“Mr. Chairman, I Nominate President Joe Biden’s Reanimated Corpse”

I think a consensus is growing that Joe Biden is one of the “walking dead.”  Okay, maybe technically he’s still alive.  He hasn’t equilibrated to room temperature or anything but essentially he’s a mindless zombie, animated by some occult power that is directly or indirectly tied to voodoo.

And with this consensus comes the necessity of renaming him.  Currently all newscasters make a point of referring to the president as “President Joe Biden.”  It’s never “President Biden.”   It’s as if they’re afraid we might confuse him with some other President Biden.  Perhaps they’re leaving out hope for an eventual President Hunter Biden.  Who knows?

Well, fine, now I want to give him an even more specific name.  I want him designated as “President Joe Biden’s reanimated corpse.”  I think this formulation captures perfectly all of the facets of Biden.  He’s not only Biden, he’s not only the president, but he’s also a zombie in good standing.  Just watching him shambling along moaning, falling down and befouling himself upholds the finest traditions of the classic zombie profile.  And the deathly pallor, vacant stare and incoherent muttering calls up flashbacks of George Romero’s classic Night of the Living Dead.

And in honor of Biden’s homage to this classic film I want to urge that all of Joe’s voters show up on election night dressed as zombies in order to signal their solidarity with our Undead Guy in Chief.  Show up disheveled, spattered in blood and dirt and clutching a half-eaten forearm.  Proudly support the ghoulish incumbent and feel free to gibber and moan when asked which district you’re from.  But at least have the decency to have your driver’s license when you show up.  Don’t be a jerk and waste everybody’s time.

Hopefully the media will have the good sense to arrange a third presidential debate on October 31st.  Only on Halloween will the reanimated corpse of Joe Biden truly reach his full potential and perform at his full capacity.  My hope is that the moderator will be Don Lemon and Undead Joe lives up to his full potential by wandering over to the moderator’s table and devouring Lemon on live tv.  Honestly I think that would be Lemon’s finest hour and it couldn’t hurt Biden’s numbers either.

Regardless of your opinion of Joe vis-a-vis the whole breathing and heart beating thing, you’ll have to agree that we’ve moved into a whole new era with respect to presidential candidates.  Even during Bill Clinton’s time in office we expected the candidates to be lucid, somewhat eloquent and healthy enough to stand on their feet for an hour or two without collapsing or losing control of their sphincters.

Those no longer seem to be necessary.  Anyone who’s watched any of the Biden “glitches” knows that at any moment he can start spouting gibberish or lock up while some normally autonomic function of his body fails and leaves him frozen in place like a mannequin.

I guess what has happened is that president is now a figurehead for the Deep State that runs the executive branch departments and decides on the policies that control the nation.  Okay, let’s say it out loud.  Joe doesn’t really decide anything.  The people who pull his strings do that.  Maybe that makes it easier to pull that lever.

Laugh, Clown, Laugh

Dyspepsia doesn’t strike me as a particularly attractive flavor for a pundit to emit.  I mean listening to someone like me carp about all the things that are going wrong or will go wrong sounds like the height of boredom.    But it’s also kind of the world we live in.  I guess that marinating that flavor in humor might make it more palatable for the audience.  And I do try to add gallows humor and mockery of all the truly awful villains we face whenever I can.  But sometimes it’s almost impossible to paint a smile, even a wry smile, onto my face, when considering the catastrophically damaging events that seem to happen more and more frequently every day.

But we must laugh.  Despite the fact that it is very likely that Joseph Biden will be re-elected president of the United States, or maybe because it is so likely, we must laugh at Joe Biden.  All of the gaffes, the incoherent mumbling, the lies about everything from COVID to cannibals eating his uncle, to his creepy personal interactions with everyone from small children to the Pope.  All of this needs to be mocked and laughed at.

