Girl Boss Anchor – And finally as we conclude the news of the week, I’d like to go out to our former colleague Jonathan Capon and find out how the President’s new DC policy of federalizing the police and adding National Guard troops is working out there on the mean streets.
Jonathan Capon – Oh, so now you want to talk to me. Where were you last week when my PBS credit card stopped working and the ATM ate it? Well anyway, this week the National Guard glued a poster to the outside of our refrigerator box that said, “This illegal domicile will be removed from the public space Thursday at 5am.” Now, whoever heard of a government job that gets going before the sun comes up?
Girl Boss Anchor – That sounds very challenging Jonathan. How have you coped with this threat of homelessness?
Jonathan Capon – Well I started crying uncontrollably and Big Bob comforted me by slapping me six or seven times in the face. It was like that scene in the “Asphalt Jungle” when the crooked cop starts slapping the weak hoodlum to get him to rat on his friends. By the way, it was quite effective.
Girl Boss Anchor – That sounds awful.
Jonathan Capon – Well everything is relative.
Girl Boss Anchor – But what do you intend to do tomorrow?
Jonathan Capon – I guess start looking for a new refrigerator box and a new corner to live on.
Girl Boss Anchor – But what if Trump does this everywhere in DC?
Jonathan Capon – Well then, guess what, he better have a plan for where to put us. Because there are thousands and thousands of us.
Girl Boss Anchor – There has been talk about reopening mental hospitals and putting the homeless and the drug addicts there. It sounds like Nazi Germany.
Jonathan Capon – You know, maybe that doesn’t sound so bad at this point. I’d prefer to be back at PBS or even the Red Lobster but if someone has at least realized that people living on the streets is a symptom of a bigger problem then maybe Donald Trump isn’t as evil as I made him out to be for all these years.
Girl Boss Anchor – I’ll have to say Jonathan that this may just be some kind of Stockholm syndrome you’re experiencing.
Jonathan Capon – Yeah, well, listen “pantsuit,” living out here for the last few months has given me a fresh perspective on life. And the nuances of intersectional ideology don’t provide guidance when a naked three-hundred-pound man starts getting overly friendly with you inside a refrigerator box in the dark. Or when someone puts a knife to your throat because you fished a half-eaten pizza out of a dumpster and he wants it.
Girl Boss Anchor – Well Jonathan, that pantsuit comment was uncalled for and it seems that being laid off by PBS has turned you into a radical MAGA ideologue so I think I’ll cut this interview short.
Jonathan Capon – Yeah, fine. I’ve got to get going too. Wednesday is free baths at the carwash across town and I can’t afford to miss this week. I want to make a good impression on the National Guard. I hear they’re taking resumes for the new ICE jobs.
Girl Boss Anchor – Fascist!
pithy social comment-
That’s a quote from Bruce Hampton in an interview about his his circa 1968 album, “Music to Eat”. I’m quite certain that nobody currently on earth has heard of it and Bruce Hampton was literally insane. The quote seems relevant somehow.
A line from the album, “air masses moving eastwardly!”
Actually, your piece is amusing.
Thanks Tom. It’s funny, I have empathy even for my constructed caricatures. I guess I want to believe in a world where normalcy is reimposed that even the weirdos will benefit from a return to sanity.
I looked up Mr. Hampton. So he was part of your local music scene back in the day. Was he good?
Was he good? To certain people at certain times, yes. If you ask me to expand on that, I’ll have to plead the 5th.
General public, yeah, nah!
Ok, good enough.