Tag: Books and Capon

Swapping Territory

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , ,

Girl Boss Anchor – I’m here in Anchorage Alaska with my former colleague David Books.  Hello David.

David Books – Hello Girl Boss Anchor.

Girl Boss Anchor – David how were you able to get time off from Red Lobster for this remote assignment?

David Books – I’m supposed to be taste testing a large batch of King Crab legs that’s being shipped to us.

Girl Boss Anchor – How plebian.

David Books – Up yours, lady.

Girl Boss Anchor – Moving right along.  We’re here to provide commentary on the historic meeting between President Donald Trump and President Vladimir Putin as they make a vain attempt to broker a peace in Ukraine.

David Books – Well, shouldn’t you at least pretend that you want this to succeed?

Girl Boss Anchor – If you insist David.  And look Trump and Putin are walking out of the conference room smiling and laughing.  Something must be up.  Let’s listen to their statement.

Donald Trump – As President of the United States; a very great country, I am happy to announce that we have negotiated a fair and equitable solution to the Ukraine war.  And just as I said it required some territory swapping.  Right Vladimir?

Vladimir Putin – You said it, Droog!

Donald Trump – I will be in contact with President Zelensky of Ukraine and let him know that Ukraine will not have to cede any land for peace.  But it will be necessary to allow any Russian or even Ukrainian citizens who want to leave Ukraine to report to a relocation center for processing.

Girl Boss Anchor – Mr. President, are you saying that Russian speaking Ukrainians will be migrated to Russia for resettlement?

Donald Trump – Well, technically yes.  But only because these new territories will become part of Russia.

Girl Boss Anchor – What does that mean?

Donald Trump – The Ukrainian thing has been folded into a larger land deal.  You know how I enjoy real estate deals.  Well, sometimes if you combine several deals together the combination is greater than the sum of its parts.

Girl Boss Anchor – But what other deals are there?

Donald Trump – Well, you’ve probably heard that Western Canada is getting ready to vote on seceding from Canada.  That’s British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba.  And you know how I’m interested in picking up Greenland.  And you know how miserable the West Coast; California, Oregon and Washington are.  And the Northeast is just as miserable living under my presidency.  So, I’ve brokered a tentative deal.  Russia gets Alaska, the West Coast and British Columbia.  We get Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Greenland and Canada get the Northeast.  As far as I can see it’s win/win/win.

Vladimir Putin – Da!  Santa Barbara much nicer than Crimea, bah!

Donald Trump – See everybody’s happy.

David Books – What are you talking about?  That’s insane.  That would require a constitutional amendment to allow the ceding of US territory.  The Canadians will never agree to it and the Russians are our existential foes that threaten us with nuclear annihilation at the drop of a hat.  And the West Coast will never stand for Russian autocracy.

Donald Trump – Yeah, well, I made a few calls and everybody’s on board.  We can dot the i’s and cross the t’s later but shouldn’t you be down on the dock tasting crab legs Booksie?

David Books – You’ll never get away with this.  Putin is a war criminal and no one will do business with him if he tries something like this.

Donald Trump – Well I wouldn’t get him mad at you if I were you.  After all you’ll be buying Russian King Crabs from him very soon.

Vladimir Putin – Da, Booksie.  Try to keep it friendly comrade.  You wouldn’t want to see a price hike, now, would you?

David Books – I really have to take up drinking.

Girl Boss Anchor – And there you have it viewers.  Donald Trump has used insane Solomonic horse trading to recast the world we live in and apparently my choice is move to flyover country or become a Canadian, bleh.

David Books – Hey shut up!  I’m Canadian!

Girl Boss Anchor – Well viewers, good night and have an anti-depressed tomorrow.

Thinking Outside the Box

photog Current Events, Trump ,

Girl Boss Anchor – And finally as we conclude the news of the week, I’d like to go out to our former colleague Jonathan Capon and find out how the President’s new DC policy of federalizing the police and adding National Guard troops is working out there on the mean streets.

Jonathan Capon – Oh, so now you want to talk to me.  Where were you last week when my PBS credit card stopped working and the ATM ate it?  Well anyway, this week the National Guard glued a poster to the outside of our refrigerator box that said, “This illegal domicile will be removed from the public space Thursday at 5am.”  Now, whoever heard of a government job that gets going before the sun comes up?

