Pompous News Anchor: And to round out the PBS News Hour once again we go to the peerless analysis of Books and Capon. Good evening gentlemen. David what effect will this recission bill have on our operation here at PBS?
David Books: Well, I think I know. Today I received an email from upper management that stated, “Due to cutbacks in the federal funding we will have to let go half of Books and Capon.
Jonathan Capon: What? I didn’t receive that e-mail.
David Books: Yes, they said because my name starts with a “B” and yours starts with a “C” I get preference and could decide who gets the boot.
Jonathan Capon: What? Why that’s obvious racism and homophobia too.
David Books: Well, that’s not necessarily true. I act pretty gay too!
Jonathan Capon: Yeah, well that’s just because you’re Canadian. Everybody knows you have a wife and kids.
David Books: That’s a deeply anti-trans stereotype. Why couldn’t Jenny be a trans-man? Which would make me gay!
Jonathan Capon: Oh, give it a rest. Look, we can’t let management cave to the Trump defunding. We must convince them that the nation is crying out for more Books and Capon. How can the network serve Books without Capon? It’s unheard of. People want their Capon.
Pompous News Anchor: Gentlemen, please show more decorum. The bigger picture here is that we serve the American public and if some sacrifices must be made then we need to show America that we serve them selflessly.
David Books: Oh yeah? Well, I happened to hear that your slot is being given to the blonde from Fox News that’s sleeping with the station manager. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Haircut!
Pompous News Anchor: Why that lying sack of ****! I covered for him at the office party so his wife wouldn’t find out he was in the penthouse “doing inventory” with blondie! That’s it. I’ll be sending a couple of videos to his home as soon as I get off this stage. I think I’ll deliver them in a PBS tote bag that won’t cost him a cent in donations!
Jonathan Capon: Oh, this is awful. How could America do this to us? We’ve spent the last fifty years providing Americans with all the feedback they needed to change into the kind of people that we don’t hate. We told them that they were racists. Then we told them that they were misogynists. Then we told them that they were homophobes and now we’ve told them that they’re transphobes. Without our help they wouldn’t have known all the reasons why we hate them so much. What else did they want from us?
David Books: Well, as it turns out they wanted us to shut up. They didn’t like any of those opinions and apparently the establishment Republicans have been lying to us all these years when they said we were making friends and influencing people with our “helpful comments.” In fact, the pollsters have been lying to us too. It turns out this really is a center-right country and the Left doesn’t have enough viewers to pay for public television. So, Capon you’re gonna have to hit the road.
Jonathan Capon: But how will I earn a living?
David Brooks: Drag Queen Story Hour?
Jonathan Capon: Well, it does have the word hour in it.
Thumbs up for that, thanks. That’s barely a stretch.
For the last month I’ve been watching clips of their commentary. It’s insufferable. I hope they do get the ax. But it’s too much to hope for.