Today Camera Girl put me in charge of two of my grandsons one nine and one twelve, for one hour. She had fed them twice and occupied them all morning with games and movies. She just needed enough time to start up her dinner and clean up after their plates and bowls. So, I said, “Sure, no problem, we’ll go shoot some pool.”
So down to the first floor and the pool table. After they fought for five minutes about who would break, we began the game. But apparently watching each other (and me) take our turns was too infinitely boring. I attribute this time dilation to the bowls of ice cream they had just inhaled. Glucose, sucrose, lactose and galactose were coursing through their blood streams at concentrations that reduced their attention spans to milliseconds at most.
So, they started wandering around looking for something to fiddle with. First, they found the lat-machine. I only had a hundred pounds on the cable but neither of them weighs close to that much. So, I see them suspending themselves from the bar. And then I notice they’re swinging from it and I have to step in, “Hey, hey cut that out you’re gonna get hurt!” Finally, they listen and move on to the weight bench so I have to start yelling again. That’s all I need is for one of them dropping the bar on a foot or something.
So, we compromise and they start taking turns on the rowing machine. At first, they’re still taking a turn at the pool table but soon enough they’re just cycling back and forth between them doing a couple of hundred meters each on the machine. Having been completely abandoned at this point I cleared the table and came over to where they were rowing and watched as they amused themselves with something that I considered tedious exercise.
Mercifully, after a half hour, they wore off their sugar high and we went back for another game of pool before starting back upstairs. With twenty minutes left I convinced them to take a walk around the yard. They put on their rain boots and we walked around in the soggy air. It was gray and humid but walking is always good therapy for kids. It engages their muscles and makes them receptive to speech. I asked them about their plans for the summer. They had none. I asked them what they were doing tomorrow. They said swimming in my pool. This was news! I said, “Okay, let’s just check with your mom.”
Then they found a small rubber ball and began an impromptu game of soccer. It quickly became animated and eventually spirited (violent and combative). Then the ball ended up in the pond (swamp) and that was that. By that point, Camera Girl came looking for us. My hour was up. I had fulfilled my responsibility honorably and she released me from bondage. Now they would spend another two hours watching a movie about dragons and warriors and then head home for dinner.
But the movie ended about a half hour earlier than their departure time so they began to get antsy. Camera Girl was trying to stop them from playing soccer in the living room so I tried an experiment. I turned on the movie “Them!” Well, it was like hypnotism. As soon as the black and white image of the New Mexican desert appeared on the screen, they became catatonic. They sat down and didn’t make a sound. I knew there wasn’t enough time to reach the good stuff so I advanced the DVD to the first ant attack. Adolescent boys and giant ants. Magic.
It is remarkable how much mental energy is expended herding adolescent boys. They have an amazing propensity for changing gears and battling each other. But herd them we must. Letting them get bored is a big mistake. Their ability to get into trouble is remarkable. Without supervision and organized activity, the number of broken windows and smashed electronic equipment would become prohibitively expensive.
On the drive home, we spent the time discussing whether giant carpenter ants were less deadly than giant army ants or giant bullet ants. Bullet ants won.