Tag: Biden humor

Dramatic Footage of the Military Confronting UFO Over Lake Huron

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Below is the amazing flight camera video of the successful defense of Lake Huron by our pilots.

When the first missile failed to strike the target the squadron leader said he, “wanted another shot at it..”  The rest is history.  What wasn’t revealed in the press conference was that after the aliens fired their primary weapon and obliterated the White House, President Biden’s righteous anger prompted him to take the squadron leader role of the attacking F-16s that took down the aliens.  Few people know that in addition to being a long haul trucker Biden is also a Top Gun fighter pilot.  No joke!

The Further Adventures of Hard Boiled, Two-Fisted Joe Biden – Episode II – Second Thoughts

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Everyone’s favorite Haitian lesbian kewpie doll finishes off her White House press conference with the five hundredth repetition of, “Ask the White House Counsel’s office about the classified documents found in the bucket at the end of the rope in the waters of Chesapeake Bay at the end of the pier next to Hunter’s condo.  We are following a process and it does not include me answering annoying and unnecessary questions.”

As she leaves the podium Jumpin’ Joe Biden shuffles up to the microphone and greets the White House Press Corp with a flash of his bionic choppers and a bubbly “I’ve got this” lack of concern.

When the Fox News reporter attempts to ask the octogenarian denizen of the West Wing about the seventeenth classified document cache discovered that morning, Biden raises his arms as if to fend off the question and starts talking, “Now hold on, hold on.  People have been talking behind my back about how the Deep State is turning against me and wants me to resign.  Well, fat chance.

The American people aren’t interested in these documents.  The documents are classified.  Classified!  That means they’re secret.  Americans aren’t allowed to know what’s in them.  So obviously I’m not going to talk about them.  Good Americans won’t want to know about them.  That’s just common sense.  So that means that those Americans who want to know about these documents are bad Americans.  Bad!  And bad Americans are what we’ve been fighting against since I took office in 2021.

They attacked our democracy on January 6th and thousands of Capitol police officers were slaughtered and millions of IRS agents were killed in the suitcase nuke they unleashed.  Or almost unleashed.  Because I was there to save them.  I threw myself on the suitcase and absorbed the full blast.  This temporarily neutralized my super strength and x-ray vision but later on those powers came back.

And that brings me to what I really want to talk about today.  The Second Amendment.  Or rather the myth of the Second Amendment.  A lot of trouble makers have been telling people that the Constitution includes a right to bear arms.  Well, this seemed very strange to me so I had top men looking into this.  J Edgar Hoover, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, who isn’t a man but could be if she decides she wants to be one.  And they’ve reported back that it’s just not true.  When they went back to the original copy of the Constitution there was an asterisk in invisible ink next to the Second Amendment that can only be seen using Ben Franklin’s bifocals, and that leads to an equally invisible footnote that says, “Amendment deleted due to Consumer Safety concerns and environmental effects of gun powder.”  True story!

So effective immediately we’ll be rounding up all those illegal guns.  And hopefully none of these illegal gun owners will get any funny ideas about resisting.  You know an AR-15 isn’t exactly an F-15.  And a 30-megaton thermonuclear ICBM trumps a protest march six ways from Sunday.  Now I’ve got to run because the local Catholic girls’ middle school is presenting me with a plaque that says “World’s Greatest President” and I’ve heard they all have great shampoo choices there.  True story!”

Biden walks confusedly away from the podium and is intercepted by Dr. Jill who gives him his juice box and leads him toward the Oval Office for his 10 am full body blood replacement and electroshock therapy.  The White House Press Corp stare helplessly at each other and dejectedly update their resumes.

13JAN2023 – This’N’That

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It’s been a busy week and that plays havoc with my various schedules.  I’ve of late drawn up a list of things I try to get done at various times of the day and week.  C’est la guerre.  But all in all, things are still moving along.  And my morale is reasonable.  So onward and upward.

I see that Dopey Joe has stepped in it with both feet with this document thing.  Of course, he’ll get the Democrat treatment so there won’t be any consequences but it does make the hypocrisy of what they’re trying to do to Trump even more egregious.  Good.  Hammering home all the corrupt aspects of the banana republic we now live in is probably the only useful function that the GOP and the small independent media can perform.

I spent some time at a Selectman’s Meeting and saw what an actual government is supposed to be working on; trying to find the money to pay for a new piece of fire fighting equipment to replace one that was end-of-life twenty-five years ago or finding money to pay for Emergency Medical Services that we lost through the incompetence of the state we live in.  The people at this meeting weren’t wearing three-piece suits or sipping lattes.  They were in work boots and jeans.  And they looked tired.  They have real jobs but they work in the evenings keeping the town government going even though they’d like to quit.  But then it would be done by really terrible people.  It’s not fun being a red town in a blue state.  Well, I got some inspiration at least.  And I met some good people.  They don’t resemble the mythical First Selectman Cthulhu or the other hapless denizens of Dunwich but I can still use them as inspiration.

