“The Bank Job” is a 2008 British heist film that allegedly reveals the true circumstances behind an actual British bank robbery that happened in 1971 in London. Whether it is mostly accurate about MI5’s involvement in the motive for the robbery is up for speculation.
It stars Jason Statham as Terry Leather the ringleader of the heist and he is likely to be the only actor whom an American viewer is at all likely to recognize. Although I read somewhere that Mick Jagger had a tiny uncredited part. But I never saw him on screen.
The plot has MI5 trying to figure out how to steal naked photos of royal family member Princess Margaret from the bank safety deposit box of a black nationalist revolutionary named Michael X who is using them as leverage to keep the British government from arresting and prosecuting him on various illegal activities.
The spies arrest a girl named Martine Love on drug charges and get her to agree to persuade her friend Terry Leather to use his contacts to rob the safe deposit boxes while the alarm system is conveniently down for repairs. Terry agrees to run the job because his auto sales business is failing miserably and because the set-up seems simple and fool-proof. He gathers his crew which include friends with various skills (most notably a fellow adept at using a “thermal lance” to cut through reinforced concrete. The plan is to rent a store forty feet from the bank and over the weekend tunnel under the vault and cut their way through the floor.
But in many respects, the amateurish skills of the team cause the robbery to go off track. A ham radio operator overhears their lookout man on the roof talking to the team on a walkie-talkie about the robbery in very explicit terms and he calls the police in. A search across London is initiated to find which bank is being robbed and the gang has to bail before they can finish emptying all the boxes. And worse, underworld figures who also used the safety deposit boxes to store records that can incriminate them, their powerful clients and crooked cops, begin the task of tracking down the robbers. And they succeed. One of the robbers is caught, tortured, forced to turn in his partners and then murdered. Three others are found and two murdered. One is held to blackmail Terry into handing over the records.
But when Terry finds out about the photos of Princess Margaret, he comes up with a plan to exchange the photos for immunity and new identities to allow them to escape the police and the underworld killers and keep the heist money. Royal family member Lord Mountbatten acts as the intermediary between Terry and MI5 and trades the photos for the immunity. And using the records that the underworld figures want back, Terry is able to use the police to rescue his associate and arrest the men who are hunting his crew.
Okay, so we really don’t know how much of all this is true. But the important question is whether it makes a good movie. I’ll say yes. Jason Statham is a reliably entertaining actor and he provides the likeable character needed to give the audience someone to root for. He’s got the working class persona with the wife and kids at home providing the pathos that the other characters don’t possess and he does get to beat up some bad guys which is his forte. Regardless of whether the story is completely accurate the movie is entertaining and if you like heist movies I think you’ll enjoy it.
“The Gentlemen” is an English crime drama/comedy directed by Guy Ritchie with a cast of thousands that includes three actors that Americans would recognize; Matthew McConaughey as Mickey Pearson a drug kingpin, Colin Farrell as “The Coach” and Hugh Grant as Fletcher.
This movie has a plot that is as convoluted as one of those mazes they put on the back of kid’s menus at a fast-food restaurant. I won’t even attempt to provide a complete summary of the story line. Suffice it to say that the action revolves around Fletcher attempting to blackmail Mickey over a series of catastrophic setbacks in an upcoming sale of Mickey’s enormous drug operation to one of his rivals. The deal sets in motion a Rube Goldbergian chain reaction of thefts, murders, accidental deaths and just plain criminal idiocy that easily fills out the movie’s 113-minute run time.
If I wanted to compare it to a more well-known American film in the same genre I’d point to Pulp Fiction. I think the most entertaining aspect of the movie is Colin Farrell’s performance as “The Coach.” He’s a working-class Brit who trains street kids to be boxers. His dialect is close to impenetrable to American ears but he is genuinely a hoot during the relatively short amount of screen time he gets.
