Category: Biden Humor

Mockery of Dementia Joe Biden

Meet the Pest

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Jonathan Capon:  Good evening I’m Jonathan Capon of the Washington Post.

David Books:  And I’m David Books of the New York Times.  And you’re watching the PBS News Hour.  Tonight, we will be speaking to former US President Joe Bilephlegm and his wonderful wife Dr. Jill.  Welcome Mr. President and First Lady.

President Bilephlegm:  Thank you, Phil.  It’s good to be back in Washington.  Where I belong.

Jill Bilephlegm:  Thank you, David.  He meant David.

David Books:  Yes, I’m sure he did.  Mr. President, since your withdrawal from the 2024 race and the subsequent catastrophic loss of your vice president to Donald Trump many people have been waiting for you to speak candidly about what you think happened in the election and what could have been done to prevent the loss.

President Bilephlegm:  I’m glad you asked Brad.  The answer is simple.  When I rope-a-doped Trump in the first debate many faint-hearted Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and George Clooney panicked.  They thought I really had gone bananas and began shouting for me to drop out of the race.  And then that bedwetter George Stepha-what’s-his-name piled on and before you know it, I’ve been kicked to the curb by these weak-kneed cowards.  And that left that drunken bimbo to try and face Donald Trump on her own.  It was hopeless.

Jonathan Capon:  Mr. President are you seriously claiming that your performance at the debate was an act?  Because at the time it was described as a shambolic disaster of the first water.

President Bilephlegm:  Listen nancy boy I’ve been handling bullies like Trump since before you groveled before your first editor.  I was first in my class at Harvard.  I took a bullet for Nelson Mandela and I fought at Iwo Jima.

Jonathan Capon:  What?  You barely graduated from the University of Delaware.  You never met Mandela.  And you were three years old when Iwo Jima was fought.  How could you possibly have been there?

President Bilephlegm:  I fought at the second battle of Iwo Jima.  It wasn’t as famous but the fighting was even tougher.  I was wounded five times and received three Congressional medals of honor for my service.  I turned the tide of the battle single-handedly and routed the Russians.

Jonathan Capon:  Oh, that’s enough, I’m out of here. (leaves the stage)

Jill Bilephlegm:  Come back Jonathan, you have to let him tell his story his own way.  He’s a great communicator.

President Bilephlegm:  Let him go.  I’ll tell my story to Freddie over here.  He’s a real newsman.

David Books:  It’s David, Mr. President, not Freddie.

President Bilephlegm:  Whatever you want to call yourself is fine with me Kemosabe.  Look I’m trying to get my story out so that my 2028 campaign will get off on the right track.  In 2026 I’ve got to hit the ground running if I want to get the moderate vote sewn up early.

David Books:  Mr. President, are you out of your mind?  You can’t run for president again.  You’d be ninety years old by the end of that term.

President Bilephlegm:  So?  Ninety is just a number.  Remember what Morning Schmoe said about me last year.  He said that intellectually, analytically, I was the best Bilephlegm there ever was.  And he was right!

David Books:  Well, their parent company is trying to spin off his network and lay off Morning Schmoe even as we speak so I wouldn’t give that too much weight.

President Bilephlegm:  Listen Brainiac, they laughed at Trump when he said he was coming back after a four-year hiatus and look at him now.  Why, he bestrides the known world like a colostomy.  In four years when he can’t run again, I’ll be back and I’ll win.

David Books:  With all due respect Mr. President, in four years you won’t be able to say your own name.

President Bilephlegm:  So what?  FDR had Elanor to help him.  I’ll have what’s-her-name over there to do the heavy lifting.  We’re a team.  And Hunter is already lining up some trade deals that should net billions for us.

David Books:  Who’s “us.”

President Bilephlegm:  The American people of course.

David Books:  Alright, that’s enough.  I’m going back to Canada.  At least our crooks don’t smell this bad (leaves stage).

