So, this week, in the middle of all the usual crises in Dunwich I got a visit from the First Selectman. I was out in the fields when suddenly the shadow of a five-hundred-foot eldritch horror darkened my path. Now tact is always the key survival trait when dealing with the First Selectman. So, I greeted him respectfully and asked him to what I owed the honor of his attention.
He got right to the point. His kin were having a visit to Dunwich and he wanted to make sure they had a nice stay. Well, when Azathoth, Yog-Sothoth and Nyarlathotep come to town, they’re bound to be hungry from the interdimensional transit and will expect something substantial with which to restore the tissues. So, Cthulhu wanted me to arrange the menu. Since Dunwich is a farming town, I suggested cattle. He gave me a shake of his cephalopodic head and reminded me that all three visitors were obligate anthropophages. Well, that would make this a tricky assignment. Even though I’m regularly fed up with most of my neighbors, I’m not really comfortable with them being eaten alive by monsters from beyond space. And I especially don’t want to be the one feeding them to the hideous entities. But neither did I want to be next on the menu for refusing. So, what to do?
Well, it took a little work but by the creative lowering of our fairground fees I was able to attract and book the Democratic Socialists of America’s New England political rally for that weekend. And wouldn’t you know Graham Plattner was the keynote speaker! Now without a doubt an oysterman would provide just the tang of New England cuisine that the First Selectman’s family would find irresistible. My plan is to let the rally reach a crescendo of communistic agitation and then use a couple of fire houses to marinate the crowd. I gave the First Selectman his choice of sauces; classic Worcestershire cocktail, garlic butter, Bang Bang or a Remoulade. Being old fashioned he went with the garlic butter.
I know, I know. What kind of heartless monster would feed his fellow humans to creatures of cosmic horror. I did think a while about it. But then I remembered that Bernie Sanders and AOC were also supposed to be attending. So that seemed to assuage my conscience.
But today I had new pangs of guilt. I mean Azathoth, Yog-Sothoth and Nyarlathotep have never caused me any harm and here I was feeding them some of the most toxic creatures on the planet. I mean, what if they got really sick. It would be my fault. At the very least maybe I should provide a photo of Plattner to the Great Old Ones and warn them that he probably had at least a sixty-proof rating and anyone with an alcohol problem should probably steer clear of the pugnacious oysterman and stick to something a little less spicy. Well, anyway, the First Selectman seems pleased with the menu. That’s something.
Here we are in the last week of July. Wow. The days fly by when you’re too busy with annoying drudgery. So that’s a strange way of looking at it. While engaged in the drudgery it’s crawling along. But when I finally escape, the day is already wasted away. And what’s left flies down the gravity drain into the past in the blink of an eye. So, I’m just annoyed at the present situation. And it’s only gonna get worse in August and so I’m terribly disgruntled. But until I figure a way out of the trap I’m in, it’s gonna be status quo. Enough. Well, at least I have the weekend off so I’m going to enjoy the next two days as much as is humanly possible. So, stop complaining!
We’re five episodes into the first season of “Landman” and it’s a very odd experience. The main story of Billy Bob Thornton’s character trying to manage a chaotic mix of oil field accidental mayhem, narcotraficante related mayhem and roughneck related mayhem is interesting but the subplot involving his terminally self-absorbed ex-wife is extremely annoying. The other themes associated with his son and daughter are pretty good and his son’s story is expanding into a larger role. Camera Girl and I are enjoying the experience of having a show that we can both watch with at least some degree of interest. There was one scene that I found particularly funny. Tommy Norris’s ex-wife is trying to stage a “family” dinner with herself, Tommy, their two kids and the two oil company guys who are staying at the company “house.” She insists that they all join hands around the table for a prayer and after it’s over the two outsiders are talking about it and one guy says, “Well, that was the first dinner prayer I can remember that was explicitly blasphemous.”
Friday, Saturday and Sunday’s weather is supposed to be beautiful. The kids came over to use the pool today and they said the temperature was perfect. And the butterfly bush is finally in full flower and monarchs and swallowtails (tiger and pipevine) are increasingly present as photographic subjects. And the raspberry canes are starting to produce a bumper crop of berries. So, this is peak mid-summer experience and if I wasn’t committed to an annoying task I would be in seventh heaven. Well, I guess it’s not that bad if I can take the time to complain this much about it.
