Book Marketing is Hard!

Okay, so I’ve figured out how marketing books gets done.  You write what you think is a good book.  The first variable is whether it’s in a popular genre or not.  Currently the old genres like science fiction and crime are sort of old fashioned and neglected.  The popular sub-genres combine the old genres with romance or outright pornography.  Apparently, the largest segment of the book-reading population consists of frustrated women of various reading predilections but definitely needing, let us be kind and call it, “romantic” content.  Okay, that’s strike one against me already.

So, now that you have the text, you edit it or pay an editor to find grammatical errors.  Not fun but necessary.  I did it myself so it’s probably not 100% but as they say, good enough for government work.  But editors can do a lot more than find typos.  They can critique everything from character description to pacing all the way up to whether the hero rides away into the sunset with or without the beautiful girl.  I thought about hiring one of those but when I spoke to her, I didn’t really like the vibe.  I kinda thought she would object to my tone vis-à-vis blue haired antifa trolls.  So, strike two against me already.

And after that you have to set up your book page and your author page on Amazon and set up your Amazon ads and all that stuff.  I actually paid a marketer to do that stuff and I guess I got a professional result for all the money I spent.  But that doesn’t get you much in the way of visibility.  You’ll sell some hundreds of copies.  A couple of hundred would be disappointing. Six or eight hundred would be extremely good.  So I sold about four or five hundred copies.  Let’s call that a B- result.  No strike against me there.  But not the home run I wanted (if I may mix my metaphors for the moment).

After six months of dissatisfaction with the roll out of my book and viewing a multitude of YouTube videos on marketing books I had a plan to test the idea that book promotional giveaways would be a way to get the “visibility” I wanted.  So, I combined a five-day Amazon Kindle giveaway with a FreeBooksy five-day promo package.  This put my book in front of five different lists of book readers (one each day) who match up with the subject of my book.  FreeBooksy (and associated lists) claim that their lists have hundreds of thousands of readers.  So I plunked down about four hundred bucks for this plan and voila! halfway into the plan I’ve gotten over two thousand books given away.  So, I think this worked.

Now there are lots of caveats.  How many of the people who went to Amazon will end up reading the book?  How many would spend actual money to buy a sequel?  How many will bother to put up a rating or a review on Amazon?  So, the jury is still out on some aspects of this strategy but as of this morning (third day of promo) my book is number sixty (60) on the top 100 Free in Kindle Store list.  And before this I never got higher than 78,000.

Of course, once I write my sequel, I’ll have to do this whole thing over again so that people who liked “The Sniper” will buy (WITH MONEY!!!) the sequel.  But that’s alright.  Proof of concept gives me confidence that I can bring the horse to water.  It’s up to him to decide if he wants to drink (or read) Boy, these metaphors are getting really strained.  So that was what I did on my summer vacation.

Promos and Painter’s Tape

Update:

Best Sellers Rank: #100 Free in Kindle Store (!!!!!!!!)

#1 in Political Thrillers & Suspense

#2 in Military Thrillers (Kindle Store)

#2 in Technothrillers (Kindle Store)

Overall promo update total 9/10/2026, 8:00 pm 1,762 e-books

9/10/2026 8:00 pm update 1,002 e-books

Order total for 9/9/2026: 760 e-books

Today is the second day of the Based Book Sale  https://basedbooksale.substack.com/p/call-for-authors-2026-basedcon-basedand my 5-day Amazon giveaway promotion for “The Sniper” https://amazon.com/dp/B0G7WRJJPH

 

 

 

I have to work Thursday but what I’d rather do is check my Amazon dashboard every thirty seconds on day two of the promo.  Currently I’m # 286 in the Kindle Free Store.

Best Sellers Rank: #286 Free in Kindle Store
#1 in Military Thrillers (Kindle Store)
#2 in Technothrillers (Kindle Store)
#2 in Political Thrillers & Suspense

Previously the highest I ever got was # 3,692.

