Tag: Biden humor

Meet the Pest

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Jonathan Capon:  Good evening I’m Jonathan Capon of the Washington Post.

David Books:  And I’m David Books of the New York Times.  And you’re watching the PBS News Hour.  Tonight, we will be speaking to former US President Joe Bilephlegm and his wonderful wife Dr. Jill.  Welcome Mr. President and First Lady.

President Bilephlegm:  Thank you, Phil.  It’s good to be back in Washington.  Where I belong.

Jill Bilephlegm:  Thank you, David.  He meant David.

David Books:  Yes, I’m sure he did.  Mr. President, since your withdrawal from the 2024 race and the subsequent catastrophic loss of your vice president to Donald Trump many people have been waiting for you to speak candidly about what you think happened in the election and what could have been done to prevent the loss.

President Bilephlegm:  I’m glad you asked Brad.  The answer is simple.  When I rope-a-doped Trump in the first debate many faint-hearted Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and George Clooney panicked.  They thought I really had gone bananas and began shouting for me to drop out of the race.  And then that bedwetter George Stepha-what’s-his-name piled on and before you know it, I’ve been kicked to the curb by these weak-kneed cowards.  And that left that drunken bimbo to try and face Donald Trump on her own.  It was hopeless.

Jonathan Capon:  Mr. President are you seriously claiming that your performance at the debate was an act?  Because at the time it was described as a shambolic disaster of the first water.

President Bilephlegm:  Listen nancy boy I’ve been handling bullies like Trump since before you groveled before your first editor.  I was first in my class at Harvard.  I took a bullet for Nelson Mandela and I fought at Iwo Jima.

Jonathan Capon:  What?  You barely graduated from the University of Delaware.  You never met Mandela.  And you were three years old when Iwo Jima was fought.  How could you possibly have been there?

President Bilephlegm:  I fought at the second battle of Iwo Jima.  It wasn’t as famous but the fighting was even tougher.  I was wounded five times and received three Congressional medals of honor for my service.  I turned the tide of the battle single-handedly and routed the Russians.

Jonathan Capon:  Oh, that’s enough, I’m out of here. (leaves the stage)

Jill Bilephlegm:  Come back Jonathan, you have to let him tell his story his own way.  He’s a great communicator.

President Bilephlegm:  Let him go.  I’ll tell my story to Freddie over here.  He’s a real newsman.

David Books:  It’s David, Mr. President, not Freddie.

President Bilephlegm:  Whatever you want to call yourself is fine with me Kemosabe.  Look I’m trying to get my story out so that my 2028 campaign will get off on the right track.  In 2026 I’ve got to hit the ground running if I want to get the moderate vote sewn up early.

David Books:  Mr. President, are you out of your mind?  You can’t run for president again.  You’d be ninety years old by the end of that term.

President Bilephlegm:  So?  Ninety is just a number.  Remember what Morning Schmoe said about me last year.  He said that intellectually, analytically, I was the best Bilephlegm there ever was.  And he was right!

David Books:  Well, their parent company is trying to spin off his network and lay off Morning Schmoe even as we speak so I wouldn’t give that too much weight.

President Bilephlegm:  Listen Brainiac, they laughed at Trump when he said he was coming back after a four-year hiatus and look at him now.  Why, he bestrides the known world like a colostomy.  In four years when he can’t run again, I’ll be back and I’ll win.

David Books:  With all due respect Mr. President, in four years you won’t be able to say your own name.

President Bilephlegm:  So what?  FDR had Elanor to help him.  I’ll have what’s-her-name over there to do the heavy lifting.  We’re a team.  And Hunter is already lining up some trade deals that should net billions for us.

David Books:  Who’s “us.”

President Bilephlegm:  The American people of course.

David Books:  Alright, that’s enough.  I’m going back to Canada.  At least our crooks don’t smell this bad (leaves stage).

