Dramatis Personae: President Trump \u2013 (PT); \u00a0Jim Acosta, CNN \u2013 (JA); \u00a0\u00a0Major Garrett, CBS News \u2013 (MG);\u00a0 Hallie Jackson, NBC News \u2013 (HJ);\u00a0 Cecilia Vega, ABC News \u2013 (CV);\u00a0 Al Drago, New York Times \u2013 (AD)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm<\/p>\n
(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I\u2019ve instituted the new rules.\u00a0 I will now walk you through them.<\/p>\n
First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone.\u00a0 This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question.\u00a0 Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit.\u00a0 It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it.\u00a0 Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice.\u00a0 Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder.\u00a0 Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit.\u00a0 After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.<\/p>\n
Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we\u2019ll get started.<\/p>\n
(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Okay let\u2019s see who\u2019s first.\u00a0 How about you Major?<\/p>\n
MG \u2013 Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Yeah, I know Major, I said your name.\u00a0 What\u2019s your question?<\/p>\n
MG \u2013 Mr. President, don\u2019t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 You can\u2019t demean that which does not exist.\u00a0 You next Hallie.<\/p>\n
MG \u2013 As a foll\u2026 (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Major you weren\u2019t next.\u00a0 Bet that stings though.\u00a0 Hallie, you\u2019re next.<\/p>\n
HJ \u2013 Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?<\/p>\n
CV \u2013 Mr. President, aren\u2019t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 No Cecilia, I\u2019m generally not afraid.\u00a0 Al Drago, any question?<\/p>\n
AD \u2013 Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order.\u00a0 First, hah!\u00a0 Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua.\u00a0 You have a question Jim?<\/p>\n
JA \u2013 I protest such a vile characterization of myself.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 That\u2019s not a question.\u00a0 Major you\u2019re next.<\/p>\n
JA \u2013 How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 That was a question Jim, but it wasn\u2019t your turn.<\/p>\n
MG \u2013 Can I give my question to Jim.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 No, but that was a question so Hallie we\u2019re back to you.<\/p>\n
HJ \u2013 Still no question sir.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Cecilia?<\/p>\n
CV \u2013 Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Excellent, I\u2019ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game.\u00a0 And that brings us back to you Jim.\u00a0 Care to take another crack at it?\u00a0 But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.<\/p>\n
(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)<\/p>\n
JA \u2013 Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Certainly not you anymore Jim.\u00a0 You\u2019re such a good boy!\u00a0 Catch the treat!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dramatis Personae: President Trump \u2013 (PT); \u00a0Jim Acosta, CNN \u2013 (JA); \u00a0\u00a0Major Garrett, CBS News \u2013 (MG);\u00a0 Hallie Jackson, NBC News \u2013 (HJ);\u00a0 Cecilia Vega,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[1495,115,116,16,391,373],"class_list":["post-5223","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-jim-acosta","tag-msm","tag-the-msm","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor","tag-trump-vs"],"yoast_head":"\n