Alright, so is this movie any good? Yeah, it’s pretty good. It’s not great but it’s entertaining. It has a little bit of trouble trying to decide if it’s a crime film or a comedy so it ends up somewhere in the middle. And like Pulp Fiction, the whole thing is way over the top. It’s probably a little overly complicated and the ending is somewhat bizarre but I would give it a solid B rating. But I will say that British movies are a little bit of an acquired taste for some Americans. So, your milage may vary.
I’m cheating here. I really don’t have some authoritative answer but I’m interested in opinions. I mean I have my own but I’d like to hear from you readers. I guess I’m trying to separate what people want to see filmed from what they think would film best. For instance, someone might love the book Stranger in a Strange Land but think that it wouldn’t translate to the screen at all. And conversely you might not care for a book but recognize that it would make an amazing visual spectacle. So that’s the challenge. What you pick could be your favorite sf book but only if you think that it would be a terrific movie.
So, to be fair I’ll have to pick a book and tell why the movie version would be phenomenal. Hmmmm.
Alright, so I’ll pick a controversial book; Heinlein’s “Starship Troopers.” And I’ll say why. I’m basing my opinion on the 1997 film directed by Paul Verhoeven. Verhoeven made the movie to be an ironic send-up of what he considered a fascist state. So, he was mocking the military that makes up the whole story. And yet, despite this hostile take on Heinlein’s book, the film is a staggeringly vivid visual spectacle. The vistas of battle on planet and in space are remarkable even though this movie used CGI effects that are several decades out of date. So, I try to imagine what could be done if someone who liked the story and the world it envisions wrote and directed it. I think it could be amazing.
Now let me add that I don’t think this would happen in a million years. Woke Hollywood has no interest in a pro-military sf war movie. Ever since Vietnam they’ve made more than ten anti-war movies for every pro-military one. But since I’m not asking, “what’s the movie most likely to be made,” I feel I can select the story that I favor regardless of its chances of actually appearing on the screen. I think of the visual showing Buenos Aires being obliterated from space by the Bugs and I think of what the emotional impact of that scene would be. And if the Rico character were presented as intended, I think it would be a sympathetic one for the male portion of the audience. Of course, the jury is still out on whether I would keep the communal male/female shower facilities that Verhoeven introduced into his film. It has its advantages and disadvantages as a cinematic device. But I would demand that the movie stay as close to Heinlein’s book as possible.
So come on everybody, pick the story that is perfect for the big screen and give your reasons why you think so. And I won’t restrict this by the book’s age. It could be Frankenstein, War of the Worlds or anything else. Even if it’s already been filmed several times, say why a new version would work. But for pity’s sake don’t give me a woke book. My stomach isn’t as strong as it used to be.
Replies:
Ed Brault:
Boy, this is a tough one. There are several I could choose from.
Larry Niven’s “A Gift from Earth” Set on a distant colony planet, it has action, suspense, political upheaval, and a rather unique social commentary on the impact of genetic engineering. The visuals would be well within CGI and other technical effects tech that has been around since Stargate SG-1.
Another would be “The Long ARM of Gil Hamilton. Crime and mystery in a not-too-distant future. Telepathy, psi powers, black market organ transplants, and a unique form of addiction that may not be that far off. All done in an almost-contemporary setting, just add automated flying cars, and a society so desperate for life-extending transplant material, they make almost any crime Capital, even False Advertising, sending the perp to the Organ Banks. Three short stories that put a creative spin on murder. The capper is the Jigsaw Girl, set on the Moon, with murder, attempted murder, conspiracy, clones, and interplanetary politics.
“The Children’s Hour”, set on the Wunderland colony on a planet of Alpha Centauri. Conquered by the felinoid race, the Kzinti, and it is used as a staging base for the planned conquest of Earth. Three invasion fleets have been beaten off, but a new Governor has brought a new philosophy of war. Instead of “Scream and Leap” he advocates careful study of the enemy, how he thinks, and how “inferior” technologies may be used in VERY sophisticated ways against a more advanced force. Earth’s GHQ wants him dead, and a special team is sent to get him, by a very fiendish, complex method, all set in a background very reminiscent of “Casablanca”.
