28JAN2023 – Sharing a Joke

A friend sent this joke today:

 

Sometimes, you just need to share a joke….

 

 

FRANKS INJURY
The best story of the year doesn’t give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the lectern .
She said, “I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
“Frank was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Frank”.
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

The Further Adventures of Hard Boiled, Two-Fisted Joe Biden – Episode II – Second Thoughts

Everyone’s favorite Haitian lesbian kewpie doll finishes off her White House press conference with the five hundredth repetition of, “Ask the White House Counsel’s office about the classified documents found in the bucket at the end of the rope in the waters of Chesapeake Bay at the end of the pier next to Hunter’s condo.  We are following a process and it does not include me answering annoying and unnecessary questions.”

As she leaves the podium Jumpin’ Joe Biden shuffles up to the microphone and greets the White House Press Corp with a flash of his bionic choppers and a bubbly “I’ve got this” lack of concern.

When the Fox News reporter attempts to ask the octogenarian denizen of the West Wing about the seventeenth classified document cache discovered that morning, Biden raises his arms as if to fend off the question and starts talking, “Now hold on, hold on.  People have been talking behind my back about how the Deep State is turning against me and wants me to resign.  Well, fat chance.

The American people aren’t interested in these documents.  The documents are classified.  Classified!  That means they’re secret.  Americans aren’t allowed to know what’s in them.  So obviously I’m not going to talk about them.  Good Americans won’t want to know about them.  That’s just common sense.  So that means that those Americans who want to know about these documents are bad Americans.  Bad!  And bad Americans are what we’ve been fighting against since I took office in 2021.

They attacked our democracy on January 6th and thousands of Capitol police officers were slaughtered and millions of IRS agents were killed in the suitcase nuke they unleashed.  Or almost unleashed.  Because I was there to save them.  I threw myself on the suitcase and absorbed the full blast.  This temporarily neutralized my super strength and x-ray vision but later on those powers came back.

And that brings me to what I really want to talk about today.  The Second Amendment.  Or rather the myth of the Second Amendment.  A lot of trouble makers have been telling people that the Constitution includes a right to bear arms.  Well, this seemed very strange to me so I had top men looking into this.  J Edgar Hoover, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, who isn’t a man but could be if she decides she wants to be one.  And they’ve reported back that it’s just not true.  When they went back to the original copy of the Constitution there was an asterisk in invisible ink next to the Second Amendment that can only be seen using Ben Franklin’s bifocals, and that leads to an equally invisible footnote that says, “Amendment deleted due to Consumer Safety concerns and environmental effects of gun powder.”  True story!

So effective immediately we’ll be rounding up all those illegal guns.  And hopefully none of these illegal gun owners will get any funny ideas about resisting.  You know an AR-15 isn’t exactly an F-15.  And a 30-megaton thermonuclear ICBM trumps a protest march six ways from Sunday.  Now I’ve got to run because the local Catholic girls’ middle school is presenting me with a plaque that says “World’s Greatest President” and I’ve heard they all have great shampoo choices there.  True story!”

Biden walks confusedly away from the podium and is intercepted by Dr. Jill who gives him his juice box and leads him toward the Oval Office for his 10 am full body blood replacement and electroshock therapy.  The White House Press Corp stare helplessly at each other and dejectedly update their resumes.

13JAN2023 – This’N’That

It’s been a busy week and that plays havoc with my various schedules.  I’ve of late drawn up a list of things I try to get done at various times of the day and week.  C’est la guerre.  But all in all, things are still moving along.  And my morale is reasonable.  So onward and upward.

I see that Dopey Joe has stepped in it with both feet with this document thing.  Of course, he’ll get the Democrat treatment so there won’t be any consequences but it does make the hypocrisy of what they’re trying to do to Trump even more egregious.  Good.  Hammering home all the corrupt aspects of the banana republic we now live in is probably the only useful function that the GOP and the small independent media can perform.

I spent some time at a Selectman’s Meeting and saw what an actual government is supposed to be working on; trying to find the money to pay for a new piece of fire fighting equipment to replace one that was end-of-life twenty-five years ago or finding money to pay for Emergency Medical Services that we lost through the incompetence of the state we live in.  The people at this meeting weren’t wearing three-piece suits or sipping lattes.  They were in work boots and jeans.  And they looked tired.  They have real jobs but they work in the evenings keeping the town government going even though they’d like to quit.  But then it would be done by really terrible people.  It’s not fun being a red town in a blue state.  Well, I got some inspiration at least.  And I met some good people.  They don’t resemble the mythical First Selectman Cthulhu or the other hapless denizens of Dunwich but I can still use them as inspiration.