Of course, I have to wonder what kind of numbers the top ten are pulling.  So as of 11:30 p.m. the dashboard says 700 orders have been processes.  Interestingly one (and only one) of those orders was a paperback book bought for $9.99.  Kaching!  And even more absurd I sold one solitary page on Kindle Unlimited today.  I think that’s about $0.005.

Well, this is panning out better than I expected.  At this rate I guess I should have a few thousand orders when all is said and done.  So, let’s say the first step is on course to be completed successfully.

Now comes the part that is completely unknown.  Will having a few thousand copies of my book out in the world improve sales?  According to the experts, it should.  Of course, assuming the promo readers like it.  If they don’t like it then maybe it will actually decrease my sales.  But currently I’m sort of in the dark about what to look for and how quickly I should expect any reaction to the promo.  But, being an engineer, I will immediately start building a spread sheet and perform a statistical analysis comparing the pre-promo and post-promo sales numbers.  I’ll submit the report to the ghosts of the “Big Three” (Asimov, Clarke and Heinlein) and await their comments.  But I will say I think I’ve acquitted myself of my responsibilities vis-à-vis marketing my book.  From now on it’s up to the big dumb reading public out there to hear about my book and buy it.  The free ride will be over after September 13th and they’ll have to plunk down ten US simoleons ($9.99) for a paperback or a fin ($4.99) for an imaginary copy.  I think I’ve been more than generous with my promos and price reductions and general easy-going attitude about receiving the moolah.  So, wake up readers, you’re on notice!

My biggest real problem is that my lawn mowers are both on the side lines.  The ride-on mower needs an oil change (since last year) but I’m too lazy and disorganized to do it.  So, I’ve been using my 2016-vintage Murray 20” walk-behind mower with Side Discharge, 7” wheels, and Briggs & Stratton 300E series 125 cc OHV engine.  But the damn thing is falling apart at the seams.  The lower handle is wobbling around and the wheels look like they’re gonna fall off.  But being the lazy good for nothing I am, instead of tightening it up, I took some painters tape and tried to hold the lower handle onto the sleeve that it fits into.  You know, it didn’t work.  So, after work tomorrow I’m going to try and reshape the lower handle so it wants to fit into the sleeves.  If that fails, I’ll probably go to Home Depot and buy a new one.  After all, this one has been working continuously through the era of Trump and that is not an easy thing to do, I can tell you that.

September 9th Begins the Promotion for The Sniper

Updates:

Time Orders
9:30 AM 100
11:00 AM 212
2:45 PM 400
8:00 PM 604
11:30 PM 700

At 9:30 a.m. I broke through the 100 order mark.  Not bad.  So far, all have been e-books but that’s the point of this exercise; visibility.  Excelsior!

Based Book Sale

 

Image

September 9th is the beginning of the Based Book Sale and also of a promotion I have set up on Amazon for five days of free e-books for “The Sniper.”  And this is the perfect audience for my book.  These are the people who the book was written for.  These are people who won’t be shocked that my protagonists’ enemies are antifa thugs and leftist color revolution spooks.  In any other “science fiction” book sale, the number of blue-haired feminists in the audience will be considerable.  But not here.

And as a great kickoff, the leader of the sale, Hans G. Schantz, bought a copy of my book and wrote a five-star review that was extremely fair, well-written and cogent (see below).  In fact, it makes me wish I had involved him in the early marketing of my book!

Hans G. Schantz

5.0 out of 5 stars A Satisfying Vigilante/Revenge Thriller

Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2026

Format: Kindle Verified Purchase

“The Sniper is an unapologetic vigilante thriller built around a simple and satisfying premise: what happens when the system fails completely, and men with the means to do something about it decide they’ve had enough?

Joseph Boghadair begins with a deeply personal grievance: the murder of his son and the failure of the authorities to deliver justice. But his private vendetta soon expands into something much larger as he and billionaire Paul Connors uncover corruption reaching deep into the federal government. Revenge becomes resistance, and resistance ultimately becomes armed revolt against a government that has forfeited its claim to obedience.

That escalation is the book’s great appeal. Boghadair isn’t waiting for another investigation, another hearing, or another election. He is a former Army sniper who knows exactly what he can do with a rifle, while Connors possesses the wealth and resources to turn one man’s vendetta into a genuine challenge to entrenched power. There is something viscerally satisfying about watching supposedly untouchable people discover that they are not, in fact, untouchable.

