Good morning my fellow Dunwichians.\u00a0 I come to you today with a heavy heart but a firm resolve.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure that all of you are aware of the enormous scandal that has unfolded over the allegations that have swirled around my old friend Graham Platner.\u00a0 As you all know he and I go way back to the early days of the oyster farming craze of the twenty teens.\u00a0 After all, as a cephalopod I naturally gravitate to shellfish eating pursuits.\u00a0 And for many years we\u2019ve made the rounds of the New England dive bar circuit.\u00a0 Of course, he was entering them looking for drunk chicks and after he was done I would rip the building from the ground and swallow all of the organic contents.\u00a0 But we were always very chummy.\u00a0 He would show me his death\u2019s head tattoo and I would show him my keychain with the skulls of anybody who didn\u2019t get out of my way that week.\u00a0 But we were always good pals.<\/p>\n
But things have gone too far.\u00a0 His disrespect for women has crossed a line.\u00a0 Now, sure, I\u2019ve had my moments of ribaldry with the fairer sex.\u00a0 That time I crashed the Smith College orientation day and ate the whole freshman class in a swimming pool full of barbecue sauce was a bit \u201cforward\u201d of me but I maintained the highest levels of decorum, always keeping my pinky fingers outstretched and never talking while chewing.\u00a0 And I did send an apology to the Dean of Students for neglecting to get a pool pass in advance.\u00a0 But in my heart, I\u2019ve always been a true gentleman and have never disrespected women.<\/p>\n
So, it is my sad duty to condemn Graham for his awful behavior and shocking actions.\u00a0 As the political head of the Dunwich Democratic Party, I must take the sad but necessary action of cancelling Graham Platner\u2019s status as keynote speaker at the Dunwich Labor Day Jamboree.\u00a0 And I must further demand the return of all the free passes to the rides and attractions that have already been mailed to him.\u00a0 These passes represent a value of over eleven dollars and are much sought after by patrons of the event.\u00a0 I would hope that Graham would have the decency of mailing the passes in time for their use at the Labor Day festivities.\u00a0 He may have sunk into sexual moral depravity and criminality but at least let\u2019s hope he hasn\u2019t also become a selfish jerk too.<\/p>\n
But as much as it is my sad duty to denounce Graham for his outrageous behavior, I feel it\u2019s also necessary to extend the hope of redemption to this lost soul.\u00a0 During the Middle Ages the Church of Rome was famous for their carefully calibrated table of alms linked to indulgences for various terrible sins.\u00a0 In the same vein I\u2019d like to offer Graham the chance to pay alms to Dunwich for the indulgence of his offences.\u00a0 I think three tons of oysters would cover the moral lapses in question quite nicely.\u00a0 If he could convey the alms to my refrigerator by the end of July, I think we could see him attending the Labor Day Jamboree as a \u201cprodigal son\u201d without too much squawking by the gals, in my estimation.\u00a0 Think about it Graham.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll do the right thing, amigo.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Good morning my fellow Dunwichians.\u00a0 I come to you today with a heavy heart but a firm resolve.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure that all of you are<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,3366,1289,1263,4],"tags":[3341,4638,5233],"class_list":["post-37402","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-life-in-dunwich","category-fiction-by-me","category-stuff-that-personally-interests-me-miscellaneous","category-sff","tag-dunwich","tag-first-selectman-cthulhu","tag-graham-platner"],"yoast_head":"\n