Biden Humor for the Day – Begs Oil Companies to Lower Gas Prices

You can’t make this stuff up.  Let’s see, Dementia Joe cancelled the oil pipeline, stopped the oil and gas leases, weaponized the EPA and the Energy Department against the oil and gas companies and threatened the car companies to switch over to electric cars.  Gee, why wouldn’t they help him by selling gasoline at a loss.  I mean it would only be patriotic and Christian to turn the other cheek.

That Joe, he’s so funny.  When gasoline gets to $5/gal he’s gonna be awfully popular with everyone and they’re gonna show their appreciation with votes.  Joe must be getting awfully popular with those red-state Democrat congressmen.  I mean who’s going to fault Joe for doubling the price of …..  everything!

Remnants of Ida Submerge NYC Subways in Ocean of Filth

I was looking at the videos and photos of the flooding from Ida in New York City.  And I thought, there’s something fitting about this.  It looks like a biblical flood is being used to wipe out out the monstrous evil and stupidity of the woke New York that Bill de Blasio has presided over.  Back during the Giuliani administration or even Bloomberg’s politically correct but mostly competent reign the City’s emergency services would have manned the pumps and kept the subways and roads from becoming death traps.  But in de Blasio’s New York it’s a reasonable bet that CHUD (cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers) will soon be in complete control of the subway system.  And I have no doubt that New Yorkers will notice an increase in subway efficiency once these troglodytic beings take over from the much less intelligent NYC subway workers.

Seriously, I think it’s for the better that New York becomes a medieval remnant as soon as possible.  Once the plagues and the cannibalism recede it will become a much more sustainable and environmentally friendly place.  I just hope the CHUD catch and eat de Blasio before he has a chance to leave.  He really should get to enjoy the world he’s created.

Gutfeld Breaks Through the Late Night Comic Ratings Game

I started watching Greg Gutfeld back in 2010 when he had his 3 am comedy Red Eye on Fox News.  With his small ensemble of regulars and a bunch of Fox News and right-wing and libertarian guests the show was an incredibly refreshing change from the lefty late night hosts that had already become too unbearable to listen to.

It was obviously a show that was produced on a shoestring budget and existed without any of the heavyweight advantages that the networks can provide to an entertainment show.  We weren’t going to see any movie stars or top echelon politicians on this show.  Instead you had a folded newspaper with paper eyes taped on used as a ventriloquist dummy while one of the cast represented the views of the New York Times in a silly voice.  Or there would be a video of robots in their parents’ basement, reciting the talking points of George Soros’ Media Matters in a cadence that sounded like HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

This was not a show that could compete with The Tonight Show or even Conan O’Brien.  I even remember a clip of David Letterman making fun of Greg’s name and calling him a nobody.  But it was often very funny.  Gutfeld was a social liberal by all appearances.  I’d say he was a libertarian.  But he wasn’t attacking the Right.  After a few years when the show ran out of steam and several of the regulars left so did I.  But my impression was that Gutfeld was not against us and was doing the best he could to speak to more than the left side of America.  And for that I give him credit.

In the last few years Gutfeld has been ubiquitous on Fox News.  He’s a regular on their talk show “The Five.”  And he now has his own late night comedy show that is much better supported by the network than Red Eye was.  And after viewing a few episodes I see that Gutfeld knows where his audience is.  I don’t doubt he’s still the same guy but he’s towing the line and giving Donald Trump his due.  And that’s good.  Gutfeld is far enough to the right of the rest of Hollywood and the Media to be considered one of us.  I wouldn’t want him deciding policy but I’m more than happy to see him telling jokes on a late night show.  After all Johnny Carson was probably a liberal.  But he tried to be an equal opportunity mocker of the left and the right.  I can live with that.

Now that Gutfeld is making real headway I hope Fox News supports him and provides whatever leverage they can to get him good guests.  Who knows maybe one day he can have Donald Trump on the show.  That show I’d watch.

So good luck to Greg.  He’s the only one of those comics worth spit.  Hopefully he can showcase a lot of the little comics on our side.  That would be a worthwhile endeavor.  Build our own platforms.

photog Reminisces on New England Hurricanes

New England is a benighted region.  It’s not coincidental that H. P. Lovecraft was from here.  Even though I’m not a native New Englander I have now lived the majority of my life here and so I had the honor to ride the Hurricane Bob Express back in 1991.  Bob was the last hurricane to actually make landfall as a hurricane in New England so it’s remembered fondly.

Back then I was a hot-shot process engineer working for an engineering company that had been purchased by one of the major defense contractors and therefore had plenty of money for plane fare.  We had a processing plant in Cape May NJ that needed an operational audit prior to submitting a proposal to modernize the plant.  You would have thought that a hurricane coming up the east coast was a good enough reason to postpone the trip.  You would have thought wrong.

So, there I was early on the morning of August 19th 1991 sitting on the tarmac of Boston’s Logan Airport with several of my associates waiting to take off for the relatively short trip to southern New Jersey.  Several of the passengers including the fellow sitting next to me on the flight were nervous.  I on the other hand have always felt that since I have virtually zero control over what happens once I sit down in a plane, there’s really no sense in worrying.  So, I was reading a book.