Because we need catharsis.  In ancient Athens, comedians like Aristophanes would rail against the politicians and accuse them of all manner of dishonest and even scurrilous behavior.  And the politicians had to take it with no recourse to the law courts.  Because the Athenians believed in the almost sacred right of the people to mock their elites.  And they were right.  There has to be a place where the high and mighty get taken down a peg.  It’s necessary, it’s healthy.  If that doesn’t exist you end up with Soviet Russia where the legitimacy of the state is slowly lost to cynicism and eventually when the social capital reaches zero everyone just ignores the leaders and wander away to become bandits.

Now maybe that is our fate.  With Donald Trump being stripped of his money and his freedom by kangaroo courts it won’t take long before even comedians will be hauled off to the gulag for mocking Joe.  I fully expect in the next Biden administration laws against disinformation will probably begin to mushroom around the country.  Maybe we’ll all have to refer to Biden as “the dear leader” instead of Dementia Joe.

But in the meantime, I intend to continue mocking these turkeys whenever they do something especially absurd.  And that’s bound to be any minute.  Why just today I read that during the White House briefing Haitian Shirley Temple claimed that videos of Joe Biden staring in the wrong direction from the parachutist that landed practically at his feet at the G7 conference was a “deep fake.”  We watch as the Italian Prime Minister takes him by the arm and turns him around to see what everyone of normal intelligence has already seen.  Karine Jean-Pierre is sort of like the voice of the Wizard of Oz bellowing, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”

And who knows?  There’s always the slimmest of chances that something goes wrong and Trump gets elected.  And that would be the funniest joke of all.  Can you imagine if Trump actually did drain the swamp?  Hilarious.

A Biden Carol (Part 3)

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 2 a.m.

Biden – Holy Crap!  I think this thing is for real.  They know everything I’ve done and why I did it.  My only hope is to win the 2024 election and win over the American people.  I know.  I’ll say all that MAGA stuff.  The rubes eat that up.  All I’ve got to do is freshen up my “Scranton Joe” act and I’ll be back on easy street.

Ghost of Biden Present – That’s what you think.

Biden – Donald Trump?  What are you doing here?  I thought I was going to meet the Ghost of Biden Present.

Ghost of Biden Present – I’m here because I’m going to be the Ghost of Biden Present.

Biden – Oh come on man!  That’s not fair!

Ghost of Biden Present – Why would a crooked rat like you get treated fair?  I got the job because I told them I’d twist the knife every chance I got.  Believe me when I say no one is looking to help you, Joe.  The only friends you’ve got are paid and that doesn’t exactly guarantee loyalty.

Biden – Look Donald.  None of that stuff we’ve been doing to you is personal.  Garland is just following the law.  It’s completely by the books.

Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t waste your time.  I’m here to show you what people really think of you.

Biden – Well, that’s all just a partisan exercise.  Your voters are against me and mine are for me.

Ghost of Biden Present – You haven’t been paying attention to the polls or the social media sites.  You’re about as popular a herpes.

Biden – Which kind?

Ghost of Biden Present – Both.  Even the 25% of people who say they’ll vote for you are holding their noses to do it.

Biden – I don’t believe you.  There are millions of Americans who love and trust “good old uncle Joe.”

Ghost of Biden Present – Well, we’re going to go out tonight and let you talk to the people.

Biden – Should I hold onto your sleeve and we’ll be whisked along through the air?

Ghost of Biden Present – No we’re taking the front door and walking down Pennsylvania Avenue.

(Exit)

 

Scene 2 – Washington D.C.

 

Biden – What are all these homeless encampments doing in the capitol of the greatest country on Earth?

Ghost of Biden Present – You put them there, numb nuts.  These are all the people who’ve been displaced since you opened up the border and let illegal immigrants and fentanyl flood the country.

Biden – My border policy is smart, humane and very popular with the American people.

Ghost of Biden Present – Really?  Let’s test out your theory.

(Trump whistles loudly on his fingers and addresses the crowd.)

Hey folks, here’s “President” Biden.  He wants to get your opinions on his border policy.

Random Homeless Man – It’s really him.  Let’s get him!

