High drama unfolded today in Washington when at around 10 am sirens sounded and helicopter gunships and tactical attack aircraft were seen circling the White House. Thousands of troops formed a cordon around the White House. But by noon all military activity had returned to normal. Strange rumors circulated about the President’s whereabouts and at the afternoon press conference the President was questioned about the incident.
Upon being asked if anything unusual had occurred that morning President Biden replied, “I’m glad you asked that question Sparky, you old dog faced pony soldier, I was preparing for the national defense briefing when I found myself lost in an alternate universe. Suddenly a door to another dimension opened up and I found my self looking out at the old swimming hole I used to share with my boyhood chums Huck Finn and Corn Pop. Well, I got ready to go skinny dipping with them when all of a sudden, the interdimensional portal closed on me and I was trapped. I realized at once that white supremacists had lured me in with a false image. I struggled mightily and finally I remembered the super-secret Presidential beacon alarm. I triggered it and I was rescued by a special forces battalion.
Because of the heroic struggle I put up against the white supremacists in hyperspace, the Nobel Foundation will be awarding me both the Peace Prize and the award for physics. I have requested that instead of the medals being awarded to me by the King of Norway, that Greta Thunberg place the medals around my neck. Also, I will request that she use Wella Balsam shampoo beforehand.”
After the press conference a slightly different version emerged from unnamed White House sources.
This morning at 10 am President Biden turned up missing for his national security briefing. When the President’s Life Alert was triggered the secret service agents used the GPS device to triangulate his location. When the President’s clothes were found on the floor in front of a dumb waiter the worst was feared. But as best anyone can reconstruct the sequence of events, it appears that the President had wandered down an unfamiliar service corridor near the kitchen and after opening the door of the dumb waiter mistook the small metal box for an interdimensional portal that would allow him to relive his boyhood days at the swimming hole. After removing his clothes, he wedged himself in the small space but the door closed on him sending him into a panic. Although the lengthy captivity and cramped posture had resulted in some regrettable excretory mishaps the President was conscious and basically safe. The female secret service agents were dismissed and Dr Jill was summoned with the object of coaxing the agitated President out of his portal and back into his underwear. After decontamination of the dumb waiter and the President things returned to normal.
Later on, in the day when the incident was mentioned during the daily press conference Jen Psaki promised to circle back to it but assured the reporters that there was nothing funny about white supremacists marauding through interdimensional space and attempting to kidnap the President of the United States. The FBI has promised to round up the white supremacists and bring them to justice. Huck Finn and Corn Pop could not be reached for comment.