How to Balance the Budget Without the Congress

Congress has essentially gotten out of the budget balancing business.  The last balanced budget was under George W Bush back in the time before Obama (BO).  But the President has something called the Executive Order and darned if it isn’t every bit as good as law.  So, until such time as Congress actually performs some function again, how about this?

In 2018 the federal government employed 2,055,731 Federal Civilian Employees.  So, putting the armed forces aside we have over two million people drawing a check entirely on our dime.  Whatever the average salary is, once you add in health insurance cost and any pension or other benefits a very conservative annual cost per employee is bound to be above $100,000.  So, just in safe ballpark numbers we are paying two trillion dollars to our public masters every year.

Now you could logically make the point that if these mostly useless people didn’t work for the government they would end up as criminals and the destitute, but putting that cost calculation aside it could be reasonably stated that drastically reducing the number of federal employees is the most effective way to reduce the cost of government.  And as an added benefit it would clear out much of the riff-raff that currently vote Democrat in Virginia and Maryland.  This giant army of freeloaders would disperse across the country and change from a dagger in the heart of the republic into a low-grade fever across the whole body politic.

Think of how wonderful it would be to see building after federal building emptied of these parasites and those same buildings sold off or demolished to make room for more worthwhile endeavors like pawn shops or nail salons.  One day the IRS could be composed of one IT technician and space on a mainframe that multiplied everyone’s paycheck by six percent and sent out the link to where payment could be sent.  NASA would just be two IP address links between the President’s office and Elon Musk’s.  And the Post Office would be a website page that lists the names of companies like FedEx and UPS that have trucks.  Anyone who wants to send a letter would be reminded of the e-mail addresses that everyone in the world already has.  And even for bureaus, departments and offices of the federal government that serve some actual purpose the 80/20 rule could be put into strict application and four fifths of the denizens of the swamp could be heaved up on shore and allowed to dry out and rot in the sun.

I don’t want to claim that there won’t be consequences to something as radical as this.  For several years after the surgery these severed appendices will stagger around the landscape like extras from some zombie movie.  Their palsied limbs endlessly performing the tics of their former occupations.  Fingers hitting the reject button on applications for social security benefits and neck muscles shaking heads back and forth to signify another denial of application to delist a vernal puddle in a backyard as navigable water.  But as lack of food slowly drains them of life they will expire on the sidewalk in front of various federal buildings across the country and when they decompose, they will finally begin to serve a useful purpose.  In fact, I propose the repurposing of these former civil masters as fertilizer be given an appropriate name.  How about the “Green New Deal.”

Trump vs Slashing the Deficit

Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office

Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President.  I just got your message.  How can I help you?

President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem.  I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all.  What the hell is the problem?

VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law.  We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in.  But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances.  I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.

PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country?  Are you crazy Pence?  That’s not gonna happen.

VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.

PT: Ha!  Pence you’re hopeless.  All right, get the following things going.  I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary.  Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains.  I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss.  Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.

VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that!  These are American citizens.  They’ll be missed.

PT:  I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet.  So what’s it gonna be?

VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.

PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.


Scene 2: A week later.  Oval Office.

VPP: Good morning Mr. President.  Welcome back.

PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.

VPP: Something you ate sir?

PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence.  Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little.  And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight.  I want to get things moving.

VPP: Right away Mr. President.


Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.

PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans.  As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget.  Well I am here to give you all an update.  As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department.  It is officially gone.  I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday.  I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.

But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one.  Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest.  And it won’t be easy on me.  Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout.  But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.

I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away.  I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest.  That should take care of that.

So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction.  No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people.  Thank you and good night.  Trump out.