President Bilephlegm:  (speaking in a stage whisper) So, all of you viewers out there, remember to vote for good old Joe.  (yelling) Don’t let the Nazis win!

A Sense of Loss

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“I can imagine what can be, unburdened by what has been.”  “Cannibals ate my Uncle Bosie.”

We all will feel a real sense of loss when Joe and Kamala move onto the next chapters of their lives.  Well, Kamala will anyway.  There is no next chapter of Joe’s life.  There may not be a next paragraph or even sentence.  If Biden shows up at the Inauguration, I hope someone will have had the foresight to bring along a body bag and some absorbent material; kitty litter or paper towels or something.

But we will be losing a lot.  I can remember in 2021 and 2022 when things were truly awful with COVID and the restrictions around it.  It was only Joe’s struggles with gravity that gave me the will to go on.  And what about Kamala’s pronouncements about yellow school buses and Venn diagrams?  It was only this level of idiocy that gave me the hope that even the American public would back away from the edge of the Abyss and send these two boobs packing in 2024.  Sure, it was thin gruel to keep us going for three and a half years but it was all we had.

And it worked!  In July when I watched Joe Biden in the debate it was like the clouds parting and the sun blazing out at me.  It was the promise of all those gaffes, flubs and pratfalls coming home to roost for the Democrats.  And it was not only that.  It was this fumbling, bumbling, inarticulate, incoherent dementia patient juxtapositioned against all the sound bites of politicians and reporters and talking heads like Morning Joe swearing on a stack of bibles that Jumping Joe Biden was “as sharp as a tack,” that “this version of Biden … is the best Biden ever.”  It was Christmas in July.  The horror and panic that descended on Washington and Hollywood and New York was hilarious.  And the more the Left begged Biden to drop out the more he doubled down.  The interview he did with Stephanopoulos was remarkable.  You could see the pain on Stephanopoulos’s face as he tried his best to put the dots together for Biden on how hopeless his chances were.

And finally, when Pelosi and her hatchet-men had delivered some doomsday ultimatum to Biden to force him out of the race, imagine the horror the campaign faced when they evaluated how they could package and sell Kamala.  Their first idea was the best; don’t let her say anything except, “joy.”  They used that for about a month, that and whatever versions of it they could frame.  I guess the most embarrassing was Kamala is “brat.”  But eventually they had to let her talk and that would eventually remind voters that presidents have to be able to speak and by extension, think.  And of course that is Kamala’s weak point.  Well, it’s one of them.  She’s also unlikeable and, perhaps worse, she’s incandescently inauthentic.  Everything she says comes across as an absurd lie that everyone can see through.

And so, the Left went from Biden to Harris.  Scylla to Charybdis.  Bad to worse.  Dumb and dumber.  I can only imagine the horror of the campaign team.  There must have been an ocean of booze imbibed during the campaign to keep the staff from bolting for the exits.  And the Democrat voters told themselves so many lies and so many contrasting versions of the truth, that it must have been like some kind of self-inflicted brainwashing protocol.  Yesterday, Biden is a super genius.  Today he’s a doddering moron and Harris is a political dynamo and a lock for the win. Tomorrow they’re praying for the Never-Trumpers like Liz Cheney to save them from a razor thin margin.  And then the morning after, it’s a wipeout and she never had a chance.  And thus, was spawned a thousand TikTok videos of angry women screaming at their phones about fascism, the 4B Movement and never going to Thanksgiving ever again.  Oh, so wonderful, oh so painful.

Well, we won’t have Joe Biden to kick around anymore.  I doubt anyone will even attend his funeral.  And Kamala will return to California where she hopes to become governor.  I kind of doubt it will happen.  If nothing else this campaign has made a lasting impression on everyone about just how stupid this woman is.  Maybe she can be mayor of San Francisco for life.  Those people have so much white guilt that setting up Kamala as a figurehead leader would make sense to them.  But that’s about as far as she’ll go.

