Washington D.C. – American President Joseph Biden gave a hard hitting if somewhat confusing speech today in front of the Trade Union Delegation from Inner Outer Stanstanistan. To the somewhat bemused pastoral herdsmen in their colorful native garb the animated but sometimes incoherent stateman was highly entertaining. Of course, since the translator was speaking in Outer Inner Stanstanistanian they couldn’t understand anything he said. But their spokesman was quoted as saying “we could tell he really meant whatever it was he was saying.”
After blaming every domestic and foreign policy debacle in his administration on the Russian strongman, Biden finished up the speech with an appeal for lower priced insulin that ended with him repeatedly striking the podium with his shoe. This got a standing ovation from the herdsmen who remembered old video clips of Khrushchev at the UN that they had watched during lunch break in grammar school. The emotional yak herders left the meeting chanting, “We will bury you, we will bury you” in fairly good Russian.
MSNBC reported that the speech is widely believed to be the talking points for the Democrat mid-term elections campaign platform. Rachel Maddow explained, “We will blame everything on Putin. Inflation, Putin. Crime, Putin. Biden’s flatulence, Putin. There is even talk of finding footage of Putin standing on George Floyd’s neck whenever Chauvin needed to be spelled. We drew the line at implicating him in the Kennedy assassination because Putin was eleven at the time and known to be a fairly poor shot with a rifle.”
Caught flat-footed by this new scheme Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell was quoted as saying, “Huh?”
After the speech a news team was sent out to a local gas station to do a man on the street interview with a consumer filling his gas tank. After watching a clip from the speech, the motorist reached into his car and proceeded to brain the reporter with a baseball bat. Police were called to the scene and after watching the video, they emptied the clips of their sidearms into the now motionless reporter and left. The rest of the news crew beat a tactical retreat back to MSNBC where they suggested that the DNC might want to do a little more focus group workshopping of the idea. But they stressed that heavy blunt objects and pointed and sharp-edged utensils be removed from the premises beforehand.
Later that night a medical emergency was declared at the White House. During dinner when asked by Doctor Jill what he had done that day President Biden began to repeat the word Putin over and over in a continuous string; putinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputiputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputin!!!!!
When the doctors arrived, the president was diagnosed with a rare form of political Tourette’s syndrome. It is now believed that for the rest of his life he will only be able to utter combinations of the two syllables pu and tin. When questioned about this development White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that this situation was Putin’s fault but that it would pose no real problem to President Biden continuing his present activities. In fact, Psaki hinted that the new situation might actually make her job easier.
However, after hearing that the condition was permanent First Lady Doctor Jill packed her bag and left the White House with her secret service detail in tow. She was quoted as saying, “That’s enough. I’m out.”