Tag: Biden humor

Biden Blames Putin for Gas Prices, Stagflation, COVID Crisis, Afghan Debacle, Crime Wave in Cities and Incontinence

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Washington D.C. – American President Joseph Biden gave a hard hitting if somewhat confusing speech today in front of the Trade Union Delegation from Inner Outer Stanstanistan.  To the somewhat bemused pastoral herdsmen in their colorful native garb the animated but sometimes incoherent stateman was highly entertaining.  Of course, since the translator was speaking in Outer Inner Stanstanistanian they couldn’t understand anything he said.  But their spokesman was quoted as saying “we could tell he really meant whatever it was he was saying.”

After blaming every domestic and foreign policy debacle in his administration on the Russian strongman, Biden finished up the speech with an appeal for lower priced insulin that ended with him repeatedly striking the podium with his shoe.  This got a standing ovation from the herdsmen who remembered old video clips of Khrushchev at the UN that they had watched during lunch break in grammar school.  The emotional yak herders left the meeting chanting, “We will bury you, we will bury you” in fairly good Russian.

MSNBC reported that the speech is widely believed to be the talking points for the Democrat mid-term elections campaign platform.  Rachel Maddow explained, “We will blame everything on Putin.  Inflation, Putin.  Crime, Putin.  Biden’s flatulence, Putin.  There is even talk of finding footage of Putin standing on George Floyd’s neck whenever Chauvin needed to be spelled.  We drew the line at implicating him in the Kennedy assassination because Putin was eleven at the time and known to be a fairly poor shot with a rifle.”

Caught flat-footed by this new scheme Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell was quoted as saying, “Huh?”

After the speech a news team was sent out to a local gas station to do a man on the street interview with a consumer filling his gas tank.  After watching a clip from the speech, the motorist reached into his car and proceeded to brain the reporter with a baseball bat.  Police were called to the scene and after watching the video, they emptied the clips of their sidearms into the now motionless reporter and left.  The rest of the news crew beat a tactical retreat back to MSNBC where they suggested that the DNC might want to do a little more focus group workshopping of the idea.  But they stressed that heavy blunt objects and pointed and sharp-edged utensils be removed from the premises beforehand.

Later that night a medical emergency was declared at the White House.  During dinner when asked by Doctor Jill what he had done that day President Biden began to repeat the word Putin over and over in a continuous string; putinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputiputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputin!!!!!

When the doctors arrived, the president was diagnosed with a rare form of political Tourette’s syndrome.  It is now believed that for the rest of his life he will only be able to utter combinations of the two syllables pu and tin.  When questioned about this development White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that this situation was Putin’s fault but that it would pose no real problem to President Biden continuing his present activities.  In fact, Psaki hinted that the new situation might actually make her job easier.

However, after hearing that the condition was permanent First Lady Doctor Jill packed her bag and left the White House with her secret service detail in tow.  She was quoted as saying, “That’s enough.  I’m out.”

Dementia Joe Swapping Out German Shepherds at Furious Rate

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A press release announced the Bidens’ new pet.

President Joe Biden introduced the puppy, Commander, in a video posted Monday to Twitter.

“Meet the newest Biden,” the tweet said.

In the video, the playful pup runs to the president, who greets it with “Hey, pal. How you doing? How are you?”

And details were given on past Biden German Shepherds.

In March, Biden’s second German shepherd, a 3-year-old rescue named Major, nipped a Secret Service agent’s hand in an “extremely minor” incident, another Secret Service official confirmed.

Major was sent to live at the family’s home in Delaware after the injury. Champ was also being cared for by family friends in Wilmington at the time.

The new presidential pet arrives six months after Biden and his family mourned the loss of their German shepherd Champ.  “Our hearts are heavy today as we let you all know that our beloved German Shepherd, Champ, passed away peacefully at home,” a statement from the White House said at the time.

But other more sinister theories have emerged.

Unnamed but reliable sources have alleged that the Biden Administration is assembling an army of German Shepherds to protect Joe Biden when Kamala Harris sends her hit squad to take out Dementia Joe early in 2021.  The activities are being hidden behind a simple ruse of claiming that the Bidens like dogs.

This elaborate theory replaces the earlier and simpler idea that Joe wanted the dogs around to blame for any bad smells or actual dumps found around the White House by staff and visitors.

Personally I think we should go with Occam’s Razor.  We know Joe is having serious digestive issues and any hit team Harris sends will be almost as inept as she is.  My only input here is that it seems excessively cruel even for Dementia Joe to expose these poor canines to himself, Dr. Jill and Jen Psaki on a daily basis.  Possibly a local humane society could rescue these poor dogs and replace them with hyenas that are well documented as being monstrously cruel and hideous in appearance and thus would be right at home at the White House.