So that’s it.  No more Joe.  No more Kamala.  When will we see their like again?  Never!

It gives me a feeling of emptiness, of loss.  We need a new leader for the Left.  Will Obama or Michelle fill the gap?  I kind of doubt it.  Well, we’ll have to wait and see.  Goodbye Uncle Bosie.  It was fun.

Where’s Joe Biden’s Nobel Peace Prize?

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Okay, so maybe I’m pushing it.  Maybe it’s too soon.  But then again Obama got his preemptively and let’s face it, if we don’t get Joe to Oslo soon it might be kind of embarrassing during the presentation ceremony.  And messy.

So, how about it?  If proof is needed, we can list Afghanistan, Ukraine (kinda), COVID, January Sixth convictions (by proxy), Trump assassination attempt (by proxy), eleven plus million migrants living on the dole and the laughs we got from the debate, plus the gift of Kamala Harris.

That’s a lot.

What did Teddy Roosevelt have?  The Russo-Japanese War peace treaty?  Thin soup as far as I can see.  After all, are they really any closer to friendship now than they were a hundred odd years ago?  Hardly.

No.  History is crying out for a Peace Prize for Biden.  In fact, the whole thing should be renamed the Joe Biden Peace Prize.  And the award should be reworked so that it is a replica of Joe Biden’s head.  Smiling, maybe.  But I’ll have to think about that.  He did have that great look during the debate.  You know whenever Trump was mocking him.  Not just a confused look but a look of incredible effort like he was trying to remember how to make his mouth close.  So maybe that look.

And inscribed on his forehead it could say something like, “Never forget that I, uhhh, look, you know the drill, uhhh, the thing, uhhh, oh forget it.”

Next year, Kamala Harris can get hers; either for winning the election or for losing it.  After that either Greta Thunberg or those kids who defaced one of Van Gogh’s sunflower paintings then super glued themselves to the wall.  That was world class.

But enough of this daydreaming.  Let’s get back to reality.  Even if they gave Joe the award tomorrow there’s a good chance, he won’t know what they’re saying or what it means.  So, we’ve got to break through the cognitive barrier.  What needs to be provided is a clear indication that he’s getting a lot of money.  No matter how far gone he is into imbecility he will still recognize and respond to a big pile of cash.

What makes sense is for the award money to be presented in one-dollar bills in a giant burlap bag with a dollar sign printed on the outside and the bills overflowing onto the floor.  I guess, in order to make it more familiar it should be presented to Joe by Hunter in his underwear smoking crack cocaine and surrounded by naked hookers.

And to round out the experience Doctor Jill and Barack Obama could be on either side of the stage clapping and telling him what a good boy he’s been for knowing all the words and eating all his ice cream and mostly not soiling himself.

Poor Alfred Nobel.  If only he could have lived long enough to see his award go to Barack Obama for his future contributions to world peace (which didn’t quite pan out).  And hopefully now to Joe Biden for his good sportsmanship in allowing himself without the need for violence to be forced to exit the Democratic presidential primary that he had already won and hand it over to someone even stupider than himself.  Now that’s what I call peace.

Mutiny on the HMS Biden

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Ah, the last few days without political posts have been really enjoyable.  Movies.  Now, that’s more like it.  And I’ll continue the trend going forward but I thought a short post on Debate-Gate would be okay.

This week’s news has been a steady drum beat of regime media flacks and Democrat operatives reiterating the message that for the good of Democracy Joe Biden must drop out of the presidential race.  They describe the replacing of Biden with Harris or some other, younger, less white, less male candidate in exciting and intriguing ways.  Obama and Clinton will preside over some kind of gameshow-like debate where these wondrous candidates will showcase for the nation their intelligence and charm.  A wonderful candidate will be chosen and it will inspire the voters and Trump will go down to ignominious defeat.  All we have to do is convince Joe to release his delegates.

But he doesn’t want to!

