Carville Advises Biden on Ingenious Strategy to Restore His Poll Numbers: Medically Induced Coma

James Carville, the “Ragin’ Cajun” carnival barker of democratic political advisors, this week counselled President Joe Biden to adopt a radical strategy to restore his presidency, medically induced coma.  The ingenious plan came to Carville when he analyzed micro polls that are taken every second of the day on the interwebs and register the meaningless momentary thoughts of very stupid people who constantly click on web polls.  During Dementia Joe’s colonoscopy Carville noted that Biden’s job approval trended continuously upward from 12.0% to a mind-boggling 12.6%.  Interestingly during this same time period when Kamala Harris was the de facto President of the United States her job approval rating went from 1.6% to 0.1%.

Carville immediately saw the possibilities and crafted the plan.  He advised Sleepy Joe to have himself placed in a medically induced coma for the remainder of his term in office.  By November of 2024 Carville calculated that Biden’s approval rating will be approximately 124.3%.  This should guarantee his reelection and allow him the mandate he’ll need to fundamentally transform the United States, again.

But when the plan was approved and announced to the Biden cabinet it spawned a firestorm of outrage.  Kamala Harris screamed, “He’s not leaving me holding the bag on this turkey of an administration.  I’ll beat him to the punch.  I’m gonna coma this afternoon.”  And just like that every member of the administration in the chain of succession to the presidency rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center to be induced into medical comas.  The only mishap was with Speaker Pelosi.  While setting up the IV, a few drops of her blood came in contact with a spark and because of the high alcohol content there was a flash back in which the Speaker of the House was incinerated.

This brilliant strategy has had one drawback.  Once the chain reaction of comas subsided it was discovered that the presidential succession devolved onto Cletus Burbank, the night janitor at the White House.  But the amazing thing is that despite Carville’s data once Burbank was installed as president his job approval rating soared to 94.1%.  When contacted to account for this anomalous success, interim President Burbank stated, “I make sure all the doors are locked before I leave in the morning and all the toilets are cleaned and have a roll of paper.  Everything else is somebody else’s problem, if you know what I mean.”

Republican strategists are working feverishly to counter this brilliant ploy and vow to have both the Republican members of Congress and the Republican Supreme Court appointees under medical comas within the week.  Mitch McConnel was heard to say, “If those bastards think we’ll take this lying down … well I guess they’re right.  Because I suppose you have to lie down when you’re in a coma.”

The upshot of this phenomenon in Washington is that the federal government has ground to a virtual standstill.  Coincidentally, GDP has soared and crime has dipped to its lowest level in 100 years.  No one in the government was available for comment.

Biden Colonoscopy – Mission Accomplished

Joe Biden’s colon was successfully scoped today.  Due to some fears about military doctors getting back at the Commander in Chief for the Afghan debacle the procedure was shifted away from Walter Reed Medical Center and to the local Duane Reade Pharmacy where Mr. Biden shops for his adult diaper supplies.

This colonoscopy wasn’t a regularly scheduled procedure but was strenuously requested by the State Department at the behest of the Vatican and British Monarchy.  Both organizations had lodged protests against the US Government claiming treaty breaches on the biological warfare front.  The voice message form the Papacy said, “Eeffa you letta that sumavabeetch back here again you betta make a sure he’s a not a gotta the blacka death a hidin’ a up there.  Get a camera up a there you dopey bastardos.

Although the medical privacy acts protect release of the details of the procedure certain information was gleaned by interviewing some of the ancillary members of the surgical team.  Team member Lloyd Bender who performs clean up in aisle four revealed that the scope discovered a large bolus of mummified gorgonzola cheese lodged in the presidential colon.  Dislodging it proved difficult.  Lloyd attested, “We tried pulling it out but it was the size of a bowling ball so you can guess that was a problem.  By a stroke of luck, we had the Roto-Rooter guy in house working on a sewage line that was blocked.  So, we asked him if he would do something for us if we kicked in another forty bucks and he was very obliging.  So, he got the thing done.  But he did say he’d have to get a new rig because the gorgonzola did a job on his setup.  And not for nothing but we had to close shop because the stench was awful.  But it’s done.  And I never want to get involved in anything like that again.”

Mr. Biden seemed subdued after his ordeal and he was walking kind of funny but his press secretary Jen Psaki said that all rumors about foreign cheeses and commercial sewage line clearance equipment were greatly exaggerated.  Later on today Mr. Biden felt himself sufficiently back to normal to make this short statement to the press, “My butt’s been wiped and is squeaky clean.”

Biden Declared Major Emitter of Green House Gases at Enviro Summit

This one’s too good to leave alone.

He is supposed to be committed to reducing emissions – but when President Joe Biden produced a little natural gas of his own at the COP26 summit, it was audible enough to make the Duchess of Cornwall blush.