President Bilephlegm:  (speaking in a stage whisper) So, all of you viewers out there, remember to vote for good old Joe.  (yelling) Don’t let the Nazis win!

A Sense of Loss

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“I can imagine what can be, unburdened by what has been.”  “Cannibals ate my Uncle Bosie.”

We all will feel a real sense of loss when Joe and Kamala move onto the next chapters of their lives.  Well, Kamala will anyway.  There is no next chapter of Joe’s life.  There may not be a next paragraph or even sentence.  If Biden shows up at the Inauguration, I hope someone will have had the foresight to bring along a body bag and some absorbent material; kitty litter or paper towels or something.

But we will be losing a lot.  I can remember in 2021 and 2022 when things were truly awful with COVID and the restrictions around it.  It was only Joe’s struggles with gravity that gave me the will to go on.  And what about Kamala’s pronouncements about yellow school buses and Venn diagrams?  It was only this level of idiocy that gave me the hope that even the American public would back away from the edge of the Abyss and send these two boobs packing in 2024.  Sure, it was thin gruel to keep us going for three and a half years but it was all we had.

And it worked!  In July when I watched Joe Biden in the debate it was like the clouds parting and the sun blazing out at me.  It was the promise of all those gaffes, flubs and pratfalls coming home to roost for the Democrats.  And it was not only that.  It was this fumbling, bumbling, inarticulate, incoherent dementia patient juxtapositioned against all the sound bites of politicians and reporters and talking heads like Morning Joe swearing on a stack of bibles that Jumping Joe Biden was “as sharp as a tack,” that “this version of Biden … is the best Biden ever.”  It was Christmas in July.  The horror and panic that descended on Washington and Hollywood and New York was hilarious.  And the more the Left begged Biden to drop out the more he doubled down.  The interview he did with Stephanopoulos was remarkable.  You could see the pain on Stephanopoulos’s face as he tried his best to put the dots together for Biden on how hopeless his chances were.

And finally, when Pelosi and her hatchet-men had delivered some doomsday ultimatum to Biden to force him out of the race, imagine the horror the campaign faced when they evaluated how they could package and sell Kamala.  Their first idea was the best; don’t let her say anything except, “joy.”  They used that for about a month, that and whatever versions of it they could frame.  I guess the most embarrassing was Kamala is “brat.”  But eventually they had to let her talk and that would eventually remind voters that presidents have to be able to speak and by extension, think.  And of course that is Kamala’s weak point.  Well, it’s one of them.  She’s also unlikeable and, perhaps worse, she’s incandescently inauthentic.  Everything she says comes across as an absurd lie that everyone can see through.

And so, the Left went from Biden to Harris.  Scylla to Charybdis.  Bad to worse.  Dumb and dumber.  I can only imagine the horror of the campaign team.  There must have been an ocean of booze imbibed during the campaign to keep the staff from bolting for the exits.  And the Democrat voters told themselves so many lies and so many contrasting versions of the truth, that it must have been like some kind of self-inflicted brainwashing protocol.  Yesterday, Biden is a super genius.  Today he’s a doddering moron and Harris is a political dynamo and a lock for the win. Tomorrow they’re praying for the Never-Trumpers like Liz Cheney to save them from a razor thin margin.  And then the morning after, it’s a wipeout and she never had a chance.  And thus, was spawned a thousand TikTok videos of angry women screaming at their phones about fascism, the 4B Movement and never going to Thanksgiving ever again.  Oh, so wonderful, oh so painful.

Well, we won’t have Joe Biden to kick around anymore.  I doubt anyone will even attend his funeral.  And Kamala will return to California where she hopes to become governor.  I kind of doubt it will happen.  If nothing else this campaign has made a lasting impression on everyone about just how stupid this woman is.  Maybe she can be mayor of San Francisco for life.  Those people have so much white guilt that setting up Kamala as a figurehead leader would make sense to them.  But that’s about as far as she’ll go.

So that’s it.  No more Joe.  No more Kamala.  When will we see their like again?  Never!

