Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

Four score and seven months ago my forefather Dick Cheney shot some old guy in the face.  Well actually it was nine score and nine months ago but you see what I’m doing here.  So anyway, he shot that old guy in the face with a shot gun because he got in the way of his quail hunt.  Can you imagine what he would have done if that old man had been Donald Trump?

Now that I have established the Gettysburg Address connection let me spin out why I’m a lot like Abraham Lincoln.  First of all, both of us look better in a beard than without.  So that’s big.  Next, both of us lost a Congressional race.  How crazy is that?  If you think about it, you might call the resemblance miraculous, right?  And both of us successfully put down an insurrection against the United States government.  Well, I don’t know about you but that cinches the whole thing for me.

I plan on buying a stove pipe hat and running in 2024 for president under the slogan, “Government of the Cheneys, by the Cheneys and for the Cheneys shall not perish from the earth.”

Look, let’s face facts.  The Democrats will steal every election from now on.  You know it, I know it and the American people know it too.  If anyone objects, they’ll just toss him in prison and throw away the key.  So, if at least you have a few honest patriots like me in government we can retard ever so slightly the speed at which our way of life toboggans off the cliffs of insanity and thereby make the terror imaginable rather than unimaginable.  Now that sounds like a deal to me.

So today I highly resolve to dedicate a good chunk of my spare time to running for president.  Of course, I won’t win but I fully expect to pull something like fifty million USD into my campaign war chest and that should tide me over until I can figure out who I should shoot in the face.

So, in conclusion thanks to Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff and Merrick Garland for all the hard work setting up the January Sixth Committee.  Barking out lies and gross exaggerations has been the most fun I’ve had in Washington since I got here.  I finally understand why the Spanish Inquisition was such a big deal.  It’s because it was just so much darn fun.  Until you’ve seen the terror in the face of some poor schlub who really believed that he had freedom of speech and equal protection under the law, when we rip his life to shreds you haven’t lived.

Thanks to the over three dozen Wyomingites that voted for me.  And as for the rest of you that voted for my opponent, I know that Dick Cheney is loading up his shot gun and will personally shoot each and every one of you in the face, even if it takes him the rest of his unnatural life.

Good night, America!

Biden Blames Putin for Gas Prices, Stagflation, COVID Crisis, Afghan Debacle, Crime Wave in Cities and Incontinence

Washington D.C. – American President Joseph Biden gave a hard hitting if somewhat confusing speech today in front of the Trade Union Delegation from Inner Outer Stanstanistan.  To the somewhat bemused pastoral herdsmen in their colorful native garb the animated but sometimes incoherent stateman was highly entertaining.  Of course, since the translator was speaking in Outer Inner Stanstanistanian they couldn’t understand anything he said.  But their spokesman was quoted as saying “we could tell he really meant whatever it was he was saying.”

After blaming every domestic and foreign policy debacle in his administration on the Russian strongman, Biden finished up the speech with an appeal for lower priced insulin that ended with him repeatedly striking the podium with his shoe.  This got a standing ovation from the herdsmen who remembered old video clips of Khrushchev at the UN that they had watched during lunch break in grammar school.  The emotional yak herders left the meeting chanting, “We will bury you, we will bury you” in fairly good Russian.

MSNBC reported that the speech is widely believed to be the talking points for the Democrat mid-term elections campaign platform.  Rachel Maddow explained, “We will blame everything on Putin.  Inflation, Putin.  Crime, Putin.  Biden’s flatulence, Putin.  There is even talk of finding footage of Putin standing on George Floyd’s neck whenever Chauvin needed to be spelled.  We drew the line at implicating him in the Kennedy assassination because Putin was eleven at the time and known to be a fairly poor shot with a rifle.”

Caught flat-footed by this new scheme Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell was quoted as saying, “Huh?”

After the speech a news team was sent out to a local gas station to do a man on the street interview with a consumer filling his gas tank.  After watching a clip from the speech, the motorist reached into his car and proceeded to brain the reporter with a baseball bat.  Police were called to the scene and after watching the video, they emptied the clips of their sidearms into the now motionless reporter and left.  The rest of the news crew beat a tactical retreat back to MSNBC where they suggested that the DNC might want to do a little more focus group workshopping of the idea.  But they stressed that heavy blunt objects and pointed and sharp-edged utensils be removed from the premises beforehand.