Does it get far-fetched? Certainly. The conspiracy is enormous, the resources brought to bear are extraordinary, and events eventually operate on a scale well beyond the plausible consequences of an ordinary vigilante story. But realism isn’t really the point. The Sniper is political wish-fulfillment in the tradition of the revenge thriller: a story about what might happen if decent men confronted tyranny not with petitions and procedural niceties, but with overwhelming force.

Taken on those terms, it works. Fast-moving, cathartic, and refreshingly willing to follow its premise to its logical extreme, The Sniper delivers a satisfying tale of revenge escalating into rebellion, with bad men finally discovering that actions have consequences.”

Simultaneously I have five days of promotion of the Amazon giveaway with a company called Written Word Media that maintains a number of reader lists among which is something called FreeBooksy which (as you can guess) sends notification to its hundreds of thousands of users, the names of books that are free on Amazon that day.  And they have a package with five different lists to cover the five days of my giveaway.

So theoretically hundreds of thousands of readers can see my promotion and get my book from Amazon.  What will it actually turn out to be?  Well, we shall certainly see soon enough.  As an absolute minimum there will be at least twenty or thirty downloaders.  I’ve previously done a promotion and without any outside notification that number of Amazon readers will download the book every day.  But if that is the extent of the interest, I will be extremely disappointed.  Realistically, I’m hoping for several hundred downloads.  That would be acceptable.  But I’ll be honest.  What I’m really looking for is something north of a thousand total downloads.  That I believe would qualify as a real success for the promotion.

So, for the next five days I’ll be clicking on my dashboards on Kindle Direct Publishing every thirty seconds trying to psychically persuade everyone on the Based Book Sale, the Amazon site and FreeBooksy to download my book and then write breathless glowing reviews about the incredible plot, unforgettable characters and general literary splendor of this inimitable masterpiece.

Out of the way peons!  World famous author walking by!  Please no free autographs!

Yo, Poe!

Yesterday I talked about an old collection of short stories that I keep around.  Now two of those stories are Poe’s “The Telltale Heart” and “The Cask of Amontillado.”  And I will say those are among his best.  But after writing the post last night it got me thinking about Poe, about his body of work.  Now without a doubt he was a very talented writer and poet.  But what about the bulk of his work?  Did it maintain a uniform quality?  This question interested me.

So, I took down my 1935 edition of “Tales of Mystery and Imagination by Edgar Allan Poe with Illustrations by Harry Clarke,” and attempted to remind myself of what Poe has left us of his talent.  And so, this will ignore his poetry; “The Raven” and his other gems which have their own charms but are mostly outside of my purview.

  • Found in a Bottle
  • Berenice
  • Morella
  • Some Passages in the Life of a Lion (Lionizing)
  • The Assignation
  • Bon-Bon
  • King Pest
  • Metzengerstein
  • Silence
  • A Descent into the Maelström
  • Ligeia
  • The Fall of the House of Usher
  • William Wilson
  • The Conversation of Eiros and Charmion
  • The Man of the Crowd
  • The Murders in the Rue Morgue
  • The Mystery of Marie Rogêt
  • The Colloquy of Monos and Una
  • The Masque of the Red Death
  • The Pit and the Pendulum
  • The Tell-Tale Heart
  • The Gold Bug
  • The Black Cat
  • The Spectacles
  • The Premature Burial
  • The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar
  • The Oblong Box
  • The Cask of Amontillado
  • Landor’s Cottage

Now a quick count told me I hadn’t read even half of these stories.  Looking at the stories I had read I could confirm that Poe was not pigeonholed into a narrow genre.  The “Gold Bug” and “the Murders in the Rue Morgue” were completely removed from his more fantastical stories like “The Fall of the House of Usher” or “The Masque of the Red Death.”  And something like “The Pit and the Pendulum” or “A Descent into the Maelström” were something else completely different.  All they do share is his style (or maybe voice).  He’s constantly adding touches to the story and the scene and the characters and their words.  Sometimes he overdoes it and the story reels out as this drunken lord of language adds embellishment onto embellishment, like in “Some Passages in the Life of a Lion (Lionizing)”:

“We were all lions and recherchs.