It gives me a feeling of emptiness, of loss.  We need a new leader for the Left.  Will Obama or Michelle fill the gap?  I kind of doubt it.  Well, we’ll have to wait and see.  Goodbye Uncle Bosie.  It was fun.

“Mr. Chairman, I Nominate President Joe Biden’s Reanimated Corpse”

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I think a consensus is growing that Joe Biden is one of the “walking dead.”  Okay, maybe technically he’s still alive.  He hasn’t equilibrated to room temperature or anything but essentially he’s a mindless zombie, animated by some occult power that is directly or indirectly tied to voodoo.

And with this consensus comes the necessity of renaming him.  Currently all newscasters make a point of referring to the president as “President Joe Biden.”  It’s never “President Biden.”   It’s as if they’re afraid we might confuse him with some other President Biden.  Perhaps they’re leaving out hope for an eventual President Hunter Biden.  Who knows?

Well, fine, now I want to give him an even more specific name.  I want him designated as “President Joe Biden’s reanimated corpse.”  I think this formulation captures perfectly all of the facets of Biden.  He’s not only Biden, he’s not only the president, but he’s also a zombie in good standing.  Just watching him shambling along moaning, falling down and befouling himself upholds the finest traditions of the classic zombie profile.  And the deathly pallor, vacant stare and incoherent muttering calls up flashbacks of George Romero’s classic Night of the Living Dead.

And in honor of Biden’s homage to this classic film I want to urge that all of Joe’s voters show up on election night dressed as zombies in order to signal their solidarity with our Undead Guy in Chief.  Show up disheveled, spattered in blood and dirt and clutching a half-eaten forearm.  Proudly support the ghoulish incumbent and feel free to gibber and moan when asked which district you’re from.  But at least have the decency to have your driver’s license when you show up.  Don’t be a jerk and waste everybody’s time.

Hopefully the media will have the good sense to arrange a third presidential debate on October 31st.  Only on Halloween will the reanimated corpse of Joe Biden truly reach his full potential and perform at his full capacity.  My hope is that the moderator will be Don Lemon and Undead Joe lives up to his full potential by wandering over to the moderator’s table and devouring Lemon on live tv.  Honestly I think that would be Lemon’s finest hour and it couldn’t hurt Biden’s numbers either.

Regardless of your opinion of Joe vis-a-vis the whole breathing and heart beating thing, you’ll have to agree that we’ve moved into a whole new era with respect to presidential candidates.  Even during Bill Clinton’s time in office we expected the candidates to be lucid, somewhat eloquent and healthy enough to stand on their feet for an hour or two without collapsing or losing control of their sphincters.

Those no longer seem to be necessary.  Anyone who’s watched any of the Biden “glitches” knows that at any moment he can start spouting gibberish or lock up while some normally autonomic function of his body fails and leaves him frozen in place like a mannequin.

I guess what has happened is that president is now a figurehead for the Deep State that runs the executive branch departments and decides on the policies that control the nation.  Okay, let’s say it out loud.  Joe doesn’t really decide anything.  The people who pull his strings do that.  Maybe that makes it easier to pull that lever.

Laugh, Clown, Laugh

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Dyspepsia doesn’t strike me as a particularly attractive flavor for a pundit to emit.  I mean listening to someone like me carp about all the things that are going wrong or will go wrong sounds like the height of boredom.    But it’s also kind of the world we live in.  I guess that marinating that flavor in humor might make it more palatable for the audience.  And I do try to add gallows humor and mockery of all the truly awful villains we face whenever I can.  But sometimes it’s almost impossible to paint a smile, even a wry smile, onto my face, when considering the catastrophically damaging events that seem to happen more and more frequently every day.

But we must laugh.  Despite the fact that it is very likely that Joseph Biden will be re-elected president of the United States, or maybe because it is so likely, we must laugh at Joe Biden.  All of the gaffes, the incoherent mumbling, the lies about everything from COVID to cannibals eating his uncle, to his creepy personal interactions with everyone from small children to the Pope.  All of this needs to be mocked and laughed at.

