All the Secrets of the Universe and Some Really Important Stuff Too!
It’s all well and good to identify as something easy like a man or a woman. But what happens if you get too creative? Oh the humanity!
Disaster As San Francisco Zoo Adds Furries To Lion Enclosurehttps://t.co/duDncLwZQy
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) February 5, 2023
A friend sent this joke today:
Sometimes, you just need to share a joke….
FRANKS INJURY
The best story of the year doesn’t give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the lectern .
She said, “I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
“Frank was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Frank”.
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
(This was in response for demanding reparations for the cultural appropriation of my ancestors superior concrete recipe – photog)
As a descendant of Slavs, I demand a reparation from your reparations! My ancestors were seized and transported to Rome as slave labor and forced to mix their superior concrete. (I wonder if the formula also included human blood.) I will take my payment in gold aureae, 1000 per captured ancestor and descendants to the Fall of the Empire. If coin is not available, I will accept (unrolls scroll) bullion, jewelry, a reserved parking space, my own Winnebago, a chance to direct, (OOPS, wrong scroll), vineyards, pastureland, and 5000 sheep, and a Rudis, the wooden Sword of Freedom.
I found this tweet about a mummy in South America on my feed. But what made me laugh was a reply. Some guy said “Annoying that a 7000 year old corpse has more hair than me.”
A long-buried corpse, preserved by one of Earth's driest climates, Chile's Atacama Desert, where it has retained centuries-old skin, hair and clothing.
Dated around 5020 BC.Chinchorro mummies, discovered in early 20th Century CE.#archaeohistories pic.twitter.com/2n0ehO9hRh
— Archaeo – Histories (@archeohistories) May 26, 2022
Washington D.C. – American President Joseph Biden gave a hard hitting if somewhat confusing speech today in front of the Trade Union Delegation from Inner Outer Stanstanistan. To the somewhat bemused pastoral herdsmen in their colorful native garb the animated but sometimes incoherent stateman was highly entertaining. Of course, since the translator was speaking in Outer Inner Stanstanistanian they couldn’t understand anything he said. But their spokesman was quoted as saying “we could tell he really meant whatever it was he was saying.”
After blaming every domestic and foreign policy debacle in his administration on the Russian strongman, Biden finished up the speech with an appeal for lower priced insulin that ended with him repeatedly striking the podium with his shoe. This got a standing ovation from the herdsmen who remembered old video clips of Khrushchev at the UN that they had watched during lunch break in grammar school. The emotional yak herders left the meeting chanting, “We will bury you, we will bury you” in fairly good Russian.
MSNBC reported that the speech is widely believed to be the talking points for the Democrat mid-term elections campaign platform. Rachel Maddow explained, “We will blame everything on Putin. Inflation, Putin. Crime, Putin. Biden’s flatulence, Putin. There is even talk of finding footage of Putin standing on George Floyd’s neck whenever Chauvin needed to be spelled. We drew the line at implicating him in the Kennedy assassination because Putin was eleven at the time and known to be a fairly poor shot with a rifle.”
Caught flat-footed by this new scheme Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell was quoted as saying, “Huh?”
After the speech a news team was sent out to a local gas station to do a man on the street interview with a consumer filling his gas tank. After watching a clip from the speech, the motorist reached into his car and proceeded to brain the reporter with a baseball bat. Police were called to the scene and after watching the video, they emptied the clips of their sidearms into the now motionless reporter and left. The rest of the news crew beat a tactical retreat back to MSNBC where they suggested that the DNC might want to do a little more focus group workshopping of the idea. But they stressed that heavy blunt objects and pointed and sharp-edged utensils be removed from the premises beforehand.
Later that night a medical emergency was declared at the White House. During dinner when asked by Doctor Jill what he had done that day President Biden began to repeat the word Putin over and over in a continuous string; putinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputiputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputin!!!!!
When the doctors arrived, the president was diagnosed with a rare form of political Tourette’s syndrome. It is now believed that for the rest of his life he will only be able to utter combinations of the two syllables pu and tin. When questioned about this development White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that this situation was Putin’s fault but that it would pose no real problem to President Biden continuing his present activities. In fact, Psaki hinted that the new situation might actually make her job easier.
However, after hearing that the condition was permanent First Lady Doctor Jill packed her bag and left the White House with her secret service detail in tow. She was quoted as saying, “That’s enough. I’m out.”
I have often commented to Camera Girl that since people nowadays live enormously longer on average than people in the pre-modern era that the institution of marriage with its whole “’til death do us part” clause is behind the times and needs to be updated with more nuanced language. However, I never say this when she’s holding a sharp knife. She’s excitable.