Chemist:
We agree on Starship Troopers. I think it could be redone with more attention to Rico and his development – especially his reconciliation with his dad. Another Heinlein – Puppet Masters. I know. Been done. I think it could have been done better. It already has a very strong female character without being woke. Robert set Puppet Masters up for a sequel but never wrote it. I’d like to see a sequel where the humans take the war to Titan. I think a focus on the man / dog teams would be excellent. And we know how Hollywood loves sequels – here are two movies just waiting to be made.
Now if you want to make a serious romp movie – any of Harry Harrison’s “Stainless Steel Rat” books would do. If I were writing it, I’d lean into the anti-government aspect. I think it would play well today.
Tregonsee:
Well I would like to see Starship Troopers done correctly. I imagine RAH is still revolving in his grave or haunting Mr. Verhoeven over the 1997 travesty. I think The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress MIGHT work. I’ve always thought the first of Zelazny’s Amber Series Nine Princes in Amber might make a nice movie, or better an 8-10 1hr show series (with other Amber Books to follow if it works). Larry Niven’s Ringworld or Protector might work, although Ringworld will have to be edited lest it skate into deep R or NR rated territory. For romps I favor Connie Willis’ To Say Nothing Of The Dog it is eminently filmable, though again a series might work better. The time travel nonsense is just absolutely beautiful and hilarious; there is a romance (or three), and we rescue an extinct species (spoilers 🙂 ) of great interest. And last but not least, the first couple of the Honor Harrington series might be fun, In particular On Basilisk Station and Honor of The Queen . I’d love to see it get to Field of Dishonor but that’s 5 books in and because of prolong our heroine does not age, but whatever star we choose to play her will age.
Oh and of course given my handle I am for a version of E.E. Smith’s Galactic Patrol. Though I fear modern Hollywood would mangle it more than Mr Verhoeven did Starship Troopers. Many of its features (in particular Lenses being MALE only with one special exception) would not sell in the modern world.
A big issue is that a 2-2.5 hour movie requires 200-250 pages of script. a 150 page book EASILY fills that amount of script, but modern Novels run 300-450 pages (And I’m Not even talking to You Mr. Sanderson…). the series/miniseries model doesn’t make as much cash as a successful movie, so it can’t fund as many physical effects (which still are needed for convincing SciFi c.f. Hail Mary Project ). Hollywood has been leery of NEW SciFi with the soft returns on several Star Wars sequels (doesn’t help they were really weak) and the catastrophe that was John Carter, which I thought was a fairly decent rendering of the Barsoom series start (it essentially being A Princess Of Mars reworked a bit). Maybe Hail Mary Projects‘ success will disabuse them of their SciFi fears, at least until they screw some other pooch big time…
TomD:
Every SF book that I’d like to see as cinema combines the elements of imagination, extrapolation, character development and world building. Problem being that doing all that implies a movie too long and convoluted to be doable or effective.
The book that I’d most like to see is Robert Silverberg’s “Lord Valentines Castle” but it would take a Tolkien Trilogy’s worth of effort to do and quite unlikely.
Tregonsee replied to TomD:
Tom D said
“Every SF book that I’d like to see as cinema combines the elements of imagination, extrapolation, character development and world building.”
I think that is true of a great deal of SciFi/Fantasy. For a film or even a series, we like to have a character or two to focus on, both because star power helps sell films and because with a cast of thousands, filming costs go up and engagement goes down. For many years, The Lord of the Rings and Dune were thought unfilmable. Lynch’s Dune and Bakshi’s LOTR nearly proved that true. I Think Peter Jackson did exceptionally well with LOTR and Denis Villeneuve has done well (albeit mangling the timeline a bit and gender swapping a character unnecessarily) with Dune. It helps to have a producer/director/writer that loves and understands the material.
I don’t remember enough of Lord Valentines Castle to be able to comment on it reasonably, but I think you are correct it probably is to obscure and would perhaps feel derivative of other scifi/fantasy. I wonder if we don’t have two separate classes here: films we’d like to see made and films that could be filmed. The latter class has grown with Computer Special effects reducing costs and making some things possible (e.g. an anatomically correct Puppeteer or Kzin is impossible without modern special effects). I wonder how large the Venn diagram of the overlap of those two classes is. And of course there is a third class, interesting to the general public. without being in that class the chance to break even on production costs goes WAY down.
