the arn and ock some sense int ou and moulbi woudle foad mobe saiden ray.\u00a0 Come on man!\u00a0 You know.\u00a0 The thing!<\/p>\n Trump: You see?\u00a0 What the hell is a moulbi woudle?\u00a0 The man is one step away from the memory ward at Happy Acres.<\/p>\n Jake: Listen Trump, we all recognize the incredible courage of President Biden for being America\u2019s first zombie president.\u00a0 Many of the recently deceased suffer from the prejudices and misinformation that unenlightened individuals such as yourself spread about them.<\/p>\n We\u2019re here to make sure he gets an even playing field.\u00a0 With the correct translation programs and subtitling \u201cmoulbi woudle\u201d becomes, \u201cset the record straight.\u201d<\/p>\n Trump: Alright that\u2019s enough.\u00a0 You can do the rest of this without me.<\/p>\n Jake: That\u2019s right and we will.\u00a0 Our AI video program will provide us with an accurate version of what you would have said if you had stayed.<\/p>\n Trump: Deep fake?<\/p>\n Jake:\u00a0 Potato, puhtata.<\/p>\n Trump: That\u2019s about right.\u00a0 Joe is some kind of vegetable anyway.\u00a0 Well, I wouldn\u2019t have lasted the whole ninety minutes anyway.\u00a0 That smell is more than I can stand.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cHello my name is Anderson Cooper and you are tuned into the first presidential debate between our beloved President Joe Biden and \u201cconvicted felon\u201d and<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2945,5,288,6],"tags":[3344,4602,16],"class_list":["post-29302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-biden-humor","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-2024-elections","tag-the-biden-trump-debates","tag-trump"],"yoast_head":"\n