One of our neighbors put out a bit of video from her bird feeder. It was of a black bear’s nose stuck up against the camera. The bear’s claws were fairly impressive and a good reminder that even a black bear is not a Disney character that you can approach with impunity. We have a bunch of blueberry bushes that are just about ripe so we may be getting a visit from Yogi and company at any time. I have a game camera mounted but I didn’t return the memory stick last time I downloaded the files. I probably should.
Well, that’s enough for now. Just regular stuff going on. Enjoy July.
I’m cheating here. I really don’t have some authoritative answer but I’m interested in opinions. I mean I have my own but I’d like to hear from you readers. I guess I’m trying to separate what people want to see filmed from what they think would film best. For instance, someone might love the book Stranger in a Strange Land but think that it wouldn’t translate to the screen at all. And conversely you might not care for a book but recognize that it would make an amazing visual spectacle. So that’s the challenge. What you pick could be your favorite sf book but only if you think that it would be a terrific movie.
So, to be fair I’ll have to pick a book and tell why the movie version would be phenomenal. Hmmmm.
Alright, so I’ll pick a controversial book; Heinlein’s “Starship Troopers.” And I’ll say why. I’m basing my opinion on the 1997 film directed by Paul Verhoeven. Verhoeven made the movie to be an ironic send-up of what he considered a fascist state. So, he was mocking the military that makes up the whole story. And yet, despite this hostile take on Heinlein’s book, the film is a staggeringly vivid visual spectacle. The vistas of battle on planet and in space are remarkable even though this movie used CGI effects that are several decades out of date. So, I try to imagine what could be done if someone who liked the story and the world it envisions wrote and directed it. I think it could be amazing.
Now let me add that I don’t think this would happen in a million years. Woke Hollywood has no interest in a pro-military sf war movie. Ever since Vietnam they’ve made more than ten anti-war movies for every pro-military one. But since I’m not asking, “what’s the movie most likely to be made,” I feel I can select the story that I favor regardless of its chances of actually appearing on the screen. I think of the visual showing Buenos Aires being obliterated from space by the Bugs and I think of what the emotional impact of that scene would be. And if the Rico character were presented as intended, I think it would be a sympathetic one for the male portion of the audience. Of course, the jury is still out on whether I would keep the communal male/female shower facilities that Verhoeven introduced into his film. It has its advantages and disadvantages as a cinematic device. But I would demand that the movie stay as close to Heinlein’s book as possible.
So come on everybody, pick the story that is perfect for the big screen and give your reasons why you think so. And I won’t restrict this by the book’s age. It could be Frankenstein, War of the Worlds or anything else. Even if it’s already been filmed several times, say why a new version would work. But for pity’s sake don’t give me a woke book. My stomach isn’t as strong as it used to be.
Replies:
Ed Brault:
Boy, this is a tough one. There are several I could choose from.
Larry Niven’s “A Gift from Earth” Set on a distant colony planet, it has action, suspense, political upheaval, and a rather unique social commentary on the impact of genetic engineering. The visuals would be well within CGI and other technical effects tech that has been around since Stargate SG-1.
Another would be “The Long ARM of Gil Hamilton. Crime and mystery in a not-too-distant future. Telepathy, psi powers, black market organ transplants, and a unique form of addiction that may not be that far off. All done in an almost-contemporary setting, just add automated flying cars, and a society so desperate for life-extending transplant material, they make almost any crime Capital, even False Advertising, sending the perp to the Organ Banks. Three short stories that put a creative spin on murder. The capper is the Jigsaw Girl, set on the Moon, with murder, attempted murder, conspiracy, clones, and interplanetary politics.
“The Children’s Hour”, set on the Wunderland colony on a planet of Alpha Centauri. Conquered by the felinoid race, the Kzinti, and it is used as a staging base for the planned conquest of Earth. Three invasion fleets have been beaten off, but a new Governor has brought a new philosophy of war. Instead of “Scream and Leap” he advocates careful study of the enemy, how he thinks, and how “inferior” technologies may be used in VERY sophisticated ways against a more advanced force. Earth’s GHQ wants him dead, and a special team is sent to get him, by a very fiendish, complex method, all set in a background very reminiscent of “Casablanca”.