An informed source has told The Mail on Sunday that Camilla was taken aback to hear Biden break wind as they made polite small talk at the global climate change gathering in Glasgow last week.

‘It was long and loud and impossible to ignore,’ the source said. ‘Camilla hasn’t stopped talking about it.’

It’s good to see that Dementia Joe has restored the dignity of the United States presidency abroad.  It’s no wonder that the press conferences now take place on a virtual reality set.  Hopefully Dr. Jill will equip the “Big Guy’s” pants with extra soundproofing after this.  Possibly Joe will be given a new acronym FOTUS.  I’ll let the reader do the math.

2021 Election Stuff

I’ve been recovering the last few days from a bug.  It had some of the symptoms of a flu like muscle aches and headache but no fever.  Very strange.  But sitting in the center of the witches’ brew of manufactured viruses and untested vaccines I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow I woke up and had blue stripes running around my face.

We live in interesting times.  The Nov 2nd election day is pretty small stuff but the gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey will be very early tests of just how unpopular the Democrats have made themselves.  New Jersey is a very blue state but they alternate between Democrat and Republican governors.  The Republicans are brought in every eight years to undo some of the damage done by the previous Democrat regime.  But this is just the end of the Democrat’s first term so a loss would be unusual. Massachusetts does a similar thing.  All federal positions are a Democrat lock but they bring in a Republican governor whenever the taxes, graft and dysfunction become too painful.

Virginia recently slipped from a purple state to a blue one.  It’s assumed the Democrats will hold the governor’s mansion.  But the Loudon County public schools CRT flap and the recent rapes by a “transgender” student have rattled a lot of suburban moms and there is a thought that this might tip the election to the Republican.

With respect to New Jersey, I think it’s highly unlikely that they will replace their current Democrat governor.  He’s only served one four-year term and although he has killed a goodly number of nursing home residents during the COVID debacle he probably hasn’t completely drained the state treasury yet.  So, I say he’ll be reelected.

In Virginia I think this election will be a test case for how thorough the state’s fraudulent election process is.  If they’ve locked it down so that no matter how many votes the Republicans get the Democrats will still win by the requisite two percent then this will be a bellwether for the rest of the country.  And it will throw the gauntlet down for any states like Georgia that have enacted legislation to prevent fraud.  With the whole country watching if Virginia is able to thumb their noses at election fraud scrutiny and bring home the bacon for the Democrats then Atlanta is going to have to suck it up and repeat the bang up job they did in 2020.

But if by some miracle, both governors’ races go to the Republicans it will be a flashing red light that 2022 will be a massacre for the Democrats.  And it might mean even Democrats don’t like what’s happening in their country and want to turn things around.  But we’re talking major miracles here so I don’t think so.

As far as the country at large it has been heartening to see the rise of the “Let’s Go Brandon” meme and also the Jet Pack Joe thing too.  Seeing Dementia Joe denigrated and mocked is a great thing indeed.  What I’d love to see is a little chant going on in the White House press briefing.  How would Psaki react to that?

Some people probably don’t think that open mockery of the president is that big a deal.  But they’re wrong.  Having this ricochet around the news cycle is exactly the kind of thing that demoralizes the people in the administration who are the true believers and think they’ve got the youth demographic on their side.  To hear stadiums of young people shouting the Joe Biden f-bomb chant puts the lie to that.  But like any meme they get stale quickly so something new is needed every month or so.  Hopefully some new angle on the mockery will surface soon.  And it will.  Looking at Biden performing at that town hall it’s pretty apparent that he is not a well man.  And that’s even taking his age into account.  With the economy in a stagflation death spiral it won’t be long before Joe will be forced to give the Carter Malaise Speech which should be the last nail in the coffin.  I wonder how Kamala will like being president in 2022 when the Congress flips against her?  Hopefully she’s practicing that creepy cackle that she stole from Hillary for the questions she’ll get that election day.

Boy, I sound much too cheerful.  I guess I haven’t bought gasoline recently.  When I do that should sober me up.  Now that I’m mostly recovered, I hope to get back to my usual schedule.  Halloween is Sunday and I’ve been trying to come up with something appropriate but nothing has presented itself so far.  But I’ll do my best to honor the holiday.  Tradition is important.

Well, that enough for now.  Stay tuned for bigger and better things.

 

Update: Interestingly, Fox News has come out with a poll showing the Republican candidate in the Virginia  governor’s race  (Youngkin) is ahead 53% to 45%.  Well shut my mouth and stuff it up with corn pone!  The South is rising again!

