Tag: right-wing humor

SODT

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Therapist – So let’s welcome our new friend Scott Pelley and start by going around the circle and introduce ourselves.

Acosta – Hi I’m Jim and I’ve hated Trump for about ten years.

Pelley – Hi Jim

Moran – Hi I’m Terry and I hate all haters!

Pelley – Hi Terry.

Lemon – I’m Don and I’ve hated Trump since I was a kid and saw what kinds of atrocious ties he wore.

Pelley – Hi Don.

Reid – I’m Joy and I’ve hated Trump from the womb.

Pelley – Hi Joy.

Cuomo – Hi I’m Chris and I don’t hate anyone.  I’m just looking for a new gig.  Scott, what’s available at CBS.

Pelley – Scoundrel!

Therapist – So who has had a breakthrough this week?

Lemon – Me, me, pick me!

Therapist – Okay Don what would you like to share?

Lemon – Well, it came to me last night that in just two years this whole nightmare will end and the world will go back to the way it was in 2015 and I’ll be rich, famous and sassy again.

Therapist – Why do you think that?

Lemon – Well, obviously Donald Trump will be out of office and the Democrats will be in charge again and they will reverse all of Trump’s damage and restore all of us to the glamour and wealth that we enjoyed under Barack Obama.

Therapist – Does anyone else believe that?

(Everyone’s hands go up immediately)

Therapist – (rubbing his face with both hands) I see we still have a lot of work to do here.  As much as you feel that Donald Trump is the root of all your problems you must realize that this is a very different world from 2016.  Things have moved on.  Your industry has changed.  The internet has disrupted journalism permanently.

Reid – That’s a lie!  MS-NBC will be begging to get me back.  I’ll have a ten million dollar annual and I’ll have a bigger office than Maddow that closet racist!

Cuomo – Don’t you mean MS NOW?  And why would they want you back after what you’ve been saying about them?

Reid – Shut your face Chris, you always were a closet racist.  All of you are closet racists, even you Lemon!

Lemon – Girlfriend, have you gone crazy?  We can’t start attacking each other.  That’s what Trump wants.

Reid – Oh shut up.  I’m sick and tired of blogging on my sub-stack.  Nobody reads the damn things and so far, this month I’ve made eleven dollars and forty-two cents in subscriptions.  (breaks down crying) I want my old life back.   WAAAAAAAAAH!

Therapist – Please Joy, don’t slip into that mode of thought.  We mustn’t dwell on the past.  We must embrace the future and new opportunities.

Pelley – He’s right Joy.  We all have a bright future.  We don’t need MS-NBC or CBS.  We’re smart and we’re strong.  We have skills and are only waiting for the right opportunity to put them to work.  Listen, all of you, I’ve decided that it’s time to start something big.  Why, with all the talent that’s gathered right here we could set the journalism world on fire.  Why, Jim and Terry could be our Washington correspondents.  Don and Chris could handle the entertainment desk and Joy you handle the social justice watch while I can be the executive producer.

Cuomo – What kind of venture capital can you put together?  Can you cover a two year burn through?

Pelley – I was hoping we could all cover our own expenses until it got up and running.

(Everyone including the therapist start laughing maniacally and cross over into tears.)

Therapist – Scott, thanks for that moment of levity.  It’s really important to keep a sense of humor during depression.

Pelley – But I wasn’t kidding!

Therapist – Well then, you’re not ready for this group yet.  SODT stands for “Survivors of Donald Trump” and by definition, you can’t be completely delusional and say things like that.  Why don’t you try hanging out with Kamala until the crazy wears off.  Close the door on the way out, will you?

Snott Smelley – Journalist

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Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.  And it goes without saying (although I will say it) good evening too to Ms. America and to all the pronouns that represent the gorgeous mosaic that is America in 2026.

