Honest Debate

photog – Good evening, ladies and gentlemen in the studio audience and you folks watching at home.  Welcome to the fourth scheduled Republican Presidential Candidates’ Debate here at the beautiful Mar-a-Lago estate in sunny Florida, home of the front runner in the race, former President Donald J. Trump.  As you all probably know, the former President has agreed to join the debate under the condition that it be held at his estate and under the rules that he has laid out for the debate.

I’m your host Pho Tog of the OCF Broadcast Network and I will provide commentary as needed, but mostly I want to bear witness to this surely fascinating meeting.  The moderator will be Tucker Carlson and he will control the questioning.  In addition to the former President, the debate will be between Governor Ron DeSantis, former Governor Nikki Haley, businessman Vivek Ramaswamy, Senator Tim Scott and former Governor Chris Christy.

The other candidates have taken their places at their lecterns but President Trump has not yet made his appearance.  They all seem very annoyed by this turn of events.  The outdoor locale for the debate next to the lagoon while very scenic has made most of the debaters doubtful that the event will provide the gravitas that such an important occasion deserves.  With their backs to the water the candidates face a stage where Mr. Carlson stands at a lectern with his notes, a microphone and a keypad.

And now to add to the unorthodox nature of the event I can see and hear the surface of the lagoon behind the candidates roiling.  And now breaking the surface is the cephalopodic visage of the Great Old One Cthulhu.  He has walked ashore and has brought with him his own custom lectern, probably three hundred and fifty feet tall, but no notes that I can see.  There is considerable consternation among the human debate participants.  And Cthulhu is addressing them.  Let’s listen in.

CTHULHU – Moderator Carlson, I come with a message from President Donald J. Trump.

Tucker – What is your message O, Great Old One?

CTHULHU – He says and I quote, “I agreed to be represented in this debate but I did not mean personally.  I have sent my emissary the Great Old One Cthulhu, and really, he’s the greatest and oldest one, to represent me amongst this field of pygmies.  He is great just as I am great.  He will provide really great answers to all of Tucker’s questions which will also be great.  Enjoy the buffet.”

Christie – This is an outrage.  Donald Trump has shown his true colors by chickening out of his commitment.  I won’t stand for this cowardice.

Tucker – Do you intend to leave?

Christie – No, I will use this event to prove to America that I am the man who can get the job done.  I’m not a slacker like Trump.

Tucker – Alright, let’s move forward with the debate.  The first question is for Donald Trump which will be answered by his surrogate, the Great Old One Cthulhu.  If you are elected president, how do you intend to prevent the FBI from sabotaging your administration by spying on your cabinet, arresting your officials and generally disrupting your agenda as they did in your previous term.

CTHULHU – All great leaders achieve their results by attacking their enemies head on.  On the first day in office, I intend to go to FBI headquarters and personally question each and every manager to see if they will carry out my mandate without question.  Any that hesitate on these terms will be terminated on the spot.

Christie – That’s ridiculous.  You can’t fire those federal civil servants.  It’s against the law.

CTHULHU – I don’t intend to fire them.  I intend to eat them.  I don’t remember hearing about any federal statute specifically forbidding that.

Christie – But that’s monstrous!

CTHULHU – Well technically I am a monster.

Christie – But Trump isn’t.  He can’t eat people.

CTHULHU – Well, fine.  Then he can have me appointed as provisional Attorney General and I can eat them then.

Christie – I think I’ve listened to just about enough of this nonsense.  This is just more of Trump’s MAGA tough talk.  He couldn’t get it done last time and he won’t get it done this time.  And he was too afraid to face me on this stage like a man so he sent this squid-headed freak to spout his lies.  He won’t fix the government because no one is eating anyone!

photog – Ladies and gentlemen, the video feed has been stopped.  After Christie’s comment Cthulhu reached down with his massive claw, scooped up the morbidly obese politician and popped him in his mouth.  After a few muffled screams, the crunching of bones and a loud gulp Cthulhu was heard to remark, “Needed a little salt.”

After that the other candidates scattered toward the foliage and Tucker Carlson attempted to explain to Cthulhu that this might be the end of the proceedings.

Well folks this has been an interesting night.  I think we’re all grateful to Governor Christie for speaking his mind.  He certainly said what he thought.  And now we know that direct action will be a cornerstone of the next Trump administration, at least if Cthulhu is included in the Cabinet.  So good night from Mar-a-Lago and I’ll see you at the next Republican debate.  Oh, who am I kidding.  That was the last one.  Bring on Joe Biden and some ranch dressing.