“It! The Terror from Beyond Space” (ITTFBS) is one of those marvelous science fiction movies that are so awful that they can be enjoyed entirely for the camp value. It’s really hard to overstate how cheesy the movie is. And unless you’re a connoisseur of B movie bit players you’ve never heard of the cast. Now, you’ll probably recognize several of them from old tv shows of the time period like “Superman” and “The Twilight Zone” but none of them were movie stars. But they do gamely soldier on with the plot and dialog, such as they are. But when the set is a “space ship” that looks like one room in an industrial building and the “monster” is a guy in a rubber suit you can only do so much.
I won’t warn you about spoilers because you can’t spoil this movie. The dopiness of the “science” defies any concern over spoiling the resolution of the dilemma. It has something to do with the monster having very large lungs from living on Mars and therefore emptying the ship of air will kill the monster faster than if he had smaller lungs! But none of that should be held against this movie. If you watch this movie, you embrace the dopiness.
The plot is basically that the first manned mission to Mars is attacked by a monster that kills eight out of the nine astronauts. A rescue mission is sent to bring back the survivor who is believed to have murdered his shipmates. Of course, the monster stows away by walking into an unlocked entrance and then begins picking off the rescue crew. Once the crew figures out that the survivor was telling the truth about the monster, he seems to become their leader and they combine forces to kill the really hokey looking monster. They try guns, hand grenades, “gas bombs,” electricity and even radiation from their engine. But no soap. Finally, when the monster breaks through the last bulkhead protecting the handful of survivors, they empty the cabin air into space and the monster dies quite dramatically.
So, what makes this movie so special that I don’t pan it. Maybe it’s the two women in the rescue crew. They appear to be nurses who have been sent along to treat victims of the first Mars expedition. They spend most of their scenes holding hands with various crew members and looking soulfully into their eyes while asking them whether the monster is going to eat them all or not. And that’s another great thing about this movie. The monster kills its victims by removing all oxygen and water from their bodies. But since he likes to snack all day long, he drags them around while he’s feeding on them. Then there’s the crew’s space suits. They look like they’re made of wool. And finally, there’s the view of space from the ship. In addition to stars, there are what must be meteors flying by. They look like a few Fourth of July sparklers tied together and pulled along on a string.
So, all in all this is a terrible sci-fi movie by any standard. But for the connoisseur of this sub-genre, it’s a treat. ITTFBS is highly recommended schlock.
Zodiac is a crime thriller released in 2007. It was directed by David Fincher and based on the book of the same name by Robert Graysmith. It is a fairly accurate portrayal of the actual Zodiac murders in the late 1960s to early 1970s in Northern California. At least five people were attacked by the Zodiac killer in three separate events and several other crimes were also attributed to him. And the taunting letters that the murderer sent to the newspapers had the residents of the city and suburbs of San Francisco in a panic about the safety of their school age children on account of his threats to target a school bus.
The bulk of the movie is the story of reporters and detectives working on the case following up on the evidence and sifting through the suspects. The cast is headed up by such notables as Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey Jr. But even the minor parts are ably performed with special notice for John Carroll Lynch as Arthur Leigh Allen who was the primary suspect and probably has the highlight scene during his police interrogation.
The murder scenes are brutal and creepy in the extreme and the whole film has a dismal sense of foreboding about it that reinforces the sense of dread that the populace felt during the Zodiac’s reign of terror. The investigation into the killings never succeeded in an indictment even though the circumstantial evidence was pretty convincing. And the protracted length of the search is portrayed as having destroyed the careers of the two reporters working on the story and also negatively impacted the SFPD team that was involved. And eventually that is the focus of the movie.
