Gutfeld Breaks Through the Late Night Comic Ratings Game

I started watching Greg Gutfeld back in 2010 when he had his 3 am comedy Red Eye on Fox News.  With his small ensemble of regulars and a bunch of Fox News and right-wing and libertarian guests the show was an incredibly refreshing change from the lefty late night hosts that had already become too unbearable to listen to.

It was obviously a show that was produced on a shoestring budget and existed without any of the heavyweight advantages that the networks can provide to an entertainment show.  We weren’t going to see any movie stars or top echelon politicians on this show.  Instead you had a folded newspaper with paper eyes taped on used as a ventriloquist dummy while one of the cast represented the views of the New York Times in a silly voice.  Or there would be a video of robots in their parents’ basement, reciting the talking points of George Soros’ Media Matters in a cadence that sounded like HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

This was not a show that could compete with The Tonight Show or even Conan O’Brien.  I even remember a clip of David Letterman making fun of Greg’s name and calling him a nobody.  But it was often very funny.  Gutfeld was a social liberal by all appearances.  I’d say he was a libertarian.  But he wasn’t attacking the Right.  After a few years when the show ran out of steam and several of the regulars left so did I.  But my impression was that Gutfeld was not against us and was doing the best he could to speak to more than the left side of America.  And for that I give him credit.

In the last few years Gutfeld has been ubiquitous on Fox News.  He’s a regular on their talk show “The Five.”  And he now has his own late night comedy show that is much better supported by the network than Red Eye was.  And after viewing a few episodes I see that Gutfeld knows where his audience is.  I don’t doubt he’s still the same guy but he’s towing the line and giving Donald Trump his due.  And that’s good.  Gutfeld is far enough to the right of the rest of Hollywood and the Media to be considered one of us.  I wouldn’t want him deciding policy but I’m more than happy to see him telling jokes on a late night show.  After all Johnny Carson was probably a liberal.  But he tried to be an equal opportunity mocker of the left and the right.  I can live with that.

Now that Gutfeld is making real headway I hope Fox News supports him and provides whatever leverage they can to get him good guests.  Who knows maybe one day he can have Donald Trump on the show.  That show I’d watch.

So good luck to Greg.  He’s the only one of those comics worth spit.  Hopefully he can showcase a lot of the little comics on our side.  That would be a worthwhile endeavor.  Build our own platforms.

Babylon Bee Steps Into the Breach and Reports on Afghanistan

When hard hitting reporting is needed depend on the Babylon Bee to be there.  Here the Bee tells you about the Taliban’s very progressive stance on women’s rights and it follows up on Joe Biden’s efforts to defend the LGBTQ rights of fabulous Afghanis.  Groundbreaking.

Seriously, these guys should have their own show on network tv.  That they don’t is a sign that we are living in a humorless age.  And that network tv is already on its last legs.

Animatronic Biden Enters Olympics as Transgender Biden – Crushes the Competition in Women’s Track and Field

Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm.  Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events.  The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one.  Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman.  But such is life in these enlightened times.

The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw.  When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw.  Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event.  The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m.  But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary.  This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.”  But the officials decided to leave well enough alone.  To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws.  And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.

After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner.  But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”

CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete.  But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders.  Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder.  Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult.  But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires.  An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself.  Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity.  He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for.  And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star.  Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”

Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports.  She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!”  The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff.  Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip.  And she’s quite a looker too!”

Day 45 of Dementia Joe’s Regime – Interdimensional Crisis Averted

 

High drama unfolded today in Washington when at around 10 am sirens sounded and helicopter gunships and tactical attack aircraft were seen circling the White House.  Thousands of troops formed a cordon around the White House.  But by noon all military activity had returned to normal.  Strange rumors circulated about the President’s whereabouts and at the afternoon press conference the President was questioned about the incident.