Biden – (As he’s being dragged away by his heels  and kicked in the head and ribs by the murderous crowd)

Donald, Donald don’t leave me here.  Get me out of here before they murder me.  How can I learn my lesson if I’m dead.

Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t worry Joe.  You can’t be killed in this little demonstration.

Biden – What do you mean?  Those kicks hurt!

Ghost of Biden Present – No the beating will hurt like a bastard for sure.  But you won’t die.  That way it can go on for a very long time.  I’ll see you later Joey, much later.

Biden Help Trump, help!  Don’t leave me here!

Folks, ouch, we’ll build back better together, ow, Bidenomics is making this the most robust economy in the world, ah, the green economy is lifting all boats, Ahhhhhhhhhh!

(Exit)

A Biden Carol (Part 2)

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 1 a.m.

Biden – I really must be cracking up.  What a horrible nightmare that was.  And I’m not even in bed.  C’mon Joe.  Snap out of it.  It must have been the Adderall wearing off.  Get a grip.  What’s that light I see glowing before my eyes?

Ghost of Biden Past – I am the Ghost of Biden Past.

Biden – Is that really a thing?

Ghost of Biden Past – No, I’m just the guy who got stuck with this gig.  But work with me here.  We’re trying to line this thing up with Dickens.

Biden – Sure, sure.  Are you going to show me all the things in my past that I should feel gratitude about and help me to be a better man?

Ghost of Biden Past – No, that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.  I’m here to remind you of all the horrible stuff you’ve done so that it’s crystal clear why the perpetual gruesome agony you are slated for will be completely justified.

Biden – Wow!  No partial credit for that time I saved that amphibious lander when I shot down the Japanese Zero back in dubya, dubya two?

Ghost of Biden Past – Joe, you were born in 1942.

Biden – Oh, right.  I must be thinking of my service in Viet Nam.

Ghost of Biden Past – No you dodged the draft for Viet Nam.

Biden – So you’re not gonna work with me here.

Ghost of Biden Past – Work with you?  I’m rooting for you to get the perpetual wood chipper option.  In fact, I’ve got fifty bucks on it in the office pool.

Biden – Surely all that good work I did while in the Senate must buy me some good will up there.

Ghost of Biden Past – Up there?  Even Lucifer doesn’t want to work on your case.  He was thinking of farming you out to the Great Old Ones.  But Cthulhu said, nothing doing.  So, we’re stuck with you.

Biden – Surely someone from my past will speak in my defense.

Ghost of Biden Past – Yes, there was one character witness who was able to remove a very small charge from your list of sins.  We found Corn Pop and he said you never threatened him with a chain.  Apparently, you just ran off and never came back to the lifeguard gig you had.

Biden – That’s a lie.  He was a very bad dude and I stood up to him.

Ghost of Biden Past – Well, we checked out that story.  Corn Pop back then was an asthmatic camp counselor at the local YMCA with coke bottle glasses and a limp.  Now he’s a retired postal worker.

Biden – Yeah well, that’s not how I remember it.  So, what’s next?

Ghost of Biden Past – We’re going to walk you through the highlights of your various activities.  We’ve got Juanita Broaddrick and that summer with you “showering” with your underaged daughter.  We’ll go through the work you did getting Hunter to where he is now.  Then we’ll go over your work as the “Big Guy” and all of the stuff you did “for the country” while working for Obama.  For fun we’ll go over the blooper reel with your hair plugs and aviator shades.  It’ll be a busy time.

Biden – So this doesn’t look so good.  Should I get a lawyer or a character witness?  How about my old friend Barack.  Everybody loves him.

Ghost of Biden Past – Yeahhhh, about that.  Old Bathhouse Barry has his own ‘splainin’ to do.  I don’t think that would be wise.

Biden – Alright let’s start the tour.  Will there be lunch?

Ghost of Biden Past – Don’t worry there will be some roasted meat sooner than you think.

(Exit)

What Are the Odds?