And now my recommendation. I thought this movie was highly entertaining. The director succeeds in maintaining a claustrophobic atmosphere around the investigators while believably showing us where the blunders and problems hampered the search for the killer. We can see how law enforcement back in the 1970s is hampered by a lack of coordination between jurisdictions and what we would consider primitive forensic methods.
Eventually one of newspaper investigators devoted years of his life (and the destruction of his marriage) to ferreting out the neglected details that all link back to the same suspect. But all of it was in vain when that suspect died of natural causes before he could be indicted. But it is a fascinating and creepy real life murder mystery that I can highly recommend to folks who like this fare.
I’ve mentioned the movie “Constantine” tangentially while discussing comic book movies and some other topics that occupied me back a few years ago. This 2005 movie stars Keanu Reeves as a Los Angeles based exorcist and general enemy of demonic forces. He’s a sort of angsty noir character who is angry at heaven since he is doomed to hell because he attempted suicide as a teenager over the horror he experienced as a psychic.
The movie follows a “logic” about the rules in place for angels and demons that makes absolutely no sense but allows for the plot devices that move the story along its arc. And much of the action is plodding and mechanical. And yet I find myself watching this turkey (or parts of it) over and over again. Why?
Well, the two aspects of the movie that stand out in my head are two very different things. The first item is the visualization of Hell. You could say this is just a special effects technique but it really is a rich imagining of the underworld. The idea of Hell as our own world but turned into a burned-out husk makes for a vivid background. And then the demons as these mutilated corpses with the tops of their heads sheared off is bizarrely fitting.
But the second item is, I think, the more compelling. It is the representation of Lucifer during his arrival to harvest the soul of Constantine. As promised in the country song, the devil wears a white suit. As played by Peter Stormare, Lucifer is a witty, amiable fellow who enjoys chatting with his old acquaintance Constantine prior to bringing him back to Hell where he claims he has “a whole theme park full of red delights” for Constantine to “enjoy.” He even helps Constantine light his cigarette when the exorcist can’t manage his lighter because of the cut finger tendons incurred when he slit his own wrists in order to summon up Lucifer. Of course, the devil can’t help pulling the flame away two or three times just for fun. It’s this pettiness and banality that adds interest to the part. It’s contrasted with the menace that shows through whenever Lucifer’s plans are challenged either by demon, angel or divine law itself. But it’s the human face of evil that makes Lucifer compelling. His vindictiveness, cruelty and pride show up as the proof that angels, devils and man are all creations of the same maker. We all have the same stamp. We’ve been given free will and we can use it to reach a higher ground or fall off the mountain.
So that’s why I guess I enjoy watching this silly movie (or at least parts of it). Not for the absurd plot or the goofy take on Christian theology as it relates to Hell. I guess I just like to think about Satan being this provincial, bureaucratic apparatchik fighting with humans and God to protect his turf and cause as much mischief as he can. It just seems to fit what I’ve seen of human nature. At least some of it.
Kevin James is best known as the star of the long-running tv comedy series “King of Queens” where he is a modern-day Ralph Kramden working as a delivery driver for a UPS type company. In that role he was a very funny everyman with a sassy wife and with Jerry Stiller as his deranged basement dwelling father-in-law. Suffice it to say I’ve always found Kevin James a talented comedian.
So, Camera Girl came to me awhile ago telling me that Kevin James was in a movie called Solo Mio where he was a groom left at the altar by his runaway bride. I must confess that this didn’t sound particularly hilarious but as a date movie for the two of us as fans of the star it seemed plausible. But we somehow never got to the theater and I soon forgot all about it.
Fast forward to today and Camera Girl was at the local library and by a coincidence they had just gotten a DVD of Solo Mio, so home it came and we made some good coffee and cut into a pie and watched it. Well, what do you know? We enjoyed it.
(Spoiler Alert – Skip down to last paragraph to avoid spoilers and read recommendation)
The plot is goofy. James is an American 4th grade art teacher named Matt Taylor. In the opening scene we see him propose to a fellow teacher named Heather in the classroom and next we find Matt at the altar of a church in Rome where he will marry Heather and celebrate a deluxe honeymoon in Italy. But she leaves him at the altar leaving only her engagement ring and a Dear John letter.