Later that night a medical emergency was declared at the White House.  During dinner when asked by Doctor Jill what he had done that day President Biden began to repeat the word Putin over and over in a continuous string; putinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputiputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputin!!!!!

When the doctors arrived, the president was diagnosed with a rare form of political Tourette’s syndrome.  It is now believed that for the rest of his life he will only be able to utter combinations of the two syllables pu and tin.  When questioned about this development White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that this situation was Putin’s fault but that it would pose no real problem to President Biden continuing his present activities.  In fact, Psaki hinted that the new situation might actually make her job easier.

However, after hearing that the condition was permanent First Lady Doctor Jill packed her bag and left the White House with her secret service detail in tow.  She was quoted as saying, “That’s enough.  I’m out.”

Now is the Heating System of My Discontent Turned Glorious Prose by This Sun of a Gun

Camera Girl and I are huddled together over mugs of tea trying to stave off hypothermia.  The heating system finally gave up the ghost last night and the house has settled down to ambient temperatures.  We slipped below fifty-five degrees a little while ago and I’ve begun to understand how the Donner party got to where they did.  I got off the phone with the “tech manager” a while ago and she was very sympathetic to my plight.  I didn’t swear at the woman so that speaks well of me but I did question the competency and integrity of the company.  Their pre-recorded message that plays while you’re on hold tells me that they are growing by leaps and bounds and have branches from Vermont to Delaware.  Thinking about the viability of every state in that area doesn’t increase my confidence in the business model or mission statement of the “Company.”

This stream of consciousness post is meant to document my descent into cold induced dementia.  Now I can fully understand Joe Biden.  His brain is frozen and no meaningful thinking can occur.  I forgive him for everything except for the child sniffing and for his cruelty to Corn Pop.  Soon I will send Camera Girl off to one of her daughters’ houses to survive.  I will stay here and sacrifice myself as a protest against the cruelty and incompetence of “Big Oil” or, more accurately, “Small Oil.”

My only regret is that I couldn’t live to see Liz Cheney drummed out of the Republican Party and booted out of Congress.  Wait, that’s not true.  There are other things I wish I could have lived to see.  For instance:

  • Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, AOC and Liz Cheney forced to work as Amway reps.
  • The ZMan move out of Lagos on the Chesapeake
  • Joe Biden audibly fart during the State of the Union address.
  • Kamala Harris run away screaming at a press conference and never be heard from again.
  • Lori Lightfoot, Anthony Fauci, Beto O’Rourke and Bill deBlasio arrested for impersonating human beings.
  • The Mario Cuomo Bridge renamed the Tappan Zee Bridge, Andrew Cuomo renamed Tappan Zee and Chris Cuomo legally renamed Fredo.
  • The Squad deported to wherever anyone is willing to take them.
  • Fredo, Don Lemon, Rachel Maddow, Joe Scarborough, Anderson Cooper and Chris Hayes forced by court order to serve for five years as dunk tank clowns in a travelling carnival.

Tell the world my story.

Gutfeld Breaks Through the Late Night Comic Ratings Game

I started watching Greg Gutfeld back in 2010 when he had his 3 am comedy Red Eye on Fox News.  With his small ensemble of regulars and a bunch of Fox News and right-wing and libertarian guests the show was an incredibly refreshing change from the lefty late night hosts that had already become too unbearable to listen to.

It was obviously a show that was produced on a shoestring budget and existed without any of the heavyweight advantages that the networks can provide to an entertainment show.  We weren’t going to see any movie stars or top echelon politicians on this show.  Instead you had a folded newspaper with paper eyes taped on used as a ventriloquist dummy while one of the cast represented the views of the New York Times in a silly voice.  Or there would be a video of robots in their parents’ basement, reciting the talking points of George Soros’ Media Matters in a cadence that sounded like HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

This was not a show that could compete with The Tonight Show or even Conan O’Brien.  I even remember a clip of David Letterman making fun of Greg’s name and calling him a nobody.  But it was often very funny.  Gutfeld was a social liberal by all appearances.  I’d say he was a libertarian.  But he wasn’t attacking the Right.  After a few years when the show ran out of steam and several of the regulars left so did I.  But my impression was that Gutfeld was not against us and was doing the best he could to speak to more than the left side of America.  And for that I give him credit.

