Four score and seven months ago my forefather Dick Cheney shot some old guy in the face. Well actually it was nine score and nine months ago but you see what I’m doing here. So anyway, he shot that old guy in the face with a shot gun because he got in the way of his quail hunt. Can you imagine what he would have done if that old man had been Donald Trump?
Now that I have established the Gettysburg Address connection let me spin out why I’m a lot like Abraham Lincoln. First of all, both of us look better in a beard than without. So that’s big. Next, both of us lost a Congressional race. How crazy is that? If you think about it, you might call the resemblance miraculous, right? And both of us successfully put down an insurrection against the United States government. Well, I don’t know about you but that cinches the whole thing for me.
I plan on buying a stove pipe hat and running in 2024 for president under the slogan, “Government of the Cheneys, by the Cheneys and for the Cheneys shall not perish from the earth.”
Look, let’s face facts. The Democrats will steal every election from now on. You know it, I know it and the American people know it too. If anyone objects, they’ll just toss him in prison and throw away the key. So, if at least you have a few honest patriots like me in government we can retard ever so slightly the speed at which our way of life toboggans off the cliffs of insanity and thereby make the terror imaginable rather than unimaginable. Now that sounds like a deal to me.
So today I highly resolve to dedicate a good chunk of my spare time to running for president. Of course, I won’t win but I fully expect to pull something like fifty million USD into my campaign war chest and that should tide me over until I can figure out who I should shoot in the face.
So, in conclusion thanks to Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff and Merrick Garland for all the hard work setting up the January Sixth Committee. Barking out lies and gross exaggerations has been the most fun I’ve had in Washington since I got here. I finally understand why the Spanish Inquisition was such a big deal. It’s because it was just so much darn fun. Until you’ve seen the terror in the face of some poor schlub who really believed that he had freedom of speech and equal protection under the law, when we rip his life to shreds you haven’t lived.
Thanks to the over three dozen Wyomingites that voted for me. And as for the rest of you that voted for my opponent, I know that Dick Cheney is loading up his shot gun and will personally shoot each and every one of you in the face, even if it takes him the rest of his unnatural life.
Good night, America!