I’ll have to think about the Biden humor pieces I started doing yesterday.  It was brought up that’s it’s devilishly difficult to parody a president as awful as Dementia Joe.  His lying is so epic that it’s hard to see how I can outdo it.  And he’s so creepy in real life that even documenting it raises concerns over matters of good taste on a general audience website.  So, I’ll try to ensure that I create a product that is both entertaining and true to the spirit of our “Dear Leader.”  I will admit that I had a bit of fun writing it.  Biden is such a hapless loser when he tries to justify himself that I can’t help but laugh when I mock him.  And there’s so much fodder to work with.  Anywhere you stick a shovel you hit paydirt.  I could probably do a whole post just on his use of the term, malarkey.  So, we’ll see how it goes.

Seeing how annoyed all the lefties were about the outcome in the House of Representatives I have to conclude that the whole thing was a net positive.  Maybe Kevin McCarthy even learned something about dealing with free people.  Now we’ll have to see if any of the changes being instituted make a difference or whether the Republicans just roll over and obey Biden, Schumer and the vested interests who donate to their war chests.  Still, I did think there was value in seeing a little real insurrection in the House.

Well anyway, here’s to the beginning of a good weekend.  And hopefully I’ll have more to show real soon.

The Further Adventures of Hard Boiled, Two-Fisted Joe Biden – Episode I – Bullitt Files

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As the hour approached 3pm the reporters in the White House press room grew restive.  They had been waiting two hours for President Biden to appear for his one o’clock briefing on the seventh cache of top-secret documents that had been discovered in one of Joe Biden’s far-flung empire of garages housing vintage sports cars.

When the octogenarian commander in chief appeared he quickly saluted a coat rack that had a blue suit jacket on it and mounted the lectern where his voluminous notes were waiting for him.  After unclenching his porcelain phalanx of state-of-the-art dental implants and shouting out the names of one or two deceased journalists the peripatetic president walked up and down the aisle mingling with the reporters; slapping the back of one misidentified NY Times White House correspondent and sniffing the hair of a middle-aged female Marine officer who had the misfortune to be within range of the sidler in chief.  Finally, he was corralled by his press secretary and two secret service agents and returned to the lectern.

Once he settled down a little and expelled a little gas he looked out over the audience and said, “Well, here I am.  What do you want to know?”

The Fox News White House anchor shouted out, “Mr. President, what kind of car was in this garage?”  Biden shot back, “It was a black 1968 Dodge Charger R/T.  It’s the very car I drove in the motion picture Bullitt back in 1968.  The reporter was taken aback, “Mr. President, you would have been twenty-six years old in 1968.  The man driving that car was in his early fifties.”  Biden flashed his biggest Joker grin and said, “That’s what they wanted you to believe.  I wore one of those latex masks that fit over your whole head.  You have to look at the scene really close to tell it’s me.  That was one of my best roles in Hollywood.”

The stunned talking head shook off his amazement and followed up, “Be that as it may Mr. President, what do you say that this latest trove of documents includes three separate CIA reports on the highly suspicious activities of your son Hunter in Russia, Ukraine and Epstein’s Island?”  Without missing a beat Dementia Joe replied, “Why there’s nothing unusual about those files being found there.  And by the way, it’s almost certain that they were planted there by Russian agents working in lockstep with Vladimir Putin and co-conspirator Donald J. Trump.  It’s like I said to Franklin Delano Roosevelt the time I visited him at the White House in his last term.  “Frank” I said, I always called him Frank, “Frank you can’t be too careful about those Rooskies.  They’re always trying to set up good honest Americans like us.””

The reporter’s mouth was sort of hanging open, “Mr. President, FDR died when you were two years old.”  Nonplussed, Biden shouted back, “That’s what they’d like you to believe.  If you believe everything THEY tell you, y’all will be back in chains, y’all.  The Asian American reporter could only reply weakly, “Y’all?”

But by then Biden was taking his victory lap, “Look it up on Wikipedia, it’s right there in black and white.  Say everybody I think we’ve wasted enough time on this trivia.  I’m late for my 1:30 military briefing on China and I hear we’ll be bombing them tomorrow so I really have to scoot.  But it was good seeing y’all.

 

Udate:

Chemist:

In reply to photog.

