The Death of a Great Old One

All of Dunwich is in shock and mourning.  Today at three ‘clock in the morning it was discovered that First Selectman Cthulhu was no more.  Apparently, it was a self-inflicted accident.  This was the final night and day of his de-lousing treatment and over the ten day he had enjoyed the effects of the boiling sulfuric acid bath so much that some time after midnight he cranked the thermostat on the heater to maximum.  But something went wrong and the bath was turned into an electrolytic cell and Cthulhu was completely dissolved into the solution with only some siliceous fragments left on the bottom of the tank.

The First Selectman’s personal physician; Dr. Fraudulent Practices declared him dead and assured the grieving throng of well-wishers that Cthulhu’s last moments were painless and in fact probably completely unconscious.  Strangely this crowd demonstrated their grief by dancing in circles and uttering what almost sounded like, “Ding-dong Cthulhu’s dead, brush your teeth get out of bed, ding-dong the lousy squid is dead,” to the tune of that song from the “Wizard of Oz” that the Munchkins sing.  Well, different people process grief in different ways.  Possibly these people were just overcome by horrible sorrow and didn’t know what they were saying.  Although they were doing it in three-part harmonies.  Very strange.

Suffice it to say that Dunwich is plunged into solemn mourning and all official activities have been postponed in anticipation of the funeral.  It is rumored that both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris intend to speak at the funeral.  It is believed that Biden will use the occasion to break out his “My Uncle Bosie was eaten by cannibals” story.  And this may cause some controversy because several of the invited guests are themselves cannibals and may take offense.

But the real worry for the funeral is any comments by Kamala.  It is open knowledge that she had a longstanding romantic affair with the First Selectman and if she chooses to speak at the ceremony there is speculation that Mrs. Cthulhu will take umbrage and may possibly eat her.  In and of itself this situation may not seem so dire.  But it would be a shame if Harris’s secret service team got between the two “women” and were themselves swallowed too.  But all things considered it might be a better fate for them than spending every day walking around and listening to stories about yellow school buses from Kamala Harris.

Personally, I cannot yet speak to my feelings about Cthulhu’s death.  It’s too soon.  The amalgam of fond familiarity and cosmic horror is a hard to explain emotion.  You never can be sure whether the appropriate response is a rye chuckle or a panic-stricken sprint for the exit.  Too soon, too soon.

Every citizen of Dunwich will receive a jar containing one liter of the electrolyzed remains of Cthulhu to be treasured and displayed in a place of honor in each home.  The jar will have the First Selectman’s famous motto, “Shut up and second my motion or I will swallow you whole and digest you in my second stomach.”  Words to live by!

The bottle will be made of tantalum to prevent any possibility of breakage or leakage.  The EPA has rated the First Selectman’s remains as a potent compound with a lethal dose estimated in the picogram range.  I have elected to have my share donated to Nancy Pelosi.  I’ll tell her it’s Botox.