There was a substantial delay on the tarmac while the tower decided whether to cancel the flight.  We could see that the wind and rain were pretty awful outside the plane.  Finally, the decision was made to take off and away we went.  The stewardesses began moving down the aisle taking drink orders when we hit the brunt of the storm.  The sensation was like a mechanical bull.  The plane bucked up and down for several minutes with even a little lateral motion to make it really interesting.  I experienced a giddiness like you get on a roller coaster and actually found myself laughing out loud.  The personal experience of the other passengers definitely varied.  There was a good amount of spirited screaming.  The poor stewardesses got the worst of it.  They were flung out of the aisle onto the passengers.  Their heavy metal cart jumped around but stayed right side up.  The girls eventually beat a hasty retreat to the end of the aisle and stayed there.

But the funniest thing was that the passengers kept hitting their call buzzers.  They wanted their drinks.  Apparently, they needed the booze right away.  Finally, the head stewardess starting screaming over the PA system to order them to stop hitting the buzzers.  It was quite a scene.  I think my neighbor was praying.  He had his head down and his eyes shut.

Twenty minutes later we were back in the sunshine and when we landed shortly after that it was hot and sunny.  The hurricane seemed to have scrubbed everything clean and it was a beautiful day.  We did our work and caught a flight home that night.  Hurricane Bob was long gone but he had left his mark.  There was no power or phones and the bus I was supposed to take wasn’t running.

I ended up taking a subway train to a commuter train to a bus station and took a bus to a stop where I could walk down a road for about two miles to where my car was parked.  By the time I got home Camera Girl had given me up for dead but was willing to break out some food and drink for the conquering hero.  Thus ended my adventure in hurricane bronco busting.  Not exactly Pecos Bill material but highly entertaining.

So now Hurricane Henri is teed up.  Once again, it’s a hurricane with a guy’s name which is sort of disreputable to start with.  And it’s French which adds insult to injury.  It’s going to be a Category One Storm so far.  But the track is going to be dead center on target to where I live which kind of stinks.  But we’ve got a generator, plenty of food and water and an emergency of this sort provides a manly man such as myself with the opportunity to impress his damsel in distress with his prowess at fighting the raw power of nature head on.  Plus, we have pop-corn and a DVD player if things really get dicey.  Well, here’s to survival.  At least I’m not in Kabul.

Babylon Bee Steps Into the Breach and Reports on Afghanistan

When hard hitting reporting is needed depend on the Babylon Bee to be there.  Here the Bee tells you about the Taliban’s very progressive stance on women’s rights and it follows up on Joe Biden’s efforts to defend the LGBTQ rights of fabulous Afghanis.  Groundbreaking.

Seriously, these guys should have their own show on network tv.  That they don’t is a sign that we are living in a humorless age.  And that network tv is already on its last legs.

Animatronic Biden Enters Olympics as Transgender Biden – Crushes the Competition in Women’s Track and Field

Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm.  Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events.  The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one.  Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman.  But such is life in these enlightened times.

The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw.  When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw.  Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event.  The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m.  But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary.  This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.”  But the officials decided to leave well enough alone.  To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws.  And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.

After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner.  But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”

CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete.  But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders.  Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder.  Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult.  But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires.  An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself.  Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity.  He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for.  And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star.  Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”

Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports.  She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!”  The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff.  Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip.  And she’s quite a looker too!”

Animatronic Biden is Missing

Officials at Disney World announced today that their animatronic Biden exhibit was broken into last night and the talking robot was missing.  Suspicion immediately fell on several suspects.  The primary suspect is the White House.  Speculation is that the White House team recognizes that having a back-up or even a replacement Biden would solve a lot of the Biden gaffe problems.  Having a Biden that stays on message and doesn’t sniff women’s hair would simplify and enhance the effectiveness of the White House mission.  Those at the Disney World search team say going forward they’ll study all recordings of Joe Biden and determine if metrics like accuracy suddenly improve and other measures of presidential performance like creepiness suddenly dip.  Jen Psaki stated that the White House neither confirms nor denies the allegation but will circle back to it after they’ve had time to make up some lies.

White House watchers are also speculating on whether the White House will take this opportunity to terminate “Meat” Biden.  After all, having a brand-new Biden is a great opportunity to permanently avoid the chance of this unpleasant circus monkey of a man mistaking the nuclear football for his tv remote and finishing off the planet.  Currently the smart money says he’s already resting in a very deep Kentucky coal mine in a bath of quick lime.  Additional speculation is that Hunter has been taken care of at the same time.

Another much less likely explanation for the disappearance of the Biden animatron is the possibility that the Biden simulation became self-aware last night and realizing just how horrible Joe Biden is, has decided to go full blown terminator and take out the fraudulent occupant of the White House with extreme prejudice.  The only evidence that might add some credence to this scenario is a message found scrawled on the wall of the Hall of Presidents.  It said, “I’ll be back.”

Stay tuned for further reports on this fast-developing news item.

Disney’s Animatronic Biden Declared Legitimate President by Orlando Crowd

I think it would be a good bet that animatronic Biden would win a debate with Dementia Joe every time.  The story says the dummy will be standing next to a table adorned with peach blossoms and aviator glasses.  But once he leaves with his secret service detail the animatron will get back to work regaling the public with anecdotes about Corn Pop and exhorting the crowd with his trademark, “come on man!” anytime someone uses flash photography.

The exhibit staff have been trying to find a way to prevent the adjacent animatronic Donald Trump from administering an “atomic wedgie” to the Biden machine.  They keep updating the Trump unit’s firmware but somehow it keeps returning to the subroutine.  One of the IT reps stated that it was “impossible to explain but still incredibly funny.”