I’ll have to think about the Biden humor pieces I started doing yesterday.  It was brought up that’s it’s devilishly difficult to parody a president as awful as Dementia Joe.  His lying is so epic that it’s hard to see how I can outdo it.  And he’s so creepy in real life that even documenting it raises concerns over matters of good taste on a general audience website.  So, I’ll try to ensure that I create a product that is both entertaining and true to the spirit of our “Dear Leader.”  I will admit that I had a bit of fun writing it.  Biden is such a hapless loser when he tries to justify himself that I can’t help but laugh when I mock him.  And there’s so much fodder to work with.  Anywhere you stick a shovel you hit paydirt.  I could probably do a whole post just on his use of the term, malarkey.  So, we’ll see how it goes.

Seeing how annoyed all the lefties were about the outcome in the House of Representatives I have to conclude that the whole thing was a net positive.  Maybe Kevin McCarthy even learned something about dealing with free people.  Now we’ll have to see if any of the changes being instituted make a difference or whether the Republicans just roll over and obey Biden, Schumer and the vested interests who donate to their war chests.  Still, I did think there was value in seeing a little real insurrection in the House.

Well anyway, here’s to the beginning of a good weekend.  And hopefully I’ll have more to show real soon.

The Further Adventures of Hard Boiled, Two-Fisted Joe Biden – Episode I – Bullitt Files

As the hour approached 3pm the reporters in the White House press room grew restive.  They had been waiting two hours for President Biden to appear for his one o’clock briefing on the seventh cache of top-secret documents that had been discovered in one of Joe Biden’s far-flung empire of garages housing vintage sports cars.

When the octogenarian commander in chief appeared he quickly saluted a coat rack that had a blue suit jacket on it and mounted the lectern where his voluminous notes were waiting for him.  After unclenching his porcelain phalanx of state-of-the-art dental implants and shouting out the names of one or two deceased journalists the peripatetic president walked up and down the aisle mingling with the reporters; slapping the back of one misidentified NY Times White House correspondent and sniffing the hair of a middle-aged female Marine officer who had the misfortune to be within range of the sidler in chief.  Finally, he was corralled by his press secretary and two secret service agents and returned to the lectern.

Once he settled down a little and expelled a little gas he looked out over the audience and said, “Well, here I am.  What do you want to know?”

The Fox News White House anchor shouted out, “Mr. President, what kind of car was in this garage?”  Biden shot back, “It was a black 1968 Dodge Charger R/T.  It’s the very car I drove in the motion picture Bullitt back in 1968.  The reporter was taken aback, “Mr. President, you would have been twenty-six years old in 1968.  The man driving that car was in his early fifties.”  Biden flashed his biggest Joker grin and said, “That’s what they wanted you to believe.  I wore one of those latex masks that fit over your whole head.  You have to look at the scene really close to tell it’s me.  That was one of my best roles in Hollywood.”

The stunned talking head shook off his amazement and followed up, “Be that as it may Mr. President, what do you say that this latest trove of documents includes three separate CIA reports on the highly suspicious activities of your son Hunter in Russia, Ukraine and Epstein’s Island?”  Without missing a beat Dementia Joe replied, “Why there’s nothing unusual about those files being found there.  And by the way, it’s almost certain that they were planted there by Russian agents working in lockstep with Vladimir Putin and co-conspirator Donald J. Trump.  It’s like I said to Franklin Delano Roosevelt the time I visited him at the White House in his last term.  “Frank” I said, I always called him Frank, “Frank you can’t be too careful about those Rooskies.  They’re always trying to set up good honest Americans like us.””

The reporter’s mouth was sort of hanging open, “Mr. President, FDR died when you were two years old.”  Nonplussed, Biden shouted back, “That’s what they’d like you to believe.  If you believe everything THEY tell you, y’all will be back in chains, y’all.  The Asian American reporter could only reply weakly, “Y’all?”

But by then Biden was taking his victory lap, “Look it up on Wikipedia, it’s right there in black and white.  Say everybody I think we’ve wasted enough time on this trivia.  I’m late for my 1:30 military briefing on China and I hear we’ll be bombing them tomorrow so I really have to scoot.  But it was good seeing y’all.

 

Udate:

Chemist:

In reply to photog.

Proof! Here is Slow Joe driving a Semi:

Guest Contributor – Ed Brault – 09JAN2023 – On Settling Old Scores

(This was in response for demanding reparations for the cultural appropriation of my ancestors superior concrete recipe – photog)

As a descendant of Slavs, I demand a reparation from your reparations! My ancestors were seized and transported to Rome as slave labor and forced to mix their superior concrete. (I wonder if the formula also included human blood.) I will take my payment in gold aureae, 1000 per captured ancestor and descendants to the Fall of the Empire. If coin is not available, I will accept (unrolls scroll) bullion, jewelry, a reserved parking space, my own Winnebago, a chance to direct, (OOPS, wrong scroll), vineyards, pastureland, and 5000 sheep, and a Rudis, the wooden Sword of Freedom.

 

 

Updating Some Comedy Gold

That friend of mine sent me another link.  This one is old Sanford and Son scenes with Donald Trump and Donald Trump Jr’s heads on the Sanfords’ bodies.  Then there’s Pelosi, the Clintons and even Mitt Romney standing in for some of the other characters.

