Just Leave the Bow Tie Home

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – It’s Friday on the News Hour and that used to mean our weekly pilgrimage over to the desk of our resident sages David Books and Jonathan Capon.  But as you know budget cuts forced us to part ways with Jonathan.  And now the second round of layoffs has done the same to David.  But all is not lost.  We have arranged a teleconference with them at their new employer the Chevy Chase branch of the Red Lobster.  Gentlemen, can you hear me.

David Books – Yes, I can.  As you can see, I’m the assistant manager here at Red Lobster and happy to have landed on my feet as it were.  And I’m relieved to say that Jonathan has escaped from the refrigerator box under the overpass and is one of my most promising new waiters.

Jonathan Capon – Well the jury is still out on this whole gig.  I was promised all the shrimp I could eat and generous tippers.  Well, the shrimp is tiny and the tips are sub-par.  But we’ll see.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – Tonight we wanted to get your sense of the Trump economy.  Last quarter’s GDP was up 3% which is quite robust but we were hoping you could throw your usual cold water on the Trump parade for our viewers’ amusement.

David Books – Well normally I’d gleefully accommodate you.  But working in retail and in a very tenuous part of it I have to say I’m praying on my knees each night before bed that Trump pulls off all the miracles he can.  Now that I’m part of the great unwashed and have lost my sinecure at your underfunded hothouse media company my whole attitude has taken a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn.  I’ve got kids in expensive private colleges and if I can’t come up with twenty grand this semester those kids will be coming home and taking over my rec-room.  So, as much as it pains me to say “God bless Donald Trump!”

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – How about you Jonathan?  Surely you must have some of your trademark snit for Trump and his economy.

Jonathan Capon – Look, I don’t have time for this.  There are fourteen orders of King Crab Legs and a giant crab cake that are starting to get cold.  If I don’t move my gay little butt pronto, I’ll be bouncing out the door on it without a paycheck.  So, make up whatever cute little anecdotes you want for your tote-bag fixated geriatric audience but for those of us below eighty we’ve got to make a living.  All I can say is thank Trump for deporting those five Congolese guys that showed up last week.  I could never have outworked them and one of them kept pinching my butt and I think he had monkey pox.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – Well, there you have it.  Trump’s American hellscape has destroyed the intelligence and the objectivity of two former beacons of cultured intellect and turned them into knuckle-dragging Trump sycophants.  A truly discouraging side-effect of the 2025 defunding of PBS.

Security Agent – Okay pal, here’s your termination notice.  We’ve got your stuff in a box so just take off the microphone and head for that door.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – David, David.  Is there room for me at the Red Lobster?

David Books – Sure Barry.  There’s always room for everyone in Donald Trump’s America.  Just leave the bow tie home.