Chemist:
We agree on Starship Troopers. I think it could be redone with more attention to Rico and his development – especially his reconciliation with his dad. Another Heinlein – Puppet Masters. I know. Been done. I think it could have been done better. It already has a very strong female character without being woke. Robert set Puppet Masters up for a sequel but never wrote it. I’d like to see a sequel where the humans take the war to Titan. I think a focus on the man / dog teams would be excellent. And we know how Hollywood loves sequels – here are two movies just waiting to be made.
Now if you want to make a serious romp movie – any of Harry Harrison’s “Stainless Steel Rat” books would do. If I were writing it, I’d lean into the anti-government aspect. I think it would play well today.
Tregonsee:
Well I would like to see Starship Troopers done correctly. I imagine RAH is still revolving in his grave or haunting Mr. Verhoeven over the 1997 travesty. I think The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress MIGHT work. I’ve always thought the first of Zelazny’s Amber Series Nine Princes in Amber might make a nice movie, or better an 8-10 1hr show series (with other Amber Books to follow if it works). Larry Niven’s Ringworld or Protector might work, although Ringworld will have to be edited lest it skate into deep R or NR rated territory. For romps I favor Connie Willis’ To Say Nothing Of The Dog it is eminently filmable, though again a series might work better. The time travel nonsense is just absolutely beautiful and hilarious; there is a romance (or three), and we rescue an extinct species (spoilers 🙂 ) of great interest. And last but not least, the first couple of the Honor Harrington series might be fun, In particular On Basilisk Station and Honor of The Queen . I’d love to see it get to Field of Dishonor but that’s 5 books in and because of prolong our heroine does not age, but whatever star we choose to play her will age.
Oh and of course given my handle I am for a version of E.E. Smith’s Galactic Patrol. Though I fear modern Hollywood would mangle it more than Mr Verhoeven did Starship Troopers. Many of its features (in particular Lenses being MALE only with one special exception) would not sell in the modern world.
A big issue is that a 2-2.5 hour movie requires 200-250 pages of script. a 150 page book EASILY fills that amount of script, but modern Novels run 300-450 pages (And I’m Not even talking to You Mr. Sanderson…). the series/miniseries model doesn’t make as much cash as a successful movie, so it can’t fund as many physical effects (which still are needed for convincing SciFi c.f. Hail Mary Project ). Hollywood has been leery of NEW SciFi with the soft returns on several Star Wars sequels (doesn’t help they were really weak) and the catastrophe that was John Carter, which I thought was a fairly decent rendering of the Barsoom series start (it essentially being A Princess Of Mars reworked a bit). Maybe Hail Mary Projects‘ success will disabuse them of their SciFi fears, at least until they screw some other pooch big time…
TomD:
Every SF book that I’d like to see as cinema combines the elements of imagination, extrapolation, character development and world building. Problem being that doing all that implies a movie too long and convoluted to be doable or effective.
The book that I’d most like to see is Robert Silverberg’s “Lord Valentines Castle” but it would take a Tolkien Trilogy’s worth of effort to do and quite unlikely.
Tregonsee replied to TomD:
Tom D said
“Every SF book that I’d like to see as cinema combines the elements of imagination, extrapolation, character development and world building.”
I think that is true of a great deal of SciFi/Fantasy. For a film or even a series, we like to have a character or two to focus on, both because star power helps sell films and because with a cast of thousands, filming costs go up and engagement goes down. For many years, The Lord of the Rings and Dune were thought unfilmable. Lynch’s Dune and Bakshi’s LOTR nearly proved that true. I Think Peter Jackson did exceptionally well with LOTR and Denis Villeneuve has done well (albeit mangling the timeline a bit and gender swapping a character unnecessarily) with Dune. It helps to have a producer/director/writer that loves and understands the material.
I don’t remember enough of Lord Valentines Castle to be able to comment on it reasonably, but I think you are correct it probably is to obscure and would perhaps feel derivative of other scifi/fantasy. I wonder if we don’t have two separate classes here: films we’d like to see made and films that could be filmed. The latter class has grown with Computer Special effects reducing costs and making some things possible (e.g. an anatomically correct Puppeteer or Kzin is impossible without modern special effects). I wonder how large the Venn diagram of the overlap of those two classes is. And of course there is a third class, interesting to the general public. without being in that class the chance to break even on production costs goes WAY down.