As Kenny Banya would say. “It’s gold Jerry. gold.” Enjoy.

The Haunted Election

Election Day this year is the night of the full moon and I just saw the first wolfsbane flowers in my yard.

 

Even a man who’s pure of heart

and says his prayers by night

may become a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms

and the moon is full and bright

The damp cool autumnal weather certainly evokes a Halloween mood in my neighborhood.  We have our share of  jack o’lanterns festooning the house and the grandkids are already imagining their trick or treat loot.  But this year even Election Day has an unreal flavor to it.  Outlandish candidates like Fetterman and that creepy old ghoul haunting the White House add an Edgar Allan Poe tinge to even the political page.

Now am I claiming that werewolf John Fetterman will be lopsidedly prowling the woods of Pennsylvania in his stretched out hoodie tearing apart innocent Republican voters in his insane lust to become a United States Senator?  Well, read the poem and do the math yourself!  I’m going to add a little extra garlic to Camera Girl’s sauce this week and hope for the best.

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

Four score and seven months ago my forefather Dick Cheney shot some old guy in the face.  Well actually it was nine score and nine months ago but you see what I’m doing here.  So anyway, he shot that old guy in the face with a shot gun because he got in the way of his quail hunt.  Can you imagine what he would have done if that old man had been Donald Trump?

Now that I have established the Gettysburg Address connection let me spin out why I’m a lot like Abraham Lincoln.  First of all, both of us look better in a beard than without.  So that’s big.  Next, both of us lost a Congressional race.  How crazy is that?  If you think about it, you might call the resemblance miraculous, right?  And both of us successfully put down an insurrection against the United States government.  Well, I don’t know about you but that cinches the whole thing for me.

I plan on buying a stove pipe hat and running in 2024 for president under the slogan, “Government of the Cheneys, by the Cheneys and for the Cheneys shall not perish from the earth.”

Look, let’s face facts.  The Democrats will steal every election from now on.  You know it, I know it and the American people know it too.  If anyone objects, they’ll just toss him in prison and throw away the key.  So, if at least you have a few honest patriots like me in government we can retard ever so slightly the speed at which our way of life toboggans off the cliffs of insanity and thereby make the terror imaginable rather than unimaginable.  Now that sounds like a deal to me.

So today I highly resolve to dedicate a good chunk of my spare time to running for president.  Of course, I won’t win but I fully expect to pull something like fifty million USD into my campaign war chest and that should tide me over until I can figure out who I should shoot in the face.

So, in conclusion thanks to Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff and Merrick Garland for all the hard work setting up the January Sixth Committee.  Barking out lies and gross exaggerations has been the most fun I’ve had in Washington since I got here.  I finally understand why the Spanish Inquisition was such a big deal.  It’s because it was just so much darn fun.  Until you’ve seen the terror in the face of some poor schlub who really believed that he had freedom of speech and equal protection under the law, when we rip his life to shreds you haven’t lived.

Thanks to the over three dozen Wyomingites that voted for me.  And as for the rest of you that voted for my opponent, I know that Dick Cheney is loading up his shot gun and will personally shoot each and every one of you in the face, even if it takes him the rest of his unnatural life.

Good night, America!

I’m Calling Out This Charles Lipson Guy

Back on the 14th of May I wrote a post called “The Five Stages of Grief – Part 1.”  Now I see that some guy named Charles Lipson has a post up at some rag called “Newsweek” entitled “The Biden Administration’s Five Stages of Grief.”

In my post I said, “People say that the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I think I have detected these stages in news coverage of the Biden Administration.  The Left is grieving for the loss of Joe FDR Biden’s New Deal Moment, the Great Reset, the Build Back Better Rip-Off.  If you think back to last year I remember when prices started to rise and the headlines were full of denial.  Do you remember how they claimed that the Fourth of July cookout was something like $1.47 cheaper than the year before?  And then there was the meme about inflation being temporary.”

Now here’s something from Lipson’s post, “Take inflation. The former administration spokesperson, Jen Psaki, initially denied rising prices were a problem. When that became laughable, the administration reframed the problem as a temporary one.”

What the hell!  When I want to talk about an idea that someone else has written on, I always give attribution and cite the work and put a link back to the original article.  But this Lipson guy did none of these things.  What the hell!

I challenge you Charles Lipson, Professor Emeritus of Political Science, University of Chicago (if that is your real name!) to do the right thing and give attribution to Orion’s Cold Fire and apologize for your scurrilous behavior.  Have you no sense of decency sir?  Have you no shame, at last?  There you are at your fancy university in your la de dah city of Chicago taking the food out of Camera Girl’s mouth.  I challenge you to a debate.  Who is the greater pundit thee or me?

Well, I feel better now.  It’s good to get this thing off my chest.  Okay, let me go see what I can “borrow” from someone else now.