Proof! Here is Slow Joe driving a Semi:

Biden Blames Putin for Gas Prices, Stagflation, COVID Crisis, Afghan Debacle, Crime Wave in Cities and Incontinence

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Washington D.C. – American President Joseph Biden gave a hard hitting if somewhat confusing speech today in front of the Trade Union Delegation from Inner Outer Stanstanistan.  To the somewhat bemused pastoral herdsmen in their colorful native garb the animated but sometimes incoherent stateman was highly entertaining.  Of course, since the translator was speaking in Outer Inner Stanstanistanian they couldn’t understand anything he said.  But their spokesman was quoted as saying “we could tell he really meant whatever it was he was saying.”

After blaming every domestic and foreign policy debacle in his administration on the Russian strongman, Biden finished up the speech with an appeal for lower priced insulin that ended with him repeatedly striking the podium with his shoe.  This got a standing ovation from the herdsmen who remembered old video clips of Khrushchev at the UN that they had watched during lunch break in grammar school.  The emotional yak herders left the meeting chanting, “We will bury you, we will bury you” in fairly good Russian.

MSNBC reported that the speech is widely believed to be the talking points for the Democrat mid-term elections campaign platform.  Rachel Maddow explained, “We will blame everything on Putin.  Inflation, Putin.  Crime, Putin.  Biden’s flatulence, Putin.  There is even talk of finding footage of Putin standing on George Floyd’s neck whenever Chauvin needed to be spelled.  We drew the line at implicating him in the Kennedy assassination because Putin was eleven at the time and known to be a fairly poor shot with a rifle.”

Caught flat-footed by this new scheme Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell was quoted as saying, “Huh?”

After the speech a news team was sent out to a local gas station to do a man on the street interview with a consumer filling his gas tank.  After watching a clip from the speech, the motorist reached into his car and proceeded to brain the reporter with a baseball bat.  Police were called to the scene and after watching the video, they emptied the clips of their sidearms into the now motionless reporter and left.  The rest of the news crew beat a tactical retreat back to MSNBC where they suggested that the DNC might want to do a little more focus group workshopping of the idea.  But they stressed that heavy blunt objects and pointed and sharp-edged utensils be removed from the premises beforehand.

Later that night a medical emergency was declared at the White House.  During dinner when asked by Doctor Jill what he had done that day President Biden began to repeat the word Putin over and over in a continuous string; putinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputiputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputin!!!!!

When the doctors arrived, the president was diagnosed with a rare form of political Tourette’s syndrome.  It is now believed that for the rest of his life he will only be able to utter combinations of the two syllables pu and tin.  When questioned about this development White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that this situation was Putin’s fault but that it would pose no real problem to President Biden continuing his present activities.  In fact, Psaki hinted that the new situation might actually make her job easier.

However, after hearing that the condition was permanent First Lady Doctor Jill packed her bag and left the White House with her secret service detail in tow.  She was quoted as saying, “That’s enough.  I’m out.”

Dementia Joe Swapping Out German Shepherds at Furious Rate

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A press release announced the Bidens’ new pet.

President Joe Biden introduced the puppy, Commander, in a video posted Monday to Twitter.

“Meet the newest Biden,” the tweet said.

In the video, the playful pup runs to the president, who greets it with “Hey, pal. How you doing? How are you?”

And details were given on past Biden German Shepherds.

In March, Biden’s second German shepherd, a 3-year-old rescue named Major, nipped a Secret Service agent’s hand in an “extremely minor” incident, another Secret Service official confirmed.

Major was sent to live at the family’s home in Delaware after the injury. Champ was also being cared for by family friends in Wilmington at the time.

The new presidential pet arrives six months after Biden and his family mourned the loss of their German shepherd Champ.  “Our hearts are heavy today as we let you all know that our beloved German Shepherd, Champ, passed away peacefully at home,” a statement from the White House said at the time.

But other more sinister theories have emerged.

Unnamed but reliable sources have alleged that the Biden Administration is assembling an army of German Shepherds to protect Joe Biden when Kamala Harris sends her hit squad to take out Dementia Joe early in 2021.  The activities are being hidden behind a simple ruse of claiming that the Bidens like dogs.

This elaborate theory replaces the earlier and simpler idea that Joe wanted the dogs around to blame for any bad smells or actual dumps found around the White House by staff and visitors.

Personally I think we should go with Occam’s Razor.  We know Joe is having serious digestive issues and any hit team Harris sends will be almost as inept as she is.  My only input here is that it seems excessively cruel even for Dementia Joe to expose these poor canines to himself, Dr. Jill and Jen Psaki on a daily basis.  Possibly a local humane society could rescue these poor dogs and replace them with hyenas that are well documented as being monstrously cruel and hideous in appearance and thus would be right at home at the White House.