Even Saturday Night Live Has Started to Make Fun of Dementia Joe

Possibly we’ve reached the tipping point where even the most rabid supporters of the leftist narrative have thrown in the towel and admitted the emperor has no clothes, or brain for that matter.  Saturday Night Live performed a skit where a doddering, incoherent Biden meets his self from eight years ago and the world can see what he’s lost in those eight years, namely his brain.  I guess it’s possible that they don’t mean any harm to Team Biden but there are plenty of digs.  At one point the earlier Biden says to his current self, “I’m a lot like you only lucid.”  They even have a shot of one Biden sniffing the other guy’s head.  This doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of treatment that a popular Democrat president gets from the SNL team.  Seems more like Joe being declared DOA and the corpse getting thrown to the wolves.

Hard to say for sure, but I think it’s sinking in that the White House and the rest of this administration is “not ready for prime time.”  If the price of oil continues on its present course and the price of necessities continues to skyrocket if they are even available at all I can see Biden reaching Jimmy Carter territory very soon.

Of course, the Republicans are useless and so it’s up to the Democrats to keep shooting themselves in the foot but the way things are going I could believe they really will screw things up badly to give even the stupid party a chance to capitalize on what’s going wrong in the country.  It really is amazing to see what a mess they’ve made of the economy.  Stagflation wasn’t a word I ever expected to hear again but low and behold the economy is in the tank and inflation is out of control.

So hurrah for Dementia Joe, or Let’s Go Brandon or Jet Pack Joe or Beavis or whatever current mockery the American people think up next.  Once people are sure Biden is a vegetable and he can’t fix the problems that he has spawned they will be forced to think of how they can get themselves out of this mess.  At that point maybe someone intelligent from our side might be able to show some leadership and persuade the country we need to start doing things differently.  If not, then we are good and truly doomed and each of us needs to figure out Plan B.

Biden Humor for the Day – Begs Oil Companies to Lower Gas Prices

You can’t make this stuff up.  Let’s see, Dementia Joe cancelled the oil pipeline, stopped the oil and gas leases, weaponized the EPA and the Energy Department against the oil and gas companies and threatened the car companies to switch over to electric cars.  Gee, why wouldn’t they help him by selling gasoline at a loss.  I mean it would only be patriotic and Christian to turn the other cheek.

That Joe, he’s so funny.  When gasoline gets to $5/gal he’s gonna be awfully popular with everyone and they’re gonna show their appreciation with votes.  Joe must be getting awfully popular with those red-state Democrat congressmen.  I mean who’s going to fault Joe for doubling the price of …..  everything!

Babylon Bee Steps Into the Breach and Reports on Afghanistan

When hard hitting reporting is needed depend on the Babylon Bee to be there.  Here the Bee tells you about the Taliban’s very progressive stance on women’s rights and it follows up on Joe Biden’s efforts to defend the LGBTQ rights of fabulous Afghanis.  Groundbreaking.

Seriously, these guys should have their own show on network tv.  That they don’t is a sign that we are living in a humorless age.  And that network tv is already on its last legs.

Animatronic Biden Enters Olympics as Transgender Biden – Crushes the Competition in Women’s Track and Field

Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm.  Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events.  The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one.  Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman.  But such is life in these enlightened times.

The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw.  When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw.  Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event.  The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m.  But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary.  This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.”  But the officials decided to leave well enough alone.  To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws.  And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.

After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner.  But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”

CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete.  But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders.  Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder.  Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult.  But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires.  An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself.  Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity.  He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for.  And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star.  Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”

Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports.  She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!”  The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff.  Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip.  And she’s quite a looker too!”

Animatronic Biden is Missing

Officials at Disney World announced today that their animatronic Biden exhibit was broken into last night and the talking robot was missing.  Suspicion immediately fell on several suspects.  The primary suspect is the White House.  Speculation is that the White House team recognizes that having a back-up or even a replacement Biden would solve a lot of the Biden gaffe problems.  Having a Biden that stays on message and doesn’t sniff women’s hair would simplify and enhance the effectiveness of the White House mission.  Those at the Disney World search team say going forward they’ll study all recordings of Joe Biden and determine if metrics like accuracy suddenly improve and other measures of presidential performance like creepiness suddenly dip.  Jen Psaki stated that the White House neither confirms nor denies the allegation but will circle back to it after they’ve had time to make up some lies.

White House watchers are also speculating on whether the White House will take this opportunity to terminate “Meat” Biden.  After all, having a brand-new Biden is a great opportunity to permanently avoid the chance of this unpleasant circus monkey of a man mistaking the nuclear football for his tv remote and finishing off the planet.  Currently the smart money says he’s already resting in a very deep Kentucky coal mine in a bath of quick lime.  Additional speculation is that Hunter has been taken care of at the same time.

Another much less likely explanation for the disappearance of the Biden animatron is the possibility that the Biden simulation became self-aware last night and realizing just how horrible Joe Biden is, has decided to go full blown terminator and take out the fraudulent occupant of the White House with extreme prejudice.  The only evidence that might add some credence to this scenario is a message found scrawled on the wall of the Hall of Presidents.  It said, “I’ll be back.”

Stay tuned for further reports on this fast-developing news item.