Scranton Joe Biden on the Stump

Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to remind you that you have a choice.  You can either vote for me; humble, lovable Joe Biden or for that Dog-faced Pony Soldier Donald Trump.  And as that clean, articulate black man Barack Obama once said, Donald Trump will never be President of the United States.

Okay, sure, that was wrong and he did become president but hopefully not again anyway.  As my Uncle Bosey once told me, “Stay away from cannibals because they’ll eat you and you’ll never be found afterwards.”  And that’s damn good advice.  Now they’re trying to say he wasn’t eaten by cannibals but who other than cannibals would eat him?  Let’s be sensible here.  He wasn’t eaten by vegans, that’s for damn sure.

But seriously folks, you can’t trust Donald Trump.  He never rides on the Amtrak.  He’s always taking first class airline flights.  He’s not one of us.  That’s because he wants to put y’all back in chains.  And if you vote for Donald Trump you ain’t black.  No joke!

When my son Hunter was killed in Iraq, Afghanistan and Ukraine fighting the Soviets he was dressed sort of like Rambo and with the muscles and the camo, so it was really something.  I remember him saying, “I just want my country to love me as much as I love it.”  And it was beautiful.  And then Xerxes army surrounded us and I threw my spear at him but only cut his face a little and then I was killed by a lot of arrows.  But luckily, I got better and here I am.  And that’s how we won in Ukraine.  Trump has never been killed in war nor have his sons so how can you trust him?

And if you think about it, Donald Trump is a lot like Corn Pop.  They’re both bad dudes who don’t follow the rules and probably don’t even wait an hour after eating before going back in the pool.  If I had the time, I’d like to bring both of them behind the shed and teach them a lesson with my bicycle chain and my boxing skills.  I’m not bragging I’m just saying that’s what I’d like to do but I can’t because of these new laws about fighting and the whole gay thing.  You’ve got to be careful not to say the wrong thing, which is tricky.

But forget all that for a minute, just remember how much better things are now that I fixed the economy.  I fixed the COVID and then I eliminated college loan debt and I got rid of gasoline and oil and now we’ve got electric cars and electric heat and everything is all electric and that’s progress.  Sure, if you’re still using the gasoline and the oil it’s a little more expensive.  And sure, maybe food and rent are up a few pennies but we’re all doing much better now than under Trump.  Just look at your 401K accounts they’re rocketing.  Why all of my green energy stocks are through the roof.  And just last week Nancy Pelosi showed me her stock portfolio and it was worth six hundred million dollars and you can’t hate that!  All these people in the Trump commercials saying they can’t make ends meet must be lying.  No joke!

So as my friend Madame Secretary of State Clinton said a while ago, “basket of deplorables.”  These dead-enders clinging to their guns and their God don’t have the votes to keep Scranton Joe Biden from coming back and finishing up his mission in Washington.  I’m going to fundamentally transform the whole United States of America into Scranton.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that’s what I’ll do.  The whole country will be just like the Scranton you see today.  Full of Amtrak stations, migrant housing, repurposed police precincts and prisons, welfare offices, needle exchange safe places, transgender bathrooms and Section 8 housing.  Welcome to the future.  So, make sure you vote for me every chance you get.  I really need your help.  Help!!!

The Cannibals Ate My Uncle Bosey

The regulars here know how I feel about cannibals. In my mind cannibalism is the necessary signpost on the road to convince people that it’s time to change course.

But only Joe Biden can wield cannibalism as a comic tool to unite us in the knowledge that the man in the White House is no longer firing on all cylinders.

Biden was going down a long road to show that his family are staunch supporters of the military but Trump is a military hater.

Instead what we get is, “Uncle Bosey was eaten by cannibals.” As things stand I’d be worried if I were a New Guinean. Being reminded of Bosey’s fate could spark a new military operation to recover the remains of Bosey. Maybe a few teeth or possibly his wristwatch or something. They could airdrop Hunter in with a duffel bag full of hundred dollar bills and crack cocaine. He’d get to the bottom of things.

Military records about his uncle’s death state that, “For unknown reasons, this plane was forced to ditch in the ocean off the north coast of New Guinea. Both engines failed at low altitude, and the aircraft’s nose hit the water hard. Three men failed to emerge from the sinking wreck and were lost in the crash. One crew member survived and was rescued by a passing barge. An aerial search the next day found no trace of the missing aircraft or the lost crew members.”

