War Pig mentioned the rumor that there is a studio remaking \u201cTHEM!.\u201d\u00a0 My reaction is an unqualified, Yeah!\u00a0 But I immediately thought to myself, \u201cHey wait a minute.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t 1954, it\u2019s 2026!\u00a0 What about the illogic of an insect fifteen feet long weighing thousands of pounds, breathing by passive diffusion of oxygen through spiracles?\u00a0 And how about the other unscalable aspects of its anatomy and physiology like weight and strength of exoskeleton vs. the thick bones found in large land animals like rhinos and elephants.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sure, I\u2019m being a spoil sport.\u00a0 If we want giant ants living in the sewers of Los Angles we should get them.\u00a0 And look how timely it would be.\u00a0 Imagine a nighttime forage of giant ants finding it\u2019s way to a homeless encampment just by smell alone.\u00a0 Now, there is the danger that this could be considered cruelty to animals.\u00a0 And most homeless could be considered poisoned bait.\u00a0 After all, if an ant ate one of these denizens of the City of Angels might it not die from a fentanyl overdose?\u00a0 I mean, that\u2019s not really fair, is it?\u00a0 The ant is just doing what millions of years of evolution (plus a century of radioactive fallout) has taught him.\u00a0 It\u2019s not his fault that Mayor Bass and Governor Newsom have put these temptations in his way.\u00a0 To him they\u2019re just appetizers.<\/p>\n
So, maybe there should be some hand-waving and exposition to provide an infodump to explain how rapid evolution adapted the giant ants so that they now have an internal skeleton and an efficient circulatory system but somehow have preserved the external appearance of an ant.\u00a0 And here\u2019s where AI can come in handy.\u00a0 In order to have the necessary gravitas to sell the audience on this cockamamie science of giant ant biology we will need Santa Claus.\u00a0 We will need an electronic avatar of Edmund Gwenn to play Dr. Harold Medford.\u00a0 He alone can walk us through super 8 film clips of ants.\u00a0 However, we can recast the part of Dr. Patricia Medford.\u00a0 For this part I would recommend Sydney Sweeney as she possesses unique personal assets which will not lend her scientific gravitas but which will boost the movie\u2019s financial bottom line significantly.<\/p>\n
All in all, I think a remake of \u2018Them!\u201d could be an enormous hit.\u00a0 I think to make it more topical; it would make sense to recruit Donald Trump to play himself as the President who employs all the massive resources of the US military to combat these deadly and terrifying creatures.\u00a0 Perhaps we can shift the anti-nuclear message of the movie if we show how nuclear weapons can be used for good.\u00a0 Perhaps the outbreak in Los Angeles proves too far advanced and a decision must be made by Trump to nuke LA.\u00a0 It can be stressed that almost all of the human population escapes (maybe only Bass and Newsom are being held hostage by the ants).\u00a0 And so nuclear weapons become not only the cause of the problem but also the solution!\u00a0 Then we can have Santa Claus and the hot chick give that speech where they talk about opening a door into a new world where anything is possible, even giant crickets in the inevitable sequel.<\/p>\n