SS – Good evening xe, xer and all the ships at sea, this is your intrepid reporter Snott Smelley here on my Substack; “The Smelley Report!” And tonight, I have an exclusive interview with that rising star of the communis…, I mean of the progressive wing of the Democrat party Gland Splatinher. Good evening Mr. Splatinher. May I call you Gland?
GS – Hello Snott. Sure thing. I’m just a simple oyster farmer from here in the heartland of Maine trying to strike a blow for just plain folks like myself.
SS – Well, Gland, things seem to have gotten complicated out here on the campaign trail for you lately and I thought maybe you needed to have a high-profile platform to get your side of the story out.
GS – Well, thank you Snott. Yes, as of late, my enemies have been weaponizing the news reports to spread lies about my past. They’re painting me as this angry, drunken, Neanderthal who brutalizes and rapes women on a regular basis. The truth is that I have no more than 5% Neanderthal DNA and there is absolutely nothing regular about my attacks. They’re completely random and completely justified.
SS – Justified?
GS – Sure! If you just listen to the latest story about me, it’s crystal clear that I was “black-out drunk” when I showed up. Well, that means I was not responsible for my actions. This puts me in the same category as Larry Talbot when he becomes the Wolfman. Sure, he tears his victims limb from limb but when he wakes up, he has no memory of his killings. So, ipso facto, he’s innocent. What my opponents are trying to do is paint me as more like a Count Dracula that is fully cognizant of his attacks and drains his victims of blood in the unholy quest for eternal life. My enemies are intentionally trying to conflate werewolves and vampires. But this couldn’t be farther from the truth in my case. In many ways I’m more of the victim than these accusers. After all, they had the chance to block me on Kik but encouraged me instead. Basically, they were painting a pentagram in their palms as far as I’m concerned.
SS – Well, Gland, that’s all very interesting, but how will the voters of Maine view this situation. Word is that all of the Democrat power brokers have turned on you and demand that you drop out of the race including Bernie Sanders who when he heard of the latest accusation broke into Yiddish and had a minor stroke.
GS – That’s where you come in Snott. With the long reach of your platform, I can get my story out. With your 300 million viewers I can get public opinion on my side and crowd fund my campaign to shout down the haters.
SS – Well I think there’s been a mistake. I said I had 300 viewers. You must have thought I meant 300 million. But I didn’t. But don’t worry, those three hundred are super loyal viewers and have netted me more than eleven dollars of super-chat money several times this month.
GS – Three hundred? Three hundred? What are you, an idiot? My cat videos get a thousand times that every day. Eleven dollars? I’m going to need eleven million dollars in lawyers’ fees to keep me out of prison on the assault charges. If you were in the same room with me right now, I’d finish you. Don’t ever contact me again you loser. (The feed closes)
SS – Well folks, you heard it here first. Gland Splatinher will be using the Larry Talbot defense in his upcoming campaign and subsequent assault trial. This is your humble servant Snott Smelley signing off and wishing you a safe, seen and centered tomorrow.