Because we need catharsis.  In ancient Athens, comedians like Aristophanes would rail against the politicians and accuse them of all manner of dishonest and even scurrilous behavior.  And the politicians had to take it with no recourse to the law courts.  Because the Athenians believed in the almost sacred right of the people to mock their elites.  And they were right.  There has to be a place where the high and mighty get taken down a peg.  It’s necessary, it’s healthy.  If that doesn’t exist you end up with Soviet Russia where the legitimacy of the state is slowly lost to cynicism and eventually when the social capital reaches zero everyone just ignores the leaders and wander away to become bandits.

Now maybe that is our fate.  With Donald Trump being stripped of his money and his freedom by kangaroo courts it won’t take long before even comedians will be hauled off to the gulag for mocking Joe.  I fully expect in the next Biden administration laws against disinformation will probably begin to mushroom around the country.  Maybe we’ll all have to refer to Biden as “the dear leader” instead of Dementia Joe.

But in the meantime, I intend to continue mocking these turkeys whenever they do something especially absurd.  And that’s bound to be any minute.  Why just today I read that during the White House briefing Haitian Shirley Temple claimed that videos of Joe Biden staring in the wrong direction from the parachutist that landed practically at his feet at the G7 conference was a “deep fake.”  We watch as the Italian Prime Minister takes him by the arm and turns him around to see what everyone of normal intelligence has already seen.  Karine Jean-Pierre is sort of like the voice of the Wizard of Oz bellowing, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”

And who knows?  There’s always the slimmest of chances that something goes wrong and Trump gets elected.  And that would be the funniest joke of all.  Can you imagine if Trump actually did drain the swamp?  Hilarious.

Full Moron

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I watched these two Biden clips.  One has Biden spouting absolute gibberish.  Honestly, I couldn’t even guess what he was trying to say.  It was just jibber jabber.  The other has a scene where his toadies are dancing to Juneteenth dance music around him but he is frozen in a posture that makes him look like an animatronic mannequin.  Watching both of these video clips should be enough to convince any reasonable adult that Joe Biden is now hopelessly senile.  He can’t speak coherently, even when reading from a teleprompter.  His ability to perform minor tasks like walking, climbing short flights of stairs and recognizing things in his environment like entrances and exits from the platforms he is being exhibited on is evaporating.  There are even indications that he is becoming increasingly incontinent.

Under these circumstances how are we supposed to believe that he is the current leader of this country?  Other people write his speeches and executive orders and map out the agenda that is followed by the executive branch under his cabinet.  There is virtually no way any of this could be the work of Joe Biden.  Calling him a puppet is a remarkably apt expression.  That is exactly the way he looks and acts.  The only way it could be clearer is if he literally had visible strings attached to his wrists and ankles.

And yet Biden is barely a point or two behind Trump overall and even a point or two ahead in some swing states.  Can half of the country really hate Trump enough to vote for a dementia patient to lead this country through some of the most dangerous circumstances we’ve seen since the Cold War?  I guess the answer is absolutely!

So, I won’t be surprised when Joe makes his first State of the Union speech for his second term zip-tied onto a mobility device like some kind of cyborg scarecrow with a prerecorded AI voice track emanating from speakers while his mouth remains half open in a mute grimace of confusion and gas pain.

But what if Joe expires before 2029?  Will Kamala succeed to the Oval Office?  Well, somehow it seems unlikely.  And not because she’s much stupider than a mush-brained mental patient.  It’s because she’s an unpleasant idiot that makes those around her go through hell while she pretends that she’s not a moron.

So somehow there has to be a plan to move onto someone slightly less awful than Harris.  But who?  I’m going to reject the Michelle Obama theory and go directly to Oprah Winfrey.  Yes, it’s definitely Oprah’s time.  She combines many important qualities.  She’s fat, she’s a woman, she’s black, she’s rich and she’s stupid.  She’s got it all!

