Dunwich’s own First Selectman Cthulhu found himself at the center of a controversy when he was interviewed as part of the NY Times Biden/Trump presidential election poll. At the conclusion of the interview the pollster asked the First Selectman how he would rate Joe Biden’s presidency on a scale of one to ten. Instead of providing a number he stated that because of the absurd increase in the price of fast food he wanted to grill Biden over a slow fire and then devour him bit by bit as painfully as possible.
The pollster dutifully reported this threat to the Secret Service who alerted the FBI. Once a warrant was fabricated, a breaching tank and a full retinue of agents was dispatched to perform a no-knock arrest. Unfortunately for them breaching tank full of agents is just like stuffed lobster to Cthulhu. After roasting the tank over his sacrificial fire for a few hours he popped the top and speared the contents and dipped them in cocktail sauce before crunching them down. It was so good that he couldn’t resist a second course so he went on a road trip. He strapped a big net about the size of a hot air balloon onto his back and headed for FBI headquarters. Ripping the roof off the J. Edgar Hoover building he scooped up most of the upper echelons of the Bureau and began the trek home with his dinner crying and screaming for help. Along the way crowds of Americans lined Cthulhu’s path cheering, pointing and mocking at the netted Stasi agents howling in fear.
Awakened from his nap by Dr. Jill, Biden considered launching a missile attack on the squid-headed dragon but what with the Ukraine debacle he thought better of it and instead called for a truce. And during a gaffe-filled and incoherent address to the American public Biden seemed to imply that eating the FBI agents would be its own punishment for Cthulhu. But he did thank Director Wray for his service and wished him luck during his upcoming and horribly painful enmunchening. He finished off by relating the time he was stuck in the Cyclops’ cave and had to use wine to intoxicate the giant before blinding him and escaping. No joke.
Unfortunately for the First Selectman eating all those FBI agents together was too much for his system and he developed a debilitating case of gout. His left big toe swelled up to the size of a Volkswagen Beetle and he’s been limping around town like an old Beefeater. But he’s learned his lesson and says he’s swearing off cocktail sauce. From now on all of his FBI agents will be boiled, not roasted.
When the NYT pollster was reached for comment on the whole kerfuffle he only said, “Look we understand this is a heated election race but if we have to resort to devouring FBI agents every time, they respond to threats against a sitting president then the terrorists win. I didn’t exactly know what he meant by that but the New York Times used to be a newspaper so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and sent his contact information to Cthulhu. After all pan-fried pollster is considered the other, other white meat.