Scene: The Trump Penthouse Apartment
Melania Trump (MT): Good morning, Shmoopie. Would you like bacon and eggs, or pancakes, or an omelet, or French Toast for breakfast?
Donald Trump (DT): Yes, Shmoopie.
(MP): Yes, but which one?
(DT): All of them, of course, Shmoopie.
(MP): No, you’re shmoopie!
(DT): No, you’re shmoopie!
(MP): Shmoopie, I’m so bored of talking to all of those ugly, smelly people. You know, George Snuffleupugus, and Jake Zappa and Megyn Belly. I hate them all. And I hate that you have to be away so much. Haven’t you won the president yet?
(DT): But shmoopie, I just won the nomination and now I have to go to the convention and give a speech and then do the debates and then win the election in November.
(MT): November! I can’t do this for another six months straight. Shmoopie! You need to take a week off and pay attention to me!
(DT): But shmoopie, Hillary isn’t taking a week off. What if I fall behind during the break.
(MT): Don’t be silly. It’s the summer. Everyone expects reruns in the summer. Just tell them to watch The Apprentice for the next week.
(DT): Shmoopie, that’s brilliant. That’s what I’ll do.
(MT): Of course, shmoopie, after all, you did marry me for my brains.
(DT): Uh, yeah, sure. Brains.
Two Days Later
ABC News Room
George Snuffleupugus’s Office
The intercom speaks.
Intercom: Mr S., Disney is on line 2.
George S. (GS): Okay Janey, I’ll take it in here.
Picking up the phone.
(GS): Snuffleupugus here. Who’s calling.
(WD): It’s Disney.
(GS): Yes I know you’re from Disney. But who is this?
(WD): It’s Walt Disney, you shrimpy twerp!
(GS): That’s impossible! Walt Disney’s been dead for forty years.
(WD): Yes, but any idiot knows I had my body cryogenically preserved. And now that the technology has advanced enough I’ve been revived. What did you think was going on at Epcot Center all these years? Flying car research? Now stop yammering and listen!
(GS): Uh, but you don’t pay my salary do you?
(WD): Not if you keep yapping like this I won’t. Now listen. Trump’s been on hiatus for only two days and already the whole news business is drying up and blowing away. Without his tweets and his quotes on Hannity nobody’s watching anything. Google had to shut down two whole server farms the size of Iowa. MSNBC had to be re-purposed as a home shopping channel for cat video collectors. And the New York Times has become a sex chat site. Maureen Dowd has become a very popular dominatrix turning tricks for most of the conservative punditry. Things cannot go on like this any longer. If you boobs can’t get him back on the job of mocking you and the Clintons we’re gonna have to euthanize the whole news department.
(GS): You’re gonna shut us down?
(WD): No, the severance packages would be too expensive. I’m gonna send my grandson Dave down there with a tanker truck of chloroform and flood the ventilation system and declare it a tragic accident.
(GS): You can’t do that!
(WD): Well then, screw this up and I guess we’ll find out won’t we? Disney out!
Snuffleupugus hangs up the phone and buries his face in his hands. After several minutes he straightens up and calls over the intercom.
(GS): Janey, get me the big dog.
(GS): No you dizzy bitch, Bubba, former President Bill Clinton.
Janey: Yes sir.
After several minutes.
Janey: Mr S., he’s on line 3.
(GS): Thank you Janey.
He picks up the phone.
(GS): Hello Mr. President. Sorry to disturb you so suddenly.
Bill Clinton (BC): George you little pissant, why are you disturbing me during my very private relaxation time. I was very close to complete relaxation. This had better be important.
(GS): Yes, Mr. President it’s extremely urgent.
(BC): Yeah, what’s that?
(GS): Donald Trump is on break from the election.
(BC): So? Who, gives a crap about that?
(GS): Well, take a look at the present price of Google on the NYSE.
(BC): Well I’ll be a ring-necked lewinsky! I’ll be ruined. I’ll have to go back to shaking down trailer park floozies. Snuffleupugus. We have to fix this.
(GS): Well, that’s why I called you. You’re the greatest con artist of the last century. Surely you can relate to the greatest con artist of this century. How can we get him back on the job?
(BC): All right, all right, don’t rattle me! Give me a second here. Okay, I know, I’ll call him up. Big dawg to big dawg. I’ll cut him a deal he can’t refuse.
(GS): “Can’t refuse?” You’re gonna threaten him?
(BC): No you half-wit. I’m not Don Corleone. I’m gonna give him something he wants.
(GS): But what could Donald Trump want?
(GS): Uh, Mr. President. How can I put this diplomatically? Have you seen Hillary and Melania side by side?
(BC): No you cretin. He doesn’t want to hump her. He wants her head on a platter. I’m gonna throw the election to him in exchange for his return.
(GS): But you wouldn’t do that. That would be disloyal.
(BC): Oh man. Where did we find you anyway? In the cabbage patch? Look this isn’t just about the presidency it’s about something really important, my money. Hillary will just have to take one for the team. Anyway, she’s kinda used to that.
(GS): Goodbye Mr. President.
Scene: Trump Penthouse.
Donald Trump is dressed in a costume that sort of resembles one of the Three Musketeers except that he’s also wearing a Phantom of the Opera style mask. He’s singing along and dancing around to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and playing the air guitar.
(DT): Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)
(His cell phone rings to the tune of the Jetsons theme.)
Awww crap. Something always ruins the best part of the song. Trump here. This had better be good. I was just closing a deal worth billions of dollars.
(BC): Well, I feel you pain. I surely do. But this is hot stuff that can’t wait.
(DT): Clinton? What the hell do you want?
(BC): Now hold on. This is strictly a business proposition. No politics, no tricks. I want to sell you something you want.
(BC): The election.
(DT): Why would you sell me the election?
(BC): Because I’m loosing cash.
(DT): Oh, the Google thing?
(DT): Okay spell it out.
(BC): I give you the Vince Foster deal, the Rose Law Firm caper, the $100,000 futures scam and the Benghazi details and that will make sure that my Google calls are in the money for at least the next couple of weeks.
(DT): You’re gonna go on tape with all those details? Hillary will just deny it all.
(BC): Of course she would. That’s why she’s gonna say them herself.
(DT): Why would she do that?
(BC): Because I’ve got her doped to the gills with sodium pentothal and in the trunk of my car. We take her to Snuffleupugus’s studio and do a little interview. Two hours later you’re as good as president and I’m on the next plane to Epstein’s little resort for a permanent vacation.
(DT): Well Melania is gonna be disappointed by this interruption but I’ll make it up to her in January. I’ll name a monument after her.
(BC): All right then it’s settled. I’ll head there now. But I can’t wait around for you there so this is goodbye. Enjoy the White House. And if you check the bottom right hand draw of the desk in the Oval Office there’s a secret compartment. Some of my favorites should still be there. Barry won’t have found them. No imagination. I know you’ll like them. Just make sure Melania doesn’t find them. Bubba out.