Upon being asked if anything unusual had occurred that morning President Biden replied, “I’m glad you asked that question Sparky, you old dog faced pony soldier, I was preparing for the national defense briefing when I found myself lost in an alternate universe.  Suddenly a door to another dimension opened up and I found my self looking out at the old swimming hole I used to share with my boyhood chums Huck Finn and Corn Pop.  Well, I got ready to go skinny dipping with them when all of a sudden, the interdimensional portal closed on me and I was trapped.  I realized at once that white supremacists had lured me in with a false image.  I struggled mightily and finally I remembered the super-secret Presidential beacon alarm.  I triggered it and I was rescued by a special forces battalion.

Because of the heroic struggle I put up against the white supremacists in hyperspace, the Nobel Foundation will be awarding me both the Peace Prize and the award for physics.  I have requested that instead of the medals being awarded to me by the King of Norway, that Greta Thunberg place the medals around my neck.  Also, I will request that she use Wella Balsam shampoo beforehand.”

After the press conference a slightly different version emerged from unnamed White House sources.

This morning at 10 am President Biden turned up missing for his national security briefing.  When the President’s Life Alert was triggered the secret service agents used the GPS device to triangulate his location.  When the President’s clothes were found on the floor in front of a dumb waiter the worst was feared.  But as best anyone can reconstruct the sequence of events, it appears that the President had wandered down an unfamiliar service corridor near the kitchen and after opening the door of the dumb waiter mistook the small metal box for an interdimensional portal that would allow him to relive his boyhood days at the swimming hole.  After removing his clothes, he wedged himself in the small space but the door closed on him sending him into a panic.  Although the lengthy captivity and cramped posture had resulted in some regrettable excretory mishaps the President was conscious and basically safe.  The female secret service agents were dismissed and Dr Jill was summoned with the object of coaxing the agitated President out of his portal and back into his underwear.  After decontamination of the dumb waiter and the President things returned to normal.

Later on, in the day when the incident was mentioned during the daily press conference Jen Psaki promised to circle back to it but assured the reporters that there was nothing funny about white supremacists marauding through interdimensional space and attempting to kidnap the President of the United States.  The FBI has promised to round up the white supremacists and bring them to justice.  Huck Finn and Corn Pop could not be reached for comment.

Guest Contributor – Jack Strawman – Old White Guy Wins Another Super Bowl

Editor’s Note: Not that the readers here need the warning and reality gets scarily close to parody, but for any folks from the Left, THIS IS SATIRE!

In an era marked by extraordinary, if not completely manufactured, racial tensions, the NFL once again finds itself in the spotlight as a 43-year-old white guy won his unprecedented seventh Super Bowl title last night.  Reaction was swift on Capitol Hill, where the yearly festival of cavorting with underage prostitutes that coincides with the Big Game was cut short so Congress could quickly form a Special Committee to investigate the issue.  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tapped Adam Schiff as the Committee Chairman; but while Schiff has never engaged in an actual sporting event, it is said that he used to enjoy watching pee-wee football games from the parking lot in his car.

The white guy in question, Tom Brady, was finishing his first season with his new team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  His former team of 20 years, the New England Patriots, immediately put out a press release, signed by the two egregiously wealthy old white guys who both own and run the franchise.  “We are aghast at what transpired this evening.  With each successive title Brady won here, we grew more horrified by what this meant to a country whose entire history is marred by systemic racism.  After the sixth title, we knew we could no longer retain Mr. Brady; we relinquished our rights to his services, and will be content to now take our place in the middle of the pack for the foreseeable future.”  New England is also hoping that their fan base will be content with the new Participation Trophies intended to assuage the feelings of the other 31 teams that do not win the title each year.

The NFL itself has also opened an investigation, led by their Chief Executive Panderer, Roger Goodell – another old white guy under contract for some $35 million/year.  “The NFL is simply horrified by tonight’s results.  We have done everything in our power to level the playing field; not the least of which has included overlooking every instance of domestic abuse and violent crime committed by our players.  In addition, we have mandated that each team practice solidarity kneeling throughout the season, and continue to pay for the choreography lessons required so every physically gifted black player can relentlessly showboat after basically doing what they are paid to do.”  Goodell went on to say that the NFL is now considering adopting the Golf scoring system, where the lowest score wins.

