{"id":33924,"date":"2025-07-19T05:00:32","date_gmt":"2025-07-19T09:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=33924"},"modified":"2025-07-18T21:30:26","modified_gmt":"2025-07-19T01:30:26","slug":"push-that-tote-bag-always-be-closing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2025\/07\/19\/push-that-tote-bag-always-be-closing\/","title":{"rendered":"Push That Tote Bag; Always Be Closing"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Pompous News Anchor:<\/strong> And to round out the PBS News Hour once again we go to the peerless analysis of Books and Capon.\u00a0 Good evening gentlemen.\u00a0 David what effect will this recission bill have on our operation here at PBS?<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Books:<\/strong> Well, I think I know.\u00a0 Today I received an email from upper management that stated, \u201cDue to cutbacks in the federal funding we will have to let go half of Books and Capon.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> What?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t receive that e-mail.<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Books:<\/strong> Yes, they said because my name starts with a \u201cB\u201d and yours starts with a \u201cC\u201d I get preference and could decide who gets the boot.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> What?\u00a0 Why that\u2019s obvious racism and homophobia too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Books:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s not necessarily true.\u00a0 I act pretty gay too!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> Yeah, well that\u2019s just because you\u2019re Canadian.\u00a0 Everybody knows you have a wife and kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Books:<\/strong> That\u2019s a deeply anti-trans stereotype.\u00a0 Why couldn\u2019t Jenny be a trans-man?\u00a0 Which would make me gay!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> Oh, give it a rest.\u00a0 Look, we can\u2019t let management cave to the Trump defunding.\u00a0 We must convince them that the nation is crying out for more Books and Capon.\u00a0 How can the network serve Books without Capon?\u00a0 It\u2019s unheard of.\u00a0 People want their Capon.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pompous News Anchor:<\/strong> Gentlemen, please show more decorum.\u00a0 The bigger picture here is that we serve the American public and if some sacrifices must be made then we need to show America that we serve them selflessly.<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Books:<\/strong> Oh yeah?\u00a0 Well, I happened to hear that your slot is being given to the blonde from Fox News that\u2019s sleeping with the station manager.\u00a0 So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Haircut!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pompous News Anchor:<\/strong> Why that lying sack of ****!\u00a0 I covered for him at the office party so his wife wouldn\u2019t find out he was in the penthouse \u201cdoing inventory\u201d with blondie!\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be sending a couple of videos to his home as soon as I get off this stage.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll deliver them in a PBS tote bag that won\u2019t cost him a cent in donations!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> Oh, this is awful.\u00a0 How could America do this to us?\u00a0 We\u2019ve spent the last fifty years providing Americans with all the feedback they needed to change into the kind of people that we don\u2019t hate.\u00a0 We told them that they were racists.\u00a0 Then we told them that they were misogynists.\u00a0 Then we told them that they were homophobes and now we\u2019ve told them that they\u2019re transphobes.\u00a0 Without our help they wouldn\u2019t have known all the reasons why we hate them so much.\u00a0 What else did they want from us?<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Books:<\/strong> Well, as it turns out they wanted us to shut up.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t like any of those opinions and apparently the establishment Republicans have been lying to us all these years when they said we were making friends and influencing people with our \u201chelpful comments.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, the pollsters have been lying to us too.\u00a0 It turns out this really is a center-right country and the Left doesn\u2019t have enough viewers to pay for public television.\u00a0 So, Capon you\u2019re gonna have to hit the road.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> But how will I earn a living?<\/p>\n<p><strong>David Brooks:<\/strong> Drag Queen Story Hour?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jonathan Capon:<\/strong> Well, it does have the word hour in it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Pompous News Anchor: And to round out the PBS News Hour once again we go to the peerless analysis of Books and Capon.\u00a0 Good evening<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288],"tags":[4967,4764,230],"class_list":["post-33924","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","tag-books-and-capon","tag-pbs","tag-right-wing-humor"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Push That Tote Bag; Always Be Closing - Orion&#039;s Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2025\/07\/19\/push-that-tote-bag-always-be-closing\/\" 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