Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to remind you that you have a choice. You can either vote for me; humble, lovable Joe Biden or for that Dog-faced Pony Soldier Donald Trump. And as that clean, articulate black man Barack Obama once said, Donald Trump will never be President of the United States.
Okay, sure, that was wrong and he did become president but hopefully not again anyway. As my Uncle Bosey once told me, “Stay away from cannibals because they’ll eat you and you’ll never be found afterwards.” And that’s damn good advice. Now they’re trying to say he wasn’t eaten by cannibals but who other than cannibals would eat him? Let’s be sensible here. He wasn’t eaten by vegans, that’s for damn sure.
But seriously folks, you can’t trust Donald Trump. He never rides on the Amtrak. He’s always taking first class airline flights. He’s not one of us. That’s because he wants to put y’all back in chains. And if you vote for Donald Trump you ain’t black. No joke!
When my son Hunter was killed in Iraq, Afghanistan and Ukraine fighting the Soviets he was dressed sort of like Rambo and with the muscles and the camo, so it was really something. I remember him saying, “I just want my country to love me as much as I love it.” And it was beautiful. And then Xerxes army surrounded us and I threw my spear at him but only cut his face a little and then I was killed by a lot of arrows. But luckily, I got better and here I am. And that’s how we won in Ukraine. Trump has never been killed in war nor have his sons so how can you trust him?
And if you think about it, Donald Trump is a lot like Corn Pop. They’re both bad dudes who don’t follow the rules and probably don’t even wait an hour after eating before going back in the pool. If I had the time, I’d like to bring both of them behind the shed and teach them a lesson with my bicycle chain and my boxing skills. I’m not bragging I’m just saying that’s what I’d like to do but I can’t because of these new laws about fighting and the whole gay thing. You’ve got to be careful not to say the wrong thing, which is tricky.
But forget all that for a minute, just remember how much better things are now that I fixed the economy. I fixed the COVID and then I eliminated college loan debt and I got rid of gasoline and oil and now we’ve got electric cars and electric heat and everything is all electric and that’s progress. Sure, if you’re still using the gasoline and the oil it’s a little more expensive. And sure, maybe food and rent are up a few pennies but we’re all doing much better now than under Trump. Just look at your 401K accounts they’re rocketing. Why all of my green energy stocks are through the roof. And just last week Nancy Pelosi showed me her stock portfolio and it was worth six hundred million dollars and you can’t hate that! All these people in the Trump commercials saying they can’t make ends meet must be lying. No joke!
So as my friend Madame Secretary of State Clinton said a while ago, “basket of deplorables.” These dead-enders clinging to their guns and their God don’t have the votes to keep Scranton Joe Biden from coming back and finishing up his mission in Washington. I’m going to fundamentally transform the whole United States of America into Scranton. And you can bet your bottom dollar that’s what I’ll do. The whole country will be just like the Scranton you see today. Full of Amtrak stations, migrant housing, repurposed police precincts and prisons, welfare offices, needle exchange safe places, transgender bathrooms and Section 8 housing. Welcome to the future. So, make sure you vote for me every chance you get. I really need your help. Help!!!
Political script writing could be your calling.
Okay, as long as I don’t have to work for Biden. I’d rather write copy for Beelzebub than Dementia Joe. It would be cleaner work.
C’mon man!