The outrage has also affected Brady’s wife, top fashion model Gisele Bündchen.  Within an hour of the game’s end, all of her contracts were canceled; the majority are being awarded to Aunt Jemimah, who has been out of work for a number of months now after her lucrative high fructose corn syrup-laden pancake syrup deal was abruptly canceled with the PepsiCo Corporation, which also sponsored yet another Luciferian Halftime Show.  PepsiCo had no comment.

The Babylon Bee Puts Things in Perspective

It takes a satirical site like the Babylon Bee to really capture the irony of politics today.  How about this headline “Most Popular President In History To Be Inaugurated In Secret Behind Giant Wall Guarded By Thousands Of Soldiers.”

That says it all.

https://babylonbee.com/news/most-popular-president-in-history-to-be-inaugurated-in-secret-guarded-by-army-behind-12-foot-fence

This is one of the best sites on the web to get a laugh in a world that is more likely to make you cry.

But my favorite part is the last line, “Sources say that Biden will be brought to an undisclosed location after the inauguration to live out his remaining days peacefully until Kamala Harris’s inauguration next week.”

 

 

The Absolutely Final, Last Stand of the Losers, 2020 Democratic Kamikaze Debate

Dramatis Personae: Bernie Sanders (BP); Joe Biden (JB); Elizabeth Warren (EW); Amy Klobuchar (AK); Mike Bloomberg (MB); Mystery Candidate (MC); Christiane Amanpour (CA); Rudy Giuliani (RG); Joy Reid (JR); Anderson Cooper (AC); Rachel Maddow (RM);

 

(Scene 1: Inside the media booth at the final Democratic Debate in San Francisco)

 

CA – Hello, I’m Christiane Amanpour with my interesting British accent, and we’re here at the final 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate in beautiful San Francisco, California.

RG – Beautiful?  You call trying to navigate around a sidewalk festooned with human feces and vomit beautiful?  Christiane, that’s some weird alternate reality you live in.

CA – And as you can see and hear, I’m joined by the always cantankerous, former Mayor of New York and current attorney for President Trump, Rudy Giuliani.

RG – I can live with cantankerous.

CA – And we’ll be here to see who will step up and try to knock Bernie Sanders off his trajectory of winning the Democratic Presidential Nomination.

RG – Actually I’m here for the laughs.  These losers are trying to stop the Crazy Party from nominating the King of the Lunatics.  That seems to be an impossibility.

CA – Despite Rudy’s penchant for Right Wing propaganda, it will be interesting to see if the more moderate candidates attempt to make an issue of Bernie Sanders flirtation with socialism.

RG – Flirtation?  I would say that it was consummated to use a polite word.  To continue your analogy, if this were seventy years ago, we’d be seeing a shotgun wedding between Bernie and Communism.

CA – Well, enough of this banter.  Let’s go to the debate stage.  The seven candidates are now advancing to their podiums and the moderators are seated.  We have CNN’s Anderson Cooper and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid.

RG – Ah yes, the voices of reason.  Where did I put my barf bag?

 

(Scene 2: Wide shot of the moderators and candidates on the debate stage)

 

JR – I’m Joy Reid and welcome to the audience here at the Palace of Fine Arts here in vibrant San Francisco.

(A voice from the audience gives a loud bitter laugh and an epithet.  A struggle is seen in the audience and a man is tased and carried away.)

JR – Spirits are high and let’s meet our panel and the candidates.  I’m joined by my colleagues Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper who know in their hearts that that wasn’t me who allegedly said those homophobic remarks all those years ago because that is not who I am.

(Maddow and Cooper glare at her over rigid smiles.)

JR – And here are the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates.  In decreasing order of electoral relevance, Senator Bernie Sanders, the socialist democrat from Vermont; Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City; Vice President Joe Biden of Delaware; Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana; Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts; Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota; Billionaire Tom Steyer of San Francisco California.  Welcome all of you or Zae, Zee, Zi, Zo, Zou and sometimes Zy.

