Scene 1 \u2013 Robert Iger\u2019s Office, Steven Spielberg and Robert DeNiro are sitting facing Iger\u2019s desk.<\/strong><\/p>\nRI \u2013 Look Steve and Bob we\u2019ve got to do something about this Oscar mess.\u00a0 ABC is hosting the Oscars this year and we\u2019re depending on the ratings to get us through the doldrums between the Superbowl and Spring training.\u00a0 And considering the money we\u2019re losing on the ESPN fiasco we need this bad.<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 Robert, why don\u2019t we have Bob over here do the hosting?\u00a0 Everyone loves him.\u00a0 He\u2019d be great.<\/p>\n
RD \u2013 Yeah, Robert, I\u2019ll kill it.\u00a0 I can start out with a Trump bash and end up with a #MeToo medley of monsters we\u2019ve purged this year.<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 Are you insane?\u00a0 We\u2019re trying to expand our base beyond the weirdos and cat ladies.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you try and be human?<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 Robert, what\u2019s wrong with playing to our base?<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 Look, other than Marvel superhero movies and cartoons this studio hasn\u2019t made a dime on any of these other pictures in years.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got to start bringing in normal people soon or I\u2019m going to sell off the other business to China and just keep Pixar and Marvel.\u00a0 Now who do we have who can bring in the normies?<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 How about Tom Hanks?<\/p>\n
RD \u2013 No good.\u00a0 Back when he was doing Bosom Buddies, he called his co-star a fruit while the camera was rolling.\u00a0 That\u2019s hate speech.<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 Great Caesar\u2019s Ghost!\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t GLAAD ever take a break?<\/p>\n
SS \u2013 I\u2019m sorry Robert, Tom was our last straight man that hasn\u2019t been #MeToo\u2019ed.<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 Alright you two idiots, get out of here.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to have some quiet so I can think.<\/p>\n
Scene 2 \u2013 Robert Iger\u2019s bedroom that same night.\u00a0 Iger in his bed alone talking to himself.<\/strong><\/p>\nRI \u2013 What can I do?\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried every actor, singer, politician and intellectual in the country and every one is either compromised or unwilling.\u00a0 What can I do, what can I do.<\/p>\n
Suddenly the ghost of Walt Disney appears over Iger\u2019s bed.<\/strong><\/p>\nGWD \u2013 Iger, you idiot, how did such a loser end up running my company?<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 Is that really you Walt Disney?<\/p>\n
GWD \u2013 No I\u2019m Tupac Shakur.\u00a0 Of course, it\u2019s me, you idiot.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a life size picture of me on your office wall.\u00a0 What\u2019s the matter, are you blind?<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 I just can\u2019t believe you\u2019re really here.<\/p>\n
GWD \u2013 Well, it\u2019s not as if I had a choice.\u00a0 I can\u2019t let a congenital imbecile like you chloroform my company.<\/p>\n
RI \u2013 But what can I do?\u00a0 The only man who isn\u2019t afraid of #MeToo is Rosie ODonnell.<\/p>\n
GWD \u2013 The answer is staring you in the face. (Disney punches Iger between the eyes<\/strong>)\u00a0 And when you wake up you\u2019ll have the answer.<\/p>\nScene 3 \u2013 Host\u2019s Dais at the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.\u00a0 President Trump walks to the microphone to the sound of screams and boos.<\/strong><\/p>\nPT \u2013 Good evening weirdos and losers of Hollywood.\u00a0 I\u2019m here because I\u2019m the only living man in these United States who isn\u2019t afraid of the Outrage Police.\u00a0 So, I\u2019ve been tasked with announcing the nominees and keeping it under four hours.<\/p>\n
Well I can do a lot better than that.\u00a0 How about four minutes?\u00a0 All you need to know is that no one who voted for me will see a single one of the pictures you\u2019ve nominated.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll tell you something else.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t start making movies like they did in the last century you\u2019ll be lucky if the Oscars make it to the next decade.\u00a0 My vote is for Deadpool 2.\u00a0 Oh, and DeNiro, you suck.\u00a0 Trump out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dramatis Personae:\u00a0 Robert Iger \u2013 (RI);\u00a0 The Ghost of Walt Disney \u2013 (GWD);\u00a0 Steven Spielberg \u2013 (SS);\u00a0 Robert De Niro \u2013 (RD);\u00a0 President Trump \u2013<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[999,335,168,512,16,391],"class_list":["post-5449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-disney","tag-hollywood","tag-humor","tag-the-oscars","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor"],"yoast_head":"\n
Trump vs the Kevin Hart Oscar Depart MAGA Restart - Orion's Cold Fire<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Trump vs the Kevin Hart Oscar Depart MAGA Restart - Orion's Cold Fire\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Dramatis Personae:\u00a0 Robert Iger \u2013 (RI);\u00a0 The Ghost of Walt Disney \u2013 (GWD);\u00a0 Steven Spielberg \u2013 (SS);\u00a0 Robert De Niro \u2013 (RD);\u00a0 President Trump \u2013\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Orion's Cold Fire\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-12-12T02:24:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"photog\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@orionscoldfire\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@orionscoldfire\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"photog\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"photog\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/#\/schema\/person\/d11e80f83f3825ce9fe38a5303eb64d3\"},\"headline\":\"Trump vs the Kevin Hart Oscar Depart MAGA Restart\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-12-12T02:24:31+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-12-12T02:24:31+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/\"},\"wordCount\":669,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/#organization\"},\"keywords\":[\"Disney\",\"Hollywood\",\"Humor\",\"The Oscars\",\"Trump\",\"Trump humor\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Current Events\",\"Humor\",\"Trump\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/orionscoldfire.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/11\/trump-vs-the-kevin-hart-oscar-depart-maga-restart\/\",\"name\":\"Trump vs the Kevin Hart Oscar Depart MAGA Restart - 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