So, we’re heading into day three of the yellowish/brownish/greyish-sky world. Apparently, Canada is burning to the ground and we’ll be buried in a five-hundred-foot pile of ash by sometime around Labor Day. Well, it’s for a good cause after all. Once all of the Canadians have been incinerated, we can proceed to frack all the hydrocarbons out of the ground and turn the Great White North into a theme park of some sort. Of course, the only Canadian I knew well was actually a great guy. He was a French Canadian and he had a fantastic sense of humor and was a great fan of American pop culture. And he was amazingly honest. He was a great believer that Quebec should secede from Canada and was bitterly disappointed that his countrymen voted No on the referendum. But his pride in his French identity remained strong. Until, that is, his company transferred him to the Paris office. It was like a dream come true. But when he got there and tried to embrace his long-lost French brethren, they told him quite insultingly that he wasn’t French, he was “North American!” His heart was broken. But he rebounded and from then on, he recognized himself to be a North American.
Well, I hope he’s still living here in the States because based on the weight of ash weighing down my roof, I have to assume the only thing left uncarbonized up there is Hudson Bay. Now I know that Canada has embraced physician assisted suicide so hopefully one of the prescribed methods is roasting because that would be relatively economical at this juncture. I mean all you have to do is head northwest and eventually you’ll find the flame wall and after that it should be fairly simple to achieve unalive.
But I mustn’t sell Canada short. It did give us John Candy and the SC TV troupe. Interestingly, they always portrayed Americans in their most popular movies so I don’t know if it was their Canadian-ness that made them so funny. And I guess we also got Mike Myers from them too. And they have oil, coal, gas, gold, uranium and lumber so Canada used to have a lot of potential before it burned to the ground. I’m sure Trump will figure out a way to monetize what’s left of it. Whatever that idea will be, it will include branding the enterprise with the name “Trump” somehow. Although maybe instead he’ll rename it West Greenland because he really liked the whole Greenland acquisition idea.
From my own point of view, if I was looking for a way to renovate a carbonized Canada, I think I’d give the whole thing back to the Indians. Why not. It’s enormous and loaded with valuable resources and the people living there are annoying, so give it to the people who they’re always saying they stole it from. If they feel so bad about their theft then let them assuage their guilt and finally shut up about it. But the deal will be that they’ll have to do a much better job of putting out forest fires. We can loan them Smokey the Bear. Seems fair.
I was thinking about trying to start a YouTube channel. But I’m not sure if I can do it the way I want to. My idea is to host an animated version of First Selectman Cthulhu expounding for five minutes about whatever was on my mind that week. So, what this will require is some kind of free animation program that can be used to present the First Selectman speaking with a voice that would be appropriate for his status and personality. It would also be useful if from time to time he could do more than just stand there and talk. Possibly from time to time he could extract a human from a jar on his desk and swallow him. And I’d like to be able to make those humans recognizable images of famous people like politicians, film actors and other pompous asses.
Now I realize this is easier said than done. First of all, I have to develop an interesting persona for Cthulhu. Then I have to be able to produce these videos at least once a week. So that means they can’t take too long to produce and load onto YouTube. Also, I have to learn what rules there are on YouTube that I’m not allowed to break. I’ve seen that there are words like rape and murder that people cannot say on YouTube. I assume that is because using them results in demonetization. Now I wasn’t specifically trying to make money directly from YouTube. I wanted to use it to grow an audience for my writing but maybe demonetization goes hand in hand with throttling visibility so I need to learn all about those aspects of the site. If the restrictions are too limiting, I may not want to bother. After all humor can be kind of cruel and cruel seems to be the mortal sin of the woke generation.
I’m sure this will take a long time to roll out because my plate is already too full now. But I wanted to see if it’s doable. My website has never grown to the point where I can reach thousands of people. So, I figure I should try other platforms to see if I can expand my audience by several orders of magnitude. Obviously, I won’t interest the really largest segments of the population but I have seen where people who are adjacent to things I’m interested in can reach a larger audience. So, I figure I’ll try. Hopefully it will be fun.
