Loan Them Smokey the Bear

So, we’re heading into day three of the yellowish/brownish/greyish-sky world.  Apparently, Canada is burning to the ground and we’ll be buried in a five-hundred-foot pile of ash by sometime around Labor Day.  Well, it’s for a good cause after all.  Once all of the Canadians have been incinerated, we can proceed to frack all the hydrocarbons out of the ground and turn the Great White North into a theme park of some sort.  Of course, the only Canadian I knew well was actually a great guy.  He was a French Canadian and he had a fantastic sense of humor and was a great fan of American pop culture.  And he was amazingly honest.  He was a great believer that Quebec should secede from Canada and was bitterly disappointed that his countrymen voted No on the referendum.  But his pride in his French identity remained strong.  Until, that is, his company transferred him to the Paris office.  It was like a dream come true.  But when he got there and tried to embrace his long-lost French brethren, they told him quite insultingly that he wasn’t French, he was “North American!”  His heart was broken.  But he rebounded and from then on, he recognized himself to be a North American.

Well, I hope he’s still living here in the States because based on the weight of ash weighing down my roof, I have to assume the only thing left uncarbonized up there is Hudson Bay.  Now I know that Canada has embraced physician assisted suicide so hopefully one of the prescribed methods is roasting because that would be relatively economical at this juncture.  I mean all you have to do is head northwest and eventually you’ll find the flame wall and after that it should be fairly simple to achieve unalive.

But I mustn’t sell Canada short.  It did give us John Candy and the SC TV troupe.  Interestingly, they always portrayed Americans in their most popular movies so I don’t know if it was their Canadian-ness that made them so funny.  And I guess we also got Mike Myers from them too.  And they have oil, coal, gas, gold, uranium and lumber so Canada used to have a lot of potential before it burned to the ground.  I’m sure Trump will figure out a way to monetize what’s left of it.  Whatever that idea will be, it will include branding the enterprise with the name “Trump” somehow.  Although maybe instead he’ll rename it West Greenland because he really liked the whole Greenland acquisition idea.

From my own point of view, if I was looking for a way to renovate a carbonized Canada, I think I’d give the whole thing back to the Indians.  Why not.  It’s enormous and loaded with valuable resources and the people living there are annoying, so give it to the people who they’re always saying they stole it from.  If they feel so bad about their theft then let them assuage their guilt and finally shut up about it.  But the deal will be that they’ll have to do a much better job of putting out forest fires.  We can loan them Smokey the Bear.  Seems fair.