Dramatis Personae:\u00a0 President Trump \u2013 (PT); \u00a0\u00a0Melania Trump \u2013 (MT); \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Vice President Pence \u2013 (VPP);\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Mad Dog Mattis \u2013 (MDM);\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Rachel Maddow \u2013 (RM); \u00a0\u00a0Kim Jong Un \u2013 (KJU); \u00a0\u00a0Russian President Vladimir Putin \u2013 (RVP);\u00a0 Rosie O\u2019Donnell \u2013 (ROD);\u00a0 George Will \u2013 (GW);\u00a0 Warning Announcer \u2013 (WA)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Scene 1: White House West Wing; 8am Friday; First Family living quarters<\/strong><\/p>\n PT \u2013 Schmoopey!\u00a0 Schmoopey!\u00a0 Schmoopey where are you?\u00a0 I need your help more than ever before.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 I\u2019m right here Schmoopey, do not despair.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Schmoopey, this is a national emergency, Twitter has banned me.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 Schmoopey, is this indeed an emergency?\u00a0 Twitter seems to me to be not an emergency.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Of course it is.\u00a0 Without my twitter feed how will I get out the truth?\u00a0 The failed New York Times and fake news networks will lie unopposed and Americans will fall into panic.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 This is true.\u00a0 How can I help you in the saving of the nation.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 I need an idea to force them to restore my Twitter account.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 But you are the great leader.\u00a0 They must obey or you will crush them like ants under your giant feet.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Sadly, that is not how it works.\u00a0 Apparently, the US government is not allowed to assassinate US citizens except if a Democrat is President.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 Too bad.\u00a0 That would be convenient.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 You\u2019re telling me.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 Yes, I am telling you.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 (sighs heavily) \u2026 Anyway, I can\u2019t do that so I need a good idea to fix this.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 You must speak to the very wise men of government. President Vice Mike and the Mad Dog.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 You\u2019re right again Schmoopey, those guys have been sleeping on the job long enough.\u00a0 I\u2019ll put a fire under them and get something useful out of them for a change.\u00a0 After all I can\u2019t do everything all alone.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll get Putin and Kim Jong Un working on this too.<\/p>\n MT \u2013 Get them, get them.\u00a0 Make them fix this.\u00a0 Go Schmoopey, you are truly wonderful, Mr. Leader.<\/p>\n Scene 2; White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area; Same Day 6 pm.; President Trump, Vice President Pence and Defense Secretary (Mad Dog) Mattis are seated in virtual conference seats with life sized images of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un facing them.<\/strong><\/p>\n PT \u2013 Okay, so that\u2019s the problem.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been banned from Twitter and I have to get back on.\u00a0 What are my options.<\/p>\n VPP \u2013 Mr. President, what seems appropriate is a strongly worded editorial in the major daily newspapers, the Times and the Post, declaring the unfairness of this decision by Twitter.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Low energy, Pence.\u00a0 Next.<\/p>\n KJU \u2013 Nerve gas attack on Twitter owner\u2019s dog.\u00a0 Get message across with small gesture.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Interesting, but let\u2019s hold the nerve gas in reserve right now.\u00a0 There\u2019s a whole treaty about that sort of thing plus PETA can be a bear to deal with when they get antsy.\u00a0 Next.<\/p>\n RVP \u2013 The correct play is hack their servers and block all other feeds but yours for two weeks and then demand a billion dollars in cryptocurrency to restore their service.\u00a0 Plus special forces should occupy the first three floors of their headquarters and annex it to the Russian Federation.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Also interesting.\u00a0 But none of that annexing jazz.\u00a0 Americans are pretty attached to the territory.<\/p>\n RVP \u2013 Suit yourself.