Maybe I’ll have Cthulhu interview other supernatural celebrities like Dracula or the ghost of Lindsey Graham. Who knows, my version of Donald Trump might even show up. After all Cthulhu is a Great Old One and Trump is always talking about “great.” Or maybe he can do a cooking show where he shows how to make a jambalaya using Democrat and Republican politicians together. The possibilities are endless. But of course, all of this will be in bad taste so it may never see daylight on YouTube.
So, today Camera Girl asked me whether I had figured out the plot for my sequel to “The Sniper.” I had to confess that my efforts to outline the story had so far been pretty feeble. And this has a lot to do with work and the annoying responsibilities it entails. But I have been thinking of late about a plot line having to do with a very, very wealthy and powerful character (Connors) trying to change drastically the way that Americans live.
And this ties in with the current state of affairs in these United States. It’s apparent that people on the Left and the Right are turning to populist leaders and movements because the American dream doesn’t seem to be working very well lately. Of course, the two sides of the political “binary” would attack the problem in completely different ways. The Mamdani wing would confiscate all wealth and “redistribute” it in a way that would turn the United States into Cuba or worse. But even the Right hasn’t managed to turn America into a capitalist wonderland. Trump has made some moves to try and reverse the off-shoring of American industrial jobs but so far, the results have not been robust in my opinion.
So, I look at this situation and I think that this may be the challenge of our age. And suppose the political parties aren’t up to the challenge. And what if the corporations aren’t interested in being part of the solution. If I want to get dystopian, I can have us descend into a rerun of the end of the Roman Republic with our own Marius, Sulla, Pompey and Caesar. We could run that playbook and end up with an Augustus ushering in the approximately five centuries of American imperial rule by destroying the republic.
But what if I write a more hopeful tale. Not a utopia but a technocratic attempt to find a better way to organize society. Of course, artificial intelligence (AI) is the boogeyman of the day right now and it gets stood up as the cause of and cure for all our problems. So, I can easily be accused of jumping on the bandwagon if I have Connors use some form of AI to help design a different framework for integrating people with an optimal result for the great majority of the population.
Now, I freely admit I haven’t the foggiest idea what that would look like or even if such a thing is even theoretically possible. I wouldn’t want to end up looking like Plato does when someone reads through his “Republic” and the whole thing is a bunch of feeble arguments where he knocks down a bunch of straw men on his way to enthroning “philosopher kings” as his best and brightest ruling over his ant hive of an ancient brave new world.
But I think I would like to play around with this idea of a trillionaire re-ordering society along logical lines to optimize human happiness. So that’s kind of my take on the sequel’s plot. Of course, the first question I’m asking myself is whether the attempt is a success or a failure. I’ll have to roll it around to see which is more interesting. Have patience oh my friend Polemarchus.
So, today’s post is about nothing. I’m involved in a bunch of random things right now. I’m reading two novels. I’ve got Jim Butcher’s latest Harry Dresden book “Twelve Months” and I’m also reading a very old book called “Buddenbrooks” by the German author Thomas Mann. And you couldn’t hope to find two more completely different stories if you tried. But I have an interest in reading both. But the Dresden book flies by while Mann’s description of the 19th century events in the lives of the merchant family Buddenbrook is a task that I peck away at a few pages at a sitting. The translator saw fit to preserve the large chunks of French that Mann incorporated in the speech of some of his characters. And the religiosity and the local customs of Northern Germany are curiosities for a modern American reader.
I’m also involved in a microscopic inspection of the flora in the fields. I mentioned in an earlier post that I couldn’t find any preying mantis egg sacs in the yard this year and assumed that the mantids that I introduced into the yard in the last couple of years weren’t capable of surviving New England winters. Well, either that isn’t correct or the native populations are making their appearance this year. In two different areas of the yard on two different species of flowering plants (cone flowers and day lilies) I found the specimens photographed below.
Now, these critters are infinitesimally small. And considering my old eyes, I’m shocked I found then at all. And as things stand now, I haven’t been able to locate them again on the plants where I originally spotted them. But this doesn’t discourage me. After following some of the mantids around the fields last year I know that they get around and move quite a lot to find the diet of tiny bugs they need to fuel their substantial growth potential.
And I don’t mind saying that finding these little monsters cheered me up considerably. I really do enjoy hunting them around the fields and watching them go about their work of stalking, killing and eating tiny flies and other arthropods. Their skill is considerable and their appetites remarkable for something so small.