Carville Advises Biden on Ingenious Strategy to Restore His Poll Numbers: Medically Induced Coma

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James Carville, the “Ragin’ Cajun” carnival barker of democratic political advisors, this week counselled President Joe Biden to adopt a radical strategy to restore his presidency, medically induced coma.  The ingenious plan came to Carville when he analyzed micro polls that are taken every second of the day on the interwebs and register the meaningless momentary thoughts of very stupid people who constantly click on web polls.  During Dementia Joe’s colonoscopy Carville noted that Biden’s job approval trended continuously upward from 12.0% to a mind-boggling 12.6%.  Interestingly during this same time period when Kamala Harris was the de facto President of the United States her job approval rating went from 1.6% to 0.1%.

Carville immediately saw the possibilities and crafted the plan.  He advised Sleepy Joe to have himself placed in a medically induced coma for the remainder of his term in office.  By November of 2024 Carville calculated that Biden’s approval rating will be approximately 124.3%.  This should guarantee his reelection and allow him the mandate he’ll need to fundamentally transform the United States, again.

But when the plan was approved and announced to the Biden cabinet it spawned a firestorm of outrage.  Kamala Harris screamed, “He’s not leaving me holding the bag on this turkey of an administration.  I’ll beat him to the punch.  I’m gonna coma this afternoon.”  And just like that every member of the administration in the chain of succession to the presidency rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center to be induced into medical comas.  The only mishap was with Speaker Pelosi.  While setting up the IV, a few drops of her blood came in contact with a spark and because of the high alcohol content there was a flash back in which the Speaker of the House was incinerated.

This brilliant strategy has had one drawback.  Once the chain reaction of comas subsided it was discovered that the presidential succession devolved onto Cletus Burbank, the night janitor at the White House.  But the amazing thing is that despite Carville’s data once Burbank was installed as president his job approval rating soared to 94.1%.  When contacted to account for this anomalous success, interim President Burbank stated, “I make sure all the doors are locked before I leave in the morning and all the toilets are cleaned and have a roll of paper.  Everything else is somebody else’s problem, if you know what I mean.”

Republican strategists are working feverishly to counter this brilliant ploy and vow to have both the Republican members of Congress and the Republican Supreme Court appointees under medical comas within the week.  Mitch McConnel was heard to say, “If those bastards think we’ll take this lying down … well I guess they’re right.  Because I suppose you have to lie down when you’re in a coma.”

The upshot of this phenomenon in Washington is that the federal government has ground to a virtual standstill.  Coincidentally, GDP has soared and crime has dipped to its lowest level in 100 years.  No one in the government was available for comment.

Biden Colonoscopy – Mission Accomplished

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Joe Biden’s colon was successfully scoped today.  Due to some fears about military doctors getting back at the Commander in Chief for the Afghan debacle the procedure was shifted away from Walter Reed Medical Center and to the local Duane Reade Pharmacy where Mr. Biden shops for his adult diaper supplies.

This colonoscopy wasn’t a regularly scheduled procedure but was strenuously requested by the State Department at the behest of the Vatican and British Monarchy.  Both organizations had lodged protests against the US Government claiming treaty breaches on the biological warfare front.  The voice message form the Papacy said, “Eeffa you letta that sumavabeetch back here again you betta make a sure he’s a not a gotta the blacka death a hidin’ a up there.  Get a camera up a there you dopey bastardos.

Although the medical privacy acts protect release of the details of the procedure certain information was gleaned by interviewing some of the ancillary members of the surgical team.  Team member Lloyd Bender who performs clean up in aisle four revealed that the scope discovered a large bolus of mummified gorgonzola cheese lodged in the presidential colon.  Dislodging it proved difficult.  Lloyd attested, “We tried pulling it out but it was the size of a bowling ball so you can guess that was a problem.  By a stroke of luck, we had the Roto-Rooter guy in house working on a sewage line that was blocked.  So, we asked him if he would do something for us if we kicked in another forty bucks and he was very obliging.  So, he got the thing done.  But he did say he’d have to get a new rig because the gorgonzola did a job on his setup.  And not for nothing but we had to close shop because the stench was awful.  But it’s done.  And I never want to get involved in anything like that again.”

Mr. Biden seemed subdued after his ordeal and he was walking kind of funny but his press secretary Jen Psaki said that all rumors about foreign cheeses and commercial sewage line clearance equipment were greatly exaggerated.  Later on today Mr. Biden felt himself sufficiently back to normal to make this short statement to the press, “My butt’s been wiped and is squeaky clean.”