(The candidates look confused and mumble some replies.)

RM – Hey wait a minute, that’s not Tom Steyer there at the loser end of the podium.  It’s a masked intruder in an ill-fitting white pantsuit!

MC – That’s right Rachel Maddow, I am the “mystery candidate” and Tom Steyer has voluntarily surrendered his place on the stage and his billion-dollar fortune to me in my run for the presidency.

AC – But that’s nonsense.  This is the end of the campaign and there’s no way that can be justified under the rules of the debate or the DNC campaign requirements.

BP – Wanna bet Anderson?  How do you think they justified screwing me out of the nomination last time?

RM – Alright but why the mask?  You’re obviously Hillary Clinton and you’re not fooling anyone.

MC – That’s ridiculous!  Hillary Clinton is so beloved by the people that she would never disguise herself.  It would be throwing away her natural advantage.

RM – If that’s so how come you lost the last two times you ran.

MC – That’s a damn lie.  The Russians stole the election from me.  … I mean from her.

JR – Alright, whatever, we don’t have all night let’s move on and get this show on the road.

AC – The first question will be answered by all the candidates.  Why do you want to be President of the United States of America?  Senator Sanders?

BS – I wanna say that when I am President the first order of business will be to make the minimum wage $500 dollars an hour.  That way all Americans will be earning a million dollars a year.  Then I will make the tax on the million-dollar bracket 100%.  That will flood the treasury with cash and balance the budget.  I would seize all businesses and nationalize them and all profits would be divided equally by all the people.  And finally, I would declare all humans and some primates American citizens and allow them all to enjoy the fruits of this land.  To each according to his needs and from each according to his abilities.

RM – Hey that’s misogynist!  You should have said her or at least their.

BS – Yes, that’s what I should have said.  But, I am very old, you know.

MB – Hey can I say something in rebuttal?

AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, it’s your turn to answer the question.  If you want to discuss Senator Sander’s answer feel free.

MB- Thanks.  Bernie Sanders is a dangerous lunatic.  What he just laid out was a delusional plan that would bankrupt the country and collapse the financial system of the entire planet.  I can’t actually calculate how bad it would be but I guess that tens of millions would starve in the first few months and the urban areas would devolve into cannibalism within the first year.  Shortly after that the Chinese would invade and occupy the more desirable farming and mining areas and allow the rest to revert to primitive tribalism.

BS – This bloated plutocrat is lying.  He has grown fat on the forced labor of the lumpen proletariat.

MB – Hey looks who’s talking about bloated and fat.  I keep my weight at a very optimal point and you look pretty flabby to me Mr. Millionaire Communist.

BS – Liar, I’m a Democratic Socialist!  And a millionaire isn’t a billionaire like you!

MB – Socialist, Communist.  Potato, pattata.

AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve critiqued your opponent’s plan.  What is you reason for running?

MB – I see the most urgent threat that America is faced with is what to do about the “Big Gulp.”  Are you aware that the fifty-ounce beverage is killing more Americans each year than cancer and opioids combined?  And also, the average American butt size has increased by eleven inches over the last twenty years.  I am on a crusade to bring health and longevity to the people of this great country.  Once my War on gulps is victorious, I intend to go after the Big Mac, the Whopper and, God willing, the all you can eat Lobster Fest at Red Lobster.

AC – Well I see what you mean about butt size.  It’s a pet peeve of mine too.  Well Mr. Vice President, it’s your turn.

JB – You know when I was the right-hand man of a certain clean articulate President named Barack Obama, I suppose you remember him, he said to me, he said, “Joe, old friend, what can be done to stop the Big Gulp?”  Well I drew up a plan and pushed through the legislation in record time and that’s how we defeated the Big Gulp.

MB – That never happened.

JB – Listen you lying, dog-faced pony soldier, why don’t we have a push up contest or go out behind the barn and decide this the old-fashioned way with chains and straight razors.

