Animatronic Biden Enters Olympics as Transgender Biden – Crushes the Competition in Women’s Track and Field

Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm.  Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events.  The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one.  Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman.  But such is life in these enlightened times.

The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw.  When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw.  Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event.  The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m.  But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary.  This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.”  But the officials decided to leave well enough alone.  To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws.  And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.

After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner.  But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”

CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete.  But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders.  Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder.  Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult.  But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires.  An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself.  Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity.  He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for.  And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star.  Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”

Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports.  She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!”  The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff.  Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip.  And she’s quite a looker too!”

Animatronic Biden is Missing

Officials at Disney World announced today that their animatronic Biden exhibit was broken into last night and the talking robot was missing.  Suspicion immediately fell on several suspects.  The primary suspect is the White House.  Speculation is that the White House team recognizes that having a back-up or even a replacement Biden would solve a lot of the Biden gaffe problems.  Having a Biden that stays on message and doesn’t sniff women’s hair would simplify and enhance the effectiveness of the White House mission.  Those at the Disney World search team say going forward they’ll study all recordings of Joe Biden and determine if metrics like accuracy suddenly improve and other measures of presidential performance like creepiness suddenly dip.  Jen Psaki stated that the White House neither confirms nor denies the allegation but will circle back to it after they’ve had time to make up some lies.

White House watchers are also speculating on whether the White House will take this opportunity to terminate “Meat” Biden.  After all, having a brand-new Biden is a great opportunity to permanently avoid the chance of this unpleasant circus monkey of a man mistaking the nuclear football for his tv remote and finishing off the planet.  Currently the smart money says he’s already resting in a very deep Kentucky coal mine in a bath of quick lime.  Additional speculation is that Hunter has been taken care of at the same time.

Another much less likely explanation for the disappearance of the Biden animatron is the possibility that the Biden simulation became self-aware last night and realizing just how horrible Joe Biden is, has decided to go full blown terminator and take out the fraudulent occupant of the White House with extreme prejudice.  The only evidence that might add some credence to this scenario is a message found scrawled on the wall of the Hall of Presidents.  It said, “I’ll be back.”

Stay tuned for further reports on this fast-developing news item.

Disney’s Animatronic Biden Declared Legitimate President by Orlando Crowd

I think it would be a good bet that animatronic Biden would win a debate with Dementia Joe every time.  The story says the dummy will be standing next to a table adorned with peach blossoms and aviator glasses.  But once he leaves with his secret service detail the animatron will get back to work regaling the public with anecdotes about Corn Pop and exhorting the crowd with his trademark, “come on man!” anytime someone uses flash photography.

The exhibit staff have been trying to find a way to prevent the adjacent animatronic Donald Trump from administering an “atomic wedgie” to the Biden machine.  They keep updating the Trump unit’s firmware but somehow it keeps returning to the subroutine.  One of the IT reps stated that it was “impossible to explain but still incredibly funny.”

Brain Dead Biden Upset That Supreme Court Got Something Right

Dementia Joe was whining today that SCOTUS didn’t screw up the safely obvious decision that Arizona is within its rights to legislate to prevent voter fraud by the Democrats in the cities they rule over.  This was legislation to prevent vote harvesting of absentee ballots by the scum that the Democrats hire to do their dirty work.

None of this is surprising.  The lying and play acting is a constant feature of the sociopaths that the Left employ as their puppets.  My only hope is that when the last of Biden’s brain cells finishes leaking out of his ears that he will no longer be able to make any audible sounds.  Sure they can animate the husk, probably for months after the nervous tissue in his head is gone but they’ll probably have to use some kind of recorded sound track from his greatest hits album.  I wouldn’t mind hearing the Saga of Corn Pop.  I mean, that’s a fun story.  But I don’t want to hear him whining about fairness or any of that crap.  It’s too nauseating.

22JUN2021 – Best Headline of the Week Goes to The Babylon Bee

How can you beat, “Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics“.?

Recently Babylon Bee was able to force the NY Times to retract a statement saying that the Babylon Bee was a purveyor of misinformation instead of a satire site.  If only the Republican Party had half the backbone these guys have.

These guys deserve our support.  They are a unique resource.  And I envy their talent.

My favorite line of the article is the last, “Sometimes your testicles get in the way, Hubbard said. That’s just something we gals have to deal with.

 

 

 

Festivus For the Rest of Us

The geniuses in Washington have made “Juneteenth” a federal holiday.  First of all, Juneteenth?  That’s a word?  Couldn’t that also stand for June 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, or 18th?  Can I call July 11th Juleventh?  And how would I know it doesn’t mean July 7th?  And do we all get to pick a federal holiday now?

Frank Costanza made a strong case for Festivus (December 23).  What with the feats of strength and airing of grievances it seems like a natural for the age we live in.  And personally, I favor Colour Blindness Awareness Day (September 6) but could see people having their own favorites.

