Election Day was my first day at my new gig as Dunwich Deputy Election Scourge. My job was to apply a gigavolt prod to the Great Old One voters to keep them moving in the chutes. To some people this might seem a little odd. Well, most towns don’t have Great Old Ones (GOO) as a component of the voting population. These must be given their own separate line and voting booths and kept under tight control or they would escape the line and begin eating the humans.
Things went very well all morning and at 4 pm I was starting to think we’d get through the day without any trouble but at 4:20 pm we had our first incident. One of the high school ballot checkers foolishly leaned up against the steel sides of the chute while drinking a Diet Pepsi. A tentacle wrapped around her ankles and dragged most of her through the space between the steel guard rails. Four nearby scourges began firing on the GOO with their prods while the Chief Scourge shouted in an Australian accent, “Shoot her, shoot her.” But it was all for naught. The ballot checker had long since disappeared into the florescent green maw of the GOO, never to be seen again. All that remained of her was a dismembered hand with shiny blue nail polish still holding a bottle of Diet Pepsi. The clean up crew kept carefully outside of the safety lines that surrounded the chute. Needless to say, morale amongst the election checkers plummeted. Buffy had been a popular member of the team and would be missed at the high school senior prom.
But we redoubled our vigilance and kept a close watch on the younger volunteers to prevent another regrettable incident. When it was 7:50 I began to think we were out of the woods. But in the final minutes, disaster struck again. A final GOO entered the chute and headed for the checker area. When the Checker went through the list there was no record of Azathoth (sometimes referred to as the “Blind Idiot God”) ever having registered in Dunwich. This was not well received by that symbol of primordial chaos. But before the checker had a chance to state that same day registration was now a reality in Dunwich, the monstrous nuclear chaos from beyond angled space punched a ten-foot hole through the hardened titanium wall and flattened the unfortunate checker into the concrete floor with an invisible limb. It then began pulsing energy in all directions, preparatory to collapsing time-space and thereby forcing Earth through a singularity.
Before we retreated out the rathole I punched the upload button to preserve the ballot data. Then I hit the timer for the tactical nuke and released the goat blood into the floor trough to distract the GOO and give us a chance to escape. One minute later the bunker we had entered was buffeted by the fifty-kiloton detonation. A few minutes later we exited by another tunnel that opened about five miles from ground zero and we proceeded above ground to election HQ to fill out the paperwork and tally the votes.
An irate state election rep who had received a complaint from Cthulhu called to officially chastise the town for gross discrimination against a protected class (GOOs), levy a fine and strip us of our status as a sanctuary city. We absorbed this abuse, finished up the election tally, submitted it to the state and to the press, licked our wounds and headed home for a very late dinner. Well at least Azathoth didn’t get to vote. That bugger is a well known progressive and it was already a pretty bad night for the Right so every little bit helps. Some of the Republican Town Committee tried to blame this on Trump. You can’t please some people.
Politics sucks. Next year I’m hoping to get on the town road crew instead. It doesn’t pay as well but they don’t have to wear radiation badges and necklaces of garlic and wolfsbane. So you have to take that into consideration.
Progressives really are monsters when it comes right down to it.