The rest of the film is Matt trying to contact Heather by phone to beg her to reconsider. But because he couldn’t cancel the honeymoon he is travelling around Rome and Tuscany with a group of honeymoon couples visiting romantic Italian locales as a tourist. And it is with this group that he meets Julian and Neil, two new husbands whose brides are very much present but who are neglected while their husbands rally round Matt trying to force him to accept the loss of Heather and move forward with his life.
Their distinctly dysfunctional advice and help manage to make Matt even more miserable but with the help of some locals (including a sympathetic Italian woman named Gia who owns a small restaurant) Matt begins to make sense of his capsized life. Eventually Matt finds a new love (of course) and all is well.
Other than James none of the main actors are well-known (at least to me) but the opera singer Andrea Bocelli has a small part as a fictional version of himself. But this is not a star-driven film. It is a small romantic comedy that manages to bring a smile to your face and even a few small laughs. It isn’t too sappy so as to embarrass a man in the audience but it doesn’t hurt to have your wife or girlfriend there to justify your presence as a man at such a non-conventional film. But I will openly admit that I definitely enjoyed the movie. Recommended for couples and fans of Kevin James.
Interesting thought what would make good Sci-fi/Fantasy Movies. Previously much of sci-fi and fantasy was off limits as the settings (and other races) were unachievable at any price. Movies like the Avengers pictures, Project Hail Mary, Lord of the Rings and the recent Dune show that the capability is there (although at a steep price in some cases.
Some I can think of are:
Lensman series: Start with Galactic Patrol, tweak SOME of the characters (e.g. make C. MacDougall a full blown doctor instead of a nurse). The No Female Lensman will be a hard sell (with one exception) but I think it has to stay. At one point J Michael Straczynski of Babylon 5 fame was looking at this in the early 2010’s but I think the rights expired
Zelanzy’s Amber Series. Nine Princes in Amber starts as a noir pulp mystery and then goes weird. Casting will be hard, the initial movie shouldn’t be too hard/expensive, though, as we move through things, the movie cost goes up. Do it right, and it will be no problem
Heinlein The Moon is A Harsh Mistress, No aliens, mostly indoor shooting, a rogue AI this actually might be a cheap one and done right would be a stunner.
Connie Willis To Say Nothing of the Dog . Again mostly indoor shoots and outdoor in some equivalent to the River Thames River C. 1890. Get all the Victorian costumes from the BBC for a few pence. A comedy, a time travel story, a mystery, rescuing an extinct species, and some romances rolled all into one. It’d make a great date movie. Again, I think casting will be critical, people are going to have to really sell their roles and the number of modern actors who do that well are limited.
Matt Dinniman Dungeon Crawler Carl series: I just ran into this. It is a riot about how Earth and its populace get turned into a reality show of a dungeon. all the fantasy animals will be a bear and having a magically enhanced Persian cat as a main character may present issues, but again, limited sets, and this will draw the male/gamer audience back to the theater (and their Dates may just enjoy themselves in the process)
So, I had some fun re-imagining “THEM!” as a 2026 sci-fi reboot. Alright what’s next? Well, John Carpenter beat me to the punch with “The Thing.” That was a reboot that in many people’s minds outdid the original (“The Thing from Another World”). But a whole bunch of classic sci-fi movies have already been redone (The Day the Earth Stood Still, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Invaders from Mars, War of the Worlds). So maybe we don’t need another reboot.
As I said in my discussion of Weir’s “Project Hail Mary,” what we really need are new movies. Sure, they’re mostly just variations on the million science fiction stories that are already written but even small differences can freshen up old ideas. Instead of any more trash from the Star Wars industry why not give us some pulp? Burroughs or Doc Smith or Howard. Those stories were made to be put on the big screen (or the smaller one in my living room). And I read where they’re working on bringing back Schwarzenegger as an older Conan. That would be perfect. A beat-up old Arnold playing a beat-up old Conan with the right writer and the right director could be the perfect swan song for him and a wonderful treat for us if they abandon all the woke crap and let Conan be the barbarian he’s meant to be.
