SS \u2013 Good evening xe, xer and all the ships at sea, this is your intrepid reporter Snott Smelley here on my Substack; \u201cThe Smelley Report!\u201d\u00a0 And tonight, I have an exclusive interview with that rising star of the communis\u2026, I mean of the progressive wing of the Democrat party Gland Splatinher.\u00a0 Good evening Mr. Splatinher.\u00a0 May I call you Gland?<\/p>\n
GS \u2013 Hello Snott.\u00a0 Sure thing.\u00a0 I\u2019m just a simple oyster farmer from here in the heartland of Maine trying to strike a blow for just plain folks like myself.<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 Well, Gland, things seem to have gotten complicated out here on the campaign trail for you lately and I thought maybe you needed to have a high-profile platform to get your side of the story out.<\/p>\n
GS \u2013 Well, thank you Snott.\u00a0 Yes, as of late, my enemies have been weaponizing the news reports to spread lies about my past.\u00a0 They\u2019re painting me as this angry, drunken, Neanderthal who brutalizes and rapes women on a regular basis.\u00a0 The truth is that I have no more than 5% Neanderthal DNA and there is absolutely nothing regular about my attacks.\u00a0 They\u2019re completely random and completely justified.<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 Justified?<\/p>\n
GS \u2013 Sure!\u00a0 If you just listen to the latest story about me, it\u2019s crystal clear that I was \u201cblack-out drunk\u201d when I showed up.\u00a0 Well, that means I was not responsible for my actions.\u00a0 This puts me in the same category as Larry Talbot when he becomes the Wolfman.\u00a0 Sure, he tears his victims limb from limb but when he wakes up, he has no memory of his killings.\u00a0 So, ipso facto, he\u2019s innocent.\u00a0 What my opponents are trying to do is paint me as more like a Count Dracula that is fully cognizant of his attacks and drains his victims of blood in the unholy quest for eternal life.\u00a0 My enemies are intentionally trying to conflate werewolves and vampires.\u00a0 But this couldn\u2019t be farther from the truth in my case.\u00a0 In many ways I\u2019m more of the victim than these accusers.\u00a0 After all, they had the chance to block me on Kik but encouraged me instead.\u00a0 Basically, they were painting a pentagram in their palms as far as I\u2019m concerned.<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 Well, Gland, that\u2019s all very interesting, but how will the voters of Maine view this situation.\u00a0 Word is that all of the Democrat power brokers have turned on you and demand that you drop out of the race including Bernie Sanders who when he heard of the latest accusation broke into Yiddish and had a minor stroke.<\/p>\n
GS \u2013 That\u2019s where you come in Snott.\u00a0 With the long reach of your platform, I can get my story out.\u00a0 With your 300 million viewers I can get public opinion on my side and crowd fund my campaign to shout down the haters.<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 Well I think there\u2019s been a mistake.\u00a0 I said I had 300 viewers.\u00a0 You must have thought I meant 300 million.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 But don\u2019t worry, those three hundred are super loyal viewers and have netted me more than eleven dollars of super-chat money several times this month.<\/p>\n
GS \u2013 Three hundred?\u00a0 Three hundred?\u00a0 What are you, an idiot?\u00a0 My cat videos get a thousand times that every day.\u00a0 Eleven dollars?\u00a0 I\u2019m going to need eleven million dollars in lawyers\u2019 fees to keep me out of prison on the assault charges.\u00a0 If you were in the same room with me right now, I\u2019d finish you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ever contact me again you loser.\u00a0 (The feed closes)<\/strong><\/p>\n SS \u2013 Well folks, you heard it here first.\u00a0 Gland Splatinher will be using the Larry Talbot defense in his upcoming campaign and subsequent assault trial.\u00a0 This is your humble servant Snott Smelley signing off and wishing you a safe, seen and centered tomorrow.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" SS \u2013 Good evening xe, xer and all the ships at sea, this is your intrepid reporter Snott Smelley here on my Substack; \u201cThe Smelley<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,1289,1263],"tags":[390,151],"class_list":["post-37396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-fiction-by-me","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","tag-conservative-humor","tag-parody"],"yoast_head":"\n