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Next.<\/p>\n MDM \u2013 Mr. President, I think I\u2019ve got an idea that should provide you with the short-term ability to get out your message and long-term will force Twitter to restore your account.\u00a0 And my plan has the added advantage that it allows you to work within the confines of the US Constitution and all other applicable US laws.\u00a0 Plus, no humans or dogs will be terminated.<\/p>\n KJU \u2013 You must really be mad dog if you so picky about nerve gassing them.\u00a0 You big baby.<\/p>\n RVP \u2013 Why so boring Mad Dog?<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Kim Jong Un, Vladimir, thank you for your help.\u00a0 If we need a backup plan I\u2019ll be in touch.\u00a0 (the images of Putin and Kim disappear but not before Kim flips Mattis the bird)\u00a0 Alright Mad Dog you put together your team and Mike try to be helpful to the team.\u00a0 You know, I can\u2019t do everything<\/em> myself!<\/p>\n Scene 3:\u00a0 The following Monday evening;\u00a0\u00a0 The Set of the Rachel Maddow Show; Rachel Maddow is at her desk and facing a large television screen on which appear the various guests she interviews.<\/strong><\/p>\n RM \u2013 Hello everyone, we\u2019ve got our usual line up of inspiring progressive stories and tragic conservative stories but before anything else we need to jump onto the biggest story of the week.\u00a0 Donald Trump has been banned from Twitter, permanently!\u00a0 I\u2019ve assembled a panel of brilliant and objective thought leaders to objectively explain to you why it\u2019s perfectly reasonable for Twitter to decide that Trump is too racist and evil to be allowed to tweet.\u00a0 My first guest is an esteemed former Republican and originator of the bow tie and glasses look that I myself envy so much, the estimable George Will.\u00a0 (Will appears on the screen looking both pompous and ill at ease at the same time)<\/p>\n GW \u2013 Thank you Rachel.\u00a0 And if I may preface my remarks with a quote by the great Negro League pitcher Satchel Paige, \u201cAvoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.\u201d<\/p>\n RM \u2013 I believe that is cultural appropriation.<\/p>\n GW \u2013 If it is, I\u2019ll warrant I can lay it at the feet of the Trump presidency or hacking by Putin.<\/p>\n RM \u2013 Probably.\u00a0 Okay, continue.<\/p>\n GW \u2013 What Satchel said about fried foods is the advice that Twitter is acting on.\u00a0 Trump is the irritant like the fried food and Twitter has removed it and that will pacify our blood and give the nation cool thoughts.<\/p>\n RM \u2013 That\u2019s fascinating coming from a conservative.<\/p>\n GW \u2013 Obviously, Rachel you\u2019re still working under the fallacies of the old paradigm.\u00a0 After the conversion to the new Will paradigm shift all of these seeming paradoxes disappear.\u00a0 For instance, under the old fallacious viewpoint my opposition to the Republican president would appear to be unconservative.\u00a0 But once you shift your point of view to the Will perspective you realize that real conservatism is what you find on MSNBC.\u00a0 Real conservatives conserve the values that thrive in the new conservative universe.\u00a0 The universe of Twitter and Facebook.\u00a0 And once you embrace this new knowledge you realize who the real leader of the conservative movement truly is, Hillary Rodham Clinton.<\/p>\n RM \u2013 I always suspected as much.<\/p>\n (suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)<\/p>\n WA \u2013 We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 \u00a0\u00a0Rachel Maddow is a nincompoop who really needs a better haircut and wardrobe.\u00a0 Very unfair and fake news.\u00a0 Also, very boring and unattractive.<\/p>\n WA \u2013 That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.\u00a0 We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.<\/p>\n RM \u2013 What the (bleep) was that?<\/p>\n GW \u2013 Apparently Donald Trump has lost whatever tenuous grip he had on reality and is now satisfying whatever impulse his id dreams up with complete \u2026<\/p>\n (suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)<\/p>\n WA \u2013 We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 George Will is a pompous doofus who couldn\u2019t play golf on his best day but pontificates about it endlessly.\u00a0 His breath is horrible and he farts on TV all the time.<\/p>\n WA \u2013 That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.\u00a0 We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.<\/p>\n GW \u2013 What the (bleep) was that?\u00a0 (Will disappears off the screen leaving a test pattern in his place.)