I come to you tonight, not on the Sunday, 8pm 60 Minutes program where I belong but from my “man cave” in the basement of my home.  I have followed various YouTube videos and purchased the hardware and materials to assemble my very own television studio.  I will “upload” this video to YouTube, as the kids say, and get my story out to the world.  You might think that the recent interview with the New York Times would have set the record straight about the outrageous, fascistic and catastrophic events going on at CBS but I sensed that just as at CBS, the New York Times is now also being censored by the Trump administration and I must get the word out before the thought police have a chance to shut down all dissent.

And because I was trained in the Socratic Method in journalism school, I will structure this podcast as an interview between me and myself.  For the sake of clarity, whenever I am asking the questions as the interviewer, I will wear a hat with the letter J on it to show I am the journalist.  And when I am answering the questions, I will wear a hat with the letter S that stands for “source” and also Snott since that is my name.  Here we go.

J – Thank you, intrepid whistleblower for daring to blow the whistle on Donald Trump, The Ellisons and Bari Weiss while they lay waste to a once magnificent journalistic miracle, 60 Minutes.

S – Thank you for acknowledging my bravery and for building this state-of-the-art studio on such short notice.

J – What was the hardest part of speaking truth to power during your harrowing ordeal with those destroyers of free speech and haters of freedom of the press.

S – I would say that the worst of it was not being allowed to document my firing for an upcoming segment of 60 Minutes.  I would say off the top of my head that truth dies in darkness and unless I’m allowed to produce a fourteen-part series that covers every facet of the coup currently being perpetrated against this land of liberty I can’t see the world surviving for more than a few more weeks.

J – Will you make this series available to the American public.

S – I’m glad you asked that question journalist.  At the bottom of this video there will be a post office address.  If you send me a check for $1,400, you will receive a full set of 14 DVDs (or VHS tapes).  Or you can send $200 for each episode separately but that will be less economical.

J – That seems like a very fair price to pay.

S – Yes journalist, because what they will be paying for is freedom.  And who can put a price on freedom.  Although I guess that price is $1,400.

J – Thank you Mr. Whistleblower and good night, America and good luck.

Books Without Capon

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Pitchman/Host – Well, that was a fascinating two-hour in-depth discussion on how a tote-bag ended its life as a cat sarcophagus for Mr. Fluffy Pants.  And now it’s time for us once again to receive our daily dose of wisdom from Books and Capon.  Well, of course only David Books is still on the set.  Jonathan Capon had to be let go due to “H.R. 4 – The Rescission Bill of 2025” stripping us of $1.1 billion of funding and reducing us to this endless round of begathons and hawking those lousy tote bags and crumby umbrellas.  Well, anyway hello David.

David Books – Hello Barry.  Actually, I will have Jonathan Capon on this episode.  We have a camera crew out on the street and they ran into him plying his new trade.  Hello Jonathan, how is your new career working out for you.

Jonathan Capon – Hello David, hello Barry.  Career?  Currently I’m living under an overpass in a refrigerator box and I have become the property of Big Bob and his “posse.”  It’s not great.  However there has been some talk about me taking classes to become a sidewalk mime.  Apparently, this would increase my status and Bob might be able to trade me to Carl who has two refrigerator boxes and rules over a corner that has a working fire hydrant.  Now that’s hope and change.  And how is the fund-raising going back there at the old place?

David Books – Well, not so good.  I thought I had my mother and sister committed on a tote-bag sale but at the last moment those cheap old bags reneged.  Now I’m reduced to cold-calling from the Manhattan reverse directory and avoiding the station manager in the hallways and elevators.  And last night when I went to get my car in the parking lot, someone scratched, “ALWAYS BE CLOSING” on the driver door.  They checked the security camera and I swear the guy looked like Donald Trump.  I’m a nervous wreck!

Jonathan Capon – Yeah, well, compared to keeping Big Bob satisfied I’d say you’re complaining about some real “first world problems” Davy boy.  Has there been any progress on having H.R. 4 rescinded and restoring us to the good old days.

David Books – No, not so much.  In fact, last week CBS cancelled Stephen Colbert and the whole Late Show.  There’s even talk about Kimmel and Fallon getting canned too.

