{"id":34201,"date":"2025-08-15T05:00:44","date_gmt":"2025-08-15T09:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=34201"},"modified":"2025-08-14T21:39:12","modified_gmt":"2025-08-15T01:39:12","slug":"swapping-territory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2025\/08\/15\/swapping-territory\/","title":{"rendered":"Swapping Territory"},"content":{"rendered":"

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 I\u2019m here in Anchorage Alaska with my former colleague David Books.\u00a0 Hello David.<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 Hello Girl Boss Anchor.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 David how were you able to get time off from Red Lobster for this remote assignment?<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 I\u2019m supposed to be taste testing a large batch of King Crab legs that\u2019s being shipped to us.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 How plebian.<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 Up yours, lady.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor <\/strong>\u2013 Moving right along.\u00a0 We\u2019re here to provide commentary on the historic meeting between President Donald Trump and President Vladimir Putin as they make a vain attempt to broker a peace in Ukraine.<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 Well, shouldn\u2019t you at least pretend that you want this to succeed?<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 If you insist David.\u00a0 And look Trump and Putin are walking out of the conference room smiling and laughing.\u00a0 Something must be up.\u00a0 Let\u2019s listen to their statement.<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 As President of the United States; a very great country, I am happy to announce that we have negotiated a fair and equitable solution to the Ukraine war.\u00a0 And just as I said it required some territory swapping.\u00a0 Right Vladimir?<\/p>\n

Vladimir Putin<\/strong> \u2013 You said it, Droog!<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 I will be in contact with President Zelensky of Ukraine and let him know that Ukraine will not have to cede any land for peace.\u00a0 But it will be necessary to allow any Russian or even Ukrainian citizens who want to leave Ukraine to report to a relocation center for processing.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 Mr. President, are you saying that Russian speaking Ukrainians will be migrated to Russia for resettlement?<\/p>\n

Donald Trump <\/strong>\u2013 Well, technically yes.\u00a0 But only because these new territories will become part of Russia.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 What does that mean?<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 The Ukrainian thing has been folded into a larger land deal.\u00a0 You know how I enjoy real estate deals.\u00a0 Well, sometimes if you combine several deals together the combination is greater than the sum of its parts.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 But what other deals are there?<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 Well, you\u2019ve probably heard that Western Canada is getting ready to vote on seceding from Canada.\u00a0 That’s British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba.\u00a0 And you know how I\u2019m interested in picking up Greenland.\u00a0 And you know how miserable the West Coast; California, Oregon and Washington are.\u00a0 And the Northeast is just as miserable living under my presidency.\u00a0 So, I\u2019ve brokered a tentative deal.\u00a0 Russia gets Alaska, the West Coast and British Columbia.\u00a0 We get Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Greenland and Canada get the Northeast.\u00a0 As far as I can see it\u2019s win\/win\/win.<\/p>\n

Vladimir Putin<\/strong> \u2013 Da!\u00a0 Santa Barbara much nicer than Crimea, bah!<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 See everybody\u2019s happy.<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 What are you talking about?\u00a0 That\u2019s insane.\u00a0 That would require a constitutional amendment to allow the ceding of US territory.\u00a0 The Canadians will never agree to it and the Russians are our existential foes that threaten us with nuclear annihilation at the drop of a hat.\u00a0 And the West Coast will never stand for Russian autocracy.<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 Yeah, well, I made a few calls and everybody\u2019s on board.\u00a0 We can dot the i\u2019s and cross the t\u2019s later but shouldn\u2019t you be down on the dock tasting crab legs Booksie?<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 You\u2019ll never get away with this.\u00a0 Putin is a war criminal and no one will do business with him if he tries something like this.<\/p>\n

Donald Trump<\/strong> \u2013 Well I wouldn\u2019t get him mad at you if I were you.\u00a0 After all you\u2019ll be buying Russian King Crabs from him very soon.<\/p>\n

Vladimir Putin<\/strong> \u2013 Da, Booksie.\u00a0 Try to keep it friendly comrade.\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t want to see a price hike, now, would you?<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 I really have to take up drinking.<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 And there you have it viewers.\u00a0 Donald Trump has used insane Solomonic horse trading to recast the world we live in and apparently my choice is move to flyover country or become a Canadian, bleh.<\/p>\n

David Books<\/strong> \u2013 Hey shut up!\u00a0 I\u2019m Canadian!<\/p>\n

Girl Boss Anchor<\/strong> \u2013 Well viewers, good night and have an anti-depressed tomorrow.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Girl Boss Anchor \u2013 I\u2019m here in Anchorage Alaska with my former colleague David Books.\u00a0 Hello David. David Books \u2013 Hello Girl Boss Anchor. 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