Scene 1: Trump Campaign HQ. Two nights before the First Debate.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Campaign Manager Steve Bannon (SB):\u00a0 Mr. Trump, you called for me?<\/p>\n
Donald Trump (DT):\u00a0 Bannon, I need your help preparing for the debate.<\/p>\n
SB:\u00a0 Certainly sir.\u00a0 Do you need someone to stand in for Mrs. Clinton or the moderator?<\/p>\n
DT:\u00a0 Well sort of.\u00a0 I need someone who\u2019s the same height and weight as Hillary.<\/p>\n
SB:\u00a0 Uhhhh \u2026\u2026 why?<\/p>\n
DT:\u00a0 I need to practice some fighting techniques for when she vamps out and rushes me.<\/p>\n
SB:\u00a0 Mr. Trump, I must assure you that there is absolutely no possibility that Mrs. Clinton is a vampire.\u00a0 And despite what occurred in Louisiana, you are most definitely not a werewolf.<\/p>\n
DT:\u00a0 Look Bannon, obviously you\u2019re just not as perceptive as I am.\u00a0 You know, with my werewolf senses and stuff.\u00a0 Trust me.\u00a0 It\u2019s completely certain that she is some species of undead and 83% certain to be a vampire.\u00a0 The science is settled on this point.\u00a0 You either have to lead, follow or get out of the way.\u00a0 I intend to lead.\u00a0 My plan is to replace the drinking water on the stage with holy water and when she drinks it her face and throat will burst into flames.\u00a0 At that point I intend to stake her and pin her to the podium carpet.\u00a0 Then I\u2019ll\u00a0 explain to the Secret Service the importance of decapitating her and stuffing her mouth with garlic as soon as the debate is finished.\u00a0 My only problem at this point is whether I should go after Bill next or hold off until the full moon.\u00a0 I believe he is the senior vampire and his strength may be too great for me to take him down without my werewolf power.<\/p>\n
SB:\u00a0 For God\u2019s sake stop this insanity.\u00a0 You\u2019re running for the most powerful office in the world.\u00a0 If anyone heard you talking like this you\u2019d be locked up in a nuthouse within an hour.\u00a0 When I took this job I knew you were goofy but I didn\u2019t think you were bat-shit crazy.\u00a0 Look I should probably drop a dime on you myself but so help me I need this gig to work.\u00a0 So come on, snap out of it and try to act sane.<\/p>\n
DT:\u00a0 Bannon, I can\u2019t work with someone so stupid. You\u2019re fired. Now send in Kellyanne so I can get going on this debate prep work.<\/p>\n
SB: Goodbye and good riddance you psycho.<\/p>\n
Scene 2: First Presidential Debate.<\/p>\n
BBC Correspondent (BBCC): Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the BBC radio coverage of the 2016 First Presidential Debate between Democratic Party candidate, the esteemed former First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Party candidate, the eccentric failed businessman and reality show personality Donald Trump. The candidates have met for a decidedly tepid handshake and now have taken their places at their podiums. Mrs Clinton is looking decidedly hale and hearty and not at all like the frail elderly person that the Trump campaign has presented her as. As you can now hear Mr. Trump is making some decidedly sophomoric opening remarks about mexican payment for masonry or some such rubbish. Now it is Mrs. Clinton\u2019s turn and as you must hear her diction and elocution is masterful and might I even say delightful. Why it seems entirely possible that Mr. Trump may retreat immediately and vacate the stage in the face of such commanding eloquence. Mrs. Clinton has finished and the studio audience is standing and applauding quite spontaneously. It\u2019s an amazing sight. I think I can be forgiven for saying that a second debate will be completely unnecessary. I feel I must go on the record to congratulate Madam President for this amazing victory. Well done, oh well done.<\/p>\n
Trump looks dumbfounded he\u2019s just looking at Hillary as if he expects more punishment from her. Mrs. Clinton is basking in the glow of her still cheering audience. Now she\u2019s reaching for her glass of water for a well deserved beverage. The moderator has asked Trump his first question but the oafish challenger is so overwhelmed by the intellectual beating he\u2019s just taken he hasn\u2019t heard a word of it. He\u2019s still staring at the First Lady as if she will further abuse him while drinking her water. Does he imagine her to be a ventriloquist?<\/p>\n
Wait a minute something terrible has just occurred! An enormous flash of light and flames have erupted around the face of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Was the water in the glass actually some kind of incendiary material. A horrible shriek is going up. Oh the poor woman! The secret service is converging on her. They\u2019ve encircled her. Oh help her, help her! She\u2019s on the floor now. But wait the agents are scattering away. All but one. He is holding the First Lady. No she has him. Now he\u2019s screaming. Something unbelievable is occurring. Mrs. Clinton seems to have increased in size and metamorphosed somehow. She is ripping out of the delightful powder blue pantsuit and is taking on a decidedly bat-like appearance. She seems to have exsanguinated the secret service gentleman and is approaching the moderator. This is taking a decidedly unexpected turn and it appears that the moderator feels that Mrs. Clinton has exceeded the already very generous bounds of allowable debating technique at this juncture.<\/p>\n
But hold on, Mr. Trump is charging at Mrs. Clinton and appears to have a large pointed wooden implement in his hand. Although this also seems outside the bounds of allowable debating etiquette it appears the moderator is not going to object. Mrs. Clinton must have noticed his approach because she has pivoted away from the moderator and is facing Trump. But alas she is too late. He has implanted the wooden object into Mrs. Clinton\u2019s thoracic region right up to the hilt. And he calls himself a gentleman! Shocking.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Clinton has landed on her back and is thrashing about spasmodically. Mr. Trump is standing back. He’s saying something. I can\u2019t make it out. I\u2019m looking at the program feed that we provide for the deaf viewers and it has transcribed his words as \u201csuck on that Bannon.\u201d Well that strikes me as entirely cryptic.<\/p>\n
Well Mrs. Clinton appears to have expired and is beginning to deflate down into a dessicated pile of detritus. Mr. Trump is returning to his podium and appears about to speak. Let\u2019s move in for his comments.<\/p>\n
DT: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight we have witnessed the ultimate proof of the greatness that is Trump. I have saved America from the undead and also higher taxes. Because of the short window of opportunity to select a new democratic candidate I have instructed the Democrats to leave Hillary\u2019s name on the ballot. Let\u2019s face it, anyone they picked at this point is probably also undead and I\u2019ll just have to stake him too. Because of the shocking events of tonight and also because I myself am now a werewolf, I\u2019ve decided to end my campaigning activities and will just wait for your acclamation in November. So go back to your lives and don\u2019t worry about anything. Werewolf Trump has got your back. After my inauguration I\u2019ll be using my special werewolf senses to root out injustice and corruption wherever it exists in the federal government. My summary judgement will be brutal but fair. Also I\u2019ll be taping these events for my new reality series \u201cVigilante Werewolf President.\u201d It will be hard-hitting but classy. Very little nudity. I predict it will last eight seasons or more. Trump out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Scene 1: Trump Campaign HQ. Two nights before the First Debate. Campaign Manager Steve Bannon (SB):\u00a0 Mr. Trump, you called for me? Donald Trump<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[62,61,168,16,59,54,60],"class_list":["post-563","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-clinton","tag-debate","tag-humor","tag-trump","tag-urban-fantasy","tag-vampire","tag-werewolf"],"yoast_head":"\n