BISHOP – Welcome to the first 2024 Debate between the candidates running for the office of Dunwich First Selectman. I’m head moderator Uriah Bishop and along with my four fellow moderators I will be running the debate and handling the time clock and microphones. We randomly selected the two contestants for tonight’s debate. They are two of the former First Selectman’s closest relatives; his daughter Cthylla and his half-brother Hastur.
Before we get started I will just explain the rules of the debate. Each candidate will be given two minutes to answer a question. If the candidate exceeds that time he will have his microphone shut off and will be penalized a minute for the first offense and two minutes for his second offense. On the third offense he will lose all right to answer questions.
(At this point Hastur moved toward the moderators’ dais and ate one of the officials.)
HASTUR – Now I will explain my rules. Every time you say something annoying, I will eat some of you. First offense I will eat one of you, as I just did. Second offense two of you. On the third offense I’ll eat all the rest of the moderators and probably most of the spectators.
BISHOP – Those are very convincing rules. Can I start the questioning?
HASTUR – Certainly, my little dumpling.
BISHOP – Thank you your titanic excellency. Cthylla, if you are elected First Selectman, what will be your first official act?
CTHYLLA – That’s easy. I will change the job title to First Select Person! We’re in the twentieth century here and this patriarchal sexism will be laid to rest! And after that I intend to change the pronunciation of Dunwich so that you can hear the w. I will enact a law that anyone pronouncing it “Dunitch” will be fined a hundred dollars. Oh, and I intend to make rooftop solar panels and electric cars mandatory. And …
HASTUR – Alright, that’s enough. Listen you empty-headed boob. Why should a Great Old One care what humans name their bureaucrats? Or how they pronounce their absurd place names. Basically, they’re cattle for us to herd and then devour. And as for this stupid “election,” I’m doing this for fun. If these insignificant maggots vote for anyone but me, I’ll flatten half of Dunwich as an object lesson and start eating a dozen of them daily until they come to me, en masse, and beg me to be their “First Selectman.”
CTHYLLA – Hastur, you can’t talk to me that way. In the words of my favorite philosopher, my future as the leader of Dunwich is unburdened by what has been.
BOTH FEMALE MODERATOR – You go girl!
(Hastur, once again, ambles over to the Moderators’ dais and eats both female moderators.)
HASTUR – That’s two strikes.
BISHOP – Well, I think this concludes the question period of this debate. I think we’ll proceed to closing arguments and I will ask Hastur to go first.
HASTUR – Cthylla you are a brainless nincompoop. How my brother ever spawned anything as vacuous as you is inexplicable. I recommend you spend your time trying to memorize which are your right and left legs and leave running the known universe to beings with the ruthlessness and intelligence needed to succeed. If you are any indication of what the next generation of Great Old Ones is like then I shudder to think how we will conquer the giant Martian Beetle Men a billion years from now after I retire to R’lyeh.
BISHOP – Well, I think we should end here. Although both candidates have spoken passionately, I think it’s fair to say that Hastur has driven home his argument, uh, viscerally. And for that reason he will advance to the next debate when his opponent will be the Azathoth or as he is sometimes known the “Blind Idiot God.”
HASTUR – I like to call him “Sleepy Joe.”
BISHOP – Well said, well said. Unfortunately, I will not be moderating at that debate due to a schedule conflict that is unavoidable.
HASTUR – You better avoid it or you’ll have an appointment with my alimentary canal.
BISHOP – I’ve just remembered a cancellation. I’ll be there of course.