{"id":4260,"date":"2018-09-17T21:25:46","date_gmt":"2018-09-18T01:25:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/?p=4260"},"modified":"2018-09-17T21:25:46","modified_gmt":"2018-09-18T01:25:46","slug":"trump-vs-the-handmaids-tale-part-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/17\/trump-vs-the-handmaids-tale-part-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Trump vs the Handmaid\u2019s Tale \u2013 Part 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

Trump vs the Handmaid\u2019s Tale \u2013 Part 1<\/a><\/p>\n

Beginning of story linked above<\/p>\n

Dramatis Personae \u2013 Kasey \u2013 (KY); Stacey \u2013 (SY); Macey \u2013 (MY); TV Announcer \u2013 (TV); President Trump \u2013 (PT); Melania Trump \u2013 (MT);<\/p>\n

Scene 1 \u2013 Living room of Kasey, Stacey and Macey, three mid-thirty something career women living the dream in a one room apartment in Manhattan and \u201cloving every minute of it.\u201d\u00a0 Tuesday night 8pm<\/p>\n

(Kasey, Stacey and Macey are binge watching the whole run of the series \u201cGirls\u201d, all three speak with about the same extremely exaggerated \u201cvalley girl\u201d rising pitch interrogative speech pattern.)<\/p>\n

KY \u2013 Oh, this is that great episode with Allison Williams and her butt?<\/p>\n

SY \u2013 Oh, that is the best episode?<\/p>\n

MY \u2013 Oh, I love this episode?\u00a0 Hey, where did it go?<\/p>\n

(point of view changes to face the tv screen and suddenly a test pattern interrupts the brilliant and tasteful representation of post millennial Sodom and Gomorrah)<\/p>\n

TV \u2013 We interrupt this amateur proctological exam for a special message from the President of the United States.<\/p>\n

KY \u2013 Oh, that\u2019s so unfair?<\/p>\n

SY \u2013 So totally unfair?<\/p>\n

MY \u2013 This sucks? \u00a0And not in a good way?<\/p>\n

(the image of President Trump appears on the screen in front of a huge double heart pierced through by an arrow)<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 My fellow Americans and more specifically fertile unmarried Americans.\u00a0 I come to you tonight to address a serious problem that is a threat to the future of this great nation.\u00a0 Namely, that you young idiots are too stupid and selfish to figure out how to get married and have children.\u00a0 If you were allowed to fail to reproduce it has the potential to cripple the future work force and devastate the society we live in.\u00a0 So as much as it pains me to actually interact with you losers, I your president, will step in and save you from your own imbecility.<\/p>\n

So tonight, I am rolling out a new program. \u00a0I am calling it Momma Melania\u2019s Match Making Service and along with the tax and education benefits, I will sweeten the deal for the first million couples by throwing in a free obstetrics and pediatric plan along with a free box of Trump genuine imitation Cuban cigars for the doting new fathers.<\/p>\n

(now Melania Trump walks into the center stage wearing a form fitting blue outfit adorned with red double hearts)<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 That\u2019s right, you women will no longer have to work at your horribly boring jobs, live in your teeny tiny apartments eating your ramen noodles and talking to your cats.\u00a0 Schmoopey, I mean Mr. President Trump will find you beautiful men with strong muscular arms and big shoulders and piles of gold.\u00a0 They will give you children by the sexy loving and you will raise these children and watch tv.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 Uhhh, sure.\u00a0 And you so called men out there.\u00a0 Here\u2019s your one and only chance to escape from your parents\u2019 basements and actually grow up.\u00a0 If you follow through on this deal and not only get married but manage to somehow produce offspring, I can guarantee that we will keep you employed and help you raise a family the way your fathers did it, with a living wage job and a stay at home mom for your kids.\u00a0 Now understand, nobody\u2019s gonna be rich and nobody\u2019s gonna marry Snow White.\u00a0 But let\u2019s face it, you\u2019re not exactly Prince Charming.\u00a0 If you were, you wouldn\u2019t still be in the basement.\u00a0 But you are a generation that got the Bush\/Clinton\/Bush\/Obama economic\/cultural shaft.\u00a0 You bore the full brunt of industry off-shoring and industrial strength feminism, you poor bastards.<\/p>\n

MT \u2013 Oh Schmoopey don\u2019t be so mean to them, they will make very wonderful husbands for these women.\u00a0 So, ladies, throw away your birth control pills and burn your power skirt and buy a cookbook and an apron.\u00a0 Instead of being that sad, confused Lena Dunham you can be like me a happy, humble stay at home mom.<\/p>\n

PT \u2013 So that\u2019s what humble costs a month.\u00a0\u00a0 \u2026\u2026.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Well, anyway you people will have to work out the details yourselves.\u00a0 I\u2019ve assembled a crack team of forensic psychiatrists to separate out any actual serial killers from the run of the mill psychopathic Americans so although we can\u2019t guarantee Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart at least you\u2019ll probably survive the courtship.\u00a0 But this is a limited time deal so first come first served.\u00a0 Call the number on your screen and join the real world, you losers.\u00a0 Trump out.<\/p>\n

(scene shifts back to the three girls watching tv in the living room)<\/p>\n

KY \u2013 Oh, that Trump is such a jerk?\u00a0 We love Lena Dunham?<\/p>\n

SY \u2013 Oh, he is such a sexist?\u00a0 Why would we want to have children, right Macey?<\/p>\n

(Macey is reading the number off the tv and keying it in)<\/p>\n

MY \u2013 Uh yeah, about that, I\u2019ve been living here for ten years and if instead of living in this rat hole with the two of you, five cats and Lena Dunham, someone says I can have my own family then even if my new husband looks like Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy, I\u2019m all in.<\/p>\n

KY \u2013 Well, you will definitely be sorry?\u00a0 Won\u2019t she Stacey?<\/p>\n

(Stacey has begun copying the number from Macey)<\/p>\n

SY \u2013 Well, I don\u2019t want to get stuck with the real losers after the good slackers are all taken.\u00a0 Sorry Kasey.<\/p>\n

KY \u2013 Hey, give me that number!\u00a0 I don\u2019t even like cats.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Trump vs the Handmaid\u2019s Tale \u2013 Part 1 Beginning of story linked above Dramatis Personae \u2013 Kasey \u2013 (KY); Stacey \u2013 (SY); Macey \u2013 (MY);<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[1340,652,16,373],"class_list":["post-4260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-gen-x","tag-melania-trump","tag-trump","tag-trump-vs"],"yoast_head":"\nTrump vs the Handmaid\u2019s Tale \u2013 Part 3 - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/17\/trump-vs-the-handmaids-tale-part-3\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Trump vs the Handmaid\u2019s Tale \u2013 Part 3 - 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