Girl Boss Anchor – That sounds very challenging Jonathan.  How have you coped with this threat of homelessness?

Jonathan Capon – Well I started crying uncontrollably and Big Bob comforted me by slapping me six or seven times in the face.  It was like that scene in the “Asphalt Jungle” when the crooked cop starts slapping the weak hoodlum to get him to rat on his friends.  By the way, it was quite effective.

Girl Boss Anchor – That sounds awful.

Jonathan Capon – Well everything is relative.

Girl Boss Anchor – But what do you intend to do tomorrow?

Jonathan Capon – I guess start looking for a new refrigerator box and a new corner to live on.

Girl Boss Anchor – But what if Trump does this everywhere in DC?

Jonathan Capon – Well then, guess what, he better have a plan for where to put us.  Because there are thousands and thousands of us.

Girl Boss Anchor – There has been talk about reopening mental hospitals and putting the homeless and the drug addicts there.  It sounds like Nazi Germany.

Jonathan Capon – You know, maybe that doesn’t sound so bad at this point.  I’d prefer to be back at PBS or even the Red Lobster but if someone has at least realized that people living on the streets is a symptom of a bigger problem then maybe Donald Trump isn’t as evil as I made him out to be for all these years.

Girl Boss Anchor – I’ll have to say Jonathan that this may just be some kind of Stockholm syndrome you’re experiencing.

Jonathan Capon – Yeah, well, listen “pantsuit,” living out here for the last few months has given me a fresh perspective on life.  And the nuances of intersectional ideology don’t provide guidance when a naked three-hundred-pound man starts getting overly friendly with you inside a refrigerator box in the dark.  Or when someone puts a knife to your throat because you fished a half-eaten pizza out of a dumpster and he wants it.

Girl Boss Anchor – Well Jonathan, that pantsuit comment was uncalled for and it seems that being laid off by PBS has turned you into a radical MAGA ideologue so I think I’ll cut this interview short.

Jonathan Capon – Yeah, fine.  I’ve got to get going too.  Wednesday is free baths at the carwash across town and I can’t afford to miss this week.  I want to make a good impression on the National Guard.  I hear they’re taking resumes for the new ICE jobs.

Girl Boss Anchor – Fascist!

Capon Parts Ways with Red Lobster

photog Current Events, Humor , , ,

Girl Boss Anchor – And as we finish this broadcast I have heard that Jonathan Capon will be leaving Red Lobster.  Jonathan, would you like to address this development with our audience?

Jonathan Capon – Sure why not?  Well, first of all David Books brought me aboard under false pretenses.  He told them I was an illegal alien and would work for first pick of the kitchen scraps like some kind of rodent.

Second of all, the head waiter told me to “butch it up.”  And strike three, someone put up a poster of Sydney Sweeney in the locker room.  In this kind of hostile work environment I just couldn’t be my authentic self.  For all these reasons I’m going back to my refrigerator box and my crew under the overpass.  Let Books enjoy his corporate fat cat existence here at the Red Lobster but I have to be real.  I have to testify to my own lived truth.

Girl Boss Anchor – That’s interesting.  David told me you were fired because you fell asleep in the Shrimp Freezer Room and had to be chiseled off of a shelf.

Jonathan Capon – There might have been something like that but there’s more to the story that I won’t reveal until the case comes to trial.

Girl Boss Anchor – Thank you Jonathan for that interesting slice of life and we await your next assignment with great interest.

Jonathan Capon – Hey, any chance of an advance?  We need a new refrigerator box after the rains.

Girl Boss Anchor – Sorry, no.

CPB Shutting Down; Red Lobster Buried Under with Resumes

photog Current Events, Trump , , ,

Corporation for Public Broadcasting, funder of NPR and PBS, says it will end operations within months after federal budget cuts

Well, I’m guessing this doesn’t bode well for the rest of the folks downstream of CPB.  As I’ve hinted in my parody posts the folks at PBS and NPR will start feeling a little hungry very soon.  Lightening the ship by throwing the deadwood overboard will be tricky because they’re all deadwood.

But watching it happen should provide quite a bit of entertainment this fall.  Luckily Books and Capon were on the leading edge and managed to find positions before the crush got too heavy.  I’ll have to make a point of visiting my local Red Lobster and quiz my waiter on the latest in avant-garde lesbian performance art.