According to quantum mechanics (or is Stan Lee?) every time a subatomic particle has a choice of moving in one direction or another it spawns two separate realities.  And taking all such choices together, it produces an infinity of separate realities (or universes) associated with these different futures that exist side by side.  Now the Marvel Cinematic Universe has documented this highly scientific quantum behavior with a panoply of Spidermen in the multiverse.  And for all I know they have added a few Spider-transmen to round things out.  And because of the Kathleen Kennedy imperative (“PUT A CHICK IN IT AND MAKE HER LAME AND GAY”} there will need to be some Spiderwomen, spiderlesbians and hopefully BIPoC spidertrans-women but most especially Latinx spidertrans-lesbians.  Maybe not in that order.  After all one cannot constrain the artistic endeavor.

But thinking about all this quantum physics was incredibly stimulating.  I started to imagine the multiverse of 2024 election outcomes and the futures it will spawn.  For instance, in one universe Joe Biden is struck by lightning and it resets his brain so that he can speak English and walk down stairs without tumbling.  But it also forces him to only speak the truth and so he’s assassinated by the FBI for disseminating the document that lists the FBI agents and assets and the scripts and roles they played in the January 6th frame-up.

In another universe Donald Trump declares himself a dictator for one day and has all the data files that the intelligence agencies have collected on Americans erased, reveals who killed Kennedy and forces MSNBC to broadcast Obama’s gay sex tapes during Black History Month.

In yet another universe the most unlikely set of outcomes all occur simultaneously and the American voters come to their senses in numbers so overwhelming that they elect huge majorities of Republicans to the House and Senate.  And Trump wins 45 states and re-enters the White House with an ironclad mandate.  And with that combination they undo the last fifty years of unconstitutional skullduggery and make the United States a free country for the first time in generations.  They fire seventy percent of the federal employees.  They cancel the Patriot Act.  They eject tens of millions of illegal aliens.  They balance the budget.  And they impeach all the judges that were appointed by Clinton, Obama and Biden and replace them with the guys who were imprisoned during the January 6th witch hunt.  And then they appoint Rudy Giuliani special prosecutor to clean up all the dirt that’s gone on since Obama came into office and have the trials located in Oklahoma.  Crazy, right?

Of course, I expect the most likely outcome in this multiverse is the one we expect.  That’s the one where crooked judges and prosecutors hand-pick leftist jurors and convict Donald Trump of bogus crimes in their kangaroo courts and then use millions of fraudulent ballots to win the 2024 presidential election and use that outcome to finish off what’s left of this once great nation.  Of course.

But even in this most likely of all universes, there is still room for all of this to be the trigger for a cosmic backlash.  You could imagine that all of this negative karma building on itself could warp the very fabric of space-time and spawn a reaction.  I could imagine that the day after the “winners” of the fake elections are declared, the disgusted Republican voters stage a complete work stoppage across the whole country.  Truckers stop delivering food to the cities and oil and gas isn’t delivered.  And all the cops go out on strike.  In fact, we all go out on strike.  And after a couple of weeks when the LGBTQ national guard units admit they can’t drive trucks, Washington might fold and sues for mercy.

And that’s my favorite super hero ending.  Sorry Deadpool.

Isn’t physics wonderful?

Damn You Millan!

Little Evil Dog (LED) is now about four months old.  And still in the midst of a teething frenzy as her milk teeth are falling out.  Sometimes Camera Girl even bleeds from the bites of this insane little basset hound.  There has been some improvement.  Lately she only draws blood once a week rather than daily.  Everything is relative.

Today I noted that Camera Girl was watching the Dog Whisperer on Nat Geo.  It’s that Mexican guy Cesar Millan who trains dogs.  Of course, there is nothing more absurd than Camera Girl trying to train her dogs.  They completely dominate her and systematically ignore all her commands.  It would be accurate to say that they have trained her.

I tried to imagine her attempting to use Millan’s techniques but I know that she could never assert authority over the dogs.  It just completely clashes with her babying of these canines.  And yet with her children and grandchildren she has always been able to maintain good discipline.  I think it’s the fact that intellectually dogs are like permanent infants.  They never reach a point where they can be responsible for their misdeeds.  Training always has to be a matter of dominance.  And so, she forever treats them like babies.  Even if the animal outweighs her.