There was a modern Platonist. He quoted Porphyry, Iamblicus, Plotinus, Proclus, Hierocles, Maximus Tyrius, and Syrianus.

There was a human-perfectibility man. He quoted Turgot, Price, Priestly, Condorcet, De Stael, and the “Ambitious Student in Ill Health.”

There was Sir Positive Paradox. He observed that all fools were philosophers, and that all philosophers were fools.

There was stheticus Ethix. He spoke of fire, unity, and atoms; bi-part and pre-existent soul; affinity and discord; primitive intelligence and homomeria.

There was Theologos Theology. He talked of Eusebius and Arianus; heresy and the Council of Nice; Puseyism and consubstantialism; Homousios and Homouioisios.

There was Fricasse from the Rocher de Cancale. He mentioned Muriton of red tongue; cauliflowers with velout sauce; veal à la St. Menehoult; marinade à la St. Florentin; and orange jellies en mosaïques.

There was Bibulus O’Bumper. He touched upon Latour and Markbrünnen; upon Mousseux and Chambertin; upon Richbourg and St. George; upon Haubrion, Leonville, and Medoc; upon Barac and Preignac; upon Grâve, upon Sauterne, upon Lafitte, and upon St. Peray. He shook his head at Clos de Vougeot, and told, with his eyes shut, the difference between Sherry and Amontillado.

There was Signor Tintontintino from Florence. He discoursed of Cimabu, Arpino, Carpaccio, and Argostino – of the gloom of Caravaggio, of the amenity of Albano, of the colors of Titian, of the frows of Rubens, and of the waggeries of Jan Steen.

There was the President of the Fum-Fudge University. He was of opinion that the moon was called Bendis in Thrace, Bubastis in Egypt, Dian in Rome, and Artemis in Greece. There was a Grand Turk from Stamboul. He could not help thinking that the angels were horses, cocks, and bulls; that somebody in the sixth heaven had seventy thousand heads; and that the earth was supported by a sky-blue cow with an incalculable number of green horns.

There was Delphinus Polyglott. He told us what had become of the eighty-three lost tragedies of Æschylus; of the fifty-four orations of Isus; of the three hundred and ninety-one speeches of Lysias; of the hundred and eighty treatises of Theophrastus; of the eighth book of the conic sections of Apollonius; of Pindar’s hymns and dithyrambics; and of the five and forty tragedies of Homer Junior.

There was Ferdinand Fitz-Fossillus Feltspar. He informed us all about internal fires and tertiary formations; about eriforms, fluidiforms, and solidiforms; about quartz and marl; about schist and schorl; about gypsum and trap; about talc and calc; about blende and horn-blende; about mica-slate and pudding-stone; about cyanite and lepidolite; about hematite and tremolite; about antimony and calcedony; about manganese and whatever you please.

There was myself. I spoke of myself; – of myself, of myself, of myself; – of Nosology, of my pamphlet, and of myself. I turned up my nose, and I spoke of myself.”

Now, obviously Poe is having a good time here trying to impress us with the lengths to which he would stretch the absurdity of his little conceit.  Interestingly in the section above about “Bibulus O’Bumper” I notice he threw in the word “Medoc” and the phrase “the difference between Sherry and Amontillado.”  These would show up again in “The Cask of Amontillado.”  So, it seems like his stories may bubble up ex tempore from the contents of his normal life and he just applies the details to decorate the plots.  Obviously, he is an educated and cultured man.  What is interesting is how he can apply this knowledge base to the most fantastical and bizarre stories.  Premature burial and murderous orangutans stalking the streets of Paris and a plague spreading ghost in a masked costume.

Of course, Poe has his problems.  His stories are closing in on two hundred years of age and sometimes the prose looks a little stilted.  Not always mind you.  The “Telltale Heart” reads like modern English for the most part.  But there are some stories that feel antique mostly because of the use of some literary conventions that just aren’t used anymore.  But all in all, Poe is still an author that a modern audience can read for pleasure.