Carville Advises Biden on Ingenious Strategy to Restore His Poll Numbers: Medically Induced Coma

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James Carville, the “Ragin’ Cajun” carnival barker of democratic political advisors, this week counselled President Joe Biden to adopt a radical strategy to restore his presidency, medically induced coma.  The ingenious plan came to Carville when he analyzed micro polls that are taken every second of the day on the interwebs and register the meaningless momentary thoughts of very stupid people who constantly click on web polls.  During Dementia Joe’s colonoscopy Carville noted that Biden’s job approval trended continuously upward from 12.0% to a mind-boggling 12.6%.  Interestingly during this same time period when Kamala Harris was the de facto President of the United States her job approval rating went from 1.6% to 0.1%.

Carville immediately saw the possibilities and crafted the plan.  He advised Sleepy Joe to have himself placed in a medically induced coma for the remainder of his term in office.  By November of 2024 Carville calculated that Biden’s approval rating will be approximately 124.3%.  This should guarantee his reelection and allow him the mandate he’ll need to fundamentally transform the United States, again.

But when the plan was approved and announced to the Biden cabinet it spawned a firestorm of outrage.  Kamala Harris screamed, “He’s not leaving me holding the bag on this turkey of an administration.  I’ll beat him to the punch.  I’m gonna coma this afternoon.”  And just like that every member of the administration in the chain of succession to the presidency rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center to be induced into medical comas.  The only mishap was with Speaker Pelosi.  While setting up the IV, a few drops of her blood came in contact with a spark and because of the high alcohol content there was a flash back in which the Speaker of the House was incinerated.

This brilliant strategy has had one drawback.  Once the chain reaction of comas subsided it was discovered that the presidential succession devolved onto Cletus Burbank, the night janitor at the White House.  But the amazing thing is that despite Carville’s data once Burbank was installed as president his job approval rating soared to 94.1%.  When contacted to account for this anomalous success, interim President Burbank stated, “I make sure all the doors are locked before I leave in the morning and all the toilets are cleaned and have a roll of paper.  Everything else is somebody else’s problem, if you know what I mean.”

Republican strategists are working feverishly to counter this brilliant ploy and vow to have both the Republican members of Congress and the Republican Supreme Court appointees under medical comas within the week.  Mitch McConnel was heard to say, “If those bastards think we’ll take this lying down … well I guess they’re right.  Because I suppose you have to lie down when you’re in a coma.”

The upshot of this phenomenon in Washington is that the federal government has ground to a virtual standstill.  Coincidentally, GDP has soared and crime has dipped to its lowest level in 100 years.  No one in the government was available for comment.

Biden Colonoscopy – Mission Accomplished

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Joe Biden’s colon was successfully scoped today.  Due to some fears about military doctors getting back at the Commander in Chief for the Afghan debacle the procedure was shifted away from Walter Reed Medical Center and to the local Duane Reade Pharmacy where Mr. Biden shops for his adult diaper supplies.

This colonoscopy wasn’t a regularly scheduled procedure but was strenuously requested by the State Department at the behest of the Vatican and British Monarchy.  Both organizations had lodged protests against the US Government claiming treaty breaches on the biological warfare front.  The voice message form the Papacy said, “Eeffa you letta that sumavabeetch back here again you betta make a sure he’s a not a gotta the blacka death a hidin’ a up there.  Get a camera up a there you dopey bastardos.

Although the medical privacy acts protect release of the details of the procedure certain information was gleaned by interviewing some of the ancillary members of the surgical team.  Team member Lloyd Bender who performs clean up in aisle four revealed that the scope discovered a large bolus of mummified gorgonzola cheese lodged in the presidential colon.  Dislodging it proved difficult.  Lloyd attested, “We tried pulling it out but it was the size of a bowling ball so you can guess that was a problem.  By a stroke of luck, we had the Roto-Rooter guy in house working on a sewage line that was blocked.  So, we asked him if he would do something for us if we kicked in another forty bucks and he was very obliging.  So, he got the thing done.  But he did say he’d have to get a new rig because the gorgonzola did a job on his setup.  And not for nothing but we had to close shop because the stench was awful.  But it’s done.  And I never want to get involved in anything like that again.”

Mr. Biden seemed subdued after his ordeal and he was walking kind of funny but his press secretary Jen Psaki said that all rumors about foreign cheeses and commercial sewage line clearance equipment were greatly exaggerated.  Later on today Mr. Biden felt himself sufficiently back to normal to make this short statement to the press, “My butt’s been wiped and is squeaky clean.”