Month: June 2016

Scene: Trump for President campaign Headquarters, noticeably quiet.

Donald Trump (DT) – Hey where is everybody? Where are all the reporters waiting for my abuse?
Obsequious Flunky (OF) – Good morning sir. It’s so good to see you … here.
DT – Skip the groveling. Where the hell is everyone? I haven’t insulted anyone in almost a day. What the hell is going on here? The New York Times says I’m slipping in the polls and Hillary hasn’t coughed up a fur ball in over a week.
OF – Don’t worry sir. We’ve lined up an interview for you with Brian Williams.
DT – Williams? Are you nuts. He’s a total loser. They won’t even let him cover an Easter Egg Roll. He’s poison. Cancel that right now.
OF – But Mr. Trump there’s nothing else scheduled today. You’ll have to go twenty four hours without a reporter beating. That would be death for your election hopes.
DT – You lousy flunky! I’ll have your head for this. You’re fired!

Scene: Trump’s bedroom. Donald is on the phone with his wife Melania.
DT – Shmoopie, I’m worried. I fired my obsequious flunky and now I’ll have to go all the way until Monday without a headline. This could cost me the election.
MT – Oh no shmoopie, does this mean I’ll be poor?
DT – No, of course not. But it could mean you won’t get to live in the White House and you’ld have to stay here in Trump Tower.
MT – (delay before anwering) Yeahhhhh, that would be really bad. Anyway shmoopie, don’t worry. You are very smart and they are very ugly and smelly. You will win.
DT – Well I hope you’re right. Good night shmoopie.
MT – Good night shmoopie.
(They hang up.)
DT – (talking to himself as he gets into bed) I feel so alone. Who can I go to for advice. Nobody is as great as I am. Who can understand my unique problems? (he falls asleep).
Scene: Same bedroom later. The ghost of George Steinbrenner appear at the foot of Trump’s bed.
Ghost of George Steinbrenner (GoGS) – Donald, Donald, wake up.
DT – (waking up and pulling a 1910 from under his bed and pointing it at the apparition) Who the hell are you and who let you in?
GoGS – Donald it’s me George Steinbrenner.
DT – That’s impossible. Steinbrenner is dead.
GoGS – Yes and I’m his ghost.
DT – Holy crap. You do look like him! Well what do you want?
GoGS – I’ve come to help you with your problem.
DT – There is no problem. My hands are not only everything they should be but they’re also everything they could be.
GoGS – No you idiot I’m talking about your campaign problem.
DT – Oh that. Can you really help me?
GoGS – Yes. I know exactly what you need.
DT – Well then what should I do?
GoGS – Nothing.
DT – Well that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If I do nothing Hillary wins.
GoGS – Hear me out. What was my expertise?
DT – Building ships?
GoGS – Yeah but what was I known for?
DT – Hiring and firing Billy Martin?
GoGS – Exactly. Baseball. I knew exactly how to navigate a baseball season. And did you know that a presidential campaign and a baseball season are almost identical?
DT – I stand corrected. THAT is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
GoGS – Oh yeah smart guy? Think about it for a minute. Before the primaries is basically spring training. The primaries are the first half of the season. The convention is the All-Star Game. And the rest of the season leads up to the World Series which ends about the beginning of November.
DT – Okay. So let’s pretend that that makes sense. How does that help me?
GoGS – Well think about it. It’s almost time for the All-Star Game. What happens right before the All-Star Game?
DT – I don’t know. What.
GoGS – Exactly. Nothing. Nobody pays any attention for the last couple of weeks before the All-Star Game. Everybody needs a break from the non-stop schedule. And the All-Star Game (just like the convention) is a big symbolic stop in the calendar to let us catch our breath and enjoy the Fourth of July before the second half of the season begins.
DT – Okay that almost makes sense. So you’re saying I should go into hiding until the Convention.
GoGS – Hell no! Just make sure you don’t commit any unforced errors before then. Relax and map out your strategy for the playoffs and get ready for the World Series.
DT – You know, that’s pretty good. Thanks. I do feel better.
GoGS – Good. Now go back to sleep and make up some new names for Bill and Hillary.
DT – Thank you Ghost of George Steinbrenner. Is there anything I can do for you once I become President?
GoGS – Well a presidential decree disbanding the Boston Red Sox would be appreciated.

Scene: The Trump Penthouse Apartment
Morning.

Melania Trump (MT): Good morning, Shmoopie. Would you like bacon and eggs, or pancakes, or an omelet, or French Toast for breakfast?

Donald Trump (DT): Yes, Shmoopie.

(MP): Yes, but which one?

(DT): All of them, of course, Shmoopie.

(MP): No, you’re shmoopie!

(DT): No, you’re shmoopie!

(MP): Shmoopie, I’m so bored of talking to all of those ugly, smelly people. You know, George Snuffleupugus, and Jake Zappa and Megyn Belly. I hate them all. And I hate that you have to be away so much. Haven’t you won the president yet?

(DT): But shmoopie, I just won the nomination and now I have to go to the convention and give a speech and then do the debates and then win the election in November.

(MT): November! I can’t do this for another six months straight. Shmoopie! You need to take a week off and pay attention to me!

(DT): But shmoopie, Hillary isn’t taking a week off. What if I fall behind during the break.

(MT): Don’t be silly. It’s the summer. Everyone expects reruns in the summer. Just tell them to watch The Apprentice for the next week.

(DT): Shmoopie, that’s brilliant. That’s what I’ll do.

(MT): Of course, shmoopie, after all, you did marry me for my brains.

(DT): Uh, yeah, sure. Brains.

End scene.

Two Days Later
ABC News Room
George Snuffleupugus’s Office

The intercom speaks.