AC – Please Mr. Vice President, try to stay on track.

JB – Well as I was saying, back last year when I was Vice President, I set up the program that made the minimum wage $500 an hour and that’s how we ended poverty in our lifetime.

(Stunned silence descends on the stage and crowd.)

AC – While the former Vice President is being escorted to the emergency room for treatment, can you tell us your reason for being President, Mayor Buttigieg.

PB – Thank you Anderson, we all acknowledge the terrible struggle you’ve endured at the hands of the rampant homophobia that is America’s scourge.  I too have tasted the whiplash sting of its cruelty.

AC – Ahhhh?  You do know I’m a Vanderbilt and have hundreds of millions of dollars, right?

PB – No amount of wealth can make up for the whiplash sting of cruelty.

AC – Sure, but it really helps, don’t you think?

PB – Well, maybe.  Anyway, my priority will be ensuring that every American child knows the name and correct pronunciation for the names of all the Latin American dictators, uhhh … I mean leaders in our hemisphere.

AK – Screw you, you little jerk.

AC – Please Senator Klobuchar, your turn isn’t next.

AK – He sucks!

PB – Homophobe!

AK – Ahhh, grow a pair you little weasel!

AC – Please, please!  Let’s get back to business.  Senator Warren it’s your turn.

EW – Thank you Anderson.  One of the most important parts of my candidacy is bringing a woman’s perspective to the presidency.  Women are the practical money handlers in their families.  We know how to avoid debt and live within our means.  Looking at Senator Sanders’ ridiculous proposal it doesn’t take a CPA to see that a $500 an hour minimum wage is insanity.  The fact that he doesn’t recognize its absurdity is proof of his unfitness to be President.  Applying a real-world perspective along with a woman’s social justice instincts points to a minimum wage that is absolutely no higher than $450 an hour.

MB – Is it too late for me to get a MAGA hat?

AC – Alright let’s hang in there for a few more minutes. This thing is almost over.  Senator Klobuchar have you got some brief comments you’d like to make.

AK – You betcha.  I can’t win this thing.  I’m too close to normal.  What I would like to do is throw something at that little weasel Buttigieg.  If someone will just hold him for a second, I’ll kick his skinny little butt.

AC – Security please escort Senator Klobuchar from the stage and get Mayor Pete some smelling salts.  Alright, “Mystery Candidate,” would you like a shot at the question?

MC – I’d be delighted Anderson.  For all of my life I’ve strived to educate the American people about their unworthiness and what they needed to do to atone for their sins.  And at the top of that list is making me their President.  I’ve suffered as no other woman ever has.  I’ve been ridiculed for my looks, my weight, my voice, my husband’s womanizing and for the very large number of coincidental suicides that seem to occur all around me.  I want to be President so that all this persecution will end.  I will set up a Presidential tribunal that will adjudicate all these capitol offenses fairly and once these people have been brought to justice, I intend to eliminate the 22nd amendment by executive order and give the United States the permanent and hereditary leadership it has always deserved.

AC – Okay, I think my colleagues will agree to skip their questioning so that we can escape before the voters storm this building and drag us off to Alcatraz for summary execution.  I apologize heartily to the American people and promise to find a real job where I can atone for my connection to this lunatic asylum.

(Scene 3: Inside the media booth)

RG – Well there you have it.  Christiane Amanpour has fled the building with Joe Biden in hot pursuit trying to grab her shoulders and smell her hair.  I haven’t had such a good time since the Yankees won the World Series from the Mets in 2000.  Well anyway, it doesn’t look like there’ll be much drama in November but I suppose that’s best for the country.  But I hope you’ve enjoyed the show.  Sorry it couldn’t have gone longer but these people really do need to get back to the hospital.  Good night and Keep America Great in November.

#1 in Customer Service, The Complete Adventures of Tom Stranger (Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent #3) – A Science Fiction and Fantasy Book Review

For the sake of accuracy let me say that his is actually an audiobook.  It’s found on Audible which is an Amazon company.