And the other thing keeping me busy is preparation for an upcoming birthday party for one of the grandchildren. I found out that the propane cylinder I was trying to get refilled was too old. Apparently after five years it’s considered unsafe and has to be recertified for use. So, the Tractor Supply folks sold me a new twenty-pound cylinder for eighty bucks and now I have both. I wonder how much they’ll charge me to “recertify” the old one? I’m guessing something like eighty bucks. After all, we’ve got to do whatever we can to discourage the use of evil hydrocarbons! But it’s fine. The burgers and dogs will still taste just as good cooked by the new propane.
Well, that’s enough for now. I’m watching my Amazon account today. I sold 613 pages of “The Sniper” on Kindle Unlimited today. That’s almost three books worth and that is pretty good for my sales output so I want to see if it increases before I go to bed.
Good morning my fellow Dunwichians. I come to you today with a heavy heart but a firm resolve. I’m sure that all of you are aware of the enormous scandal that has unfolded over the allegations that have swirled around my old friend Graham Platner. As you all know he and I go way back to the early days of the oyster farming craze of the twenty teens. After all, as a cephalopod I naturally gravitate to shellfish eating pursuits. And for many years we’ve made the rounds of the New England dive bar circuit. Of course, he was entering them looking for drunk chicks and after he was done I would rip the building from the ground and swallow all of the organic contents. But we were always very chummy. He would show me his death’s head tattoo and I would show him my keychain with the skulls of anybody who didn’t get out of my way that week. But we were always good pals.
But things have gone too far. His disrespect for women has crossed a line. Now, sure, I’ve had my moments of ribaldry with the fairer sex. That time I crashed the Smith College orientation day and ate the whole freshman class in a swimming pool full of barbecue sauce was a bit “forward” of me but I maintained the highest levels of decorum, always keeping my pinky fingers outstretched and never talking while chewing. And I did send an apology to the Dean of Students for neglecting to get a pool pass in advance. But in my heart, I’ve always been a true gentleman and have never disrespected women.
So, it is my sad duty to condemn Graham for his awful behavior and shocking actions. As the political head of the Dunwich Democratic Party, I must take the sad but necessary action of cancelling Graham Platner’s status as keynote speaker at the Dunwich Labor Day Jamboree. And I must further demand the return of all the free passes to the rides and attractions that have already been mailed to him. These passes represent a value of over eleven dollars and are much sought after by patrons of the event. I would hope that Graham would have the decency of mailing the passes in time for their use at the Labor Day festivities. He may have sunk into sexual moral depravity and criminality but at least let’s hope he hasn’t also become a selfish jerk too.
But as much as it is my sad duty to denounce Graham for his outrageous behavior, I feel it’s also necessary to extend the hope of redemption to this lost soul. During the Middle Ages the Church of Rome was famous for their carefully calibrated table of alms linked to indulgences for various terrible sins. In the same vein I’d like to offer Graham the chance to pay alms to Dunwich for the indulgence of his offences. I think three tons of oysters would cover the moral lapses in question quite nicely. If he could convey the alms to my refrigerator by the end of July, I think we could see him attending the Labor Day Jamboree as a “prodigal son” without too much squawking by the gals, in my estimation. Think about it Graham. I’m sure you’ll do the right thing, amigo.
SS – Good evening xe, xer and all the ships at sea, this is your intrepid reporter Snott Smelley here on my Substack; “The Smelley Report!” And tonight, I have an exclusive interview with that rising star of the communis…, I mean of the progressive wing of the Democrat party Gland Splatinher. Good evening Mr. Splatinher. May I call you Gland?
GS – Hello Snott. Sure thing. I’m just a simple oyster farmer from here in the heartland of Maine trying to strike a blow for just plain folks like myself.
SS – Well, Gland, things seem to have gotten complicated out here on the campaign trail for you lately and I thought maybe you needed to have a high-profile platform to get your side of the story out.
GS – Well, thank you Snott. Yes, as of late, my enemies have been weaponizing the news reports to spread lies about my past. They’re painting me as this angry, drunken, Neanderthal who brutalizes and rapes women on a regular basis. The truth is that I have no more than 5% Neanderthal DNA and there is absolutely nothing regular about my attacks. They’re completely random and completely justified.
SS – Justified?
