Scene: Trump for President campaign Headquarters, noticeably quiet.
Donald Trump (DT) – Hey where is everybody? Where are all the reporters waiting for my abuse?
Obsequious Flunky (OF) – Good morning sir. It’s so good to see you … here.
DT – Skip the groveling. Where the hell is everyone? I haven’t insulted anyone in almost a day. What the hell is going on here? The New York Times says I’m slipping in the polls and Hillary hasn’t coughed up a fur ball in over a week.
OF – Don’t worry sir. We’ve lined up an interview for you with Brian Williams.
DT – Williams? Are you nuts. He’s a total loser. They won’t even let him cover an Easter Egg Roll. He’s poison. Cancel that right now.
OF – But Mr. Trump there’s nothing else scheduled today. You’ll have to go twenty four hours without a reporter beating. That would be death for your election hopes.
DT – You lousy flunky! I’ll have your head for this. You’re fired!
Scene: Trump’s bedroom. Donald is on the phone with his wife Melania.
DT – Shmoopie, I’m worried. I fired my obsequious flunky and now I’ll have to go all the way until Monday without a headline. This could cost me the election.
MT – Oh no shmoopie, does this mean I’ll be poor?
DT – No, of course not. But it could mean you won’t get to live in the White House and you’ld have to stay here in Trump Tower.
MT – (delay before anwering) Yeahhhhh, that would be really bad. Anyway shmoopie, don’t worry. You are very smart and they are very ugly and smelly. You will win.
DT – Well I hope you’re right. Good night shmoopie.
MT – Good night shmoopie.
(They hang up.)
DT – (talking to himself as he gets into bed) I feel so alone. Who can I go to for advice. Nobody is as great as I am. Who can understand my unique problems? (he falls asleep).
Scene: Same bedroom later. The ghost of George Steinbrenner appear at the foot of Trump’s bed.
Ghost of George Steinbrenner (GoGS) – Donald, Donald, wake up.
DT – (waking up and pulling a 1910 from under his bed and pointing it at the apparition) Who the hell are you and who let you in?
GoGS – Donald it’s me George Steinbrenner.
DT – That’s impossible. Steinbrenner is dead.
GoGS – Yes and I’m his ghost.
DT – Holy crap. You do look like him! Well what do you want?
GoGS – I’ve come to help you with your problem.
DT – There is no problem. My hands are not only everything they should be but they’re also everything they could be.
GoGS – No you idiot I’m talking about your campaign problem.
DT – Oh that. Can you really help me?
GoGS – Yes. I know exactly what you need.
DT – Well then what should I do?
GoGS – Nothing.
DT – Well that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If I do nothing Hillary wins.
GoGS – Hear me out. What was my expertise?
DT – Building ships?
GoGS – Yeah but what was I known for?
DT – Hiring and firing Billy Martin?
GoGS – Exactly. Baseball. I knew exactly how to navigate a baseball season. And did you know that a presidential campaign and a baseball season are almost identical?
DT – I stand corrected. THAT is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
GoGS – Oh yeah smart guy? Think about it for a minute. Before the primaries is basically spring training. The primaries are the first half of the season. The convention is the All-Star Game. And the rest of the season leads up to the World Series which ends about the beginning of November.
DT – Okay. So let’s pretend that that makes sense. How does that help me?
GoGS – Well think about it. It’s almost time for the All-Star Game. What happens right before the All-Star Game?
DT – I don’t know. What.
GoGS – Exactly. Nothing. Nobody pays any attention for the last couple of weeks before the All-Star Game. Everybody needs a break from the non-stop schedule. And the All-Star Game (just like the convention) is a big symbolic stop in the calendar to let us catch our breath and enjoy the Fourth of July before the second half of the season begins.
DT – Okay that almost makes sense. So you’re saying I should go into hiding until the Convention.
GoGS – Hell no! Just make sure you don’t commit any unforced errors before then. Relax and map out your strategy for the playoffs and get ready for the World Series.
DT – You know, that’s pretty good. Thanks. I do feel better.
GoGS – Good. Now go back to sleep and make up some new names for Bill and Hillary.
DT – Thank you Ghost of George Steinbrenner. Is there anything I can do for you once I become President?
GoGS – Well a presidential decree disbanding the Boston Red Sox would be appreciated.