(Monday, 6am, White House West Wing)<\/p>\n
President Trump (PT) \u2013 Schmoopy! Schmoopy!\u00a0 Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you.<\/p>\n
Melania Trump (MT) \u2013 Schmoopy, calm down, I\u2019m right here!<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Schmoopy, I need your help.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Of course you do Schmoopy.\u00a0 What do you want.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 The Republicans in Congress are complete tools and can\u2019t get out of their own way.\u00a0 I need someone persuasive to get my agenda done for me.\u00a0 I want you to convince the Democrats to sign off on my agenda.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 How can I do that?\u00a0 I am not the ambassador. \u00a0I am the First Lady. My job is to smile and be friendly to the ugly people you have to work with.\u00a0 How can I make them do the things you want them to do?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Because you are a hot babe and these congressmen are geeks.\u00a0 If you smile at them they would walk through fire for you.\u00a0 They are total losers.\u00a0 And don\u2019t call them ugly it hurts their feelings, I think.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Is this the true thing?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 It is the true thing.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Okay what do you want from these congress geeks?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I want them to approve the Trump Care Bill.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 If I do this then you will stop crying like the baby?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 I don\u2019t cry like a baby.\u00a0 I\u2019m just tired of all the jerks who don\u2019t listen to me.\u00a0 Well, while you\u2019re there can you also get them to approve Justice Gorsuch for the Supreme Court?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Okay. Anything else?<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Uhhh\u2026\u00a0 Can you get them to approve the new budget?<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Okay.\u00a0 Schmoopy, let us cut to the chasing and get from you the whole list?\u00a0 I am the busy woman.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Sure, sure Schmoopy, I\u2019ll have Ryan or Pence or one of those other wonks put something together right away.\u00a0 Basically, it\u2019s called \u201cThe First One Hundred Day Plan.\u00a0 It\u2019s the secret of every successful presidency.\u00a0 All the important things get done in the first 100 days.\u00a0 After that it\u2019s just coasting.\u00a0 If you get all this stuff done now, I can go on vacation for the next three and a half years.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Oh Schmoopy that would be so nice I could spend the time redecorating the White House.\u00a0 That picture of Hillary is frightening Barron.\u00a0 I will replace it with the Where\u2019s Waldo picture he likes.<\/p>\n
Are you sure you can get all this done?\u00a0 We only have another few weeks left.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Weeks?\u00a0 Oh Schmoopy, I was planning on getting it done this afternoon.\u00a0 I have a quick trip to Queens this morning.\u00a0 I need to pick up those lamb chops you like at the butcher\u2019s and I need to meet Ivanka at Trump Tower to get our nails done, but then I will go to the Congress and tell them to do this list.\u00a0 I will meet you tonight for the lambs chops and rice for supper.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Schmoopy, that would be great.\u00a0 But be careful, the Congress is full of skunks.\u00a0 They\u2019re mostly jerks.<\/p>\n
(Later that day in the House of Representatives)<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Attention congress guys.\u00a0 I am your First Lady and I must speak with all of you.\u00a0 Please pay attention because this is very important and I have not much time.\u00a0 I must get that Where\u2019s Waldo picture up before Barron gets home.\u00a0 The Hillary picture is very scary.\u00a0 I have a list of things that you must do for Schmoopy, I mean Mr. President, your boss.\u00a0 Mr. President has told me that you do not want to do these things and you cannot be fired right away.\u00a0 But that does not mean that you will not suffer.\u00a0 Mr. President is very loud and he will yell at you and he will do the tweet and you will be very sad.\u00a0 And it is good that you do as he says.\u00a0 He is very smart and has the billions which make him even smarter and more handsome.\u00a0 And you want to do what I say because I am very pretty and you all are very homely.\u00a0 I say homely and not ugly because that would make you feel bad.\u00a0 And if you listen to me you will be happy and not sad like when you listen to the Pelosi who is very scary and has the bulgey eyes that look like popping out.\u00a0 She is very old and wrinkly and sounds like a crow and I think she might be crazy because she thinks Schmoopy\u2019s name is Bush, the brother of low energy Jeb.\u00a0 Also, if you do these things for Mr. President he will like you and give you the cuff links and the autographed deal art book which is very smart because he wrote it.\u00a0 And even more important, you will keep your jobs and not go to jail.\u00a0 Mr. President says you are all crooks and he wants to fire you and jail you and yell at you.\u00a0 So, don\u2019t say no but say yes instead and be happy and not sad.<\/p>\n
And you congress girls I want you to listen too.\u00a0 Do what I say and I will tell you the name of the girl who does my nails in Trump Tower.\u00a0 And when you look a little better Mr. President will invite you and the homely men to the barbecue at the White House.\u00a0 Then you will wear the push-up bra and look less homely and you can try to get the homely congress guys to marry you and let you quit the congress and stay home with the babies.\u00a0 That way you won\u2019t end up like the Pelosi who looks like the crazy witch or Hillary who was lost in the woods or Rosie who even scares the lesbians a little bit.\u00a0 Now get to work and I will wait another fifteen minutes and you will be done and then I will go home to Schmoopy and tell him not to fire you all later with the electing.<\/p>\n
(An hour later back at the West Wing)<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Hello Schmoopy I am back.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Schmoopy you did it!<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Yes, the list is done.\u00a0 Except the lamb chops were not fresh enough so I got veal.<\/p>\n
PT \u2013 Well that is kind of a let-down.\u00a0 But don\u2019t worry.\u00a0 I forgive you.<\/p>\n
MT \u2013 Thank you Schmoopy.\u00a0 You are the good man.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Monday, 6am, White House West Wing) President Trump (PT) \u2013 Schmoopy! Schmoopy!\u00a0 Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you. Melania Trump (MT)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,288,6],"tags":[152,168,117,151,16],"class_list":["post-901","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-current-events","category-humor","category-trump","tag-first-100-days","tag-humor","tag-melania","tag-parody","tag-trump"],"yoast_head":"\n