2021 Election Stuff

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I’ve been recovering the last few days from a bug.  It had some of the symptoms of a flu like muscle aches and headache but no fever.  Very strange.  But sitting in the center of the witches’ brew of manufactured viruses and untested vaccines I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow I woke up and had blue stripes running around my face.

We live in interesting times.  The Nov 2nd election day is pretty small stuff but the gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey will be very early tests of just how unpopular the Democrats have made themselves.  New Jersey is a very blue state but they alternate between Democrat and Republican governors.  The Republicans are brought in every eight years to undo some of the damage done by the previous Democrat regime.  But this is just the end of the Democrat’s first term so a loss would be unusual. Massachusetts does a similar thing.  All federal positions are a Democrat lock but they bring in a Republican governor whenever the taxes, graft and dysfunction become too painful.

Virginia recently slipped from a purple state to a blue one.  It’s assumed the Democrats will hold the governor’s mansion.  But the Loudon County public schools CRT flap and the recent rapes by a “transgender” student have rattled a lot of suburban moms and there is a thought that this might tip the election to the Republican.

With respect to New Jersey, I think it’s highly unlikely that they will replace their current Democrat governor.  He’s only served one four-year term and although he has killed a goodly number of nursing home residents during the COVID debacle he probably hasn’t completely drained the state treasury yet.  So, I say he’ll be reelected.

In Virginia I think this election will be a test case for how thorough the state’s fraudulent election process is.  If they’ve locked it down so that no matter how many votes the Republicans get the Democrats will still win by the requisite two percent then this will be a bellwether for the rest of the country.  And it will throw the gauntlet down for any states like Georgia that have enacted legislation to prevent fraud.  With the whole country watching if Virginia is able to thumb their noses at election fraud scrutiny and bring home the bacon for the Democrats then Atlanta is going to have to suck it up and repeat the bang up job they did in 2020.

But if by some miracle, both governors’ races go to the Republicans it will be a flashing red light that 2022 will be a massacre for the Democrats.  And it might mean even Democrats don’t like what’s happening in their country and want to turn things around.  But we’re talking major miracles here so I don’t think so.

As far as the country at large it has been heartening to see the rise of the “Let’s Go Brandon” meme and also the Jet Pack Joe thing too.  Seeing Dementia Joe denigrated and mocked is a great thing indeed.  What I’d love to see is a little chant going on in the White House press briefing.  How would Psaki react to that?

Some people probably don’t think that open mockery of the president is that big a deal.  But they’re wrong.  Having this ricochet around the news cycle is exactly the kind of thing that demoralizes the people in the administration who are the true believers and think they’ve got the youth demographic on their side.  To hear stadiums of young people shouting the Joe Biden f-bomb chant puts the lie to that.  But like any meme they get stale quickly so something new is needed every month or so.  Hopefully some new angle on the mockery will surface soon.  And it will.  Looking at Biden performing at that town hall it’s pretty apparent that he is not a well man.  And that’s even taking his age into account.  With the economy in a stagflation death spiral it won’t be long before Joe will be forced to give the Carter Malaise Speech which should be the last nail in the coffin.  I wonder how Kamala will like being president in 2022 when the Congress flips against her?  Hopefully she’s practicing that creepy cackle that she stole from Hillary for the questions she’ll get that election day.

Boy, I sound much too cheerful.  I guess I haven’t bought gasoline recently.  When I do that should sober me up.  Now that I’m mostly recovered, I hope to get back to my usual schedule.  Halloween is Sunday and I’ve been trying to come up with something appropriate but nothing has presented itself so far.  But I’ll do my best to honor the holiday.  Tradition is important.

Well, that enough for now.  Stay tuned for bigger and better things.

 

Update: Interestingly, Fox News has come out with a poll showing the Republican candidate in the Virginia  governor’s race  (Youngkin) is ahead 53% to 45%.  Well shut my mouth and stuff it up with corn pone!  The South is rising again!

Animatronic Biden Enters Olympics as Transgender Biden – Crushes the Competition in Women’s Track and Field

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Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm.  Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events.  The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one.  Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman.  But such is life in these enlightened times.

The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw.  When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw.  Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event.  The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m.  But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary.  This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.”  But the officials decided to leave well enough alone.  To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws.  And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.

After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner.  But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”

CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete.  But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders.  Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder.  Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult.  But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires.  An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself.  Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity.  He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for.  And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star.  Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”

Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports.  She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!”  The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff.  Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip.  And she’s quite a looker too!”