And I think I’m going to read through his tales again, or in some cases, for the first time.  I’d like to decide just where he fits in the pantheon.  Let’s see.

The Road Less Travelled – Part 7

Roger’s sleep was haunted by dreams where he was chased by shoggoths that seemed to mock him by matching his speed and keeping within reach of their tentacles that flicked at the back of his neck and his flailing hands.  Their cries echoed in his ears and when one finally gripped his wrist and spun him to face his pursuer the raw panic woke him from this nightmare.

After assuring himself that no real danger was imminent, he consciously steadied his breathing and formulated his plan for getting back to the tunnel leading to Dunwich.  Rather than chance a sprint back to where he believed it was, he decided on the painstaking but “safe” option of stopping at each tunnel and waiting for a shoggoth to activate the “shoggoth exclusion principle” before proceeding to the next step.  And he congratulated himself.  And not just mentally.  His calm had been so thoroughly cracked that he found himself muttering his thoughts out loud, “That’s smart Roger, that’s right, that’s how we’ll do it!”

So, employing this smeagolian dialectic technique he steeled himself for the return trek.  And after a few minutes a protective shoggoth appeared and as soon as it exited the open circle Roger stepped into the open and tensed for his dash.  And barely avoided running into the side of a shoggoth emerging from his destination.  The screeching monster shot past him heading to his left.  Roger froze and held his breath.  Unsurprisingly there was no hint of annoyance at the collapse of his exclusion principle theory.  But fifty feet beyond him the living nightmare stopped its forward motion and let out a new sound, a rumbling roar that split the air.  It spun around.  Shivering from head to toe, Roger swallowed his fear and took off as fast as his legs would carry him to where he imagined the Dunwich tunnel opened.  He could hear the shoggoth bellow again but all he could do was aim for the tunnel entrance and pump his legs.  Maybe it took fifteen seconds.  Roger reached the entrance and made the turn.  And what he saw was a window.  He had guessed wrong.  This wasn’t the Dunwich tunnel.  What he could see was dying red light and mountain walls.  He hesitated at the brink.  But just then the shoggoth slammed into the tunnel behind him and Roger leaped through the looking glass.  He rolled onto sandy ground and started running again as fast as his heart and lungs could provide.  And right behind him came the shoggoth trumpeting its chase.  It was only a few feet behind Roger when it shot out a tentacle and snagged his wrist.  As in his dream he was spun around by the pull on his arm and crashed to the suddenly hard ground facing his pursuer.  He felt none of the pain in his back from the crash but stared in horror as the monster formed a gaping mouth full of teeth.  He heard the triumphant bellow of the creature.  But then he heard another bellow.  It was familiar but he couldn’t place it in the desperate scene he currently inhabited but it got steadily louder.  And then he remembered.  It was an air horn.  The tractor-trailer hit the shoggoth broad side at about eighty-five miles an hour.  The driver hadn’t seen the creature because an outcrop of Nevadan red rock obstructed his view at a curve of the road.  His truck was filled with a shipment of refrigerated beef and the vehicle punched a pretty convincing hole right through the gelatinous protoplasm of the unsuspecting hell-spawn.  On impact, the tentacle holding Roger released him so he was still facing the mouth of the shoggoth but it seemed to have lost interest in him after its evisceration.  And as he watched, the flesh of the beast began to steam in the air and evaporate before his eyes.  It was sunset and, in the distance, he could see the lights of Las Vegas brightening an otherwise darkening sky.  He staggered away from the blacktop of the highway and slowly trudged toward the now stopped truck.

He could hear himself saying, “Now, how am I going to explain all this?”  And then he started laughing hysterically.

The Road Less Travelled – Part 6

Peeking out of the tunnel entrance, Roger, tried to convince himself that his sensory organs were telling him that it was safe to dash the ten feet to the next entrance.  But just as he was about to bolt across, the screech of a shoggoth assaulted his ears and sent him scurrying back.  Once again, he forced himself forward in the tunnel and this time he resolved to wait for a shoggoth to transit before he made the dash.  Of course, nothing showed up for what seemed an eternity allowing his nerves to slowly tighten but this time when the screech happened Roger steeled himself for the run.  And as soon as the monster vanished, he made his move.