GS – Sure! If you just listen to the latest story about me, it’s crystal clear that I was “black-out drunk” when I showed up. Well, that means I was not responsible for my actions. This puts me in the same category as Larry Talbot when he becomes the Wolfman. Sure, he tears his victims limb from limb but when he wakes up, he has no memory of his killings. So, ipso facto, he’s innocent. What my opponents are trying to do is paint me as more like a Count Dracula that is fully cognizant of his attacks and drains his victims of blood in the unholy quest for eternal life. My enemies are intentionally trying to conflate werewolves and vampires. But this couldn’t be farther from the truth in my case. In many ways I’m more of the victim than these accusers. After all, they had the chance to block me on Kik but encouraged me instead. Basically, they were painting a pentagram in their palms as far as I’m concerned.
SS – Well, Gland, that’s all very interesting, but how will the voters of Maine view this situation. Word is that all of the Democrat power brokers have turned on you and demand that you drop out of the race including Bernie Sanders who when he heard of the latest accusation broke into Yiddish and had a minor stroke.
GS – That’s where you come in Snott. With the long reach of your platform, I can get my story out. With your 300 million viewers I can get public opinion on my side and crowd fund my campaign to shout down the haters.
SS – Well I think there’s been a mistake. I said I had 300 viewers. You must have thought I meant 300 million. But I didn’t. But don’t worry, those three hundred are super loyal viewers and have netted me more than eleven dollars of super-chat money several times this month.
GS – Three hundred? Three hundred? What are you, an idiot? My cat videos get a thousand times that every day. Eleven dollars? I’m going to need eleven million dollars in lawyers’ fees to keep me out of prison on the assault charges. If you were in the same room with me right now, I’d finish you. Don’t ever contact me again you loser. (The feed closes)
SS – Well folks, you heard it here first. Gland Splatinher will be using the Larry Talbot defense in his upcoming campaign and subsequent assault trial. This is your humble servant Snott Smelley signing off and wishing you a safe, seen and centered tomorrow.
Here it is the Fourth of July and Camera Girl and I are home alone with the dogs and various other captive living organisms. The kids and the grandkids have headed for the ocean and we must fend for ourselves. And we had a nice dinner and finished up our chores (except this one) so I said let’s watch a movie to celebrate the Fourth. And I left the choice of movie up to her. What would she pick? Independence Day? Yankee Doodle Dandy? Ah, Wilderness? No, her pick was inspired.
“The Hot Dog Program.” It’s a documentary from a guy from Pittsburgh who did documentaries for PBS (boo!!!). The show travels across the country from Coney Island in Brooklyn to Anchorage, Alaska describing the local variations in the toppings, condiments and preparations of hot dogs in various places in the United States. And to tie it into the Fourth, the show features the Fourth of July hot dog eating contest at Coney Island.
But the real reason why this movie was a brilliant selection for the holiday is because back in 1999 when this special was made there were people in all parts of the country who were excited to describe hot dogs as the most American of American foods. And even the foreigners who were interviewed were visibly excited about associating with the American culture that the hot dog was emblematic of.
In place as different as Chicago IL and a small town in Alabama everyone thought of their local hot dog stand or store as a touchstone to their childhood memories and local life. It linked up with summer barbecues, baseball games and summer fun. And everyone from lawyers in Manhattan to Hollywood actors in Los Angeles to small town policemen in Georgia were sure that they knew the best place to get a hot and a drink. Of course, they wouldn’t agree whether that drink was papaya juice in Times Square or a Coke in a glass bottle in small-town South Carolina. But the disagreement is the point. It’s local flavor.
And the movie was also highly educational. We saw the awful cut of beef that is used in their manufacture and watched as the disgusting puree that eventually becomes hot dog is shaped, cooked and shot at high speed into a storage bin. What could be more appetizing?
But what makes this movie most enjoyable is seeing Americans from 1999 talk about an America that was still the one we all remember as kids. A place full of happy people who can enjoy a simple thing like having a hot dog for lunch without there being any political, cultural or ethnic baggage associated with an iconic American food. Back then no one was making the point that we should consider the taco or the egg roll (or even worse some vegan grass burger) should be the new American cuisine and we all should renounce the hot dog as anathema and bad for the planet. And that’s probably why we both enjoyed watching this so much. Happy Independence Day.
