I love coffee. I love the taste of it, the aroma, the way it enhances the enjoyment of various foods. A cup of coffee with ham and eggs and a pumpernickel bagel is splendid. A pastrami or corned beef or roast beef sandwich with coffee is incredible. And what could be better than coffee with cake, pastry or pie ala mode? Nothing!
It is a wonderful part of life. At the same time coffee is very hard on my digestive system. It gnaws at my guts. It is not benign.
So, what’s a fellow to do?
For years I searched for the magic bullet. Milder blends, better blends cold brewed. Milk, cream, fat free cream, oat milk and on and on and on.
And several times I’ve given it up. And that is an amazing thing. I remember going cold turkey in my thirties and experiencing symptoms that were more reminiscent of heroin withdrawal. I had the shakes and broke into a cold sweat and had blinding headaches. Truly absurd problems getting rid of something as innocuous as the morning cup of joe.
And equally interestingly, even after getting past the physical symptoms, I eventually drifted back into the habit. After all, I love the stuff.
A couple of months ago I decided to do something I considered smart. I switched from coffee to tea. And I was able to do it relatively painlessly. The caffeine in tea apparently was sufficient to offset at least partly the craving my body has for coffee. Maybe there were some mild feelings of discomfort for a day or two but really nothing to think about. So, there you go. Mission accomplished.
But I didn’t reckon with one thing. Tea is the most boring drink in the world. There’s no there, there. So, I tried to jazz it up. I tried Thai tea and chai tea. I added sugar and honey and lemon. Nothing. Insipid.
In desperation, I asked Camera girl to start me on cocoa. We tried 100% cocoa. Not so good. Then we tried some versions with varying amounts of sugar. Too sweet. Finally, we hit upon a low concentration that isn’t too sweet but still has enough taste to qualify as a beverage. And so, we thought we had arrived at a workable solution. But something happened.
Camera Girl and I were out for the day for an out of state family party. I had breakfast with my now customary thin cup of chocolate. No problem. When we arrived, it was early afternoon and I wasn’t starving. So, I sat down and was talking to some people.
And it was the strangest thing. I couldn’t think. I was stumbling over words and thoughts like Joe Biden without a teleprompter. It was the damnedest thing. And then I realized, I was completely out of caffeine. Now granted I was also low on food at that point. So maybe I needed blood sugar or something. But I was so groggy that I am convinced that I now need a certain specific amount of caffeine in my body just to keep my IQ in triple digits.
I asked my host if he had any coffee or tea around. All he had at that moment was Red Bull. Well, it was like some miracle drug. Within moments I was back to normal. Later on, I had a large cup of coffee at dessert with my large piece of cake. Of course, I couldn’t get to sleep until 3 a.m. but what can you do.
So now I’m once again in a quandary. Do I endure the “enstupiding” whenever I’m low on caffeine or do I cave into the lure of coffee? I stand on the edge of the cliff. May I find wisdom.