The short run was barely a few seconds and when no screech immediately followed, he felt almost giddy with relief.  Now he began to explore the new space he had reached.  Just as for his original tunnel the passage made a ninety-degree bend but there the resemblance ended.  After about three feet the tunnel reached a glass wall.  At least that’s what it looked like.  It was a ten-foot circle that looked like a window into a black void.  Roger stared at this anomaly, slightly afraid to get too close.  But eventually impatience drove him closer and he gingerly tried to touch its surface with the tip of the cudgel he still held.  The surface provided a slight resistance but eventually the wooden rod began to penetrate the surface.  He could see it protruding into the void but the view didn’t provide any hint about what the other side of the window contained.  Finally, he pulled the cudgel out again and looked at it.  Nothing much seemed to have happened to it.  It wasn’t much colder or warmer and there wasn’t any residue on it.  So, he very carefully pushed his hand through the wall but almost immediately he felt a throbbing pain in his hand and he pulled it out.  That convinced him this wasn’t his escape route.

So now by the same methodology, he reached and explored a series of these tunnels and their associated “windows” one after the other.  Each time he waited for a shoggoth to transit and then he rushed to the next tunnel.  Somehow, he had convinced himself that each shoggoth transit precluded any other shoggoth intrusion.  He tentatively named it the “shoggoth exclusion principle” and promised himself to announce it in a scientific paper in whatever was the proper scientific journal in which to record details of shoggoth natural history.  Perhaps, Nature or Scientific American or maybe the National Enquirer.

Each window looked out on a vista that was equally unsuitable for his escape.  Sometimes he could see a celestial disaster like a black hole surrounded by an accretion disk formed from the corpse of a stellar companion.  Once he saw a tropical jungle filled with crocodile-sized insects and arachnids chasing amphibians through the watery forest floor.  And one view showed him a desert world under a dying red sun.  The ruins of a megalithic city were visible in the distance but no life was apparent.

After this last failure Roger sat down on the tunnel floor and closed his eyes to rest.  He was starting to feel the effects of hunger, exhaustion and lack of sleep.  He was also starting to despair.  Reasoning about what he should do he decided that he would give up and head back to Dunwich.  As bad as it was, at least it was Earth.  It was even New England in a creepy way.  Having come to this decision he closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep.

The Road Less Travelled – Part 5

The cave was rough-hewn granite that had no man-made supports or reinforcements showing but did not strike Roger as a natural object.  The smell, which seemed of an animal nature grew progressively more oppressive as he moved forward.  Eventually he also heard or felt a “power hum” that also increased in strength.  After about a half hour of walking the tunnel ahead grew lighter.  But there was no light source, or rather, the cave walls began to glow to such an extent that he was willing to turn off his flashlight.  And now he could see symbols of some sort carved into the rocks.  They seemed to be hieroglyphs of some sort, but with outlandish creatures pictured.  There were winged dragons with squid-like heads and amorphous blobs covered with eyes and tentacles.  These recalled Lovecraft’s nightmare stories and once again got him thinking that this was all some elaborate cosplay event.  But this comforting idea was short-lived.  Because the tunnel took a sudden ninety degree turn and then opened into a tremendous circular shaped space surrounded by hundreds of tunnel entrances just like the one, he had just emerged from.  And here the power hum and smell increased markedly again.