So as much as I’ve enjoyed the Biden years, I’m very excited to see Oprah replace Joe and lead this country into a future that staggers the imagination to visualize.  Her stupidity and her popularity will usher in a new age where all we expect from our president is an afternoon time slot on ABC and book and diet recommendations for all of the women of America.  A virtual golden age.  So, then, Vice President Joy Behar?  Oy!

Guest Contributor – Nostradumass – 07JUN2024 – Tick Tock

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Just one more of the “Things I Can’t Kontrol” (TICK)
and that TICKs me off.

such as:

Fairness in politics (TICK)
Congressional Republican Leaders I can trust (TICK)
Biden telling the truth (TICK)
Biden not shitting his pants in front of world leaders (TICK)
A secure border (TICK)
Teachers that do not teach dogma (TICK)
FBI that is non-partisan (TICK)
IRS that is non-partisan (TICK)
a free and fair election (TICK)
DOJ that does it’s job (TICK)

with all this ticking, the “Biden’s Our Mental Buffoon” (BOMB) is sure to go off soon.

Scranton Joe Biden on the Stump

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to remind you that you have a choice.  You can either vote for me; humble, lovable Joe Biden or for that Dog-faced Pony Soldier Donald Trump.  And as that clean, articulate black man Barack Obama once said, Donald Trump will never be President of the United States.

Okay, sure, that was wrong and he did become president but hopefully not again anyway.  As my Uncle Bosey once told me, “Stay away from cannibals because they’ll eat you and you’ll never be found afterwards.”  And that’s damn good advice.  Now they’re trying to say he wasn’t eaten by cannibals but who other than cannibals would eat him?  Let’s be sensible here.  He wasn’t eaten by vegans, that’s for damn sure.

But seriously folks, you can’t trust Donald Trump.  He never rides on the Amtrak.  He’s always taking first class airline flights.  He’s not one of us.  That’s because he wants to put y’all back in chains.  And if you vote for Donald Trump you ain’t black.  No joke!

When my son Hunter was killed in Iraq, Afghanistan and Ukraine fighting the Soviets he was dressed sort of like Rambo and with the muscles and the camo, so it was really something.  I remember him saying, “I just want my country to love me as much as I love it.”  And it was beautiful.  And then Xerxes army surrounded us and I threw my spear at him but only cut his face a little and then I was killed by a lot of arrows.  But luckily, I got better and here I am.  And that’s how we won in Ukraine.  Trump has never been killed in war nor have his sons so how can you trust him?

And if you think about it, Donald Trump is a lot like Corn Pop.  They’re both bad dudes who don’t follow the rules and probably don’t even wait an hour after eating before going back in the pool.  If I had the time, I’d like to bring both of them behind the shed and teach them a lesson with my bicycle chain and my boxing skills.  I’m not bragging I’m just saying that’s what I’d like to do but I can’t because of these new laws about fighting and the whole gay thing.  You’ve got to be careful not to say the wrong thing, which is tricky.

But forget all that for a minute, just remember how much better things are now that I fixed the economy.  I fixed the COVID and then I eliminated college loan debt and I got rid of gasoline and oil and now we’ve got electric cars and electric heat and everything is all electric and that’s progress.  Sure, if you’re still using the gasoline and the oil it’s a little more expensive.  And sure, maybe food and rent are up a few pennies but we’re all doing much better now than under Trump.  Just look at your 401K accounts they’re rocketing.  Why all of my green energy stocks are through the roof.  And just last week Nancy Pelosi showed me her stock portfolio and it was worth six hundred million dollars and you can’t hate that!  All these people in the Trump commercials saying they can’t make ends meet must be lying.  No joke!