This is the third installment in the Tom Stranger saga but Audible has bundled all the earlier episodes in with three new chapter in the series adding up to eight hours of listening time.  The Tom Stranger stories are a goofball joke that Larry Correia of “Monster Hunter International” fame spun out in 2016 as a lark.  But he got Adam Baldwin (of Firefly and Chuck fame) to do the narration and the first one was so much fun to listen to that I’ve kept up with the nutty series ever since.

The idea is exactly what the title implies.  Tom Stranger is an interdimensional insurance agent.  He travels throughout the multiverse settling claims on any policies meant to protect a client in one dimension from interference by any being from a different dimension.  So, as a for instance, while in our dimension back in 2016 Barack Obama was president of the United States, in another universe Adam Baldwin wasn’t just an actor but was also elected president.  So, when something from our universe threatened this alternate reality, Tom Stranger was called in by the policy owner, Adam Baldwin, to restore the balance and repair the damage.

Now Larry Correia was the originator of the Sad Puppies campaign against the SJWs of pink science fiction so tweaking liberals and other weirdos is a healthy chunk of the content and motivation for the stories.  But everyone else, including himself, Adam Baldwin and even nominal allies like President Trump come in for abuse somewhere in the story.  The only group that consistently escapes abuse are manatees.  Tom is presented exactly like the earnest insurance agent he is, humorless, efficient, extremely uncool and incorruptible.

I will say right up front that if you don’t like goofball humor and don’t appreciate pretty heavy handed SJW bashing this may not be your cup of tea.  Also, right now the book is free if you start a trial membership of Audible.  I guess if you cared to you can get it free and then cancel the trial membership. But I just bought it because I’m a trillionaire.  Otherwise it is $28 dollars which seems like a lot of money for a goofy book.  So, I’ll say that this book is definitely not for everybody.  Also Audible is one of those services where the audio file doesn’t reside on your computer but streams from their servers.  Being a geezer, this annoys the hell out of me.

Going back to the story, it’s something that I like but it has several things going for it for my tastes.  First off, I was a participant in the Puppy Wars and enjoy anything that tweaks the SF SJWs.  Secondly Larry Correia is a very funny guy and writes a really clever satire.  And finally, Adam Baldwin is great fun as the narrator.

So, there it is.  A specialty product that isn’t for everyone but satisfies a niche for a special audience.

Trump vs the Silly Season

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);

Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

 

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Mike, I can’t take it anymore.  That rat Cohen talking to Mueller is the end.  I’ve got to pull the plug on that stiff.

VPP – Mr. President, that could be a disaster for the mid-terms.

PT – I don’t care.  I’ve had it with this nonsense.  Once I fire Mueller I’ll have him indicted six ways to Sunday for all kinds of crap we’ve already got on him and then I’ll be able to get going on important stuff like that bill to move the UN from New York to Newark.  It’s such a subtle difference in pronunciation that no one will notice until the carjackings start piling up.

VPP – But Jeff Sessions said he’d resign if you fire Mueller.

PT -Who cares?  He’s utterly useless.  I had to order him to discontinue Comey’s phone plan four times before he finally got around to it.  Besides I’ve got a great new Attorney General lined up already.  And he’s between gigs so we’ll get him cheap.  Steven Seagal.

VPP – But Mr. President, isn’t Steven Seagal under investigation for rape?

PT – He’s assured me that it’s fake news.  Besides he was a sheriff down in Texas so he knows about the law.  With him as the AG we’ll finally start cleaning out the swamp.  We’ve discussed what kind of prosecutions we can get against CNN reporters who try to ask questions without being picked by me to speak.  He figures that a ten-year sentence would be fair.

VPP – Wait, no!  You can’t do that.  Freedom of the Press is in the Bill of Rights.

PT – This has nothing to do with Freedom of the Press.  It’s about jumping ahead in a line.  No one likes a line jumper.  The American people hate a line jumper and they will applaud the punishing of line jumpers.  I’m hoping I can get that worm Jim Acosta to talk out of turn.  Seagal says he’ll personally make the arrest by body slamming Acosta to the ground and tossing him out of the ring, I mean the Press Briefing Room.