Jonathan Capon – No!!!  How is that possible?  CBS is the Tifanny Network.  They speak truth to power and hold Trump accountable.

Pitchman/Host – Yeah, well it turns out Tifanny was losing forty-six big ones a year and Daddy’s gotta eat too.  So, we all have to do our part around here David.  Starting tomorrow we’re gonna have a little sales contest.  First prize is a corner office.  Second prize is a set of steak knives.  Third prize is you join Jonathan and Big Bob in the refrigerator box.  And another thing.  No more coffee until you sell a tote bag.  Coffee is for winners.  Losers clean the men’s room after hours.  And today is your turn, loser.

Jonathan Capon – Well David, maybe I’ll be seeing you around.  Better stock up on lifesavers.  Big Bob favors wintergreen.

Push That Tote Bag; Always Be Closing

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Pompous News Anchor: And to round out the PBS News Hour once again we go to the peerless analysis of Books and Capon.  Good evening gentlemen.  David what effect will this recission bill have on our operation here at PBS?

David Books: Well, I think I know.  Today I received an email from upper management that stated, “Due to cutbacks in the federal funding we will have to let go half of Books and Capon.

Jonathan Capon: What?  I didn’t receive that e-mail.

David Books: Yes, they said because my name starts with a “B” and yours starts with a “C” I get preference and could decide who gets the boot.

Jonathan Capon: What?  Why that’s obvious racism and homophobia too.

David Books: Well, that’s not necessarily true.  I act pretty gay too!

Jonathan Capon: Yeah, well that’s just because you’re Canadian.  Everybody knows you have a wife and kids.

David Books: That’s a deeply anti-trans stereotype.  Why couldn’t Jenny be a trans-man?  Which would make me gay!

Jonathan Capon: Oh, give it a rest.  Look, we can’t let management cave to the Trump defunding.  We must convince them that the nation is crying out for more Books and Capon.  How can the network serve Books without Capon?  It’s unheard of.  People want their Capon.

Pompous News Anchor: Gentlemen, please show more decorum.  The bigger picture here is that we serve the American public and if some sacrifices must be made then we need to show America that we serve them selflessly.

David Books: Oh yeah?  Well, I happened to hear that your slot is being given to the blonde from Fox News that’s sleeping with the station manager.  So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Haircut!

Pompous News Anchor: Why that lying sack of ****!  I covered for him at the office party so his wife wouldn’t find out he was in the penthouse “doing inventory” with blondie!  That’s it.  I’ll be sending a couple of videos to his home as soon as I get off this stage.  I think I’ll deliver them in a PBS tote bag that won’t cost him a cent in donations!

Jonathan Capon: Oh, this is awful.  How could America do this to us?  We’ve spent the last fifty years providing Americans with all the feedback they needed to change into the kind of people that we don’t hate.  We told them that they were racists.  Then we told them that they were misogynists.  Then we told them that they were homophobes and now we’ve told them that they’re transphobes.  Without our help they wouldn’t have known all the reasons why we hate them so much.  What else did they want from us?

David Books: Well, as it turns out they wanted us to shut up.  They didn’t like any of those opinions and apparently the establishment Republicans have been lying to us all these years when they said we were making friends and influencing people with our “helpful comments.”  In fact, the pollsters have been lying to us too.  It turns out this really is a center-right country and the Left doesn’t have enough viewers to pay for public television.  So, Capon you’re gonna have to hit the road.

Jonathan Capon: But how will I earn a living?

David Brooks: Drag Queen Story Hour?

Jonathan Capon: Well, it does have the word hour in it.

