Dramatis Personae \u2013 President Trump \u2013 (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump \u2013 (MT);<\/p>\n
Scene 1 \u2013 White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday<\/p>\n
(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Mike \u00a0\u00a0\u2026\u00a0\u00a0 Mike\u00a0\u00a0 \u2026.\u00a0\u00a0 MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Right here Mr. President.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Pence, what the hell?\u00a0 Am I in this alone?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 (mumbles under his breath, \u201coh if only!\u201d)\u00a0 No sir, here I am front and center.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Okay, whatever.\u00a0 Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I\u2019m working on.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Certainly.\u00a0 What can I do?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 So you\u2019re from Idaho.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Indiana.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 As I said you\u2019re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Uh, where is this going?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought.\u00a0 Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called \u201cA Handmaid\u2019s Tale.\u201d\u00a0 So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they\u2019ve got something there.\u00a0 First off, it\u2019s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can\u2019t be bad.\u00a0 And they\u2019ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut.\u00a0 I mean I think they\u2019re onto something there!\u00a0 Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Mr. President, I haven\u2019t been watching that show.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I don\u2019t mean the show.\u00a0 I want to know how this works in real life.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 but it isn\u2019t real life.\u00a0 It\u2019s a work of fiction.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yes, but it\u2019s based on your book, the Bible, right?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 What are you saying, that you don\u2019t wanna shut them up?\u00a0 I mean come on!\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that what you guys are always talking about?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well, sure but I don\u2019t want to hurt anyone\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 See, that\u2019s your problem.\u00a0 You know what you should do but you\u2019re scared of what the broads will say.\u00a0 You\u2019ll never be boss, you\u2019ll never be a leader if you can\u2019t say what you mean.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Okay, so maybe you\u2019re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Well as you say it\u2019s rigged to look like that by your enemies.\u00a0 But what if it\u2019s brightened up?\u00a0 You remember those old shows like \u201cFather Knows Best\u201d and \u201cLeave it to Beaver.\u201d\u00a0 They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well that\u2019s kind of true, but times have changed.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Times may change but people don\u2019t.\u00a0 The things that made people happy back then still do.\u00a0 It\u2019s all how you sell it.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 So you\u2019re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Of course not.\u00a0 They know I\u2019m not Ward Cleaver.\u00a0 They think I\u2019m Caligula.\u00a0 But you actually are Ward Cleaver.\u00a0 For Pete\u2019s sake, you won\u2019t even go in a room alone with a woman.\u00a0 You\u2019re the guy they think should be running the country.\u00a0 We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don\u2019t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Well that hardly seems fair.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Indiana!\u00a0 Yes, I do. \u2026\u2026\u2026 You\u2019re right.\u00a0 What can we do?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Relax.\u00a0 By the time you\u2019re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss.\u00a0 By the time I get through with you even Rosie O\u2019Donnell will be afraid to mess with you.\u00a0 And let me tell you that\u2019s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler.\u00a0 But anyway, we\u2019ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff.\u00a0 I mean, we don\u2019t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through.\u00a0 And that\u2019s what I need your help with.\u00a0 This is definitely one of those heartland things.\u00a0 We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics.\u00a0 You know, Ronny\u2019s Morning in America thing.\u00a0 We\u2019ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 You know, that actually makes sense.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Don\u2019t be so shocked.\u00a0 So anyway, get out that Bible and let\u2019s see if we can flesh out this campaign.<\/p>\n
VPP \u2013 Father forgive him he knows not what he says.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yeah, I do!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n