War Pig mentioned the rumor that there is a studio remaking “THEM!.” My reaction is an unqualified, Yeah! But I immediately thought to myself, “Hey wait a minute. This isn’t 1954, it’s 2026! What about the illogic of an insect fifteen feet long weighing thousands of pounds, breathing by passive diffusion of oxygen through spiracles? And how about the other unscalable aspects of its anatomy and physiology like weight and strength of exoskeleton vs. the thick bones found in large land animals like rhinos and elephants.”
Sure, I’m being a spoil sport. If we want giant ants living in the sewers of Los Angles we should get them. And look how timely it would be. Imagine a nighttime forage of giant ants finding it’s way to a homeless encampment just by smell alone. Now, there is the danger that this could be considered cruelty to animals. And most homeless could be considered poisoned bait. After all, if an ant ate one of these denizens of the City of Angels might it not die from a fentanyl overdose? I mean, that’s not really fair, is it? The ant is just doing what millions of years of evolution (plus a century of radioactive fallout) has taught him. It’s not his fault that Mayor Bass and Governor Newsom have put these temptations in his way. To him they’re just appetizers.
So, maybe there should be some hand-waving and exposition to provide an infodump to explain how rapid evolution adapted the giant ants so that they now have an internal skeleton and an efficient circulatory system but somehow have preserved the external appearance of an ant. And here’s where AI can come in handy. In order to have the necessary gravitas to sell the audience on this cockamamie science of giant ant biology we will need Santa Claus. We will need an electronic avatar of Edmund Gwenn to play Dr. Harold Medford. He alone can walk us through super 8 film clips of ants. However, we can recast the part of Dr. Patricia Medford. For this part I would recommend Sydney Sweeney as she possesses unique personal assets which will not lend her scientific gravitas but which will boost the movie’s financial bottom line significantly.
All in all, I think a remake of ‘Them!” could be an enormous hit. I think to make it more topical; it would make sense to recruit Donald Trump to play himself as the President who employs all the massive resources of the US military to combat these deadly and terrifying creatures. Perhaps we can shift the anti-nuclear message of the movie if we show how nuclear weapons can be used for good. Perhaps the outbreak in Los Angeles proves too far advanced and a decision must be made by Trump to nuke LA. It can be stressed that almost all of the human population escapes (maybe only Bass and Newsom are being held hostage by the ants). And so nuclear weapons become not only the cause of the problem but also the solution! Then we can have Santa Claus and the hot chick give that speech where they talk about opening a door into a new world where anything is possible, even giant crickets in the inevitable sequel.