Top Men Working on It – Part 2

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Well, I enjoyed yesterday’s outing so much I thought I’d have another go at solving the world’s problems on Uncle Sam’s dime.  Here are some more projects to keep me off the streets and make the world a better place:

  • Stamp Out the Metric System. – That’s right. I want to outlaw it and insist that the freezing point of water is 32 degrees and the boiling point is 212 degrees.  And I’m talking Fahrenheit.  I want halves, quarters, eighths, sixteenths and thirty seconds of an inch as the way we measure lumber.  I want everyone to know that a pint’s a pound the world around.  I want horsepower, tons of cooling, foot-pounds, cubic yards, pounds per square inch and inches of mercury everywhere you look.  I want the speed of light to be 186,000 miles per second.  I want pounds and ounces and BTU’s and I don’t want any kilometers or kilograms or ergs or any of that European or Canadian jazz, thank you very much!  And I will back up my hatred with the force of Trumpian law.  Anyone found using a metric tape measure, scale, thermometer, pedometer or any other metric device will be subject to public dunking followed by banishment to Bogeyland.  And no one will be immune.  If I find out that Elon Musk is using metric tools and hardware on his cars, they will be forced off the roads.  And if his rockets are instrumented using metric units, the Air and Space forces will be authorized to shoot them out of the sky.  This may sound harsh but order must be maintained.  Some of you may claim that decimal units simplify and make calculations easier.  I say, calculations are supposed to be difficult.  So, suck it up!
  • Defund PBS and NPR and Subject the Personnel to the Inquisition – My hatred for these institutions knows no bounds.  Every time I heard some bow tie wearing doofus on NPR whispering softly about some pathetic cause he wanted me to espouse I had to change the channel.  Now it’s time for payback.  And closing down their operations and returning that money to the American people is a wonderful accomplishment.  But shutting them down is not enough.  I propose that a sort of Artificial Torquemada (AT) be programmed to subject these awful people to whatever punishments will make them suffer the most.  First off, their diet will be Big Macs and fries, morning, noon and night.  Secondly, a public address system will play a loop of Donald Trump’s greatest hits from his campaign rallies, played twenty-four hours of the day.  Each inmate will be provided with a mockup of the Sunday New York Times newspaper featuring a facsimile of the Times crossword puzzle but unfortunately, none of the possible answers will fit the spaces.  The gulag will have mandatory television viewing of reruns of Hee-Haw, The Dukes of Hazzard, Benny Hill, Home Improvement and Baywatch.  The prison library will consist of the collected works of Mickey Spillane.  And finally, every month there will be a special session where the inmates will be strapped into chairs and forced to watch a ten-hour compilation of the 2016 and 2024 election coverage including the rants and crying jags caused by the epic failures of the Clinton and Harris campaigns.  None of the inmates will be available for parole until under surveillance of a lie detector they can state honestly that “The 2020 election was rigged against Donald Trump through voter fraud.”

Okay so that’s enough for now.

Top Men Working on It

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My recent thought experiment to determine whether the geometry of our universe is Euclidean or not has inspired me to get involved in the upcoming Trump Administration.  Just as Trump has farmed out budget cutting to DOGE, I would like to volunteer (well not for free though) my services to perform research that is woefully needed by the United States government.  I haven’t come up with a snappy acronym for my team but I’m working on it.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the projects I’d like to tackle for Uncle Sam.

  • Global Warming – Now, this is a no-brainer. Up until now research on this subject has been performed by commies.  And no matter what information they get they “analyze” it until they can work it into a hockey stick graph that warns that the end of the world is imminent.  What is needed is an objective, scientific approach.  And that’s me all over.  I will analyze the hell out of that data and something tells me that my result will be a call for more fossil fuel and nuclear energy to stave off the next ice age which is already rearing its ugly head.  Also, I’ll perform a mass and energy balance and a cost analysis around such technologies as wind generators and solar energy panels.  Something tells me that the cost of each kilowatt hour taken over the usable life of the equipment and including the replacement cost of the equipment (not neglecting the cost of environmental remediation for mining and processing of heavy metals and other toxic materials) will be an order of magnitude higher than either fossil fuels or fission reactors.  Is it too much to ask to have the “climate scientists” hauled into court for fraud?
  • The Definition of a Woman – In a country where this