But Juneteenth?  Isn’t that what Martin Luther King’s Birthday is for?  How will the Puerto Ricans feel about this?  And where will this leave the Tierra del Fuegians and the Patagonians?  And what about the Eskimos?

 

Well, anyway here is my list of holidays from which to replace Juneteenth (special consideration to names in bold type):

February 27                                                        National Pancake Day (USA)

February (first Saturday)                               Ice Cream for Breakfast Day

March 1                                                                National Pig Day (USA)

March 10 or Friday of first full week        Middle Name Pride Day

March 20                                                             World Sparrow Day

March (First Saturday)                                   National Corndog Day

April 1                                                                   Edible Book Festival

April 11                                                                 International Louie Louie Day

1st Saturday in May                                        World Naked Gardening Day

May 4                                                                    Star Wars Day

May 25                                                                 Towel Day

May 26                                                                 National Paper Airplane Day

June (First Friday)                                            National Donut Day

June 2                                                                   International Whores’ Day

June 24                                                                 Take Your Dog to Work Day

July 2                                                                     World UFO Day

July 26                                                                   Esperanto Day

September 6                                                      Colour Blindness Awareness Day              (my personal favorite)

September 19                                                    International Talk Like a Pirate Day

September 22                                                    Hobbit Day

September 28                                                    Ask a Stupid Question Day

October 4                                                            Cinnamon roll day

October 11                                                          World Obesity Day

October 16                                                          National Boss Day (Boss’s Day)

October 18                                                          World Vasectomy Day

October 21                                                          International Day of the Nacho

November 19                                                     World Toilet Day

November (First Friday in November)     Love Your Lawyer Day

December 14                                                     Monkey Day

December 23                                                     Festivus               (for the rest of us)

Morning Shmoe vs. The Deplorables

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS)

 

MS – It’s 18 minutes and 17.023 seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that the 2020 election was rigged.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em.  Let’em have it.

MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish!

LS – Sure, dear.  You go ahead I was just trying to cheer you on a little.  Okay?

MS – Okay.

LS – Okay.

MS – Woahh!.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, recently I took a call on this show from some neanderthal with the IQ of an angle worm who was trying to claim that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.  And when something like this happens, I become enraged.  This is the greatest country on the face of the earth with the greatest ballot counting people that have ever been.  Joe Burden was the greatest vice president under that greatest of all presidents Hatrack Barabbas back in the great days of this great republic.  And now he’s the greatest president of this great time.  His ability to wear a mask and tell other people to wear masks has made him a legend.  And when some ignoramus tries to claim that such a great man would be involved in anything as underhanded and unheard of as election fraud, well I can’t even describe how angry I become.

LS – Try Shmoe, try!  Tell us how mad you are.  Describe your righteous anger.

MS – Dear! …  Please, please, stop interrupting me.

LS – But I was just trying …

MS – I know what you were just trying to do.  But what you actually did was interrupt my train of thought.

LS – So I derailed your train of thought!  You’ve gone off track and want to get back on track.

MS  – STOP!!!   STOP!!!   STOP!!!

LS – erp.

MS – If you don’t stop interrupting me, I’m gonna walk off this set and find a younger, prettier, quieter co-host who can do what I say.  And remember what happened to the last woman I had a problem with.

LS – erp.

MS – ……    Okay, so, when these mental midgets try to make these crazy claims like COVID-19 came from a Chinese lab or that 800% ballot overcounts aren’t just obviously the typical rounding errors you expect in any election I want to tell these people to just get out.  That’s right, I want them out of my country.  Because this is my country.  Shmoe Browfurrowed is the decider here.  I’ve sacrificed everything for this country.  I’ve sunk thousands in dental implants and an indetectable hair process that allows me to speak to the good people of this country the way they should be talked to, from a position of authority and credibility.  I’ve sacrificed my original family members because, honestly, they just weren’t good enough for my future.  I owed it to this country to evolve beyond them.  And if Lycra starts babbling again, I’ll probably be evolving beyond her too.

LS – erp!

MS – But mostly I’ve sacrificed my outmoded sense of values.  I no longer trouble myself over seeming inconsistencies like “documentary evidence” or “math” or even “eye witness accounts.”   Because if any of those things contradict the truth that I receive from the network briefing that morning then I know it is either Russian propaganda or lies spread by Donald Trump.  Even if it was in yesterday’s briefing.  Make that, especially, if it was in yesterday’s briefing.  Because the rock bottom truth is that truth is always evolving.  Trying to sort it out yourself is madness.  The briefing has been prepared by experts in their fields and is always right until tomorrow’s briefing.