Just Leave the Bow Tie Home

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , ,

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – It’s Friday on the News Hour and that used to mean our weekly pilgrimage over to the desk of our resident sages David Books and Jonathan Capon.  But as you know budget cuts forced us to part ways with Jonathan.  And now the second round of layoffs has done the same to David.  But all is not lost.  We have arranged a teleconference with them at their new employer the Chevy Chase branch of the Red Lobster.  Gentlemen, can you hear me.

David Books – Yes, I can.  As you can see, I’m the assistant manager here at Red Lobster and happy to have landed on my feet as it were.  And I’m relieved to say that Jonathan has escaped from the refrigerator box under the overpass and is one of my most promising new waiters.

Jonathan Capon – Well the jury is still out on this whole gig.  I was promised all the shrimp I could eat and generous tippers.  Well, the shrimp is tiny and the tips are sub-par.  But we’ll see.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – Tonight we wanted to get your sense of the Trump economy.  Last quarter’s GDP was up 3% which is quite robust but we were hoping you could throw your usual cold water on the Trump parade for our viewers’ amusement.

David Books – Well normally I’d gleefully accommodate you.  But working in retail and in a very tenuous part of it I have to say I’m praying on my knees each night before bed that Trump pulls off all the miracles he can.  Now that I’m part of the great unwashed and have lost my sinecure at your underfunded hothouse media company my whole attitude has taken a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn.  I’ve got kids in expensive private colleges and if I can’t come up with twenty grand this semester those kids will be coming home and taking over my rec-room.  So, as much as it pains me to say “God bless Donald Trump!”

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – How about you Jonathan?  Surely you must have some of your trademark snit for Trump and his economy.

Jonathan Capon – Look, I don’t have time for this.  There are fourteen orders of King Crab Legs and a giant crab cake that are starting to get cold.  If I don’t move my gay little butt pronto, I’ll be bouncing out the door on it without a paycheck.  So, make up whatever cute little anecdotes you want for your tote-bag fixated geriatric audience but for those of us below eighty we’ve got to make a living.  All I can say is thank Trump for deporting those five Congolese guys that showed up last week.  I could never have outworked them and one of them kept pinching my butt and I think he had monkey pox.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – Well, there you have it.  Trump’s American hellscape has destroyed the intelligence and the objectivity of two former beacons of cultured intellect and turned them into knuckle-dragging Trump sycophants.  A truly discouraging side-effect of the 2025 defunding of PBS.

Security Agent – Okay pal, here’s your termination notice.  We’ve got your stuff in a box so just take off the microphone and head for that door.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – David, David.  Is there room for me at the Red Lobster?

David Books – Sure Barry.  There’s always room for everyone in Donald Trump’s America.  Just leave the bow tie home.

Books Without Capon

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Pitchman/Host – Well, that was a fascinating two-hour in-depth discussion on how a tote-bag ended its life as a cat sarcophagus for Mr. Fluffy Pants.  And now it’s time for us once again to receive our daily dose of wisdom from Books and Capon.  Well, of course only David Books is still on the set.  Jonathan Capon had to be let go due to “H.R. 4 – The Rescission Bill of 2025” stripping us of $1.1 billion of funding and reducing us to this endless round of begathons and hawking those lousy tote bags and crumby umbrellas.  Well, anyway hello David.

David Books – Hello Barry.  Actually, I will have Jonathan Capon on this episode.  We have a camera crew out on the street and they ran into him plying his new trade.  Hello Jonathan, how is your new career working out for you.

Jonathan Capon – Hello David, hello Barry.  Career?  Currently I’m living under an overpass in a refrigerator box and I have become the property of Big Bob and his “posse.”  It’s not great.  However there has been some talk about me taking classes to become a sidewalk mime.  Apparently, this would increase my status and Bob might be able to trade me to Carl who has two refrigerator boxes and rules over a corner that has a working fire hydrant.  Now that’s hope and change.  And how is the fund-raising going back there at the old place?