In the last few years Gutfeld has been ubiquitous on Fox News.  He’s a regular on their talk show “The Five.”  And he now has his own late night comedy show that is much better supported by the network than Red Eye was.  And after viewing a few episodes I see that Gutfeld knows where his audience is.  I don’t doubt he’s still the same guy but he’s towing the line and giving Donald Trump his due.  And that’s good.  Gutfeld is far enough to the right of the rest of Hollywood and the Media to be considered one of us.  I wouldn’t want him deciding policy but I’m more than happy to see him telling jokes on a late night show.  After all Johnny Carson was probably a liberal.  But he tried to be an equal opportunity mocker of the left and the right.  I can live with that.

Now that Gutfeld is making real headway I hope Fox News supports him and provides whatever leverage they can to get him good guests.  Who knows maybe one day he can have Donald Trump on the show.  That show I’d watch.

So good luck to Greg.  He’s the only one of those comics worth spit.  Hopefully he can showcase a lot of the little comics on our side.  That would be a worthwhile endeavor.  Build our own platforms.

Babylon Bee Steps Into the Breach and Reports on Afghanistan

When hard hitting reporting is needed depend on the Babylon Bee to be there.  Here the Bee tells you about the Taliban’s very progressive stance on women’s rights and it follows up on Joe Biden’s efforts to defend the LGBTQ rights of fabulous Afghanis.  Groundbreaking.

Seriously, these guys should have their own show on network tv.  That they don’t is a sign that we are living in a humorless age.  And that network tv is already on its last legs.

Animatronic Biden Enters Olympics as Transgender Biden – Crushes the Competition in Women’s Track and Field

Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm.  Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events.  The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one.  Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman.  But such is life in these enlightened times.

The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw.  When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw.  Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event.  The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m.  But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary.  This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.”  But the officials decided to leave well enough alone.  To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws.  And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.

After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner.  But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”

CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete.  But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders.  Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder.  Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult.  But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires.  An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself.  Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity.  He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for.  And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star.  Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”

Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports.  She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!”  The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff.  Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip.  And she’s quite a looker too!”

Day 45 of Dementia Joe’s Regime – Interdimensional Crisis Averted

 

High drama unfolded today in Washington when at around 10 am sirens sounded and helicopter gunships and tactical attack aircraft were seen circling the White House.  Thousands of troops formed a cordon around the White House.  But by noon all military activity had returned to normal.  Strange rumors circulated about the President’s whereabouts and at the afternoon press conference the President was questioned about the incident.

Upon being asked if anything unusual had occurred that morning President Biden replied, “I’m glad you asked that question Sparky, you old dog faced pony soldier, I was preparing for the national defense briefing when I found myself lost in an alternate universe.  Suddenly a door to another dimension opened up and I found my self looking out at the old swimming hole I used to share with my boyhood chums Huck Finn and Corn Pop.  Well, I got ready to go skinny dipping with them when all of a sudden, the interdimensional portal closed on me and I was trapped.  I realized at once that white supremacists had lured me in with a false image.  I struggled mightily and finally I remembered the super-secret Presidential beacon alarm.  I triggered it and I was rescued by a special forces battalion.

Because of the heroic struggle I put up against the white supremacists in hyperspace, the Nobel Foundation will be awarding me both the Peace Prize and the award for physics.  I have requested that instead of the medals being awarded to me by the King of Norway, that Greta Thunberg place the medals around my neck.  Also, I will request that she use Wella Balsam shampoo beforehand.”

After the press conference a slightly different version emerged from unnamed White House sources.