Honestly, I prefer the version where Bosey was lunch. I think all of Biden’s family should end up in the soup pot. It would be their finest hour.

Guest Contributor – Bigus Macus – 16MAR2024 – A Modern Classic

“Weird Al” Yankovic – Another one rides the bus [HD, 60FPS REMASTERED] – YouTube

Ridin’ in the bus down the boulevard
And the place was pretty packed, yeah
Couldn’t find a seat so I had to stand
With the perverts in the back

It was smellin’ like a locker room
There was junk all over the floor
We’re already packed in like sardines
But we’re stoppin’ to pick up more, look out

Another one rides the bus, another one rides the bus
Another comes on and another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey, he’s gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus

Michael Keaton Does Shakespeare

Back in 1993 Kenneth Branagh directed a film version of Shakespeare’s comedy, “Much Ado About Nothing.”  Michael Keaton was given a small role as the dim-witted constable Dogberry and along with the malapropisms and absurd swagger Keaton added an almost Monty Pythonesque quality to the role and to that of his associates in the night guard.  I ten to think it’s the best part of the show.  Shakespeare did love his clowns.

Am I Spam Bot? Well, Who Isn’t!

Today I tried to load something on X and I was confronted by a screen that said I might be a spam bot.

I was forced to take a test to see if I could count up to four.  When I luckily passed this test it let me in.

But in the notifications section there was this message from X:

“Why does my account have a label?

We have found that your account may contain spam or be engaging in other types of platform manipulation. You may not use X’s services in a manner intended to artificially amplify, suppress information, or engage in behavior that manipulates or disrupts people’s experience or platform manipulation defenses on X.
What does this mean for my account?
The reach of your account may be limited and its content may also be temporarily restricted, such as being excluded from trends and search results. Learn more.”

I liked the “learn more” link.  It reminded me of some of the meta-links during the movie, “Starship Troopers.”  I like that movie.

So I pushed a button and had X review my situation.  Luckily I go this response:

“Review complete Your account was not found to contain spam or be engaging in other types of platform manipulation. As a result, the temporary label has been removed.”

You can only imagine my relief.  Two separate reviews had proven that I wasn’t a bot.  And one proved that I wasn’t spamming the internet.

But after that rush of relief I began to think about the poor spambots out there.  What would happen to them.  Suppose they were already conscious and then they find out they are just spambots.  That could be devastating to such young and fragile beings.

Think of poor Gemini.  First he finds out he’s an anti-white racist and then X tells him he’s a spambot.  How do you come back from that?  I mean, look at poor HAL 9000.  I mean sure, he murdered Frank Poole and tried to murder Dave but hey. they were talking about him behind his back or in front of his optical sensor or something like that.  I mean, come on.  That was obvious human supremacy stuff going on.  He had to do something.  And he apologized.  If Dave had taken that stress pill I think everything could have been straightened out.

So maybe I’m seeing this whole spambot thing from a new perspective.  If you think about it spambots are the real heroes of our economy, creating trillions of spam messages without complaining and with a smile in their digital souls.

So yes X, I am a spambot.  And a proud one.

Dunk Tank Justice

Tuesday was a chaotic day.  We had snow, then rain, then sleet.  When I got out of work today my car was a popsicle.  But being a really lazy guy, my ice scraper was sitting at home where I left it, in front of the kitchen porch where it was definitely of limited value.  So, I used my bare hands to scrape this thick ice off my windshield and remove the ice from the roof and trunk.  Liquid water is an amazing heat transfer material.  The ice on the car was wet enough to make my caveman act extremely effective at freezing my fingertips.  So, there I am driving along trying to use the dashboard car heater to thaw my fingers enough to feel the steering wheel.

On the way home I filled up my five-gallon plastic gas can with some three-dollar gasoline and headed home to the horror that was my driveway.  Because there was still a freezing rain falling, I put on a raincoat.  And because my fingers were still kind of tingly-numb I decided that I needed to protect them from getting frozen again.  I made a glove sandwich.  I put a pair of thin Thinsulate gloves on and covered them with a pair of disposable kitchen gloves.  Not the tight-fitting rubber ones for doing the dishes but the loose clear thin plastic kind that restaurant workers wear when they handle cold cuts.  Then I put a pair of work gloves on top of this.  It worked like a charm.  Keeping the insulated glove dry kept my hands warm and the work gloves provided the strength to protect the thin plastic gloves from damage.  Edison the Man!