<\/p>\n RM \u2013 We seem to be having technical difficulties but let\u2019s bring on the next panel member, Rosie O\u2019Donnell.<\/p>\n (O\u2019Donnell appears on the screen in an outfit that resembles a slightly tight fitting burlap sack.)<\/p>\n ROD \u2013 Hello Rachel.\u00a0 It seems like it\u2019s been a long time since you invited me on the show but let\u2019s stay on point.\u00a0 Donald Trump is a dangerous maniac and removing him from Twitter is the least that can be done to stop him from destroying the world and even the universe.\u00a0 He is responsible for global warming, ozone depletion, overpopulation and hate crimes against all at risk groups.<\/p>\n (suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)<\/p>\n WA \u2013 We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Rosie O\u2019Donnell is undeniably the worst human being to appear on the View and considering how awful most of the broads on that show are that\u2019s saying a lot.\u00a0 She is so filled with rage that in order to transport her to events she must first be put in the Hannibal Lector restraints with the mask and straight jacket and the two-wheeler.\u00a0 And she\u2019s gotten so fat that she can no longer bath indoors but instead needs to be hosed down outdoors in the Bronx Zoo elephant paddock.\u00a0 But the elephants must first be removed to avoid panicking them.\u00a0 Hello Rosie.<\/p>\n WA \u2013 That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.\u00a0 We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.<\/p>\n ROD \u00a0\u2013 (bleep)ing Trump I\u2019ll (bleep) (bleep) the (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleeeeeeep)!!!\u00a0 (Rosie is last seen attacking the camera with her teeth then the feed goes dead followed by static.)<\/p>\n RM \u2013 We\u2019re going to take a break now and go to commercial when we come back I\u2019m sure we\u2019ll have all this sorted out.\u00a0 (once the cameras stop Maddow drops her head to the desk and sobs uncontrollably.)<\/p>\n Scene 4 \u2013 White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area, Tuesday 6pm, President Trump sitting at the control board of the audio-visual system watching various feeds from the network and cable news shows and scribbling down some notes for his announcement rebuttals.\u00a0 Next to him is a very tired and disheveled Mike Pence.<\/strong><\/p>\n PT \u2013 Mike what rhymes with Tapper besides crapper.\u00a0 I\u2019ve already used that one.<\/p>\n VPP \u2013 Mr. President I can\u2019t even think straight anymore.\u00a0 It\u2019s been more than twenty-four hours since we started this.\u00a0 Can\u2019t we take a break to sleep.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Not yet Mike.\u00a0 We\u2019re very close.\u00a0 I can tell they\u2019re ready to cave.\u00a0 I heard Jim Acosta is in the rubber room over at Washington General Hospital.\u00a0 Apparently, he wandered in saying something about not being the enemy of the people.<\/p>\n (the phone rings and Mike Pence answers it)<\/p>\n VPP \u2013 Mr. President, it\u2019s the CEOs of Disney, NBC-Universal, CBS, Time-Warner, Netflix, Amazon and the Home Shopping Network.\u00a0 They want to surrender unconditionally.\u00a0 Well except for HSN, they want to see if they can extend your subscription for three years at a really good rate.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 You tell those nitwits that the only way I\u2019ll stop is if they reverse my Twitter ban and reinstate all conservatives they\u2019ve banned in the last four years.<\/p>\n VPP \u2013 They\u2019ve agreed.\u00a0 Bezos purchased Twitter and fired the whole department in charge of persecuting conservatives.<\/p>\n PT \u2013 Good.\u00a0 Oh, and tell them no more limit on the number of characters in my messages.\u00a0 It\u2019s really very lame.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dramatis Personae:\u00a0 President Trump \u2013 (PT); \u00a0\u00a0Melania Trump \u2013 (MT); \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Vice President Pence \u2013 (VPP);\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Mad Dog Mattis \u2013 (MDM);\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Rachel Maddow \u2013 (RM); \u00a0\u00a0Kim<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[223,820,958,652,372,115,524,1261,16,391,373,466,1262],"class_list":["post-3877","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-george-will","tag-kim-jong-un","tag-mad-dog-mattis","tag-melania-trump","tag-mike-pence","tag-msm","tag-rachel-maddow","tag-rosie-odonnell","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor","tag-trump-vs","tag-twitter","tag-vladimir-putin"],"yoast_head":"\n