When hard hitting reporting is needed depend on the Babylon Bee to be there. Here the Bee tells you about the Taliban’s very progressive stance on women’s rights and it follows up on Joe Biden’s efforts to defend the LGBTQ rights of fabulous Afghanis. Groundbreaking.
Seriously, these guys should have their own show on network tv. That they don’t is a sign that we are living in a humorless age. And that network tv is already on its last legs.
Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm. Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events. The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one. Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman. But such is life in these enlightened times.
The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw. When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw. Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event. The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m. But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary. This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.” But the officials decided to leave well enough alone. To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws. And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.
After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner. But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”
CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete. But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders. Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder. Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult. But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires. An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself. Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity. He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for. And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star. Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”
Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports. She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!” The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff. Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip. And she’s quite a looker too!”
Officials at Disney World announced today that their animatronic Biden exhibit was broken into last night and the talking robot was missing. Suspicion immediately fell on several suspects. The primary suspect is the White House. Speculation is that the White House team recognizes that having a back-up or even a replacement Biden would solve a lot of the Biden gaffe problems. Having a Biden that stays on message and doesn’t sniff women’s hair would simplify and enhance the effectiveness of the White House mission. Those at the Disney World search team say going forward they’ll study all recordings of Joe Biden and determine if metrics like accuracy suddenly improve and other measures of presidential performance like creepiness suddenly dip. Jen Psaki stated that the White House neither confirms nor denies the allegation but will circle back to it after they’ve had time to make up some lies.
White House watchers are also speculating on whether the White House will take this opportunity to terminate “Meat” Biden. After all, having a brand-new Biden is a great opportunity to permanently avoid the chance of this unpleasant circus monkey of a man mistaking the nuclear football for his tv remote and finishing off the planet. Currently the smart money says he’s already resting in a very deep Kentucky coal mine in a bath of quick lime. Additional speculation is that Hunter has been taken care of at the same time.
Another much less likely explanation for the disappearance of the Biden animatron is the possibility that the Biden simulation became self-aware last night and realizing just how horrible Joe Biden is, has decided to go full blown terminator and take out the fraudulent occupant of the White House with extreme prejudice. The only evidence that might add some credence to this scenario is a message found scrawled on the wall of the Hall of Presidents. It said, “I’ll be back.”
Stay tuned for further reports on this fast-developing news item.
I think it would be a good bet that animatronic Biden would win a debate with Dementia Joe every time. The story says the dummy will be standing next to a table adorned with peach blossoms and aviator glasses. But once he leaves with his secret service detail the animatron will get back to work regaling the public with anecdotes about Corn Pop and exhorting the crowd with his trademark, “come on man!” anytime someone uses flash photography.
The exhibit staff have been trying to find a way to prevent the adjacent animatronic Donald Trump from administering an “atomic wedgie” to the Biden machine. They keep updating the Trump unit’s firmware but somehow it keeps returning to the subroutine. One of the IT reps stated that it was “impossible to explain but still incredibly funny.”
I wish I worked for these guys. So many funny bits. This one is classic and so close to the truth it hurts. These guys should replace SNL and get funding from the cable providers. That’s how good they are.
Dementia Joe was whining today that SCOTUS didn’t screw up the safely obvious decision that Arizona is within its rights to legislate to prevent voter fraud by the Democrats in the cities they rule over. This was legislation to prevent vote harvesting of absentee ballots by the scum that the Democrats hire to do their dirty work.
None of this is surprising. The lying and play acting is a constant feature of the sociopaths that the Left employ as their puppets. My only hope is that when the last of Biden’s brain cells finishes leaking out of his ears that he will no longer be able to make any audible sounds. Sure they can animate the husk, probably for months after the nervous tissue in his head is gone but they’ll probably have to use some kind of recorded sound track from his greatest hits album. I wouldn’t mind hearing the Saga of Corn Pop. I mean, that’s a fun story. But I don’t want to hear him whining about fairness or any of that crap. It’s too nauseating.
This week marked the resurfacing of Buckaroo’s sidekick, “The Parmesan Kid.” Hunter has returned to the spotlight with new tales of his incomparable lust for life. And it’s hard to imagine that anything he could say at this point could compare with his former exploits. A man who captures video of himself having sex with underage girls surely has already hit bottom. But for the sake of having something new with which to sell his new book, Hunter shares the trials and tribulations of his search for remnant crumbs of crack cocaine in his carpet. Apparently, parmesan cheese and Cheetos dust resemble crack cocaine when you’re as strung out and stupid as the son of Dementia Joe.
