BISHOP – Welcome to the second 2024 Debate between the candidates running for the office of Dunwich First Selectman. I’m head moderator Uriah Bishop and I would introduce my four fellow moderators but they were eaten by candidate Hastur during the first debate. Well, one wasn’t eaten but he started running as soon as the debate ended and by now, he must be somewhere over the Canadian border. I will be running the debate but we have suspended all rules associated with the candidates’ actions out of naked fear of being ingested. So, we expect a lively but chaotic night.
Tonight, our candidates are Hastur and Azathoth also known as the “Blind Idiot God,” but in a positive and non-judgmental way. Seeing as Hastur scares me worst I will open up the debate by turning over the microphone to him.
HASTUR – Very good human, you managed to avoid immediate death. Keep up the good work. Well, Azathoth I see you’ve managed to scrape the cosmic barnacles off your face and show up for this debate. What do you have to say for yourself?
AZATHOTH – Hey, watch that kind of talk. Why in my day young whippersnappers knew enough to only speak when they were spoken to. If you can’t keep a civil tongue in your head, I’ll take you out behind the Crab Nebula and teach you some manners, by gum.
HASTUR – Calm down sleepy Joe. They don’t call you the Blind Idiot God for nothing. If we squared off, you’d be lucky not to poke your own eye out with one of your claws. Now let’s cut to the chase and tell the audience of puny humans what we each hope to achieve as “First Selectman.” For instance, I hope to ban humans from adding artificial sweeteners to their foods and drinks. All of these additives build up in human cells and always give me a headache if I have more than two or three humans at a meal. Especially the female humans with their attempts to lose weight to attract a man.
AZATHOTH – Hey, what do you mean by stereotyping women that way? That’s obviously sexist and it’s fat-shaming too. What are you? Some kind of agent of the patriarchy. Why I oughta haul off and belt you one, you dog-faced pony soldier, you! And why do you assume a woman is trying to attract a man. Are you trying to deny the existence of the LGBTQ?
HASTUR – Okay that’s enough.
(Hastur closes with Azathoth and proceeds to dismember him. First, he snaps off his lobster-like claws and then all of his remaining limbs.)
AZATHOTH – Ahhhhh! Ahhhh! You can’t do that to me. I’m the supreme deity of the Cthulhu Mythos.
HASTUR – Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you also taste really good baked with some dipping butter on the side. So, everyone is invited to join me on the beach tonight for a good old seafood bake. Bring your own bibs and I’ll provide the sides and beer.
BISHOP – Well, there you have it folks. Hastur has taken to our New England customs and cuisine surprisingly quickly for an invading intergalactic demigod from another dimension. And I for one applaud his generosity in hosting this party. But I will not be attending. There was no talk of what the side dishes would be and I don’t wish to tempt fate by ending up as one of them. So, until the next debate this is Uriah Bishop wishing you a good night and nightmare free dreams.