Intercom: Mr S., Disney is on line 2.

George S. (GS): Okay Janey, I’ll take it in here.

Picking up the phone.

(GS): Snuffleupugus here. Who’s calling.

(WD): It’s Disney.

(GS): Yes I know you’re from Disney. But who is this?

(WD): It’s Walt Disney, you shrimpy twerp!

(GS): That’s impossible! Walt Disney’s been dead for forty years.

(WD): Yes, but any idiot knows I had my body cryogenically preserved. And now that the technology has advanced enough I’ve been revived. What did you think was going on at Epcot Center all these years? Flying car research? Now stop yammering and listen!

(GS): Uh, but you don’t pay my salary do you?

(WD): Not if you keep yapping like this I won’t. Now listen. Trump’s been on hiatus for only two days and already the whole news business is drying up and blowing away. Without his tweets and his quotes on Hannity nobody’s watching anything. Google had to shut down two whole server farms the size of Iowa. MSNBC had to be re-purposed as a home shopping channel for cat video collectors. And the New York Times has become a sex chat site. Maureen Dowd has become a very popular dominatrix turning tricks for most of the conservative punditry. Things cannot go on like this any longer. If you boobs can’t get him back on the job of mocking you and the Clintons we’re gonna have to euthanize the whole news department.

(GS): You’re gonna shut us down?

(WD): No, the severance packages would be too expensive. I’m gonna send my grandson Dave down there with a tanker truck of chloroform and flood the ventilation system and declare it a tragic accident.

(GS): You can’t do that!

(WD): Well then, screw this up and I guess we’ll find out won’t we? Disney out!

Snuffleupugus hangs up the phone and buries his face in his hands. After several minutes he straightens up and calls over the intercom.

(GS): Janey, get me the big dog.

Janey: Goofey?

(GS): No you dizzy bitch, Bubba, former President Bill Clinton.

Janey: Yes sir.

After several minutes.

Janey: Mr S., he’s on line 3.

(GS): Thank you Janey.

He picks up the phone.

(GS): Hello Mr. President. Sorry to disturb you so suddenly.

Bill Clinton (BC): George you little pissant, why are you disturbing me during my very private relaxation time. I was very close to complete relaxation. This had better be important.

(GS): Yes, Mr. President it’s extremely urgent.

(BC): Yeah, what’s that?

(GS): Donald Trump is on break from the election.

(BC): So? Who, gives a crap about that?

(GS): Well, take a look at the present price of Google on the NYSE.

(BC): Well I’ll be a ring-necked lewinsky! I’ll be ruined. I’ll have to go back to shaking down trailer park floozies. Snuffleupugus. We have to fix this.

(GS): Well, that’s why I called you. You’re the greatest con artist of the last century. Surely you can relate to the greatest con artist of this century. How can we get him back on the job?

(BC): All right, all right, don’t rattle me! Give me a second here. Okay, I know, I’ll call him up. Big dawg to big dawg. I’ll cut him a deal he can’t refuse.

(GS): “Can’t refuse?” You’re gonna threaten him?

(BC): No you half-wit. I’m not Don Corleone. I’m gonna give him something he wants.

(GS): But what could Donald Trump want?

(BC): Hillary.

(GS): Uh, Mr. President. How can I put this diplomatically? Have you seen Hillary and Melania side by side?

(BC): No you cretin. He doesn’t want to hump her. He wants her head on a platter. I’m gonna throw the election to him in exchange for his return.

(GS): But you wouldn’t do that. That would be disloyal.

(BC): Oh man. Where did we find you anyway? In the cabbage patch? Look this isn’t just about the presidency it’s about something really important, my money. Hillary will just have to take one for the team. Anyway, she’s kinda used to that.

(GS): Goodbye Mr. President.

End scene.

Scene: Trump Penthouse.

Early Afternoon

Donald Trump is dressed in a costume that sort of resembles one of the Three Musketeers except that he’s also wearing a Phantom of the Opera style mask. He’s singing along and dancing around to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and playing the air guitar.

(DT): Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)

(His cell phone rings to the tune of the Jetsons theme.)

Awww crap. Something always ruins the best part of the song. Trump here. This had better be good. I was just closing a deal worth billions of dollars.

(BC): Well, I feel you pain. I surely do. But this is hot stuff that can’t wait.

(DT): Clinton? What the hell do you want?

(BC): Now hold on. This is strictly a business proposition. No politics, no tricks. I want to sell you something you want.

(DT): What?

(BC): The election.

(DT): Why would you sell me the election?

(BC): Because I’m loosing cash.

(DT): Oh, the Google thing?

(BC): Exactly.

(DT): Okay spell it out.

(BC): I give you the Vince Foster deal, the Rose Law Firm caper, the $100,000 futures scam and the Benghazi details and that will make sure that my Google calls are in the money for at least the next couple of weeks.

(DT): You’re gonna go on tape with all those details? Hillary will just deny it all.

(BC): Of course she would. That’s why she’s gonna say them herself.

(DT): Why would she do that?

(BC): Because I’ve got her doped to the gills with sodium pentothal and in the trunk of my car. We take her to Snuffleupugus’s studio and do a little interview. Two hours later you’re as good as president and I’m on the next plane to Epstein’s little resort for a permanent vacation.

(DT): Well Melania is gonna be disappointed by this interruption but I’ll make it up to her in January. I’ll name a monument after her.

(BC): All right then it’s settled. I’ll head there now. But I can’t wait around for you there so this is goodbye. Enjoy the White House. And if you check the bottom right hand draw of the desk in the Oval Office there’s a secret compartment. Some of my favorites should still be there. Barry won’t have found them. No imagination. I know you’ll like them. Just make sure Melania doesn’t find them. Bubba out.