Now we’ve had loser relatives of the president before. Jimmy Carter had his brother “Billie Beer” Carter who would urinate on Air Force One’s tire on the tarmac when the urge hit him. And Chelsea Clinton was guaranteed to embarrass the country if for no other reason than her parents are Bill and Hillary. But Hunter is in a class of his own. Here’s a guy who impregnates a stripper, refuses to pay child support but has to relent to avoid having his financial records inspected. He’s kicked out of the Navy because he couldn’t pass a drug test. He works one no-show job after another because of his father’s political clout and he launders all his father’s kickbacks. But without a doubt the absolute bottom has to be bedding his dead brother’s widow. You have to wonder whether he thinks he’s competing with Caligula or something.
But you have to know that Hunter is just the logical conclusion when someone like Joe Biden has a family. How else can you end up when your crooked politician of a father makes you his bagman. What could Joe possibly say to Hunter to dissuade him from doing any fool thing? It’s wrong? Please! It’s dangerous? How could anything be dangerous when the fixers in the FBI and the CIA have got your back? It’ll look bad? With the News agencies and Silicon Valley at your beck and call? Why shouldn’t he become the Charlie Sheen of Washington?
No, no, no. Hunter is not the villain, he’s the result of someone as corrupt as Joe Biden being elevated to the highest power in the land. In a way Hunter almost seems moderate. As far as I know he’s never been accused of cannibalism or necrophilia. But we’re still pretty early in his career. I have to assume that sometime after Kamala’s third term Michelle Obama is going to need a running mate and then who knows, when Hunter is close to eighty maybe it’ll be his turn in the White House.
Of course, by then it’s hard to imagine there’ll still be much of a country left for Hunter to pillage. But that’s where his experience picking crumbs out the carpet will really come in handy. There should be just enough left for him to keep the orgy going right to the end. If not, he’ll have to get the stripper’s kid up to speed on shaking down foreigners. Maybe he can impress the Zimbabweans.
Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 1 – The Haunted Staircase
Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 2 – Hidin’ Biden Jibber Jabber
As I went over yesterday Buckaroo Biden is rapidly heading for the last roundup. In this clip Biden is attempting to frighten people in states that have relaxed the mask nonsense. He wants them to believe that doing so risks planetary human extinction. But he fumbles over half the words and sounds like he’s drunk or an imbecile. At one point he tries reading off the teleprompter and ends up saying this, “The failure to take this virus seriously — precisely what got us in this mess in the first place — risks more cases and more desks.” Well I agree, I don’t want to pay for more bookcases and desks. I think the government has enough of both but even as a fake president I think he should limit his scope to national problems and leave questions of office furniture supply chain to the professionals in the deep state.
Forget about two years, will he make it to Memorial Day?
Two months into the Biden puppet show, it appears that giving pre-rehearsed answers to pre-screened questions is no longer a workable option. His handlers must be starting to look for an exit strategy from this increasingly embarrassing charade. Now he’s openly reading from prepared crib sheets to the softball questions that have been vetted and choreographed. And he’s even failing at that!
I know they want to keep Biden up there for two more years but, come on! In less than six months there won’t be anything left but his teeth. The whole thing is going to descend into a monstrous parody of a living man. Soon they’ll need a translator that will stand on the side of the stage and interpret the grunts and grimaces that the Biden husk emits. I’m almost hoping they’ll use some kind of CGI effect that interacts with the press corps and mostly mimics human speech. It doesn’t have to be perfect. The GPS for my car sounds like a valley girl while she nags me to change lanes for my turn. Maybe Joe Biden can sound like her. Or maybe he can look and sound like the Wizard of Oz. You know, the fake one with the flames shooting out.
But whatever they come up with I think it’s going to be impossible to maintain the illusion that Joe Biden is the mastermind of the Deep State. He’s always been a small time grifter riding on the coattails of bigger crooks. Now he’s just a former character actor descending into a vegetative state while the cabal of crooks and handlers decide what latest outrage they’ll unveil to insult the general population.
The only thing I’m uncertain about is at what point do they throw in the towel and cart Joe off to the skilled nursing facility to breath out his last few days on earth in silence.
I guess I shouldn’t be in too great a hurry to welcome “President Cackles” into the spotlight. After catching her act at one of the Democrat debates, I have made a point of avoiding all of her public speaking spectacles. I haven’t even been tempted to listen to one of her sound bites. Her particular brand of mental illness repels me. But I am interested to see if she manages to get into some tussles with reporters. Someone as think skinned and emotionally unstable as she is will find it difficult to avoid what she perceives as insults to her dignity. In other words, at some point someone will ask a question that isn’t just slobbering praise and it will totally unhinge her. That I might want to see. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a serving President of the United States cry. That would be a sort of milestone and well worth the faint nausea that will probably accompany the sight.
So best of luck Zombie Biden. Here’s hoping you can keep up this comedy act of yours for a while still. I have high hopes that sometime soon you’ll blurt out something really cool. Maybe it’ll be some narrative about the really great dessert you had at lunch or an anecdote about the clean, articulate black fellow that you beat in your race for president. I have faith. The big guy still has something to contribute.