And so, the problem of Camera Girl’s bad dogs can never be fully solved.  I have in the past had to force obedience from some of the larger male dogs on my own just for safety’s sake but she will never be their boss.

But as I watched the episode that Camera Girl had on it occurred to me that a wife whisperer would be an interesting show.  If some guy developed a format where he had men come to him with wives who behaved poorly and he came up with a regimen for bringing them back in line.  And of course, it should be a humane program.  No shock collars or whips; nothing like that.  It could all be done using positive reinforcement.  Even a muzzle probably would be unnecessary, although I could see where it would make life better sometimes.

I’d guess it would work with treats and gifts used to encourage good behavior and verbal cues to point out bad behavior.  I started to think how I could work some of these things into my home life.  I could use small rewards like buying her a turtle or a lizard if she behaved herself.  But I realized that my house would probably overrun with pets within a few weeks.  And since there weren’t any other treats, I could provide or withhold, there wasn’t a way forward with my wife whisperer idea.  It was a dead end.

But I did watch how often food was the treat that Millan used to train his dogs.  How he used it to reinforce good behavior or withheld it to show displeasure.  And then some things came together in my mind.  Grocery patterns and other aspects of my life.  And I was aghast.  She has been using Millan’s program on me!  Tonight, we’re having a pork roast.  That only went on the menu after I performed the winter yard close-up yesterday.

To Serve Man, it’s a training book!

The Show Must Go On

“And as the morning light comes streaming in you get up and do it again, amen. – Jackson Browne

As we all live our lives it sometimes seems that the radical changes and disruptions in our society that the Left has instituted must overwhelm the system and everything will come apart at the seams forcing us to abandon normalcy once and for all and take up a new existence as 21st century hunter-gatherers living off the released zoo animals and other feral survivors of a better age.  As we struggle to survive, the weak will go to the wall.  When cannibalism reappears the hopeless, like John Fetterman, will be the first to go in the pot.  And he may have his finest hour as soup or stew.

But what I notice is that despite the almost unending downward spiral of our world, people get up every morning and throw some water on their faces and figure out how to put food on the table and fuel in the oil tank.  And somehow, they do it with a laugh and a joke.  Now it may be gallows humor for sure.  But they still manage to make the joke.

And they’re right.  You can’t get through life no matter how bad things get with your teeth perpetually gritted.  You can do it for a while.  But if you keep it up too long, you’ll go mad.  Sure, when the latest atrocity occurs, you’re got to rail against it and shake your fist and maybe say terrible things about your enemies.  And maybe some people finally crack and go berserk.

But if you’ve got a wife and kids or even if you don’t, somehow you have to make it to Friday and you have to do all the things that get you there.  And more than that you have to somehow find some joy in the world.  Unless you’re a Dickensian villain like Uriah Heep or Ebenezer Scrooge grinding through your entire life clutching at thorns without a friend in the world is a fate worse than death.  Even a man on death row probably talks to the guards sometimes just to break up the monotony.

And that’s something I rediscovered recently.  After the 2020 election I was morose to a remarkable extent.  Other than family I couldn’t see what was going to keep this world going for me.  Disillusionment with our government was total.  I had little interest in day-to-day events and the news from Washington was nauseating.  And I think this had a deleterious effect on my peace of mind.  Apocalyptic thinking was becoming routine.

But even though things have continued to degrade in our day-to-day life I have had a chance to reflect.  Rather than thinking that the world has truly hit some all-time low, what I realize now is that we were formally living in a kind of golden age.  And through the foolishness of malicious people, it has been stamped out.  And in reality, most of mankind’s existence has been under conditions much, much worse than even this.

If we’re not as free as we once were, at least no one has branded us and sent us to work in the salt mines.  We may not be middle class Americans anymore but we haven’t reached North Korea levels of starvation.  We’re no longer proud of our leaders and our government but so far inflation hasn’t reached triple digits.