VPP – Mr. President, please trust me, there is no court in the country that would even consider prosecuting reporters for shouting out a question out of turn at a press conference.

PT – Mike that’s just the kind of defeatist thing that JEB! or Romney would say.  Now Seagal is due here in a couple of hours so be ready to brainstorm with us.

VPP – But I’m sure he’s about to be indicted.

PT – Fine.  I’ll just pardon him and we can move on.  Now we’re gonna want to decide whether to just fire the whole FBI or also terminate all those alphabet soup agencies, you know, the CIA, the NSA, blah, blah, blah.  You know clear out all those losers.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s impossible.  Those agencies are critical parts of the law enforcement and security apparatus.

PT – Mike, you sound a little hysterical.  I think you should take a few weeks off and see if this job is for you.  If you’re not up to the challenge I hear that Chuck Norris is between gigs, except for that infomercial for the exercise machine with Christy Brinkley and those other old losers.  We could probably get him cheap and he could help Seagal drag Acosta down to the lock-up.  I figure they could even rough him up a good bit before handing him over to the police.  Acosta has said some pretty mean things about me in the past.  It would serve him right if they tuned him up a little bit.

VPP – Sir, this is insane.

PT – Look Mike I’m bored.  Something’s got to give.  Either you figure out how to end this Mueller thing right away or I’m bringing in Seagal.

VPP – Very well, Mr. President.  Fire Mueller and accept Jeff Sessions’ resignation.  I guess we can trust to your luck to get us through the ensuing Impeachment Trial.

PT – That’s the spirit Mike.  After all Bill Clinton was impeached and it didn’t stop him did it?

VPP – Wow.  That’s a stunning sentiment.

PT – Cheer up Mike.  If worst comes to worst you’ll be President.  That won’t be so bad will it?

VPP – Actually Mr. President, after serving with you for the last year or so, I’m not sure I want to be President anymore.

PT – Suit yourself.  If Norris isn’t available there’s always Dolph Lundgren.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could probably get him cheap.  Oh wait he’s a russky that wouldn’t look good.

VPP – Actually he’s Swedish.  He just played a Russian in Rocky IV.

PT – Whatever.  Now get me Sly Stallone on the phone.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could get him to be FBI Director for almost nothing.

VPP – Oy vey.

Trump vs 2018

Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike.  Pence!  Where the hell are you?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell.  He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.

PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy!  Tell him to stop whining.  He’s done his part.  He got the tax bill passed.  I’ll take care of everything else.  He can go back to sleep.

VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President.  But he brings up a good point.  With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?

PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?

VPP – I’d like to think I have.

PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?

VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?

PT – Of course it is.  My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists.  It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy.  I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders.  My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees.  I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana.  Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.

VPP – Is that even possible?

PT – Think big Mike.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  What dream do you have?

VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.

PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that.  It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact.  I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.

VPP – Huh, what!

PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone.  We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.

VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.

PT – That’s just a figure of speech.  We don’t need to actually shut it down.  We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.

VPP – What does that mean?

PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show.  Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000.  If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.

VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget.  That includes other line items beside salary.

PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike.  Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000.  That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department.  Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right.  I’ll have twenty managers including the department head.  And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.

VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan.  Can you get it done?

PT – Bold?  That’s just one department.  Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?

VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!

PT – Let’s hope!  Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits.  I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable.  They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them.  So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people.  And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector.  We’re about to eviscerate the beast.

VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?

PT – Of course not.  They’re part of the beast.  But that’s my job, weasel herding.  I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing.  I’m actually going to enjoy it.  Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?

VPP – I’ll do the best I can.  But this is all so strange and disorienting.  It feels almost unreal.

PT – Just the opposite.  Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers.  What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone.  Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal.  America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back.  But that’s our job.  We have to give them a chance to choose reality.

VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.

PT – Very good, you’re learning.