This turn of events had a complicated effect on Roger.  The scope of the tunnel system made Roger very nervous but it also let him hope that he was halfway out of the mountain now.  He was just about decided that the best course of action was to leave the shelter of his entrance way and walk across the open area to enter the opening that was diametrically across from him.  But suddenly the power hum reached a crescendo and from one of the caves to his left something streaked across the ground and disappeared into another cave entrance.  It was only visible for about ten seconds but Roger was pretty sure it was what the picture of the amorphous blob with all the eyes and tentacles was supposed to represent.  It was about ten feet in diameter and while it traversed the opening it had made a horrible screeching noise that forced Roger to cover his ears with both hands.  He ran back into his tunnel entrance and cowered against the wall.  Thinking back to the Lovecraft stories he had read, he recalled the name shoggoth.  But the name didn’t help him process what he had just seen.  His whole mind was suffused with a paralyzing horror of the thing that had flashed by in front of him.  Fear and revulsion gripped him and even the idea of going back into the open threatened to throw him into a blind panic and force him to run back down the tunnel.

Slowly Roger got himself under control and faced the fact that he needed to take one of the tunnels to escape the place he was in.  But he decided that crossing the whole circle was too risky and instead he would go to the nearest entrance to his right and proceed from there until he found the most likely tunnel to get him back to the sane word he came from.  But what if the tunnel had a shoggoth?

The Road Less Travelled – Part 4

When the large man with the cudgel said that last line, “Or maybe you won’t be nowhere at all,” something snapped in Roger’s head.  He launched himself at his tormentor and knocked him to the ground.  Wrenching the weapon from the fallen man he proceeded to pummel him to head and body until the victim was curled up in a fetal posture trying to protect his head.

“Not so funny now, is it, Jethro Bodine.  If you don’t want your head splattered over this ground you better start telling me how I can get the hell out of this Twilight Zone episode.”  With the attack suspended, the man on the ground looked up in terror and said, “Mistah, you’ve got me mixed up with someone else.  My name ain’t Jethro.  I’m Josiah Whateley.  Your troubles are caused by the Great Old Ones and their control of the door to the abyss.”  With this Josiah squinted and tried to look knowing.  So, Roger started wailing on him again saying, “Yeah well whatever your name is you better start thinking of a way out of here before I run out of new places to hit you on the head.”

The wounded wizard begged mercy and promised to help Roger find his escape route.  With Whateley hobbling along, holding the side of his head with his left hand, Roger followed closely along as they descended the mount.  All around them the woods were alive with batrachian trills and croaks and the howls of unspecified creatures.  But Roger paid no heed.  He just nudged Josiah in the back with the club if the pace slowed too much.

When they reached the foot of the hillside Roger asked which way was the road and Whateley said, “It’s not a road.  There’s a cave that runs through Round Mountain.  Nobody who went in evah came back out.  But the story runs that it leads to the Great Old Ones’ doors.  If you go theah, you might find a way home.  But I won’t come with yah.  You can kill me but all I’ll do is show you the entrance to the cave.”

Roger looked with confusion and nervousness at the clearly frightened man and said, “Show me the way, now!”  After about a half hour of walking in the bog they came to a crack in the hill that exhaled a faint phosphorescent green mist.  Whateley pointed to the crack but would not approach the opening.  As Roger sized up the tight opening Whateley ran off at surprising speed and was gone before Roger could respond.

The mist coming from the opening was sickly sweet and made Roger light-headed.  He feared that it might be toxic or at least an asphyxiant and was paralyzed by indecision.  But when the noises around him began to grow louder and more menacing, he took a deep breath and entered the cave.  For the first fifty feet it was barely wide enough for him to slip his body sideways through the crack.  But then it began to widen until he could barely touch both walls with his arms extended straight out.  The phosphorescence was almost useless to see by so he crawled along a foot at a time.  But then he laughed nervously and remembered he had his flashlight in his pocket.  So, with a nervous smile on his face, he switched on the light and headed into the lair of the Great Old Ones.

The Road Less Travelled – Part 3

Roger stood there staring at the door for about thirty seconds.  Everything about this talk had been confusing and troubling.  The man’s appearance and speech seemed like something from a century before.  And the claim that there were no roads anywhere near seemed outlandish.  And claiming never to have heard of Route 20 was ridiculous.  “Could he have been putting me on for spite?  But what sense did that make?  He’s never met me before.  Was it just because I trespassed on his property and bothered him?”  These were the thoughts that raced through Roger’s mind standing in front of the closed door.  Then walking back to his car, he decided the only sane thing to do was to ride back down the path till he got to Becket.  So, he turned around and headed back.  And he saw how the road narrowed again and sank below the level of the surrounding land.  But after less than twenty minutes he could see the sky ahead darken and eventually the path reached the promised mountain and ended in a boggy stream bed.