We live under a banana republic but so far, I can still make fun of Dementia Joe and the Keystone Gestapo he employs.  No one has dragged me off to the gulag yet.  And I seem to have rediscovered my sense of humor.

So yeah, things are bad.  As Howard Beale said “We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy.”  But when things are crazy you still have to live and maybe you can laugh at the crazy once in a while, even if you laugh while cleaning up the latest result of the crazy.

The Best Part of Living in a Banana Republic

There are lots of really terrible consequences of living under a tyranny where none of the protections of a free society exist.  And when you happen to be a despised minority in that country it’s even worse.  At any moment you can be stripped of your privacy, your dignity, your livelihood, your possessions, your freedom, even your life.  You have to watch while those in charge break their own laws and suffer no consequences while innocent men are persecuted and hounded out of public life just because they speak the truth.

But one great advantage of living in clown world is that you get to laugh at all the clowns.  And what an array.  Joe Biden.  Now there’s a rich vein.  Any and every day that he’s on video is comic gold.  Will he fall down, break into gibberish, wander off stage because he’s befouled himself?  Or will he just lie so outrageously that his handlers will have to pretend that he didn’t say what he obviously said.

Or how about his press secretary?  That vacuous nitwit who has to deflect half the questions because there’s just no sane answer that doesn’t include admitting that her boss is a crook.

And what about Hunter Biden?  A man who beds his dead brother’s widow and smokes crack on video while being serviced by underage prostitutes while acting as the bagman for the influence peddling of his corrupt father.  Oh, and he gets like a half million dollars for his finger paintings too.

Or how about the voters of New York City or LA or Chicago or any of the several dozen big cities that have voted in mayors and district attorneys that are now reducing those cities to crime-ridden hell holes in the name of “equity?”

And how about Anthony Fauci?  That’s the best one of all.  Here’s a man who could switch from swearing that vaccines were a panacea to admitting vaccines protected no one at the drop of a hat.  He could say that there was no chance the virus came from a lab and then say there was a very good chance it did.  This man is a consummate liar and he even does it with a smile on his face.

So, this is the silver lining in living in the gulag.  You don’t have to pretend to believe any of it.  Not one thing.  If someone defends the dear leader or talks about the great economy we enjoy or cheerleads for Ukraine there’s one universal reply.

Laughter.

It’s as simple as that.  No anger, no denial, no argument.  Just derisive laughter and walking away.  Nothing else speaks as clearly and powerfully as that.  It’s the perfect retort when a patently absurd statement has been made.  Obviously, it is being made by a partisan hack.  It’s like when that CNN stooge started talking about how family values were a cornerstone of Joe Biden’s political persona.  This was being said about a man who showered naked with his teenage daughter and raised up Hunter Biden to be a crack-smoking, stripper-banging scumbag.  When someone says something like that, derisive laughter is the only reasonable reply.  Well, at least short of violence against the perpetrator which isn’t allowed in a banana republic against one of the regime toadies.

But there are limits.  If the one making the statement is an FBI or IRS agent you might want to keep a straight face and remain silent.  After all banana republics have notoriously dangerous dungeons where enemies of the state sometimes end up.  But if the regime toady is just your neighbor or some rando you ran into then have at it and enjoy yourself to the max.  Let a few tears leak out and slap him heartily on his back to show you appreciate the hilarious joke he’s just uttered.

Yes, that is our only pleasure.  And they say laughter is the best medicine.  We’re gonna need it.

 

Life Imitates the Babylon Bee

My state has one upped this gag.  We have bridges that have been declared dangerous for decades but the state mechanism for repairing them is completely impenetrable.  Eventually the state will have to be permanently divided along the lines of all the small streams that traverse it.  Soon regional dialects will develop and eventually mutually unintelligible languages but the bridges will just become place names that adorn maps as we stare across these small bodies of water that will forever divide us.  Damn you Mayor Pete.