And this brings us to every talk show this week.  The formula is always the same, “I love Joe Biden.  He has done more for us than anyone possibly could and he is the most wonderful human being in the world and may possibly be a demi-god. But…”

And then there it is.  But!

But he is a senile, doddering old fool who will lose to Donald Trump in the general election unless we scare him off the ballot or, or, or…

Or what?  Because right now Joe Biden says he’s staying.  And I think he knows you can’t get rid of him unless one of two things happen.

One thing would be for the Justice Department to discover that Hunter Biden has been giving the “Big Guy” ten percent.  That would really work.  Joe would be hauled away and the Democrat Party could remove him for cause.  But would the Democrat side survive the fallout?  Wouldn’t it tar the whole party just in time for the fall vote?

The second way they could get him to quit is pay him off.  Probably $100 million in an off-shore account would do the trick.   But who wants to give Joe Biden all that money?

So, until such time as they are willing to bite the bullet, Joe is hanging tough.  And in the meantime, he puts out these interviews and press conferences where we can see just how demented he is.  And his poll numbers will keep drifting down.  He’s calling Kamala Harris, Donald Trump.  And Zelensky, Putin.  And he’s making millions into billions, into trillions and who knows what’s next.  And it’s only a matter of time until he stops wearing pants.  Basically, Grandpa Simpson is running the country and our allies abroad are starting to wonder whether they should start sizing up their other options.

And so, as we head into the Republican Convention and then the Democrat Convention media talking heads and congress-critters will continue running around in circles with their heads exploding all over the place.  All because the polls keep getting worse and worse for Biden but he just won’t do what he’s told.

And isn’t that great.

“Mr. Chairman, I Nominate President Joe Biden’s Reanimated Corpse”

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I think a consensus is growing that Joe Biden is one of the “walking dead.”  Okay, maybe technically he’s still alive.  He hasn’t equilibrated to room temperature or anything but essentially he’s a mindless zombie, animated by some occult power that is directly or indirectly tied to voodoo.

And with this consensus comes the necessity of renaming him.  Currently all newscasters make a point of referring to the president as “President Joe Biden.”  It’s never “President Biden.”   It’s as if they’re afraid we might confuse him with some other President Biden.  Perhaps they’re leaving out hope for an eventual President Hunter Biden.  Who knows?

Well, fine, now I want to give him an even more specific name.  I want him designated as “President Joe Biden’s reanimated corpse.”  I think this formulation captures perfectly all of the facets of Biden.  He’s not only Biden, he’s not only the president, but he’s also a zombie in good standing.  Just watching him shambling along moaning, falling down and befouling himself upholds the finest traditions of the classic zombie profile.  And the deathly pallor, vacant stare and incoherent muttering calls up flashbacks of George Romero’s classic Night of the Living Dead.

And in honor of Biden’s homage to this classic film I want to urge that all of Joe’s voters show up on election night dressed as zombies in order to signal their solidarity with our Undead Guy in Chief.  Show up disheveled, spattered in blood and dirt and clutching a half-eaten forearm.  Proudly support the ghoulish incumbent and feel free to gibber and moan when asked which district you’re from.  But at least have the decency to have your driver’s license when you show up.  Don’t be a jerk and waste everybody’s time.

Hopefully the media will have the good sense to arrange a third presidential debate on October 31st.  Only on Halloween will the reanimated corpse of Joe Biden truly reach his full potential and perform at his full capacity.  My hope is that the moderator will be Don Lemon and Undead Joe lives up to his full potential by wandering over to the moderator’s table and devouring Lemon on live tv.  Honestly I think that would be Lemon’s finest hour and it couldn’t hurt Biden’s numbers either.

Regardless of your opinion of Joe vis-a-vis the whole breathing and heart beating thing, you’ll have to agree that we’ve moved into a whole new era with respect to presidential candidates.  Even during Bill Clinton’s time in office we expected the candidates to be lucid, somewhat eloquent and healthy enough to stand on their feet for an hour or two without collapsing or losing control of their sphincters.