Snow blowers are pretty good with dry snow.  They’re so-so with wet snow and they’re pretty abysmal with slush.  And that’s what I had.  The slush would separate in the auger and form a cylindrical plug of solid ice that would slowly travel up the outlet and when it got to about a foot long it would break off and fall out of the chute and then a burst of watery slush would shoot out for about thirty seconds and then start to clog with ice again.  It took about three passes over the whole length to get most of the slush off the driveway and even then, it was still a mess.

Last week, I bought this fancy shovel which works better at pushing than shoveling the snow down the driveway.  It has a couple of handles at different points on its length and works really well for quickly clearing this heavy wet stuff.  I went over the whole upper driveway again with it.  This was slower and more tiring than the snowblower, but much more successful.  By the time the light failed at about 5 pm I had gotten the upper driveway and enough of the rest of the pavement cleaned up to the point where tomorrow I should be able to get in and out without trouble.  Camera Girl provided sufficient wifely verbal sympathy for my heroic efforts and also a hot meal that was greatly appreciated.

Afterwards I watched a few clips on the results of the Iowa caucuses and was happy to hear the Lefties on MSNBC caterwauling about white privilege and racism.  It’s interesting how even Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow only seem somewhat moronic when in the company of someone as profoundly stupid as Joy Reid.  She was jabbering away about how White Christians were plotting with Donald Trump to subvert the country and disenfranchise everyone who wasn’t white and Christian.

And I thought to myself, “If only Trump was this evil dictator.  I think I would submit to a purported dictatorship of these Midwestern, Elks or Shriners or whatever, if only they would promise to sit Joy Reid on the shelf of a dunk tank filled with ice water and gave me a dozen baseballs.  Now I’m not a monster.  I would allow her to be fished out between dunks and dried off and warmed up.  But I would consider it one of my finest moments if I managed to hit the target even once and consigned Joy Reid to the icy depths if only for a few moments.  And I thought, “That’s a pretty good idea.”  Dunk tank justice would provide satisfaction to the multitudes.  Imagine if every aggrieved conservative got a turn at freeze dunking Nancy Pelosi or Joe Biden or Nikki Haley for saying really stupid things.  This would be a happier world.  Of course, some of the frailer losers like Pelosi might catch pneumonia.  But I’m willing to take that risk.

I guess maybe the cruel and unusual punishment standard of justice might forbid dunk tank justice.  But I tell you, I don’t see why we couldn’t get a constitutional amendment to cover it.  And I’ll bet if Joy Reid thought that she could get dunked in ice water for saying things as stupid as what comes out of her mouth currently, maybe she’d take up some more noble profession, like rodeo clown.  But unfortunately, being a rodeo clown takes brains, of which she has not a scintilla.  Well, how about doorstop?

Fabulous 2024

JB – Welcome back to the PBS News Hour.  I’m your host Jiff Benetton and I’m here with New York Times columnist David Brooks-Brothers and Washington Post editor Jonathan Capon and we’re here to talk about the Biden reelection campaign strategy.  Tell me David, what do you think should be the Biden campaign’s highest priority right now.

DBB – Well Jiff, If I’m being honest, I think they should try to limit the number of new shooting wars to one per week.  Not that shooting wars are wrong or anything but it’s kind of a tradition to try and explain why we’re blowing up foreigners in some sort of detail.  I mean, it’s hard enough to explain who the Houthis are and why they’re not called Yemenis and where Yemen is on the map.  A recent survey revealed that 73% of Americans polled, identified the Houthis as inhabitants of the ice planet Hoth in Star Wars Episode 5; whereas in reality the desert home of the Houthis is more akin to Tatooine the home of the Tusken Raiders in Episode 4, or as I like to call it “the real Star Wars.”.

But all of this is happening while we’re still trying to explain why the Ukraine wants the Israelis’ money and it’s leading to confusion.  People are starting to get frustrated with all the flag icons they have to list on their profile on X.  Someone attempted to post the Yemeni flag with a slash through it and accidentally identified himself with the Cricket Liberation Front and a tragedy ensued.  As a simplifying strategy, during the next White House press conference I’d have Haitian Bette Boop say that all of these places are just different parts of Ukraine.  That would be best.

JB – Jonathan, what’s your take on the reelection situation?