But it’s fair to say that a fifty-year reevaluation event seems warranted. We’ve got another five years before that milestone but I felt it was a good idea to start some preliminary exercises to determine if an emergency early intervention would be needed.
Today I went on an inspection to see how she was doing. This morning when I came down for breakfast, I carefully examined the meal for signs of insufficiency or insincerity. The scrambled eggs and pumpernickel bagel seemed up to snuff. Check. The breakfast conversation was satisfactory. Check. But the after-breakfast banter seemed to die away. I was sitting in the living room working diligently on very important web site related work. But there was none of the expected wifely encouraging, congratulatory pep talk that somehow, I think should have been there. Maybe just a random “Let’s go photog!” thrown in every few minutes. That seems reasonable. Within a half hour my rage built up to the point where I actually got up and went into the kitchen to investigate this outrage.
Well, she probably heard me coming because she managed to throw up a smoke screen of cooking food. As evidence she had a red sauce with meatballs on the stove and a pan of sausages in the oven and an Italian cheese cake under construction on the counter. Well, okay. Check, check, check. She seemed to be busy. Seemed!
I went back to the living room thinking furiously on what I had seen. Well, the kids and grandkids were coming tomorrow for dinner. I guess maybe cooking was a prerequisite for the meal. Maybe it would be a little unreasonable for her to do all the cooking after I went to bed so as not to interfere with the very important wifely responsibilities of cheering on the king in his daily battles. Could it be possible she was in the right? Was it possible I was being selfish? Me? “I’m the Bad Guy? How did that happen?”
Faced with this confusing thought, I retreated to first principles. What would Ralph Kramden do? Ah, that’s better. Obviously, this pretend-hard-working act was a plot to undermine my sense of self-righteousness. As such it qualified as disloyalty, the ultimate wifely sin. Hah! I knew it. I’m the good guy. I win again!
Well, once that had been worked out to my full satisfaction, I felt better and could afford to be magnanimous. I went into the kitchen and patted her on the arm and praised her for the wonderful work she was doing. This seemed to confuse her a little but she kept working and almost seemed to ignore my presence. Well, sure. Not everyone has my ability to multi-task. I smiled tolerantly and made a silent benediction over her efforts. A wise man once wrote that, “uneasy is the head that wears a crown.” And so true it is. I’m constantly employed providing guidance and useful advice on any number of things around here. My inexhaustible supply of knowledge is always improving her efforts. Noblesse oblige as the say.
I guess the outcome is I’ll let things lay for the next five years. Sure, she tries to undermine my authority but she’s a hard-working member of the team and I like to reward effort. Plus she’s related to my children and family is family. Well done Camera Girl, well done.
James Carville, the “Ragin’ Cajun” carnival barker of democratic political advisors, this week counselled President Joe Biden to adopt a radical strategy to restore his presidency, medically induced coma. The ingenious plan came to Carville when he analyzed micro polls that are taken every second of the day on the interwebs and register the meaningless momentary thoughts of very stupid people who constantly click on web polls. During Dementia Joe’s colonoscopy Carville noted that Biden’s job approval trended continuously upward from 12.0% to a mind-boggling 12.6%. Interestingly during this same time period when Kamala Harris was the de facto President of the United States her job approval rating went from 1.6% to 0.1%.
Carville immediately saw the possibilities and crafted the plan. He advised Sleepy Joe to have himself placed in a medically induced coma for the remainder of his term in office. By November of 2024 Carville calculated that Biden’s approval rating will be approximately 124.3%. This should guarantee his reelection and allow him the mandate he’ll need to fundamentally transform the United States, again.
But when the plan was approved and announced to the Biden cabinet it spawned a firestorm of outrage. Kamala Harris screamed, “He’s not leaving me holding the bag on this turkey of an administration. I’ll beat him to the punch. I’m gonna coma this afternoon.” And just like that every member of the administration in the chain of succession to the presidency rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center to be induced into medical comas. The only mishap was with Speaker Pelosi. While setting up the IV, a few drops of her blood came in contact with a spark and because of the high alcohol content there was a flash back in which the Speaker of the House was incinerated.
This brilliant strategy has had one drawback. Once the chain reaction of comas subsided it was discovered that the presidential succession devolved onto Cletus Burbank, the night janitor at the White House. But the amazing thing is that despite Carville’s data once Burbank was installed as president his job approval rating soared to 94.1%. When contacted to account for this anomalous success, interim President Burbank stated, “I make sure all the doors are locked before I leave in the morning and all the toilets are cleaned and have a roll of paper. Everything else is somebody else’s problem, if you know what I mean.”