This morning at 10 am President Biden turned up missing for his national security briefing.  When the President’s Life Alert was triggered the secret service agents used the GPS device to triangulate his location.  When the President’s clothes were found on the floor in front of a dumb waiter the worst was feared.  But as best anyone can reconstruct the sequence of events, it appears that the President had wandered down an unfamiliar service corridor near the kitchen and after opening the door of the dumb waiter mistook the small metal box for an interdimensional portal that would allow him to relive his boyhood days at the swimming hole.  After removing his clothes, he wedged himself in the small space but the door closed on him sending him into a panic.  Although the lengthy captivity and cramped posture had resulted in some regrettable excretory mishaps the President was conscious and basically safe.  The female secret service agents were dismissed and Dr Jill was summoned with the object of coaxing the agitated President out of his portal and back into his underwear.  After decontamination of the dumb waiter and the President things returned to normal.

Later on, in the day when the incident was mentioned during the daily press conference Jen Psaki promised to circle back to it but assured the reporters that there was nothing funny about white supremacists marauding through interdimensional space and attempting to kidnap the President of the United States.  The FBI has promised to round up the white supremacists and bring them to justice.  Huck Finn and Corn Pop could not be reached for comment.

Guest Contributor – Jack Strawman – Old White Guy Wins Another Super Bowl

Editor’s Note: Not that the readers here need the warning and reality gets scarily close to parody, but for any folks from the Left, THIS IS SATIRE!

In an era marked by extraordinary, if not completely manufactured, racial tensions, the NFL once again finds itself in the spotlight as a 43-year-old white guy won his unprecedented seventh Super Bowl title last night.  Reaction was swift on Capitol Hill, where the yearly festival of cavorting with underage prostitutes that coincides with the Big Game was cut short so Congress could quickly form a Special Committee to investigate the issue.  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tapped Adam Schiff as the Committee Chairman; but while Schiff has never engaged in an actual sporting event, it is said that he used to enjoy watching pee-wee football games from the parking lot in his car.

The white guy in question, Tom Brady, was finishing his first season with his new team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  His former team of 20 years, the New England Patriots, immediately put out a press release, signed by the two egregiously wealthy old white guys who both own and run the franchise.  “We are aghast at what transpired this evening.  With each successive title Brady won here, we grew more horrified by what this meant to a country whose entire history is marred by systemic racism.  After the sixth title, we knew we could no longer retain Mr. Brady; we relinquished our rights to his services, and will be content to now take our place in the middle of the pack for the foreseeable future.”  New England is also hoping that their fan base will be content with the new Participation Trophies intended to assuage the feelings of the other 31 teams that do not win the title each year.

The NFL itself has also opened an investigation, led by their Chief Executive Panderer, Roger Goodell – another old white guy under contract for some $35 million/year.  “The NFL is simply horrified by tonight’s results.  We have done everything in our power to level the playing field; not the least of which has included overlooking every instance of domestic abuse and violent crime committed by our players.  In addition, we have mandated that each team practice solidarity kneeling throughout the season, and continue to pay for the choreography lessons required so every physically gifted black player can relentlessly showboat after basically doing what they are paid to do.”  Goodell went on to say that the NFL is now considering adopting the Golf scoring system, where the lowest score wins.

The outrage has also affected Brady’s wife, top fashion model Gisele Bündchen.  Within an hour of the game’s end, all of her contracts were canceled; the majority are being awarded to Aunt Jemimah, who has been out of work for a number of months now after her lucrative high fructose corn syrup-laden pancake syrup deal was abruptly canceled with the PepsiCo Corporation, which also sponsored yet another Luciferian Halftime Show.  PepsiCo had no comment.

The Babylon Bee Puts Things in Perspective

It takes a satirical site like the Babylon Bee to really capture the irony of politics today.  How about this headline “Most Popular President In History To Be Inaugurated In Secret Behind Giant Wall Guarded By Thousands Of Soldiers.”

That says it all.

https://babylonbee.com/news/most-popular-president-in-history-to-be-inaugurated-in-secret-guarded-by-army-behind-12-foot-fence

This is one of the best sites on the web to get a laugh in a world that is more likely to make you cry.

But my favorite part is the last line, “Sources say that Biden will be brought to an undisclosed location after the inauguration to live out his remaining days peacefully until Kamala Harris’s inauguration next week.”