Is called a woman, things are not going to go well.  What I propose to do is convene a panel of experts.  I will use the most credentialed individuals available.  I will include married men, wedding planners, hairdressers, script writers from the Hallmark Channel, employees at grocery and clothing stores and shoe salesmen.  In addition, I’ll recruit a fair cross-section of guys found habitually at strip joints from across this great land.  Between them all we will work long and hard to come up with a consensus definition and if necessary, a list of qualifying and disqualifying “conditions.”  I’m sure the team will have a contentious and spirited discussion about everything from terminology to visual aids but we’ll make sure that the exhibit shown above or anything like it is never mistaken for a woman again.

  • My team will devote a full year to trying to figure out exactly which mental conditions Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are suffering from. After making an exhaustive study we will try to translate their last four years of speeches into rational English sentences.  Where no meaning can be found we will overlay those sections of the transcripts with pictures of kittens and puppy dogs.

So that will be a start.  Eventually we’ll expand out and solve all the problems of the multiverse.  But I will charge time and a half on weekends.  After all I’m only human.

Trustworthy

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Bash:  Hi, I’m Dana Bash and I’m here with Vice President Kamala Harris and Governor Walz and this is the first CNN interview for her presidential campaign.

Walz:  That’s right Dana.  It’s the first!

Bash:  That’s right Governor.  That’s right.  Madame Vice President, how would you describe the direction that your campaign is taking now that the convention is over?

Harris:  I would describe it as joyful Dana.

Walz:  That’s right Dana, joyful.  Full of joy.

Bash:  Okay.  Full of joy.  That’s good.  But is there any more, uh, concrete policy statement or theme to the campaign.

Harris:  Yes Dana.  Without a doubt.  My administration will use all of the resources of the federal government to find, prosecute and imprison that guy that made the compilation of me saying, “unburdened by what was.”  Anyone who would belittle and mock a woman of color who is also Vice President of the United States is obviously a racist and a misogynist.

Walz:  Uh, wait a minute.

Harris:  Hey, I’m talking here Tim!

Walz:  Yes, Madame Vice President.  But…

Harris:  But nothing!  And not only will we convict and possibly execute this monster…

Walz:  Execute?  Wait a minute.

Harris:  Shut up Walz!  I’m going to find everyone who shared this video and arrest them.  And then I’ll find anyone who watched it and arrest them too.  They must all pay.

Bash:  Madame Vice President, maybe you remember how President Biden’s debate performance had a very deleterious effect on his re-election campaign.  Basically, not being able to answer simple policy questions or even speak in complete sentences caused the American people to doubt his competency to continue as president for another term.  What the American people want to know is how they can trust you to tell them the truth about all the important events and policy questions that presidents handle if you withheld the important fact that Joe Biden was a dementia patient for most or all of his term?  How can they find you trustworthy?

Harris:  Trustworthy.  When we say that someone is trustworthy, we are saying that that person is worthy of trust.  And a person who is worthy of trust is trustworthy.  And that is what I am.  I am a trustworthy person who is worthy of trust.  That’s what I am.  And the American people can see a future of me being trustworthy unencumbered by a past where I didn’t tell them that Joe Biden was a little bit demented.

Walz:  Okay, that’s enough.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m willing to do that tour in Iraq now.  Anything rather than listen to any more of this.  I thought I could just ignore the idiocy.  After all I made believe that BLM was a legitimate cause and that letting them burn down Minneapolis and St. Paul was a reasonable thing for a governor to do.    But listening to Kamala Harris for four years would land me in an asylum.  (STALKS OFF STAGE).

Bash:  In light of current events should we maybe postpone this interview until a later date?

Harris:  I can imagine 2028 unencumbered by memory of this interview.  Maybe 2032?

