The final results of the November election here in Dunwich were posted today.
First Selectman – Cthulhu – 800 votes
Selectman – Nyarlathotep – 800 votes
Selectman – Fred Peterson – 800 votes
Selectman – Yog-Sothoth – 800 votes
Selectman – Dagon – 800 votes
Treasurer – Azathoth – 800 votes
At the town meeting announcing the results, town resident Dave Farber raised a motion to have the election results challenged on the basis that only the incumbents received votes and all the tallies were exactly 800 votes whereas the voter rolls only included 417 registered voters. Dave was promptly eaten by Cthulhu and the motion was not seconded.
Martha Featherstone put a question to the selectmen asking how a being of primordial chaos and bubbling space ooze could work a keyboard for the treasurer’s report spreadsheet. Martha was eaten by Cthulhu and the only answer to the question was some muffled digestive tract rumblings from the First Selectman. Needless to say, there were no further motions or questions from the audience.
The next item on the agenda was a report by Dagon on the Miskatonic River Reclamation Project. It was a particularly long and repetitive power point slide deck that concentrated on the dredging of Sentinel Hill Pond to allow for stocking the pond with game fish. Unfortunately the stock proposed were all relatives of Dagon and based on what I could see from the photos of their size any fisherman that went out on that pond in a small boat wouldn’t be coming back home. But polite noises were made by all there because Cthulhu was starting to get a little agitated again.
The next item was a report by Fred Peterson on COVID vaccination mandates and how it would impact town government. When Fred finished his report he mentioned in an off-hand way that all selectmen would have to be vaccinated by Winter Solstice. All the other selectmen recoiled in fear at being exposed to this kind of health risk. A quick vote was taken by the selectmen to vote down this requirement after which Cthulhu ate Fred Peterson. A note was added to the minutes to reflect the need to call a special election to fill Fred’s vacant spot on the board. Cthulhu asked for a moment of silence in honor of Fred who everybody agreed was a heck of a sweet guy and always a good sport about his minority status on the board as the only Methodist.
And that concluded the business at hand. It was decided that less important items like the Christmas light displays and the somewhat backlogged missing persons report would be handled next week in a closed session before the Thanksgiving through New Year Recess. The First Selectman thanked everyone present for their public spiritedness in showing up at a time when everyone was so busy with holiday shopping and fighting for their lives against ghouls erupting out of Arkham Forest. He wished everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah and a Blessed Kwanzaa. I left at that point but based on what I heard later Cthulhu may also have eaten the last five people in the building on his way out. That First Selectman! You’ve really got to watch him.