David Books – Well, not so good.  I thought I had my mother and sister committed on a tote-bag sale but at the last moment those cheap old bags reneged.  Now I’m reduced to cold-calling from the Manhattan reverse directory and avoiding the station manager in the hallways and elevators.  And last night when I went to get my car in the parking lot, someone scratched, “ALWAYS BE CLOSING” on the driver door.  They checked the security camera and I swear the guy looked like Donald Trump.  I’m a nervous wreck!

Jonathan Capon – Yeah, well, compared to keeping Big Bob satisfied I’d say you’re complaining about some real “first world problems” Davy boy.  Has there been any progress on having H.R. 4 rescinded and restoring us to the good old days.

David Books – No, not so much.  In fact, last week CBS cancelled Stephen Colbert and the whole Late Show.  There’s even talk about Kimmel and Fallon getting canned too.

Jonathan Capon – No!!!  How is that possible?  CBS is the Tifanny Network.  They speak truth to power and hold Trump accountable.

Pitchman/Host – Yeah, well it turns out Tifanny was losing forty-six big ones a year and Daddy’s gotta eat too.  So, we all have to do our part around here David.  Starting tomorrow we’re gonna have a little sales contest.  First prize is a corner office.  Second prize is a set of steak knives.  Third prize is you join Jonathan and Big Bob in the refrigerator box.  And another thing.  No more coffee until you sell a tote bag.  Coffee is for winners.  Losers clean the men’s room after hours.  And today is your turn, loser.

Jonathan Capon – Well David, maybe I’ll be seeing you around.  Better stock up on lifesavers.  Big Bob favors wintergreen.

Push That Tote Bag; Always Be Closing

photog Current Events, Humor , ,

Pompous News Anchor: And to round out the PBS News Hour once again we go to the peerless analysis of Books and Capon.  Good evening gentlemen.  David what effect will this recission bill have on our operation here at PBS?

David Books: Well, I think I know.  Today I received an email from upper management that stated, “Due to cutbacks in the federal funding we will have to let go half of Books and Capon.

Jonathan Capon: What?  I didn’t receive that e-mail.

David Books: Yes, they said because my name starts with a “B” and yours starts with a “C” I get preference and could decide who gets the boot.

Jonathan Capon: What?  Why that’s obvious racism and homophobia too.

David Books: Well, that’s not necessarily true.  I act pretty gay too!

Jonathan Capon: Yeah, well that’s just because you’re Canadian.  Everybody knows you have a wife and kids.

David Books: That’s a deeply anti-trans stereotype.  Why couldn’t Jenny be a trans-man?  Which would make me gay!

Jonathan Capon: Oh, give it a rest.  Look, we can’t let management cave to the Trump defunding.  We must convince them that the nation is crying out for more Books and Capon.  How can the network serve Books without Capon?  It’s unheard of.  People want their Capon.

Pompous News Anchor: Gentlemen, please show more decorum.  The bigger picture here is that we serve the American public and if some sacrifices must be made then we need to show America that we serve them selflessly.

David Books: Oh yeah?  Well, I happened to hear that your slot is being given to the blonde from Fox News that’s sleeping with the station manager.  So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Haircut!

Pompous News Anchor: Why that lying sack of ****!  I covered for him at the office party so his wife wouldn’t find out he was in the penthouse “doing inventory” with blondie!  That’s it.  I’ll be sending a couple of videos to his home as soon as I get off this stage.  I think I’ll deliver them in a PBS tote bag that won’t cost him a cent in donations!

Jonathan Capon: Oh, this is awful.  How could America do this to us?  We’ve spent the last fifty years providing Americans with all the feedback they needed to change into the kind of people that we don’t hate.  We told them that they were racists.  Then we told them that they were misogynists.  Then we told them that they were homophobes and now we’ve told them that they’re transphobes.  Without our help they wouldn’t have known all the reasons why we hate them so much.  What else did they want from us?

David Books: Well, as it turns out they wanted us to shut up.  They didn’t like any of those opinions and apparently the establishment Republicans have been lying to us all these years when they said we were making friends and influencing people with our “helpful comments.”  In fact, the pollsters have been lying to us too.  It turns out this really is a center-right country and the Left doesn’t have enough viewers to pay for public television.  So, Capon you’re gonna have to hit the road.

Jonathan Capon: But how will I earn a living?

David Brooks: Drag Queen Story Hour?

Jonathan Capon: Well, it does have the word hour in it.