Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office
Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President. I just got your message. How can I help you?
President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem. I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all. What the hell is the problem?
VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law. We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in. But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances. I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.
PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country? Are you crazy Pence? That’s not gonna happen.
VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.
PT: Ha! Pence you’re hopeless. All right, get the following things going. I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary. Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains. I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss. Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.
VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that! These are American citizens. They’ll be missed.
PT: I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet. So what’s it gonna be?
VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.
PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.
Scene 2: A week later. Oval Office.
VPP: Good morning Mr. President. Welcome back.
PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.
VPP: Something you ate sir?
PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence. Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little. And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight. I want to get things moving.
VPP: Right away Mr. President.
Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.
PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans. As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget. Well I am here to give you all an update. As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department. It is officially gone. I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday. I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.
But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one. Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest. And it won’t be easy on me. Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout. But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.
I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away. I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest. That should take care of that.
So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction. No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people. Thank you and good night. Trump out.