Pitchman/Host – Well, that was a fascinating two-hour in-depth discussion on how a tote-bag ended its life as a cat sarcophagus for Mr. Fluffy Pants. And now it’s time for us once again to receive our daily dose of wisdom from Books and Capon. Well, of course only David Books is still on the set. Jonathan Capon had to be let go due to “H.R. 4 – The Rescission Bill of 2025” stripping us of $1.1 billion of funding and reducing us to this endless round of begathons and hawking those lousy tote bags and crumby umbrellas. Well, anyway hello David.
David Books – Hello Barry. Actually, I will have Jonathan Capon on this episode. We have a camera crew out on the street and they ran into him plying his new trade. Hello Jonathan, how is your new career working out for you.
Jonathan Capon – Hello David, hello Barry. Career? Currently I’m living under an overpass in a refrigerator box and I have become the property of Big Bob and his “posse.” It’s not great. However there has been some talk about me taking classes to become a sidewalk mime. Apparently, this would increase my status and Bob might be able to trade me to Carl who has two refrigerator boxes and rules over a corner that has a working fire hydrant. Now that’s hope and change. And how is the fund-raising going back there at the old place?
David Books – Well, not so good. I thought I had my mother and sister committed on a tote-bag sale but at the last moment those cheap old bags reneged. Now I’m reduced to cold-calling from the Manhattan reverse directory and avoiding the station manager in the hallways and elevators. And last night when I went to get my car in the parking lot, someone scratched, “ALWAYS BE CLOSING” on the driver door. They checked the security camera and I swear the guy looked like Donald Trump. I’m a nervous wreck!
Jonathan Capon – Yeah, well, compared to keeping Big Bob satisfied I’d say you’re complaining about some real “first world problems” Davy boy. Has there been any progress on having H.R. 4 rescinded and restoring us to the good old days.
David Books – No, not so much. In fact, last week CBS cancelled Stephen Colbert and the whole Late Show. There’s even talk about Kimmel and Fallon getting canned too.
Jonathan Capon – No!!! How is that possible? CBS is the Tifanny Network. They speak truth to power and hold Trump accountable.
Pitchman/Host – Yeah, well it turns out Tifanny was losing forty-six big ones a year and Daddy’s gotta eat too. So, we all have to do our part around here David. Starting tomorrow we’re gonna have a little sales contest. First prize is a corner office. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you join Jonathan and Big Bob in the refrigerator box. And another thing. No more coffee until you sell a tote bag. Coffee is for winners. Losers clean the men’s room after hours. And today is your turn, loser.
Jonathan Capon – Well David, maybe I’ll be seeing you around. Better stock up on lifesavers. Big Bob favors wintergreen.