So just when I assumed I was on the brink of health, tragedy struck. Of course, in my case it’s really tragicomedy. Last night I was preparing for bed and I had earlier taken one of those horse pills they call a 12-hour Mucinex. Now I remembered that this medicine dehydrates the user but I never worry about such things. I was brushing my teeth and I felt kind of wonky. The next thing I know I’m lying on the floor near the sink with Camera Girl shouting at me things like, “Should I call an ambulance?” And, “Are you alright?”
Now it was the funniest thing. I could hear her perfectly well and kept saying, “Calm down.” But it was as if she couldn’t hear me. I think she was in a panic. But it was enheartening to see what a decisive manner she reacted to my impending death. In retrospect I’m very proud of her. But in the moment, I finally broke through her fear to convince her that I had just blacked out due to my policy of “sweating it out,” probably some combination of low blood pressure and dehydration.
As I attempted to get up, I discovered I was still clutching my toothbrush. I flung it toward the countertop but was informed later that I failed in my aim. Once I convinced Camera Girl that I hadn’t suffered a stroke I gathered my shattered dignity and impaired equilibrium and hoisted myself up onto my feet.
Word of my collapse has spread far and wide in the family. Relatives were calling up and questioning me on when the burial service would be performed. Eventually it seemed easiest just to say Tuesday.
This latest manifestation of my mortality has made me think. I might consider extending my locked bathroom door policy to include tooth brushing. But realistically Camera Girl is a resourceful woman she’d probably get a screwdriver and pop the hinges off the door.
So, I’ve discontinued the Mucinex and today I’m feeling decidedly chirpier. Although my balance still seems a little iffy. I’m attributing this to my ears being clogged.
But this morning I noticed a tender red welt on my jaw line. I accused Camera Girl of getting me with a sucker punch. This angered her. She brought up that she would have had to hit me on the jaw standing behind me. I defended the possibility gamely. I said that an upper cut snuck in under the arm I was holding my toothbrush with was highly likely to cause just such an injury. To her credit she just walked away. Probably speechless in the face of such blinding intellect.
The less likely possibility is that I hit the sink countertop with my jaw as I was collapsing. The funny thing is that I never noticed it until by chance I put my hand up to my face today.
Well anyway, I’ve recalibrated my recovery schedule. I’m hoping by tomorrow morning I’ll be at 65% capacity. Which is still pretty good. And I’ll take the rest of today to convalesce and recuperate. And based on my perusal of the news today I’m not missing anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for Nurse Camera Girl to spoon feed me my mush.
Gotta be careful about falls. Doctors always ask about them looking for an excuse to order expensive tests and/or relieve you of authoritiy over your own body .
Yes, indeed. I think my descendants wanted to have me dragged off. But I’ll take my chances with my own patented regimen of folk medicine and positive thinking.