When I received the call from RoboDriver I had been lamenting the fact that I hadn\u2019t received an offer for a date in seven years.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I prefer robots.\u00a0 They\u2019re a cleaner breed.\u00a0 They never have dandruff.<\/p>\n
I arrived at the plant where the incident had occurred.\u00a0 This was the only manufacturing site for the Higgs bosonic brain.\u00a0 Of course there was a reason for this.\u00a0 The instability of this boson was so extreme that the robots were constantly in a state of nervous exhaustion and frequently flew into a rage and killed everyone around them.\u00a0 As you might imagine this was seriously cutting into profits.<\/p>\n
I entered the office of the CEO of RoboDriver and he said, \u201cThank you for your swift response, ma\u2019am.\u201d\u00a0 I retorted, \u201cI prefer to be addressed as Dr. Daystrom.\u00a0 She\/her.\u201d\u00a0 He replied, \u201cAlright Dr. Daystrom-she-her.\u00a0 We need to troubleshoot exactly why one of our robots went on a killing spree in downtown San Francisco today and come up with an action plan to solve the problem and convince our customers to use RoboDriver for all their driving needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gritting my teeth over his insulting greeting I said I would begin a thorough forensic investigation that would include interviews with all of the witnesses, review of all of the technical documents for the manufacturing and quality assurance records, a comprehensive search of all similar problems over the last twenty years and an electron microscopy examination of the Higgs bosonic brain of the killer robot.\u00a0 He asked, \u201cHow long will that take?\u201d\u00a0 I answered, \u201cAbout forty minutes.\u201d\u00a0 He was taken aback, \u201cHow could you possibly complete such an investigation in forty minutes?\u201d<\/p>\n
I replied, \u201cBecause there\u2019s no need to do any of that.\u00a0 Everybody knows that the Higgs bosonic brain has a 100% failure rate within one week of installation and of the 1,343 cases of robot committed homicides, 100% of them were robots possessing a Higgs bosonic brain.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cOh.\u00a0 Well, you have a point there.\u201d\u00a0 I followed up, \u201cBut you know that already.\u00a0 Why does RoboDriver continue to use the Higgs bosonic brain when the US Robotics positronic brain has a stellar record of safety and longevity?\u00a0 US Robotics licenses their technology and has a good reputation for working hand in glove with their partners.\u201d<\/p>\n
The CEO got up from his desk and shut the door to his office and walked over to my chair, cleared his throat and said in hushed tones, \u201cThe fact of the matter is we were the victims of a hostile takeover by a venture capital group that installed a cost-cutting program that identified the fact that licensing Higgs bosonic brains instead of the positronic equivalent would save seventeen cents for each robot equipped.\u00a0 Now after the fact, this savings seems to pale in comparison to the 1,343 wrongful death suits and the Justice Department\u2019s grand jury indictments but all of that stuff won\u2019t hit the fan until after Christmas so what we need is a band-aid to keep this under control until the December bonuses get handed out.\u00a0 So, what can you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked down at the floor and shuddered and told him I\u2019d see what I could do.\u00a0 I headed out onto the programming floor and using the clearance card I had been given by the CEO began writing some new code for the RoboDriver robots.\u00a0 I loaded the code onto a server and began the download to the entire robot fleet.\u00a0 I headed for the front door just as the first wave of murder-bots stormed the C-suite.\u00a0 Well, so much for their bonuses.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I received the call from RoboDriver I had been lamenting the fact that I hadn\u2019t received an offer for a date in seven years.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[288,1289,1263,4],"tags":[1479,1480,151,265],"class_list":["post-35454","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-fiction-by-me","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","category-sff","tag-i-robot","tag-isaac-asimov","tag-parody","tag-science-fiction"],"yoast_head":"\n