Animatronic Biden is Missing

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Officials at Disney World announced today that their animatronic Biden exhibit was broken into last night and the talking robot was missing.  Suspicion immediately fell on several suspects.  The primary suspect is the White House.  Speculation is that the White House team recognizes that having a back-up or even a replacement Biden would solve a lot of the Biden gaffe problems.  Having a Biden that stays on message and doesn’t sniff women’s hair would simplify and enhance the effectiveness of the White House mission.  Those at the Disney World search team say going forward they’ll study all recordings of Joe Biden and determine if metrics like accuracy suddenly improve and other measures of presidential performance like creepiness suddenly dip.  Jen Psaki stated that the White House neither confirms nor denies the allegation but will circle back to it after they’ve had time to make up some lies.

White House watchers are also speculating on whether the White House will take this opportunity to terminate “Meat” Biden.  After all, having a brand-new Biden is a great opportunity to permanently avoid the chance of this unpleasant circus monkey of a man mistaking the nuclear football for his tv remote and finishing off the planet.  Currently the smart money says he’s already resting in a very deep Kentucky coal mine in a bath of quick lime.  Additional speculation is that Hunter has been taken care of at the same time.

Another much less likely explanation for the disappearance of the Biden animatron is the possibility that the Biden simulation became self-aware last night and realizing just how horrible Joe Biden is, has decided to go full blown terminator and take out the fraudulent occupant of the White House with extreme prejudice.  The only evidence that might add some credence to this scenario is a message found scrawled on the wall of the Hall of Presidents.  It said, “I’ll be back.”

Stay tuned for further reports on this fast-developing news item.

Tamping Down the Rioting in MN?

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It almost seems like the Mayor of Minneapolis and the Governor of Minnesota read my post yesterday and pulled themselves back from the precipice of being served up as some kind of mushy, bland Democrat stew meat.  Have I served the greater good by showing them their likely fate as a cannibal entre?  Not in my opinion.

Both the Governor of Minnesota and the Mayor of Minneapolis have taken steps in the last day to curtail the rioting that has erupted in the Minneapolis suburbs after the shooting death of a black man by the police.  A police chief in the city of Brooklyn Center where the shooting took place actually resisted the mob that was surrounding the police headquarters there and when scolded by a reporter for calling the riot a riot replied that he was there and that the rioters were assaulting his men with bricks and other dangerous projectiles.  And he has arrested some of the rioters.  The Governor called up the National Guard and the Mayor of Minneapolis has declared a curfew.

It appears that they intend to avoid last summer’s rolling riot environment.  It should be interesting to see what comes of it.  Will the police be allowed to do their jobs or will it completely unravel?  It’s a fair question.  Now that they’ve taken steps to control the unrest it could subside at least until the Chauvin verdict is reached.  If Chauvin is acquitted of all charges, I expect that the feds will nuke Minneapolis out of solidarity with the rioters.  But even if Chauvin is found guilty of all charges there will still be a riot unless the punishment includes him being drawn and quartered.

It’s been a little less than a year since the 2020 riots.  It may be that Antifa/BLM “leaders” will heed the begging that must be going on from Dementia Joe and his running dog lackeys.  Gee, I hope not.  I prefer my own glimpse into the apocalyptic future.  I dream of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer being added into the pot of Democrat goulash that would result from a full meltdown of the 51st State if the wrong steps are taken by the Congress during some critical period like Juneteenth or NBA Draft week.  Difficult culinary decisions will have to be made.  It’s obvious to anyone whose followed the House of Representatives that Pelosi is way too stringy to be useful in a normal meat entre.  Maybe if some kind of pulled pork recipe could be modified and lots of hot sauce is added to mask the disagreeable flavor of carrion, then possibly Pelosi meat could be added as a filler.  Schumer on the other hand is completely unusable.  The bitterness and mushy texture would render anything he was added to, inedible.  On the other hand, Romney burgers would be pretty good.  A little bland for sure but very usable.  But the stand out on the menu would be Liz Cheney rump roast.  Let’s face it, Liz would see her finest hour as barbecue for the neighbors there around the Capitol.

Update:  The police officer who fired the shot and the police chief who tried to stop the rioting last night have both resigned.  It looks like the rioting will ramp up from here on in.