Those no longer seem to be necessary.  Anyone who’s watched any of the Biden “glitches” knows that at any moment he can start spouting gibberish or lock up while some normally autonomic function of his body fails and leaves him frozen in place like a mannequin.

I guess what has happened is that president is now a figurehead for the Deep State that runs the executive branch departments and decides on the policies that control the nation.  Okay, let’s say it out loud.  Joe doesn’t really decide anything.  The people who pull his strings do that.  Maybe that makes it easier to pull that lever.

The Great Debate of July 2024

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“Hello my name is Anderson Cooper and you are tuned into the first presidential debate between our beloved President Joe Biden and “convicted felon” and cartoon super-villain Donald Trump.  Jake Tapper and Dana Bash will be presiding over this incredible spectacle.

CNN has gone to great lengths to be both totally impartial but also relentlessly opposed to misinformation.  To that end Mr. Trump’s microphone is programmed to shut off whenever the moderators decide he is guilty of misinformation.  There was a debate about also attaching electrodes to Mr. Trump that would apply a punishing electric current in the event of multiple attempts at misinformation but it was decided that wouldn’t be legal, so you know.

I’ll come back after the debate with reactions from a test audience but right now let’s go to the debate as it begins.”

Dana: Good evening gentlemen, and you too Mr. Trump.  Our first question is for President Joe Biden.  Mr. President, out of all the amazing successes that you’ve had as president; conquering COVID, restoring the economy to incredible vibrance, fixing climate change, destroying racism and transphobia and curing cancer, what do you think is your greatest accomplishment?

Biden:  That’s a great question Dana.  I remember that time I was at Potsdam with Churchill, Truman and Stalin.  I had just beaten Stalin in an arm-wrestling contest and he had agreed to dismantle the Soviet Union in 1991 and I was feeling kind of good.  But I think all of that pales in comparison to that time I taught my son Hunter how to run a Ukrainian energy conglomerate.  He had been having some slight troubles with crack cocaine and I knew that learning the ropes of drilling and extracting oil and gas in Easten Europe would clear his head.  It’s like my Uncle Bosie always used to say, before he was eaten by New Guinean cannibals, “Always tell the truth and don’t take any guff from dog-faced pony soldiers.

Dana: Inspiring words to live by Mr. President.  Well, Donald Trump, you don’t have any accomplishments to name so instead let’s hear what you have to say about your high crimes and misdemeanors.  Are you most ashamed of your hush money conviction, your January 6th insurrection or your attempts to steal classified documents?

Trump: I’m most ashamed of having agreed to this charade.  You nitwits are going to try to sell the American people on the fantasy of Joe Biden being in his right mind.  That’s not going to work.  He’s delusional and barely able to speak coherent English for more than two minutes at a time.

Biden: Now hold on you dog-faced pony oldier, I’ll ake you hind the arn and ock some sense int ou and moulbi woudle foad mobe saiden ray.  Come on man!  You know.  The thing!

Trump: You see?  What the hell is a moulbi woudle?  The man is one step away from the memory ward at Happy Acres.

Jake: Listen Trump, we all recognize the incredible courage of President Biden for being America’s first zombie president.  Many of the recently deceased suffer from the prejudices and misinformation that unenlightened individuals such as yourself spread about them.

We’re here to make sure he gets an even playing field.  With the correct translation programs and subtitling “moulbi woudle” becomes, “set the record straight.”

Trump: Alright that’s enough.  You can do the rest of this without me.

Jake: That’s right and we will.  Our AI video program will provide us with an accurate version of what you would have said if you had stayed.

Trump: Deep fake?

Jake:  Potato, puhtata.

Trump: That’s about right.  Joe is some kind of vegetable anyway.  Well, I wouldn’t have lasted the whole ninety minutes anyway.  That smell is more than I can stand.