And if we digress into fantasy, I wish they’d try again to make a movie or a series out of the Dresden Files. Jim Butcher’s series of books are some of the most entertaining and filmable stories in urban fantasy. Of course, I wish they’d start by doing justice to Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter series first. With the combination of interesting characters, vivid monsters and high caliber weaponry they would make a very exciting series of movies. But I suppose instead we’ll get more nonsense like “The Rings of Power.”
But of course, what’s really needed by both the larger movie audience and the film-makers’ bottom line is a cable series based on Jake Barter’s “The Sniper.” The combination of economically but vividly drawn characters and remarkable plotting make this story the most cinematically perfect vehicle for a studio to reap the harvest of multi-billion-dollar profits. Joseph Boghadair is an iconic figure and the many fascinating sub-plots and characters will spawn a whole series of sequels and spin-offs that will explore the multi-faceted world that the author is creating. New technologies and industries are waiting for Paul Connors’ empire to recover from the ravages of war and reap the benefits of the new political situation that Bogey’s “war” has created. And the political changes that will sweep across North America will change life on the whole planet as better ways for humans to cooperate and socialize and organize themselves politically emerge.
I am toying with the idea of including some short stories in this “world” I’ve built and putting those out next as a short-term addition to the saga. That will allow me to push off in several directions at once before I commit to any one story for the next novel. Well, that’s enough for now.
War Pig mentioned the rumor that there is a studio remaking “THEM!.” My reaction is an unqualified, Yeah! But I immediately thought to myself, “Hey wait a minute. This isn’t 1954, it’s 2026! What about the illogic of an insect fifteen feet long weighing thousands of pounds, breathing by passive diffusion of oxygen through spiracles? And how about the other unscalable aspects of its anatomy and physiology like weight and strength of exoskeleton vs. the thick bones found in large land animals like rhinos and elephants.”
Sure, I’m being a spoil sport. If we want giant ants living in the sewers of Los Angles we should get them. And look how timely it would be. Imagine a nighttime forage of giant ants finding it’s way to a homeless encampment just by smell alone. Now, there is the danger that this could be considered cruelty to animals. And most homeless could be considered poisoned bait. After all, if an ant ate one of these denizens of the City of Angels might it not die from a fentanyl overdose? I mean, that’s not really fair, is it? The ant is just doing what millions of years of evolution (plus a century of radioactive fallout) has taught him. It’s not his fault that Mayor Bass and Governor Newsom have put these temptations in his way. To him they’re just appetizers.
So, maybe there should be some hand-waving and exposition to provide an infodump to explain how rapid evolution adapted the giant ants so that they now have an internal skeleton and an efficient circulatory system but somehow have preserved the external appearance of an ant. And here’s where AI can come in handy. In order to have the necessary gravitas to sell the audience on this cockamamie science of giant ant biology we will need Santa Claus. We will need an electronic avatar of Edmund Gwenn to play Dr. Harold Medford. He alone can walk us through super 8 film clips of ants. However, we can recast the part of Dr. Patricia Medford. For this part I would recommend Sydney Sweeney as she possesses unique personal assets which will not lend her scientific gravitas but which will boost the movie’s financial bottom line significantly.
All in all, I think a remake of ‘Them!” could be an enormous hit. I think to make it more topical; it would make sense to recruit Donald Trump to play himself as the President who employs all the massive resources of the US military to combat these deadly and terrifying creatures. Perhaps we can shift the anti-nuclear message of the movie if we show how nuclear weapons can be used for good. Perhaps the outbreak in Los Angeles proves too far advanced and a decision must be made by Trump to nuke LA. It can be stressed that almost all of the human population escapes (maybe only Bass and Newsom are being held hostage by the ants). And so nuclear weapons become not only the cause of the problem but also the solution! Then we can have Santa Claus and the hot chick give that speech where they talk about opening a door into a new world where anything is possible, even giant crickets in the inevitable sequel.