(Scene 1 – White House West Wing)
President Trump (PT): Schmoopy, schmoopy. Where are you?
Melania Trump (MT): Right here schmoopy. I was just on-line buying a new summer house in Tokyo. I am tired of the New York. It is smelly and ugly and the mayor is the smelly, ugly, commie pinko. I hate the barricade and the ugly, smelly, mean people who are mean to me and our son.
PT: Who is being mean to our son, schmoopy? I’ll have the secret service water board him.
MT: You cannot schmoopy. It is a mean girl from SNL and you cannot use the torture on girls. They’re so mean, they do not even notice it. It’s much better to get the National Enquirer to say that she has the herpes.
PT: Fine, I’ll go with that. Now I need your help.
MT: Of course schmoopy. We must all support the Commando of Cheap.
PT: That’s Commander in Chief.
MT: Oh. Well, sure, why not?
PT: Anyway, I need help with a problem. There are millions of American women who think I mean to do them harm. Did you see the news clips of the women with the hats in Washington?
MT: These are the pussy-heads?
MT: Oh schmoopy, there is no help for that. If your head is up there then you cannot hear anything, believe me. It is like the American expression, “you have the head up the butthole.”
PT: Yes, but we must try. I want as much support for my policies as I can possibly get.
MT: Schmoopy, I will try. I will talk to the hat women. I will ask them to take their heads out of their hats and hear the words.
PT: Thank you schmoopy. Now I must go and save the world from Prince Charles and Al Gore. They’re using up so much jet fuel during their celebrity protests against global warming that the strategic petroleum reserve is on EMPTY and the blinking red light is about to come on.
(Scene 2 – Podium of the Pussy Hat Rally in Central Park)
Rosie O’Donnell (RO): Sisters, we are here to resist the evil Trump regime with every fiber of our beings. With our hats, we form a sisterhood of solidarity. We are stronger than any man and we will not give up until we have conquered the enemy and his evil patriarchal rule.
Joy Beyhar (JB): Thank you Rosie, and now ladies we have a controversial speaker. Sort of a traitor to the sisterhood. Let’s give polite attention to Melania Trump.
RO: Booo! Booo! We hate you!
JB: Quiet Rosie. We have no time to waste.
MT: Thank you Joy. You are very kind to let me speak to these crazy women. And Rosie, have some cheesecake right away. You must be having the low energy.
MT: Hello Nasty Women. I am the First Lady Melania Trump. I know that you are angry with schmoopy because he said you are ugly and talk too much and because he gave the ass-kicking to Mrs. Clinton.
Crowd: Booo! Boooo!
MT: Please nasty women. Let me speak. You must know the truth and stop putting your heads in the pussy. Schmoopy does not mean you the harm. He only wants you to shut up and make the sandwich. I heard him say so. And he is right. If you do these things some of you may be able to find ugly husbands and produce ugly children. I know these things because I have friends and relatives who are also ugly and they are doing these things and producing the children. Go back to your homes. Bath yourselves and clean your hair. Put on the make-up and the push up bra and you will find the ugly men, I promise you. And do not vote for the Hillary again. She is very bad and her husband is a very creepy man. He stared at me at the swearing in and he was very scary. Now go away. You are too close to the Trump Tower and may scare Barron. He is frightened of the ugly women. He is not used to them.
(Scene 3 – White House West Wing)
MT: Schmoopy, I’m home.
PT: Schmoopy! The President of NOW has given up lesbianism and married Sylvester Stallone and Rosie O’Donnell has entered rehab. My poll number with women has gone up 30 points. How did you do it?
MT: I told them the true things that my mother told me when I was a beautiful little girl. She said Melania, for every ugly pot, there is an ugly lid. But not for you. You are beautiful and will marry the billionaire from America.
PT: This really is the greatest country in the world.