So we’re in the thick of this mid-term election cycle here in Dunwich. And just as all over the country election holders that have strayed from what their party wants are being primaried out of their candidacies, so there have been several candidates who showed up at the Town Hall to take out papers to run against the First Selectmen.
Now this isn’t unprecedented. Every few years someone moves into town and after experiencing just how “difficult” conditions are in town government, decides to throw his hat in the ring. Now usually after seeing that First Selectman Cthulhu’s hat is thirty feet in diameter the incipient “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” type picks up his hat out of the ring and slinks back home. But this year’s Mr. Smith (specifically a fellow named Ned Parson) was made of sterner stuff. He paid his registration fee and showed up in front of Town Hall and challenged the First Selectman to a debate.
Cthulhu nodded his head and told his secretary to set up a public meeting on Sentinel Hill on the following Monday. Sentinel Hill is convenient for meetings involving the First Selectman because if the humans are standing on the top of the hill and Cthulhu stands at the base, his head is only slightly above their level. Also the acoustics are such that Cthulhu can usually hear mostly everything spoken by the humans. And this is important. Because if he can’t hear what’s being said, he tends to think he’s being disrespected and that usually ends poorly.
Last Monday it was cold and cloudy but there was a decent crowd, maybe fifty townspeople milling around the podium at the top of the hill. And on the podium Ned Parson was dressed as Uncle Sam including the beard. He was throwing buttons to the crowd that said “Be Led by Ned!!!” along with shooting off some confetti poppers. He seemed confident, almost jubilant. As the noon hour approached the First Selectman rumbled up to his station on the valley floor. His facial expression was as usual unreadable but his breathing seemed to be a little noisier than usual. There might also have been a certain grinding of his teeth audible but not very loudly.
At noon the Town Clerk climbed the podium and read the description of the event; “Debate for First Selectman Office.” She added that Ned Parson had one the coin toss and would speak first. Ned proceeded, “My fellow Dunwichians, I stand before you today prepared to finally convert this town from a weird dysfunctional outpost into a modern, progressive New England town. For too long you’ve all suffered under the inefficient, corrupt and depressing administration of my opponent. For too long you’ve been unable to get town services or even the comfort of knowing a constabulary stood ready during outbreaks of vampirism or lycanthropy to protect life and property. I have the support of the local surrounding towns and I will bring our standards up to those of our neighbors. I will not stand still. I will move forward and I will make a big splash in this little place.”
The Town Clerk thanked Ned and then asked the First Selectman for his rebuttal. Cthulhu reached down to the podium and closed his hand around Ned, winding up he threw a perfect strike. Ned splatted against the rock face of Mt Bishop leaving a sizable red stain. Cthulhu guffawed, “That little man was right, he made a big splash.”
Well, as debates go, it was to the point.
Mr. Parson’s campaign was redlined. most emphatically.