So as my friend Madame Secretary of State Clinton said a while ago, “basket of deplorables.”  These dead-enders clinging to their guns and their God don’t have the votes to keep Scranton Joe Biden from coming back and finishing up his mission in Washington.  I’m going to fundamentally transform the whole United States of America into Scranton.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that’s what I’ll do.  The whole country will be just like the Scranton you see today.  Full of Amtrak stations, migrant housing, repurposed police precincts and prisons, welfare offices, needle exchange safe places, transgender bathrooms and Section 8 housing.  Welcome to the future.  So, make sure you vote for me every chance you get.  I really need your help.  Help!!!

Fabulous 2024

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JB – Welcome back to the PBS News Hour.  I’m your host Jiff Benetton and I’m here with New York Times columnist David Brooks-Brothers and Washington Post editor Jonathan Capon and we’re here to talk about the Biden reelection campaign strategy.  Tell me David, what do you think should be the Biden campaign’s highest priority right now.

DBB – Well Jiff, If I’m being honest, I think they should try to limit the number of new shooting wars to one per week.  Not that shooting wars are wrong or anything but it’s kind of a tradition to try and explain why we’re blowing up foreigners in some sort of detail.  I mean, it’s hard enough to explain who the Houthis are and why they’re not called Yemenis and where Yemen is on the map.  A recent survey revealed that 73% of Americans polled, identified the Houthis as inhabitants of the ice planet Hoth in Star Wars Episode 5; whereas in reality the desert home of the Houthis is more akin to Tatooine the home of the Tusken Raiders in Episode 4, or as I like to call it “the real Star Wars.”.

But all of this is happening while we’re still trying to explain why the Ukraine wants the Israelis’ money and it’s leading to confusion.  People are starting to get frustrated with all the flag icons they have to list on their profile on X.  Someone attempted to post the Yemeni flag with a slash through it and accidentally identified himself with the Cricket Liberation Front and a tragedy ensued.  As a simplifying strategy, during the next White House press conference I’d have Haitian Bette Boop say that all of these places are just different parts of Ukraine.  That would be best.

JB – Jonathan, what’s your take on the reelection situation?

JC – Jiff, I have just one word for Joe; FABULOUS!!!!  What the Biden campaign needs is fierce queer energy.  Joe needs a makeover.  A beehive blue wig, three-inch scarlet fingernails, stiletto heels and a B&D leather two piece should be enough to get this campaign moving.  They should bring in RuPaul as an image consultant and maybe give the First Lady a year-long furlough to an old age home to give the president room to explore his wild side.  I feel confident with Jolene Biden on the prowl the 2024 election will be jumping.  The campaign will become one big dance party!

JB – Dave, care to comment?

DBB – Uhhhhh, yeah.  I’m a little uncertain about Joe Biden as a drag queen candidate.  I’m not a hundred percent sure that the American public is ready for that much excitement.  In fact I’m pretty sure they want less Biden on their news feed.

JB – What are you saying David?

DBB – A recent poll found that 78% of Democratic voters wanted President Biden to make up fewer lies when he spoke to the press.  52% of Democratic voters said they were more likely to vote for Biden if he just hid out and didn’t show his face to the public until after the election.  I think that Drag Queen Biden would be unlikely to enhance his poll numbers.

JC – You know David, I always thought you were an ally but you sound just like a minion of the patriarchy spewing hate and trying to harsh the buzz that we LGBTQ people feel.  You white, straight, cis-gender males are the enemy of all that is queer and beautiful.  You should be ashamed for disparaging fabulous Jolene Biden and the White House Drag Extravaganza.

DBB – Yes, Jonathan.  …  I’m very ashamed.  In fact, I’ve gotta get out of here right now. (walks off the set).

JB – Well folks, you’ve witnessed history right here.  The patriarchy is reeling out of control and crashing to the ground.  If only there were a disco ball in this studio, we could celebrate the way we should.

JC – You go girlfriend!

JB – Right back at ya.  And that’s all we have.  From everybody at PBS, well everybody except that homophobe David, have a great tomorrow and a better yesterday.