“Should I go back to the farmhouse?  Should I leave the car and walk till I find a house here?”  Looking at his gas gage he saw that the answer had already been made for him.  So, he got out of the car and decided to head up the incline toward where he thought the summit was.  It was somewhat steep but even in the dark he could see the path by the light of the rising moon.  And as he hiked, about every few minutes he thought he could hear stray noises like footfalls somewhere behind him.  But when he looked around, he could never see anyone there.  An hour later he reached the summit.  But the environs didn’t look like where he thought he was.  There were low hills and fields and forested land but no major roads or the lights of suburban or even rural New England.  The darkness was profound.  As if electricity and automobiles didn’t even exist here.  And this realization cracked something in him.  It wasn’t exactly panic.  It was an icy hopelessness in the pit of his stomach.  He knew he was impossibly far from home.  And by home he meant a universe where everything he knew about the world existed.  That world had disappeared without a trace.

And now he could hear the footsteps behind him clearly and looking down the path he could clearly see the man from the farmhouse walking toward him.  He was walking with a very stout walking stick, really a cudgel.  And he was heading directly toward Roger.  Roger braced himself and faced his pursuer.  He looked around for a weapon and found nothing.

“Well, stranger, do you believe me now?  Where’s your “route twenty” now?  It looks like you aren’t going nowhere.  You’re here and you’ll stay here with the rest of us.”  Then he tapped his stick on the ground and said, “Or maybe you won’t be nowhere at all.”

The Road Less Travelled – Part 2

“Dunwich?”  And then he remembered Lovecraft had that story, “The Dunwich Horror.”  “Are the locals cosplaying cosmic horror in the woods of New England?”  Suddenly he felt a lot less afraid of what he had seen in that few seconds of flash lit forest.

Suddenly he saw a light in the distance and he drove on.  Presently he could see it was a light in a building possibly a farmhouse and now he was starting to feel a little silly about the fear he had surrendered to back in the woods.  Pretty soon the path began to resemble a road again and Roger began to think that he was literally “out of the woods” and back on track.  When he was within a hundred yards of the house, he noticed that the road seemed to become a private driveway and ended at the front of the house.  Roger wondered if there was a real road around the back of the house and he decided to park and ask for directions to his destination.  When he got out of his car, he walked the last fifty feet to the door and not seeing any bell he knocked.

After a few minutes of nothing, he knocked again only louder and four or five times.  This produced results.  He could distinctly hear heavy footsteps on a staircase inside the house. And then the door opened slowly.  There was very little light inside the house but Roger could make out the general appearance of the man who opened the door.  He was quite tall, about six foot three, he had shoulder length hair and his clothing was either a costume or vintage clothing from the early 1900s.  His expression was very odd.  Not exactly threatening but scowling and suspicious, “What ya want heah?  This is private property.  How did you get on my road?”

Roger tried to explain, “Sorry to bother you but I got turned around getting off Route 20 near Becket in the Berkshires and I somehow ended up on a trail that led me to your house.  If you could direct me to the main highway I’ll get out of your hair right now.”  The man’s demeanor seemed to change.  A guarded smile appeared on his face and he looked at Roger and Roger’s car very intently.  He said, “Mistah you’re a lot more lost than you think.  That path you came down doesn’t lead anywhere at all.  It runs smack into the base of Round Mountain.  And there ain’t no automobile road other than my driveway.  There was a plan which it was the beginning of but it was abandoned years ago.  The only way out of here is on foot.”

Now it was Roger’s turn to scowl, “What do you mean that path dead ends at a mountain?  I just got here on it coming from Route 20.”  The man smirked at Roger and said, “What is this “Route 20” you keep goin’ on about.  I never heard of it.  If yer sah sure that path will get you out then turn round and head off my property right now.”  And with that the man slammed the door and Roger could hear his retreating tread.