Republican strategists are working feverishly to counter this brilliant ploy and vow to have both the Republican members of Congress and the Republican Supreme Court appointees under medical comas within the week. Mitch McConnel was heard to say, “If those bastards think we’ll take this lying down … well I guess they’re right. Because I suppose you have to lie down when you’re in a coma.”
The upshot of this phenomenon in Washington is that the federal government has ground to a virtual standstill. Coincidentally, GDP has soared and crime has dipped to its lowest level in 100 years. No one in the government was available for comment.
Joe Biden’s colon was successfully scoped today. Due to some fears about military doctors getting back at the Commander in Chief for the Afghan debacle the procedure was shifted away from Walter Reed Medical Center and to the local Duane Reade Pharmacy where Mr. Biden shops for his adult diaper supplies.
This colonoscopy wasn’t a regularly scheduled procedure but was strenuously requested by the State Department at the behest of the Vatican and British Monarchy. Both organizations had lodged protests against the US Government claiming treaty breaches on the biological warfare front. The voice message form the Papacy said, “Eeffa you letta that sumavabeetch back here again you betta make a sure he’s a not a gotta the blacka death a hidin’ a up there. Get a camera up a there you dopey bastardos.
Although the medical privacy acts protect release of the details of the procedure certain information was gleaned by interviewing some of the ancillary members of the surgical team. Team member Lloyd Bender who performs clean up in aisle four revealed that the scope discovered a large bolus of mummified gorgonzola cheese lodged in the presidential colon. Dislodging it proved difficult. Lloyd attested, “We tried pulling it out but it was the size of a bowling ball so you can guess that was a problem. By a stroke of luck, we had the Roto-Rooter guy in house working on a sewage line that was blocked. So, we asked him if he would do something for us if we kicked in another forty bucks and he was very obliging. So, he got the thing done. But he did say he’d have to get a new rig because the gorgonzola did a job on his setup. And not for nothing but we had to close shop because the stench was awful. But it’s done. And I never want to get involved in anything like that again.”
Mr. Biden seemed subdued after his ordeal and he was walking kind of funny but his press secretary Jen Psaki said that all rumors about foreign cheeses and commercial sewage line clearance equipment were greatly exaggerated. Later on today Mr. Biden felt himself sufficiently back to normal to make this short statement to the press, “My butt’s been wiped and is squeaky clean.”
Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm. Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events. The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one. Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman. But such is life in these enlightened times.
The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw. When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw. Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event. The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m. But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary. This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.” But the officials decided to leave well enough alone. To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws. And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.
After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner. But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”
CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete. But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders. Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder. Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult. But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires. An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself. Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity. He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for. And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star. Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”
Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports. She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!” The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff. Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip. And she’s quite a looker too!”
Officials at Disney World announced today that their animatronic Biden exhibit was broken into last night and the talking robot was missing. Suspicion immediately fell on several suspects. The primary suspect is the White House. Speculation is that the White House team recognizes that having a back-up or even a replacement Biden would solve a lot of the Biden gaffe problems. Having a Biden that stays on message and doesn’t sniff women’s hair would simplify and enhance the effectiveness of the White House mission. Those at the Disney World search team say going forward they’ll study all recordings of Joe Biden and determine if metrics like accuracy suddenly improve and other measures of presidential performance like creepiness suddenly dip. Jen Psaki stated that the White House neither confirms nor denies the allegation but will circle back to it after they’ve had time to make up some lies.
White House watchers are also speculating on whether the White House will take this opportunity to terminate “Meat” Biden. After all, having a brand-new Biden is a great opportunity to permanently avoid the chance of this unpleasant circus monkey of a man mistaking the nuclear football for his tv remote and finishing off the planet. Currently the smart money says he’s already resting in a very deep Kentucky coal mine in a bath of quick lime. Additional speculation is that Hunter has been taken care of at the same time.
Another much less likely explanation for the disappearance of the Biden animatron is the possibility that the Biden simulation became self-aware last night and realizing just how horrible Joe Biden is, has decided to go full blown terminator and take out the fraudulent occupant of the White House with extreme prejudice. The only evidence that might add some credence to this scenario is a message found scrawled on the wall of the Hall of Presidents. It said, “I’ll be back.”
Stay tuned for further reports on this fast-developing news item.