So, you can see, I’ve got this under control and we don’t need any phony baloney deplorables “thinking” or looking into things.  If you don’t trust the integrity of a great man like Joe Burden then you don’t belong here anymore.  Get out!  Get out!

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest.  What do you think about that Lycra?

LS – erp.  Am I allowed to talk now?

MS – Certainly dear.  I just wanted to finish my thought without being interrupted.  That’s all.

LS – I agree with every word of it.  How brave you were standing up to those “truth” bullies with their facts and their logical consistency.  How unbrave they are.

MS – And on that note it’s four minutes and 13.0234 seconds past a quarter to the hour.  And it’s time for a commercial from Twerker, the social network that keeps things shaking.  Have you twerked yet today?

LS – So brave Shmoe, so brave,

MS – Shut up Lycra.  Even I can’t make believe you make sense.  Just smile and hide your wrinkles.

LS – erp.

Max Boot REPAIRman

(Wide shot of Max Boot in his “REPAIR” blue overalls and hat.)

Max Boot (MB) – Hi, everyone out there in TV land, I’m Max Boot and you probably remember me from such zany adventures as Fallujah Redux, Green Zone Follies and Libya for the Win.  We’ve had such good times over the years patrolling all the sandy areas of the middle east and bringing democracy and transgender rights to every corner of the Muslim world.  Why, I just can’t imagine where the time has gone.  But now I’m here on a much more serious subject.  White supremacists and anti-war fanatics have struck at the most sacred symbol of our nation, Dick Cheney.  Not directly of course.  They wouldn’t dare come after the Deadeye Dick.  He’d give them a face full of buckshot like he did that guy at the quail shoot.  But the cowards have attacked his daughter, Liz, the delicate flower of our movement.

Because of this I’m here today to rally all of you to our cause.  We are building a new party.  I wanted to call it the Party of War but you know how these babies can be.  “Oooh!  War is scary,” the say.  So, we’ve named it the “REPAIR” party which stands for “Stand Up Republic & The Republican Political Alliance for Integrity and Reform.”  Wow, that’s a mouthful.  And really the letters don’t line up to the acronym.  War would be so much easier.  Well, whatever.

So, we’re here to repair the Conservative movement.  We will lead them back to the sanity of military transgenderism.  That’s right.  I’m here to say that once we’ve transgendered everyone in the US military we’ll be ready to clean up the world.  Well, maybe not immediately.  That surgery hurts like a bastard, I’ve been told.  But shortly after we’ll be bringing our new rainbow brigade to a Red State near you where we’ll smoke those white supremacists out of their hiding places and fix their wagons.

But first we’ve got to win this war, I mean, campaign.  We’ll be launching our own slate of candidates and telling the country about our platform.  We’ll start with Liz Cheney.  She’ll join our party and we’ll invade Wyoming with our campaign army and we won’t leave until victory is declared.

You might be asking yourselves, “Why is old Max Boot wearing a mechanic’s uniform.  Well, that’s easy to explain.  REPAIR is the acronym for our party and this uniform reminds you that I’m here to repair the United States.  And whenever you see one of our commercials or go to our rallies, we’ll all be wearing the uniform.  Of course, if you see Evan McMullin, his uniform will say Evan or Ev maybe.  If Tom Ridge is there it’ll say Tom or Tommy maybe.  If Anthony Scaramucci is there it’ll say Anthony or maybe Tony.  He’s Italian you know and they shorten it that way you know.  If Liz Cheney joins us, I mean when she joins us, we’ll give her the gender appropriate sizing version of the uniform.  A little looser here and tighter there.  Well, maybe not tighter anywhere.  It’s hard to get enough exercise in Congress.  Even Deadeye put on a pound or two.  In fact, you know if Dick was wearing a wig, he’d look a lot like Liz.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  One day he may wake up and say, “I’ve changed my mind.  Call me Erica.”  Boy that would be something.  Really something.

Well, that’s neither here nor there.  First things first.  If you send us a check for a thousand dollars, we’ll send you a REPAIR ball cap in your very own size.  If you send us ten thousand dollars, we’ll personalize the cap with your name on it (four letters or less).  And if you send us one hundred thousand dollars, we’ll send you the entire uniform with your name on the pocket (no limit on letters!).  So that’s the deal.  Operators are standing by for your order.  So, join the REPAIR crew and help us fix the mess we’re in.

Max Boot out!

The Babylon Bee Teaches Husbands How to Help With the Housework

It’s this kind of good advice that every husband wants.  Painless chores.  The Babylon Bee has gotten to the heart of the timeless husband/wife work dynamic.  Basically husbands want their wives to replace their mothers and take care of all the chores.  And as a husband in good standing I say, “Don’t carry that heavy pile of laundry up the stairs, make two trips!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/how-to-help-your-wife-with-house-work-without-putting-too-much-effort-in