{"id":30003,"date":"2024-08-13T05:00:48","date_gmt":"2024-08-13T09:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=30003"},"modified":"2024-08-12T21:55:40","modified_gmt":"2024-08-13T01:55:40","slug":"the-death-of-a-great-old-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2024\/08\/13\/the-death-of-a-great-old-one\/","title":{"rendered":"The Death of a Great Old One"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Farmer Cthulhu in His Fields<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

All of Dunwich is in shock and mourning.\u00a0 Today at three \u2018clock in the morning it was discovered that First Selectman Cthulhu was no more.\u00a0 Apparently, it was a self-inflicted accident.\u00a0 This was the final night and day of his de-lousing treatment and over the ten day he had enjoyed the effects of the boiling sulfuric acid bath so much that some time after midnight he cranked the thermostat on the heater to maximum.\u00a0 But something went wrong and the bath was turned into an electrolytic cell and Cthulhu was completely dissolved into the solution with only some siliceous fragments left on the bottom of the tank.<\/p>\n

The First Selectman\u2019s personal physician; Dr. Fraudulent Practices declared him dead and assured the grieving throng of well-wishers that Cthulhu\u2019s last moments were painless and in fact probably completely unconscious.\u00a0 Strangely this crowd demonstrated their grief by dancing in circles and uttering what almost sounded like, \u201cDing-dong Cthulhu\u2019s dead, brush your teeth get out of bed, ding-dong the lousy squid is dead,\u201d to the tune of that song from the \u201cWizard of Oz\u201d that the Munchkins sing.\u00a0 Well, different people process grief in different ways.\u00a0 Possibly these people were just overcome by horrible sorrow and didn\u2019t know what they were saying.\u00a0 Although they were doing it in three-part harmonies.\u00a0 Very strange.<\/p>\n

Suffice it to say that Dunwich is plunged into solemn mourning and all official activities have been postponed in anticipation of the funeral.\u00a0 It is rumored that both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris intend to speak at the funeral.\u00a0 It is believed that Biden will use the occasion to break out his \u201cMy Uncle Bosie was eaten by cannibals\u201d story.\u00a0 And this may cause some controversy because several of the invited guests are themselves cannibals and may take offense.<\/p>\n

But the real worry for the funeral is any comments by Kamala.\u00a0 It is open knowledge that she had a longstanding romantic affair with the First Selectman and if she chooses to speak at the ceremony there is speculation that Mrs. Cthulhu will take umbrage and may possibly eat her.\u00a0 In and of itself this situation may not seem so dire.\u00a0 But it would be a shame if Harris\u2019s secret service team got between the two \u201cwomen\u201d and were themselves swallowed too.\u00a0 But all things considered it might be a better fate for them than spending every day walking around and listening to stories about yellow school buses from Kamala Harris.<\/p>\n

Personally, I cannot yet speak to my feelings about Cthulhu\u2019s death.\u00a0 It\u2019s too soon.\u00a0 The amalgam of fond familiarity and cosmic horror is a hard to explain emotion.\u00a0 You never can be sure whether the appropriate response is a rye chuckle or a panic-stricken sprint for the exit.\u00a0 Too soon, too soon.<\/p>\n

Every citizen of Dunwich will receive a jar containing one liter of the electrolyzed remains of Cthulhu to be treasured and displayed in a place of honor in each home.\u00a0 The jar will have the First Selectman\u2019s famous motto, \u201cShut up and second my motion or I will swallow you whole and digest you in my second stomach.\u201d\u00a0 Words to live by!<\/p>\n

The bottle will be made of tantalum to prevent any possibility of breakage or leakage.\u00a0 The EPA has rated the First Selectman\u2019s remains as a potent compound with a lethal dose estimated in the picogram range.\u00a0 I have elected to have my share donated to Nancy Pelosi.\u00a0 I\u2019ll tell her it\u2019s Botox.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

All of Dunwich is in shock and mourning.\u00a0 Today at three \u2018clock in the morning it was discovered that First Selectman Cthulhu was no more.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[288,3366,1263],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-30003","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-life-in-dunwich","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Death of a Great Old One - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2024\/08\/13\/the-death-of-a-great-old-one\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Death of a Great Old One - 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