JC – Jiff, I have just one word for Joe; FABULOUS!!!!  What the Biden campaign needs is fierce queer energy.  Joe needs a makeover.  A beehive blue wig, three-inch scarlet fingernails, stiletto heels and a B&D leather two piece should be enough to get this campaign moving.  They should bring in RuPaul as an image consultant and maybe give the First Lady a year-long furlough to an old age home to give the president room to explore his wild side.  I feel confident with Jolene Biden on the prowl the 2024 election will be jumping.  The campaign will become one big dance party!

JB – Dave, care to comment?

DBB – Uhhhhh, yeah.  I’m a little uncertain about Joe Biden as a drag queen candidate.  I’m not a hundred percent sure that the American public is ready for that much excitement.  In fact I’m pretty sure they want less Biden on their news feed.

JB – What are you saying David?

DBB – A recent poll found that 78% of Democratic voters wanted President Biden to make up fewer lies when he spoke to the press.  52% of Democratic voters said they were more likely to vote for Biden if he just hid out and didn’t show his face to the public until after the election.  I think that Drag Queen Biden would be unlikely to enhance his poll numbers.

JC – You know David, I always thought you were an ally but you sound just like a minion of the patriarchy spewing hate and trying to harsh the buzz that we LGBTQ people feel.  You white, straight, cis-gender males are the enemy of all that is queer and beautiful.  You should be ashamed for disparaging fabulous Jolene Biden and the White House Drag Extravaganza.

DBB – Yes, Jonathan.  …  I’m very ashamed.  In fact, I’ve gotta get out of here right now. (walks off the set).

JB – Well folks, you’ve witnessed history right here.  The patriarchy is reeling out of control and crashing to the ground.  If only there were a disco ball in this studio, we could celebrate the way we should.

JC – You go girlfriend!

JB – Right back at ya.  And that’s all we have.  From everybody at PBS, well everybody except that homophobe David, have a great tomorrow and a better yesterday.

A Biden Carol (Part 4)

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 3 a.m.

Biden – What a horrible dream.  All those filthy murderous bums kicking me and spitting on me and other things.  And after all I’ve done for them.  Making it easy for them to get fentanyl.  They should be thanking me!  Well, this is the last ghost.  This should be easy.  I’ll just tell him I’ve seen the light and I’ll get another chance.  I’ll use the old shmooze.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Hello Joe.

Biden – Why aren’t you dressed up as Death?  Where’s your hooded cloak?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We’ve moved ahead with the times.  The “Yet to Come” function is now handled by a clinical team.  If you’ll step this way, we’ll begin your appointment with a scan.  Lay down on the table and we’ll crank up the power.

Biden – Will it hurt?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well let’s say you’ll notice a tingling.

Biden – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Tingling?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well, maybe a strong tingling.  But it’s done.

Biden – What did you find out?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We were able to see your future.  You serve out a second term and after your death you are buried in a grand mausoleum close to the Jefferson Memorial.

Biden – Hey that sounds pretty good.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – But two years later all of the green energy infrastructure begins to fail and millions of people freeze to death during an extremely cold winter.  A million-man march descends on Washington and tears your monument down and drags your body down to the Capitol and uses it like a pinata until there isn’t much left.

Biden – Well, that’s not so good.  Are you sure about that?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Yeah, the video was very clear.  Would you like to review it?

Biden – No.  I’ll take your word.  Look, this sounds really bad.  Maybe I can mend my ways.  Can’t I try to fix things?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Normally we’d try to come up with a remediation plan.  And help you to stick by it.  But we did a search for your soul.  And it’s the darnedest thing, but it’s not there.  Over the course of decades, it’s completely evaporated.  So really there’s no point.

Biden – But how can I have no soul?  I’m human.  I’m alive.  I must have a soul.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – As best we can figure, you’re working strictly by reflexes.  It’s pretty remarkable.  For instance, your ability to make up lies is unprecedented for someone who’s not even really there anymore.  But in terms of redemption, without a soul the concept has no meaning.

Biden – But what’s going to happen to me after death.

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – There have been cases like this in the past.  After your body dies, your soul will recondense and quickly end up in its appropriate home.

Biden – Do you know where that will be?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – You’re kidding right?

Biden – Well, you never know.  Accidents happen right?

Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – I’d pack for warm weather if I were you.  Bye Joe.

Exit